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Original poster

If you are in a happy relationship, how often do you 'squabble'?

65 replies

RememberWhy · 30/09/2023 09:09

My DP and I are in a happy relationship. Only the other day he told me 'We have a really good life, don't we?' Which got us to chat about how we have a happy relationship, good friends, good jobs, we get on with family, etc. So we agree we are happy, very happy, and very lucky.

However every now and again we 'squabble' - I get annoyed he doesn't put stuff in the dishwasher (he leaves it in the sink 'I would have put it in the dishwasher later'), and he gets annoyed when, after a few minutes, I tune out when he drones on and on about stuff I have little interest in (mainly football).

But these are not major things - we are still loving to each other the rest of the time, laugh with each other (quite a lot), and help each other with stuff.

So I wanted to ask whether this is the norm - I guess so. Nobody has the 'perfect' relationship where you never get annoyed with each other, right? I certainly didn't with EXH. Sometimes here on MN you read of people who say they adore their partner, they are their best friend, etc, and it sounds like it's all sweetness and light. But does that exist?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 30/09/2023 09:15

I used to adore my DH, he was my best friend and soul mate. But, I think that due to having little kids, I let some behaviours slide. At that time I’d have a go at him if something wasn’t right, and we’d have a little fall out. It’s normal, I think.
Fast forward to the kids being older and peri kicking in, I now don’t tolerate those things that I’ve been asking him to do/not do for years. I find it pathetic that he just won’t do little changes to keep the status quo, I’ve certainly put up with his quirks. It breeds resentment. And now I don’t love him, he irritates me so much, and I wish he’d go away.
it’s so sad that I loved him so much, adored him, and it’s gone. I feel sad that I will never love like that again.

PinkyDinkyDoodle · 30/09/2023 09:16

Only very, very rarely.
I don’t like arguments, and neither does he.

Original poster
RememberWhy · 30/09/2023 09:19

@DustyLee123 would you have done/do anything differently then?

@PinkyDinkyDoodle but in that case don't you become resentful if you never air your irritation?

OP posts:

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Dating General relationships
DustyLee123 · 30/09/2023 09:21

When I gave him ultimatums I should have stuck with them. He now thinks I’ll get over it and forget it, whereas I’ve become unable to have arguments, feel like I’m a nag if I try to say anything, and just seethe in resentment. It’s not healthy.

OrangeBlossomPretty · 30/09/2023 09:22

DustyLee123 · 30/09/2023 09:15

I used to adore my DH, he was my best friend and soul mate. But, I think that due to having little kids, I let some behaviours slide. At that time I’d have a go at him if something wasn’t right, and we’d have a little fall out. It’s normal, I think.
Fast forward to the kids being older and peri kicking in, I now don’t tolerate those things that I’ve been asking him to do/not do for years. I find it pathetic that he just won’t do little changes to keep the status quo, I’ve certainly put up with his quirks. It breeds resentment. And now I don’t love him, he irritates me so much, and I wish he’d go away.
it’s so sad that I loved him so much, adored him, and it’s gone. I feel sad that I will never love like that again.

I felt like that. Then I took HRT and I'm much less irritated !

OrangeBlossomPretty · 30/09/2023 09:22

PinkyDinkyDoodle · 30/09/2023 09:16

Only very, very rarely.
I don’t like arguments, and neither does he.

Surely nobody likes arguments!
It's important to get stuff off your chest though.

MrsMorrisey · 30/09/2023 09:23

Sometimes but I think that's normal.
I remember reading a thread a while back on here and people were saying they "adore" their husband and can't wait to get them into bed etc etc.
I don't feel that way about my DH but I have a deep love for him because he is a very kind decent man who prioritise me and his kids.
Sometimes I think it's boring etc but I will never do better TBH.
I think it's normal for couples to squabble over things though.

Pollymollydolly · 30/09/2023 09:29

Several times a day!! We bicker a lot.

We have occasional huge rows, lots of shouting - all hot air essentially.

Been together for decades and relationship is rock solid.

DustyLee123 · 30/09/2023 09:36

@OrangeBlossomPretty I don’t see why I should drug myself with hormones just to put up with him!

Woush · 30/09/2023 09:37

27y together. Our frequency of squabbling is directly proportional to our mental health.

For periods of time when we both have healthy and strong mental health, any annoyance would be mentioned in a kind and non-aggresive way. Then be responded to in a rational, non-defensive way. Similar exchange to a 'what shall we have for dinner' conversation.

If one or both of us are struggling with our mental health, into these conversations comes defensiveness, resentment, self-centredness and so on. So we will have more frequent squabbles, until one of us clocks what's happening, starts talking about mental health and trying to resolve the causes of the MH decline. Then we get back to no squabbling.

