If you are in a happy relationship, how often do you 'squabble'?

[RememberWhy]

My DP and I are in a happy relationship. Only the other day he told me 'We have a really good life, don't we?' Which got us to chat about how we have a happy relationship, good friends, good jobs, we get on with family, etc. So we agree we are happy, very happy, and very lucky.

However every now and again we 'squabble' - I get annoyed he doesn't put stuff in the dishwasher (he leaves it in the sink 'I would have put it in the dishwasher later'), and he gets annoyed when, after a few minutes, I tune out when he drones on and on about stuff I have little interest in (mainly football).

But these are not major things - we are still loving to each other the rest of the time, laugh with each other (quite a lot), and help each other with stuff.

So I wanted to ask whether this is the norm - I guess so. Nobody has the 'perfect' relationship where you never get annoyed with each other, right? I certainly didn't with EXH. Sometimes here on MN you read of people who say they adore their partner, they are their best friend, etc, and it sounds like it's all sweetness and light. But does that exist?

Ofcourse it's normal folk who say they never argue are probably lying.

We hardly ever argued before the kids. Usually about something daft that would blow out of proportion. Maybe happened once every couple of months. Now we argue several times a week. Sometimes little disagreements or sometimes bigger ones. The kids have brought so much joy but yet so much stress!

We squabble fairly regularly, but it’s normally if we’re knackered or stressed. It’s over in a flash though - no grudges or silent treatment.

We are incapable of completing forms/paperwork together without it getting shouty, though!

Well the other night I got annoyed that he'd started watching Taskmaster without me and then he went in a mood and went to watch it in the other room and I stuck my fingers up at his back as he left and called him a fucking twat in my mind. But he actually then fell asleep watching it and by the next day all was forgotten and we watched it together that night. Stuff like that doesn't happen very often but one of us will quite often say 'I thought I asked you to do X and you haven't!' Or some such, but we won't particularly argue about it, just say 'oops, sorry!' Or 'well I was getting your dinner ready you know!' Or whatever.

My mum always says that she doesn't believe that people who say they never argue have a perfect relationship as that must mean that one person always gives in to the other one, so that isn't an equal partnership.

Together 11 years, living together 6 years, married 1 year. 2nd marriage for both of us. We both had very argumentative, emotionally volatile exes which we both found really difficult.

I think we both realised from the start that we wanted this relationship to be different. We tend to talk through anything that bothers us, listen to each other, find a solution and do our best to stick to what we've agreed.

Occasionally there are a few niggles, usually about housework or the state of the house. He tolerates more mess than me, I want more housework done that he likes doing but don't want to do it all myself and he wouldn't think that is fair either.

But I realise this is fairly common issue in relationships. Because we love each other and want this to work, we are committed to keeping the relationship positive. He does more housework than he would choose to do if it was just him, I tolerate more mess than I would if it was just me. We also live with my 2 teen DS (1 just gone to uni) who contribute to the mess, but don't tidy much of it up, despite my nagging!

So the niggles are, like, me: 'the house is getting dusty, how about I hoover these rooms and you do the stairs sometime over the weekend?' Him, 'oh, I thought we were going to relax this weekend.' Me, 'well, if we don't it will just be even worse next weekend. It won't take long, let's just do that'.

But we never let these things build into any big arguments, we are both quite straight and direct with each other about how we feel and what we want and we know each other really well, so we can anticipate how the other person will feel in a given situation. Neither of us are unpredictable like our exes.

I don't think we've ever had a big shouting match in our 11 years together. I can recollect a few occasions when there were raised voices, but even then it didn't escalate much and within half an hour we would be hugging, apologising, making up and discussing what bothered us.

I leave him to it and do my bit of housework. He sees me doing that and realises it wouldn't be fair if I did everything. So he does his at some point over the weekend. I know he would rather not, but also realises I will be unhappy if I perceive the house as a mess and I have a dust mite allergy which causes me issues if we don't keep on top of it.

Then we make sure we spend some quality time together too, especially when my DS is having a weekend with his dad (my ex). Usually some afternoon sex without interruptions, a nice walk, a film, dinner and wine. And enjoy each other's company and appreciate what we have together. He is the love of my life and we are happy spending time together and neither of us want petty arguments to cause a rift between us.

I’ve been with partner 21 yrs
when we moved in together it was hard, I had my idea on things he had his routine
Along the years there was a lot of resentment with me as I soon realised he wasn’t bothered about what the house was like as long as he had a roof over his head and everything was left to me to sort out or I’d be living with things years & years old
This is totally not me, so the bickering started
It soon got to him saying “ I’m not arguing “
Like I’d want to !! Just nothing ever gets sorted out and an answer. Just simple things like
” shall we paint the living room, it hasn’t been done for years”
id get there’s nothing wrong with it
Never to be brought up by him again, leaving me angry inside yet another thing left on the burner not resolved

This always happens when we start discussing
he never ever follows anything through
If I don’t bring it up it’s out of his mind !!
yet if it was his car or motorbike he would be on the phone or garage that day

It got to the point now that he shuts me down with “ I’m not discussing it” and I’m left reeling inside because nothing moves forward
A suggestion past week has left us not speaking hardly because I’m sick off his way of handling things by ignoring them. He is just like his dad was with his mum.

Apart from this issues most things we get on with.

Never.

And I’m not making it up- always amazed at how that’s thrown around on here.

