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Original poster

How to help this family

70 replies

Notaboutme1 · 23/09/2023 10:26

This is not about me so I may not be able to answer some stuff.

So Dd has a friend she has a partner they have 2 children who are 3 years old and 6 months old.

The house is in a really bad state. Food all over the floor broken plates. Dirty stuff piled everywhere. Food rubbed onto the sofas. They don't parent the 3 year old at all. My dd was at their place and the 3 year old Is just doing what she wants throwing food rubbing on walls etc. But her mum just ignored her.

I think possibly they are finding it hard to cope and have given up. Baby is only 6 months. Mum could have postnatal depression. Or other mental health stuff going on. I personally don't believe someone would choose to live this way unless they had something mental health wise going on.

They all stayed over Dd place last night.this morning dd could hear noise. She was listening for a bit . Baby started crying dd is expecting mum/dad to get up for baby . The crying changed and the 3 year old had taken baby out of moses basket and dropped her on the floor. The parents slept though it all. The 3 year also pulled food out of dd fridge and ruined it.

I think social services are about in the form of early help. Her partner told Dd they have not judged them but want them to get the house sorted. So I'm guessing that's their friendly kick up the butt.

So dd is going to drop her kids to me in a while and they are all going to friends house to sort it out best they can.

Me and dd are thinking of things they can put in place to make it easier. As I said the child is 3 years old. Me and dd are thinking they need to get child locks for all the cupboards , doors and fridge freezer, and tall baby gates for the doors . They said she can kick the preasure ones off the frame. We then suggested screw in type. They said they have metal door frames? So can't screw them in. I have never heard of mental door frames? Also suggested plastic plates cups. Even for adults if need be.

Are cupboards/drawer lockd strong enough to keep 3 year olds out of cupboards etc ?

So dd can help them sort the house out . Make it a clean slate put things like locks etc in place. So maybe it does not feel so hopeless. But cleaning the house is not going to maje them parent is it ?

Any suggestions /ideas would be great.

I think the 3 year old is being assessed as some special needs.

OP posts:
StrictlyJowita · 23/09/2023 10:35

The three year old is opening the cupboards because they are hungry. They would not have to open the cupboards if someone was looking after them properly.

I don't understand why the top priority here is locking down the three year old with baby gates and cupboard locks. The parents should be with the three year old.

It's alarm clocks and baby monitors you need not baby gates and cupboard locks.

Original poster
Notaboutme1 · 23/09/2023 10:51

StrictlyJowita · 23/09/2023 10:35

The three year old is opening the cupboards because they are hungry. They would not have to open the cupboards if someone was looking after them properly.

I don't understand why the top priority here is locking down the three year old with baby gates and cupboard locks. The parents should be with the three year old.

It's alarm clocks and baby monitors you need not baby gates and cupboard locks.

Nope she takes stuff out if fridge. Treads on it rubs it in sofas etc. Will just throw stuff out of drawers cupboards etc It's not about locking a 3 year old down its also about keeping her safe . And making it easier for the parents. Yes they should be parenting better 100% agree but their not. So surely its better to put things in place so its safe and easier for the parents to cope.

OP posts:
Blarn · 23/09/2023 11:00

Metal door frames are definitely a thing, we have them. If the three year old can push down a tension babygate then it is not being fitted properly.

Child locks, fridge locks all sound good. Maybe even lists of tasks which need sorting? Like plates into the kitchen, pick up any food, wipes dcs hands and faces after a meal. Sometimes when people are struggling these small things are overwhelming and too much to think about, let alone do.

Interested in this thread?

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Beginningless · 23/09/2023 11:02

i Know this is not easy but your DD needs to share what she has witnessed with SW. Yes this family need help but they are not managing basic care, baby is being left to cry and in an unsafe situation with a 3yr old being the only one attending to them. The children are at risk and there will likely be more that has happened that your DD doesn’t know about. They need a formal plan around them that gives them the help they need and chance to turn this around, but the current situation sounds unacceptable for the kids.

Original poster
Notaboutme1 · 23/09/2023 11:17

Blarn · 23/09/2023 11:00

Metal door frames are definitely a thing, we have them. If the three year old can push down a tension babygate then it is not being fitted properly.