Girasoli · 30/09/2023 09:38

A couple of times a week - usually about the housework (we are both as bad at each other at not doing it)

We both quite like arguing though (I studied politics at uni 😆)

TeeBee · 30/09/2023 09:41

Very very rarely and then it's nothing more than getting slightly narked about something. If there are big things, we talk and resolve them. Any irritating habits are fodder for constant piss taking, which we both enjoy. But then I choose not to live with him...this helps enormously.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 30/09/2023 09:45

DustyLee123 · 30/09/2023 09:21

When I gave him ultimatums I should have stuck with them. He now thinks I’ll get over it and forget it, whereas I’ve become unable to have arguments, feel like I’m a nag if I try to say anything, and just seethe in resentment. It’s not healthy.

Ahh Dusty I feel like that too sometimes.Flowers

It's this side of menopause and peri that I'm struggling most with and HRT hasn't touched it. And I think because of how awful it can sound to someone who hasn't got a clue, we don't talk about it.

PinkyDinkyDoodle · 30/09/2023 09:51

We’ve been together 25 years and I’m not resentful yet. @RememberWhy @OrangeBlossomPretty

Squabbling isn’t the way we deal with things.

Sometime I’ll say “I would prefer it if you did x” and he might respond with “I tried doing that and I found it less successful than y. Why do you think x is better?” And then we come to a decision. Sometimes that decision is to continue doing things differently.

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 30/09/2023 09:58

I think H and I have a strong and mature relationship. We try to be considerate to one another, and we have shared values. But life is busy, and tiring, and we're not perfect, so we bicker from time to time. Maybe every couple of weeks we'll have a bit of a disagreement, nothing major. Very normal IMO.

islandeye · 30/09/2023 10:00

DH and I don't squabble. We're both the type to just let minor things ride tbh. Some people say that's a bad thing, but it works for us.

Pigeonqueen · 30/09/2023 10:05

islandeye · 30/09/2023 10:00

DH and I don't squabble. We're both the type to just let minor things ride tbh. Some people say that's a bad thing, but it works for us.

Yep this is us. Married for 15 years. We just silently seethe instead 😆😆

Highlyflavouredgravy · 30/09/2023 10:09

Married for 26 years
We bicker but it means nothing and we are laughing 5 minutes later

I remember talking to an ex boyfriend about his marriage years ago and he told me that he and his wife never argued, they discussed things calmly etc etc

He's now on his 3rd divorce

IhearyouClemFandango · 30/09/2023 10:11

Highlyflavouredgravy · 30/09/2023 10:09

Married for 26 years
We bicker but it means nothing and we are laughing 5 minutes later

I remember talking to an ex boyfriend about his marriage years ago and he told me that he and his wife never argued, they discussed things calmly etc etc

He's now on his 3rd divorce

We're the same. We bicker/squabble sometimes because we don't always agree on the little stuff. Married 15 yrs and quite happy.

Motnight · 30/09/2023 10:13

Pollymollydolly · 30/09/2023 09:29

Several times a day!! We bicker a lot.

We have occasional huge rows, lots of shouting - all hot air essentially.

Been together for decades and relationship is rock solid.

We bicker a lot too, now live on our own. When with friends and family we try not to!

Have big proper arguments only occasionally.

Together over 30 years.

Inkpotlover · 30/09/2023 10:15

OrangeBlossomPretty · 30/09/2023 09:22

I felt like that. Then I took HRT and I'm much less irritated !

Show quote history

Same. HRT probably saved our relationship!

I have a colleague who ended up divorcing her husband while she was in full throttle peri. Last year they remarried!

Bearpawk · 30/09/2023 10:15

Very rarely here. Maybe a few times a year. We don't like arguing. I think some couples genuinely DO like arguing, as I have friends who are generally happy but seem to fight over the smallest thing, even in company which is awkward.

He can be a bit useless with certain things (forward planning / keeping on time) which frustrates me but I'm a bit neurotic so I'm aware neither of us are perfect.
He's very thoughtful In lots of ways and I'm lazy in some so it all evens out I suppose.

Dontcallmescarface · 30/09/2023 10:17

Me and DP have been together 23 years. We have the odd squabble every now and then but we've never rowed.

My parents used to bicker all the time but in never raised their voices to each other Mum had 5 brothers who were always yelling and raised male voices used to put her on edge so dad was mindful of that. Dad was raised by verbally and physically abusive alcoholic parents so mum wouldn't shout at either dad or us ever. It must have worked ok for them as they were together for 60 years, married for 58.

Inkpotlover · 30/09/2023 10:20

We're very happy as a couple (going on 20 years) but yes, we bicker. But it means we deal with whatever is bugging us and move on really quickly. Neither of us could be with a sulker, it's a form of emotional abuse in my book. Interestingly, a friend once said that she and her DH found our bickering uncomfortable (edited to clarify we don't do it all the time, it was just the once!) and that they never ever rowed in front of their DD – they would literally schedule time later in the evening when she was in bed to argue! Guess whose kid has a terrible time with friendships because she's got no experience of conflict resolution and doesn't know how to argue and make up? Answer: not ours!

booksandbrews · 30/09/2023 10:27

I actually think it’s more of an issue if you don’t squabble. Relationships are built on a perpetual cycle of harmony, disharmony, repair. It’s completely normal and healthy.

How you squabble is more important, especially if you have the same things coming up again and again.

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