Sad to realise that my grandmother has no interests outside the men in her life

[RomaniIteDomum]

I am the family cake maker.
My grandmother turns 90 this year so I was planning a special cake.
I usually theme cakes to the recipient and their interest so I sat down yesterday and started sketching ideas. But I realised that this woman has practically no interests.

Every interest she has or had is in relation to the men in her life.

She has been defined her whole life by either being her father's daughter (still is to many of the older generation in about town), her husband's wife or her sons' mother.

I was chatting to my sister about ideas and all we could come up with is gundogs, gardening and rugby.
The gundogs were in relation to her father and his job, the garden was out of necessity because my grandfather wanted and enjoyed a big garden, and the rugby was because all her sons played.

Everything she watched on the TV was dictated by my grandfather.

She didn't read, cook or go to any social clubs.

I just find it all a bit sad.

Oh, that's a way cheerier reading!

I was expecting similar, like my cousin who at 94 (but only admitting to 93) had 3 boyfriends on the go. Two in the same sheltered housing block, and one in the next block over.

.my mum is nine years younger than your Grandmother I would say she had a pretty good life she didn't have as much choice growing up.as we do now but options were available and her own mother who who.would be 111 if she was still.alive was a buisness owner who wss widowed young but managed to send alk three of her children to.private school
Maybe your Grandmother chose this life because she wanted too?

But is she happy? Yes she was born in a different time, but she’s had years to choose a different hobby/interest if she’d wanted to. My gran is forever starting new clubs etc.

Maybe being a wife and mum fulfilled her? Maybe she likes dogs, gardening, and rugby? My MIL is a huge football fan and finds it infuriating when people assume she’s only watching for her DH and DS. She knows more about it than they do.

Fair enough if you know she has been prevented from following her own interests… but don’t assume she’s missed out because her life isn’t something you’d choose for yourself.

She is 90yo, that’s how things were then

I’m 😳😳😵‍💫😵‍💫 by these comments.
When I look at my mother and grandmothers , none of them had their lifes as defined ‘by the men of their life’ as that. They had their own interest, hobbies, social circle. Yes my grans (who would be into their 100s now) were SAHM. But they still had their own interests! They still read, watch TV, had their own favourite programs and so on.

@RomaniIteDomum i get what you mean there. It feels like she was never allowed to be her own person.
I agree though that she might still have found happiness there. It would make me wonder who she would have been if she had been able to chose what she liked instead if living through people.

IMO it’s a common enough mistake to think that because someone else’s lifestyle/interests wouldn’t appeal to you personally, that there’s something wrong with them.
Well said

I don't remember either of my grandmothers really having any hobbies (unless you count watching sports and quiz shows on TV) but that doesn't mean that they weren't interesting women.

Your last sentence sums it up perfectly. We are no more fit to judge previous generations than any of those who have come before us. It’s massively misguided.

very best wishes to your GM by the way OP, hope she has a lovely day doing whatever makes her happy 😊

I remember going to the funeral of my sisters MIL. The whole eulogy was about how she was such a good wife to her late husband, and what he did, how she produced meals for her 3 boys, and what they are doing. Very little about the fabulous lady she was, caring for neighbours, checking in on family, loved to chat. I was a bit cross but actually none of my beeswax.

Her 80th cake was her sitting on a couch with them around her, she loved it, they were her world.

I don’t know whether the men in her life were nice or not. But maybe she sees it as a life defined by love and care?

I don't know - a lot of my interests have come through other people, and actually plenty of them are men. Husband, my brother, friends.

I don't know why that's sad really.

Don't be so bloody judgemental OP and make her a fantastic cake. I'm sure there will be loads of stuff you can include if you look. Her fireplace/cat/feature from her home town or garden/ m&s shop logo/ sherry/flowers from wedding bouquet/ family portrait in icing/hot water bottle. Tbh it sounds like maybe you just don't know her very well - nobody who gets to 90 has nothing in their life.

That's your point of view, maybe you don't know your grandmother that well? How do you know she gardened to make your grandfather happy and not because she also enjoyed it? There's nothing wrong with being a wife, mother and homemaker and even today many women are extremely fulfilled with such role, to dedicate one's life to spend time, nurture and care for our most beloved ones. A flower-themed cake seems better than an office-themed cake or an alcohol, pizza & netflix-themed cake to me which sadly is a lot of people's lifestyles today

Ha! Me too. V disappointed!!

I have zero hobbies too because I'm so busy, when I have time I just want to do nothing! Why not devorate her cake with beautiful flowers?

Isn’t her theme therefore “family”? It may not be for you, but there are lots of members of my family who get their comfort and happiness from family?

Blimey I think you're being a bit overdramatic 🤣.

I'm sure your Grandma wouldn't have gone a long with the dogs and gardening if she hadn't taken enjoyment from it herself.

Likewise with the rugby, it's nice to watch the people you love and to support them. I'm a housewife/SAHM and I'm happy as Larry for my interests to take a back seat to my DH's and DC's because I consider them my life...my family are my hobby. If they're all happy then so am I, absolutely nothing sad about that. Horses for courses and all that.

She had a more interesting life than my grandmother, who cleaned and bitched her whole life.

Dogs, gardening and watching your healthy kids play sport sounds kind of nice to me.

I thought this about my Gran when she passed away too. She'd worked as a secretary before she was married, but gave up her job when she got married. She fed and clothed and looked after the family, but didn't have any other interests than that. She went to church on a Sunday. I can't remember her even doing crafts. My mum said she always used to hate Sundays as they were so boring, because Gran just sat down and wouldn't do anything.
It just felt sad and a very dull life.

I do find it quite sad, not in a patronising way. My grandmothers were both very determinedly active in things outside the confines of the men in their lives - this is unusual and a very large part of why I am who I am now. So I’m extremely lucky.

I recently went to a funeral of an aunt of mine who I wasn't very close to. It seemed that her life was similar - she was of a similar age to your grandmother when she died. All anyone was able to say about her was that she was married, had children, had grandchildren and went to church.

Just seemed like she was only important in relation to other people and not her own achievements? I don't know. But it seemed rather sad to me that she seemed to not have a personality outside of her husband and children.

Women are not being presented with a wider range of choices nowadays, we're just being pushed towards a very different path. Before women were told to get married and have a family life, nowadays girls are told to study and have a career. How many girls are really explained that they have the choice to discontinue their studies, get married and be a housewife if they wanted to? The vast majority of girls are not even aware that's an option and many women believe it's completely impossible in today's economy. When I made the choice to drop out from college and that instead I wanted to be a wife and a mother my parents were extremely mad at me and life at home was hell until I moved out. I bet you back when your grandmother was young a woman who went against what was the norm and decided to work instead was faced with much less backlash. I've met many working moms who wished they could stay full time with their kids as they feel they barely have any free time to spend with them, and increasingly there are more and more women who end up single and/or childless against their wishes as "it never happened to them" because they were too focused on their studies and career and didn't feel they had the time to meet a good man or to dedicate to children so they could climb the career ladder and children would "interfere" with that. Which causes many a woman high levels of anxiety and depression. And I know there are women who don't want children, but not all childless women childless by choice

Me too!,I expected her to say her grandmother was some kind of brazen hussy!!🤣

But for church going women of that age there would have been a sense of duty which modern generations can not comprehend.