Child locks, fridge locks all sound good. Maybe even lists of tasks which need sorting? Like plates into the kitchen, pick up any food, wipes dcs hands and faces after a meal. Sometimes when people are struggling these small things are overwhelming and too much to think about, let alone do.

You just reminded me. Team Tom? May be helpful. And yes I think possibly reminding of the small things to. Plates in kitchen would be less likely to get smashed etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Notaboutme1 · 23/09/2023 11:22

Beginningless · 23/09/2023 11:02

i Know this is not easy but your DD needs to share what she has witnessed with SW. Yes this family need help but they are not managing basic care, baby is being left to cry and in an unsafe situation with a 3yr old being the only one attending to them. The children are at risk and there will likely be more that has happened that your DD doesn’t know about. They need a formal plan around them that gives them the help they need and chance to turn this around, but the current situation sounds unacceptable for the kids.

Its Been seem. I think they are giving them the chance to sort the house out . Which is why dd is going to help them today. I think dd wants to help them get the ball rolling so it does not feel so hopeless. But yes it runs deeper than a trashed house.

OP posts:
TheShinmeister · 23/09/2023 11:22

It sounds like the three year old needs parental supervision rather than being tested for special needs. You can’t leave a child that young to roam the house.

Owjrbvr · 23/09/2023 11:27

Is all this being reported to social services? I appreciate you and tour DD are trying to help but this needs professional input and oversight - mental health support, parenting support, frequent check ins. The baby could have been seriously hurt and parents had no idea

Original poster
Notaboutme1 · 23/09/2023 11:30

TheShinmeister · 23/09/2023 11:22

It sounds like the three year old needs parental supervision rather than being tested for special needs. You can’t leave a child that young to roam the house.

Well we can't actually know that can we. But yes special needs or not the child needs parenting. Dd has seen her rub food in the sofa and parent ignores her doing it. So I don't know if they just can't be bothered or if they have given up because it's so hard to cope with. But they need to do something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notaboutme1 · 23/09/2023 11:35

Owjrbvr · 23/09/2023 11:27

Is all this being reported to social services? I appreciate you and tour DD are trying to help but this needs professional input and oversight - mental health support, parenting support, frequent check ins. The baby could have been seriously hurt and parents had no idea

Yes dd can help kick start them with the practical side of the house. But she can't help them any further regarding mental health and how they are doing stuff.

As far as I know early help are involved.

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 23/09/2023 11:37

The parents need to start parenting the children instead of laying in bed while the 3 year old is wrecking the place . Why did your DD not bang on the door and tell them.to get up?

Meeting · 23/09/2023 11:53

Do they actually want help?

You can help people who don't want it and by the sounds of the living conditions they don't give a crap. Instead of focusing on the adults maybe try and get help for the neglected children before one of them is seriously hurt?

Original poster
Notaboutme1 · 23/09/2023 11:58

LakeTiticaca · 23/09/2023 11:37

The parents need to start parenting the children instead of laying in bed while the 3 year old is wrecking the place . Why did your DD not bang on the door and tell them.to get up?

She went in the room. Sorted the baby out . And told the 3 year old you must not do that it's dangerous. She tried to wake up the parents and they did not budge . I said to DD they are not dead . I find it hard to believe they have not heard a thing . So Dd went I the room again and shouted at them. the more I'm writing . The more I'm thinking this is a fuck up .

OP posts:
OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet · 23/09/2023 12:07

Are you sure the parents aren't drug users? Not waking up through all of that sounds very suspect!

PurpleChrayne · 23/09/2023 12:18

You sound oddly belligerent and unwilling to take advice.

To be perfectly frank, these people sound like they shouldn't have custody of their children. Social services need to step the fuck up. No wonder all the countless cases like Arthur LJ and Star Jones happen with such incompetence going on.

Iammetoday · 23/09/2023 12:23

Your dd can't change their parenting, they need actual help from ss. Just report your concerns to ss abd they will be building a picture up, does 3 year old go to nursery? Are they working? Drugs involved? Wheres their family?

Original poster
Notaboutme1 · 23/09/2023 12:24

PurpleChrayne · 23/09/2023 12:18

You sound oddly belligerent and unwilling to take advice.

