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Original poster

Sad to realise that my grandmother has no interests outside the men in her life

83 replies

RomaniIteDomum · 28/09/2023 10:54

I am the family cake maker.
My grandmother turns 90 this year so I was planning a special cake.
I usually theme cakes to the recipient and their interest so I sat down yesterday and started sketching ideas. But I realised that this woman has practically no interests.

Every interest she has or had is in relation to the men in her life.

She has been defined her whole life by either being her father's daughter (still is to many of the older generation in about town), her husband's wife or her sons' mother.

I was chatting to my sister about ideas and all we could come up with is gundogs, gardening and rugby.
The gundogs were in relation to her father and his job, the garden was out of necessity because my grandfather wanted and enjoyed a big garden, and the rugby was because all her sons played.

Everything she watched on the TV was dictated by my grandfather.

She didn't read, cook or go to any social clubs.

I just find it all a bit sad.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 28/09/2023 10:58

But she is 90 that is quite an achievement can you not just base it on the number

Original poster
RomaniIteDomum · 28/09/2023 11:13

We've come up with something.

It was just the sad realisation that she's never really had an identity/social life of her own.

OP posts:
Madamwahselle · 28/09/2023 11:15

I think you're projecting op

WandaWonder · 28/09/2023 11:16

If she is genuinely happy and not 'I have decided she shouldn't live that way' then I would not have an opinion, everyone is not the same

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/09/2023 11:19

Was she happy with that, though, or did you get the sense that she was unhappy/unfulfilled?

If she seemed happy enough, I wouldn’t give it another thought. IMO it’s a common enough mistake to think that because someone else’s lifestyle/interests wouldn’t appeal to you personally, that there’s something wrong with them.

Why not just make her a lovely but ‘no interests’ Happy Birthday cake? I’m sure she’ll really appreciate your time and trouble.

x2boys · 28/09/2023 11:20

She,s 90 its not up.to you to decide, wether her life is sad or not ,it may not be a life you want ,but she night be very happy and content with it.

Gothambutnotahamster · 28/09/2023 11:22

As long as she's happy, & has been happy, its really not your business.

LakeTiticaca · 28/09/2023 11:25

She probably had the same life as many of her generation. They got married, raised families, ran the household.
Who are we to judge whether they were/were not happy with their lot?

looking4pup · 28/09/2023 11:27

I'd say that's pretty normal?

Original poster
RomaniIteDomum · 28/09/2023 11:29

LakeTiticaca · 28/09/2023 11:25

She probably had the same life as many of her generation. They got married, raised families, ran the household.
Who are we to judge whether they were/were not happy with their lot?

This.

I suppose being from a generation with much more freedom I can't fathom that lack of choice.

OP posts:
saltnsaucey · 28/09/2023 11:30

It’s her 90th birthday not an episode of Judge Rinder. Be happy for her and put some lovely garden flowers on her cake

OutsideLookingOut · 28/09/2023 11:30

It is sad to me too OP but at least she might be happy? You can’t miss afar you don’t know?

declutteringmymind · 28/09/2023 11:34

It's not too late to change that. Not in a radical way but in good conversation.

Maybe she felt hers was a life of devotion.

willingtolearn · 28/09/2023 11:38

People might look at me and think that everything I do is about the 'men in my life' - if I reach 90 it might look like this.

In truth I had an absolute whale of a time in my 20s and then when I had my children my 'career focus' switched off and my family became my primary focus.

For many people their family are what defines them and their life may have been in duty to this choice.

It's true there may have been less choice then to live differently but don't assume people who choose family are unhappy or live lesser lives.

parameciumparty · 28/09/2023 11:39

She's 90, this was life when she was growing up. Put some icing flowers on the cake, everyone likes flowers. She may have spent her life feeling happy and proud that she was a wife and mother. There's nothing wrong with establishing a home and raising a family then having a rest once you get older.

ShippingNews · 28/09/2023 11:39

My grandmother was just the same but she was entwined with the women in her life. Her mother, sister, and daughters were the centre of her life and she had no interest in men except my grandfather. She appeared to have a happy life , lots of female friends, close relationship with her beloved sister . I see no reason to judge her life - she may not have had the extensive choices that I have, but she enjoyed the life she had.

Put a big 90 on the cake and some nice flowers, and just celebrate her long life .I'm sure she'd be astonished to know that you feel sorry for her !

DeathRattleDazzle · 28/09/2023 11:39

You are the one defining her that way. You are linking the things she likes to the men. She may not see it that way - she may have much more depth to her choices and life than you see.

BethDuttonsTwin · 28/09/2023 11:41

Well it all seems to have worked out pretty well for her hasn't it? She's 90 and is well loved and being celebrated. I think your sadness is misplaced and possibly somewhat patronising tbh. She's a woman of her time. I can't stand this current obsession with emotionally judging historical events/people/choices by present standards.

Emotionallyoverwhelmed · 28/09/2023 11:43

We are all shaped by the people in our lives though. Maybe she started gardening to be with her husband, but over time it became just as much her thing as his. The same with the rugby and gundogs. Would you feel the same way if her shared interests were with female family members?

BCSurvivor · 28/09/2023 11:44

You're coming across as very judgemental and condescending towards your 90 year old grandmother.
As an example, gardening.
How would you know as fact that she didn't actually love her garden?
Just because her husband chose the house for its large garden, why have you assumed that she didn't have any say in it?
You've said yourself that she LIKES gardening!

FrenchandSaunders · 28/09/2023 11:48

Oh I opened this thinking she was still a bit of a girl at 90 with several FWB ... how disappointing.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 28/09/2023 11:53

I really hope you can keep your ridiculous judgement hidden from your grandmother, OP. How dare you?

I find it sad that so many women look down on other women without understanding anything about them at all. You put it all in your OP but still, the reality of your grandmother's era and traditions just completely passed you by. That takes a special lack of wit and empathy.

twostraws · 28/09/2023 11:54

RomaniIteDomum · 28/09/2023 11:29

This.

I suppose being from a generation with much more freedom I can't fathom that lack of choice.

Show quote history

You're assuming she would have made a different choice had she been able to.

There are plenty of women alive right now who make different choices to me each day. It's a difficult concept to get your head around (and I honestly don't mean that sarcastically!) but different people can be fulfilled by wildly different paths.

Gothambutnotahamster · 28/09/2023 11:56

FrenchandSaunders · 28/09/2023 11:48

Oh I opened this thinking she was still a bit of a girl at 90 with several FWB ... how disappointing.

I thought the same Grin

PyramusandThisbe · 28/09/2023 12:06

Yes, it's deeply depressing. Not wildly unusual, though. My mother is in her 70s and is similar, only she didn't even imbibe hobbies from the men in her life, because her father had significant lifelong MH issues was either labouring or in a psychiatric hospital, she married a man who is almost certainly autistic and has only a single obsessive v technical hobby dominated by older men with a high concentration of the non-NT, and her son does long-distance running and death metal. She has a maddening habit of saying, wistfully 'Oh, it's great if you know about sport' or 'It's great if you're the kind of person who goes to the pub', without acknowledging that no magic invitation is needed to be interested in sport, not drinking alcohol is no bar to meeting friends in the pub.

In fact her life has been limited, if anything, by the men in her life (and her assumption that she needs to prioritise their wants over developing an independent life of her own).

Your grandmother sounds as if at least she derived some genuine enjoyment from what her father/husband/sons were interested in.