We’re just not the squabbling type in any aspect of our lives. We get along really well and tend to be quite relaxed with most things so neither of us are type to get too upset if the dishwasher is stacked badly or if someone has taken the last of the milk.

It doesn’t make us or our marriage better than anyone else’s, it’s just how we are as people.

Outside of our marriage were like this too- neither of us are the type to get into minor issues with our families or annoying people in the supermarket etc.

A blanket “not arguing isn’t healthy” is just wrong and always amazes me how that’s applied to marriage but not other areas of our lives. Is it normal to frequently argue with coworkers or the local school mums?

Together 40+ years. Yes squabbling, sometimes often, sometimes very seldom: frequency usually connected to health or ( once upon a time) work pressures.

The important thing is not to ‘let the sun go down on your anger’ ( even if that sometimes means feeling a bit aggrieved at being the person to make the first advance).

I agree @Whadda
We both came from toxic relationships to this one, we’ve never wanted our relationship to be like that, so it isn’t. The most we do is get a bit frustrated and roll our eyes. We’ve never had a proper row, or bicker.

If we’re talking about really minor stuff, all the time.

Why is that bowl in there/Who drank all the milk/Pick that towel up off the floor/Stop filling that drawer up with crap/I’ve told you three times to do that… and the list goes on…

And then we’ve moved on two minutes later. I’d rather just moan out loud as we go along, rather than let any issues build up pressure cooker style.

We squabble or bicker occasionally. When we were first married, we argued quite a lot as we were getting used to each other on a day to day basis ( didn't live together first), so some things irritated us. Arguments became less frequent and more like bickering as we got to know each others ways and made decisions about what was important and what to let slide. And over the years, that happened less and less until we are at a point where it happens still, but rarely. We have been married over 40 years.
As an aside, I would say we do adore each other, but we are still individuals, so if course we disagree from time to time, but there has never been any doubt that we love each other very deeply, maybe not in a showy way, but in the ways that actually matter. Doesn't mean we can't have a squabble now and again!

Certainly have differing opinions sometimes and will disagree. Sometimes can be a bit short with each other when we’re both knackered and busy but will talk it out in the end. Never had a row, but neither of us are the type to shout

Very very rarely...I think the last cross word we had was back in April and considering we work together at home is pretty damn good . Been together 25 years and he is my absolute favourite person in the world. I think the fact he makes me laugh constantly helps diffuse any grips that might be brewing

Oh we argue loads but it’s nothing serious. I actually think it’s good for the kids to see loving adults have disagreements and respectfully work through them together. I’m neurodiverse and a bit of a nightmare to live with, DH is a bit anal (but in a brilliant way) - there is always going to be a bit of squabbling about what lives where and prioritising tasks. We never go to bed angry though.

Id consider us to have a very happy and healthy relationship as well, and we squabble sometimes, but we have never had a full blown argument where we’ve had to take time to ‘cool off’. I think squabbling is quite normal. I think big blow out fights aren’t.

That sounds exhausting.

Is that constant and from both of you?

I grew up with a difficult, nagging parent, and the idea of having to deal with the same thing in a marriage would have me running for the hills.

DH and I have been married nearly 5 years, together for nearly 13. We have 2 children and both work etc.
We don't squabble at all! But what does happen is when we do rarely argue it's because we haven't squabbled and so it all blows up.
I think squabbling does show good communication but maybe not too often, or it shows a lack of respect.

Most of the day! But I love him. It's just our way

😂 No, I’m not talking multiple times a day or anything extreme. “All the time” was a rather casual/misleading way to describe it, I suppose.

We’re exactly the same in our “squabbling” and it’s a 14-year happy relationship, so I guess it works for us.

I never squabbled with my ExH 😂says it all really! I squabble probably daily with my now H about stupid little household things. It's normal. Only teenagers think they will have a perfect life with someone 100%.

DH comes from a family of argues, I don't. Married 16 years, is say small squabbles a couple of times a month, big blowouts once or twice a year. We're pretty good at not doing low-level bickering (which his parents do a lot) probably as I just won't go there.

I've learned that dh pretty much forgets a lot of what he starts squabbles about soon after - it's just a learned habit from his parents - and I just let them go because they don't really mean much.

We get on each other's nerves and squabble here and there but we get over it fast.
Even bigger disagreements get resolved very quickly as we really don't like to argue & dwell on things.
I thinks that's key for us.
Best friends, a lot of love between us, been through A LOT together, but we defo have our moments and its not all roses.

Probably daily but over minor things and it never escalates.

Oh quite a bit...we agree on the fundamental important life stuff and values...but yes we bicker about the dishwasher and other minor things!

Never. Children squabble. I grew up a long time ago.

I get annoyed he doesn't put stuff in the dishwasher (he leaves it in the sink 'I would have put it in the dishwasher later'), and he gets annoyed when, after a few minutes, I tune out when he drones on and on about stuff I have little interest in (mainly football).

I could have written this, word for word. (Mainly football here too but see also: tennis and caravans 😂)

OH and I have been together 25 years. We’ve been very lucky in life to have good health, two healthy lovely children, a lovely home, enough money for holidays and a few treats. So we don’t have much to squabble about but we do inevitably get on each other’s nerves at times. Neither of us are prone to losing our tempers and don’t enjoy confrontation so when we ‘fall out’ it tends to take the shape of sulking and avoiding each other for a short time. And then the ice thaws, we have a quick chat to sort things out and all is ok again. We laugh a lot which I think helps keep things good because we can laugh at ourselves and each other. We have both got a lot better at apologising to each other over the years too.