To be perfectly frank, these people sound like they shouldn't have custody of their children. Social services need to step the fuck up. No wonder all the countless cases like Arthur LJ and Star Jones happen with such incompetence going on.

I have not said at any point I'm not taking advice. Where did you see that? I'm having a discussion replying via what I have been told etc. That does not = not taking advice

OP posts:
WingingItSince1973 · 23/09/2023 12:33

Do you know for certain that SS are involved or just what the parents have told your dd? I would ring them anyway with the latest information as just tidying their house isn't going to make a difference to their parenting if they won't get up for a baby crying. It's more than just a messy house. Those poor children 😢

Original poster
Notaboutme1 · 23/09/2023 12:34

Iammetoday · 23/09/2023 12:23

Your dd can't change their parenting, they need actual help from ss. Just report your concerns to ss abd they will be building a picture up, does 3 year old go to nursery? Are they working? Drugs involved? Wheres their family?

DD just dropped her kids of to me. It turns out they don't have childcare. I have suggested to DD they contact the Nan. Be honest with her about what's going on there's no way they can gut the house with the 3 year old there.

3 year old is in nursery I know nursery find her hard to manage from what her mum has said .

When dd dropped the kids of she was really upset. She said she's seen to much now she was almost crying. She said she will help with the house. But she's going to report to social services. There's no choice

OP posts:
Sprogonthetyne · 23/09/2023 12:34

Is the 3yo in nursery? They should be old enough to receive 15h funding, but if the family have been in crisis for a while, they might not of had the capacity to deal with applications etc. If so maybe that's something DD could suport with it? It will give the parents some breathing room, and get the 3yo out of that environment regularly.

Ascendant15 · 23/09/2023 12:36

I'm sorry but I have to agree that this is beyond "a bit of help" and if you / your daughter care at all about the safety of these children then you report it all to Children's Services. There is no good reason for parents to neglect the needs and safety of their children - mental ill health or addictions are not justifications for doing nothing, and "tidying up" is doing nothing. We both know that tidying up will not do what needs to be done, and it will be the same or worse in hours. For whatever reason the parents choose to live like this. The children have no choice. Do not be that person who, when a child ends up dead, says that they didn't think it was all that bad.

romdowa · 23/09/2023 12:38

StrictlyJowita · 23/09/2023 10:35

The three year old is opening the cupboards because they are hungry. They would not have to open the cupboards if someone was looking after them properly.

I don't understand why the top priority here is locking down the three year old with baby gates and cupboard locks. The parents should be with the three year old.

It's alarm clocks and baby monitors you need not baby gates and cupboard locks.

My ds opens cupboard doors and I can assure you he is not hungry. Its a thing toddlers so. Thats why cupboard locks where created 🙄

Original poster
Notaboutme1 · 23/09/2023 12:42

Ascendant15 · 23/09/2023 12:36

I'm sorry but I have to agree that this is beyond "a bit of help" and if you / your daughter care at all about the safety of these children then you report it all to Children's Services. There is no good reason for parents to neglect the needs and safety of their children - mental ill health or addictions are not justifications for doing nothing, and "tidying up" is doing nothing. We both know that tidying up will not do what needs to be done, and it will be the same or worse in hours. For whatever reason the parents choose to live like this. The children have no choice. Do not be that person who, when a child ends up dead, says that they didn't think it was all that bad.

I agree. From what I have heard this morning there's no choice. Its got to be Done.

OP posts:
anareen · 23/09/2023 12:50

There is something far more serious going on. I wouldn't be surprised if they are drug users. The best way you can help is to make a report to whatever agency that oversees the welfare of children.

Original poster
Notaboutme1 · 23/09/2023 12:50

WingingItSince1973 · 23/09/2023 12:33

Do you know for certain that SS are involved or just what the parents have told your dd? I would ring them anyway with the latest information as just tidying their house isn't going to make a difference to their parenting if they won't get up for a baby crying. It's more than just a messy house. Those poor children 😢

I guess it could be something they are just saying. I hope not. But it could be. They did say that they are due a visit soon. And they were told they want to see that they have done improvements. And if they need to throw stuff out social services will help pay for replacements which dies sound like social services.

I'm told mum went to GP broke down says g she can't cope and gp tone referral.

Dd said she's going to report. They stuff she see going on this morning at DD house was to much.

OP posts: