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Original poster

How to help this family

70 replies

Notaboutme1 · 23/09/2023 10:26

This is not about me so I may not be able to answer some stuff.

So Dd has a friend she has a partner they have 2 children who are 3 years old and 6 months old.

The house is in a really bad state. Food all over the floor broken plates. Dirty stuff piled everywhere. Food rubbed onto the sofas. They don't parent the 3 year old at all. My dd was at their place and the 3 year old Is just doing what she wants throwing food rubbing on walls etc. But her mum just ignored her.

I think possibly they are finding it hard to cope and have given up. Baby is only 6 months. Mum could have postnatal depression. Or other mental health stuff going on. I personally don't believe someone would choose to live this way unless they had something mental health wise going on.

They all stayed over Dd place last night.this morning dd could hear noise. She was listening for a bit . Baby started crying dd is expecting mum/dad to get up for baby . The crying changed and the 3 year old had taken baby out of moses basket and dropped her on the floor. The parents slept though it all. The 3 year also pulled food out of dd fridge and ruined it.

I think social services are about in the form of early help. Her partner told Dd they have not judged them but want them to get the house sorted. So I'm guessing that's their friendly kick up the butt.

So dd is going to drop her kids to me in a while and they are all going to friends house to sort it out best they can.

Me and dd are thinking of things they can put in place to make it easier. As I said the child is 3 years old. Me and dd are thinking they need to get child locks for all the cupboards , doors and fridge freezer, and tall baby gates for the doors . They said she can kick the preasure ones off the frame. We then suggested screw in type. They said they have metal door frames? So can't screw them in. I have never heard of mental door frames? Also suggested plastic plates cups. Even for adults if need be.

Are cupboards/drawer lockd strong enough to keep 3 year olds out of cupboards etc ?

So dd can help them sort the house out . Make it a clean slate put things like locks etc in place. So maybe it does not feel so hopeless. But cleaning the house is not going to maje them parent is it ?

Any suggestions /ideas would be great.

I think the 3 year old is being assessed as some special needs.

OP posts:
anareen · 23/09/2023 12:58

Meeting · 23/09/2023 11:53

Do they actually want help?

You can help people who don't want it and by the sounds of the living conditions they don't give a crap. Instead of focusing on the adults maybe try and get help for the neglected children before one of them is seriously hurt?

Agreed! My first thought was these people will use them for their kind hearts. They need to not get involved and both just make reports to an agency responsible for the welfare of children.

anareen · 23/09/2023 12:59

OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet · 23/09/2023 12:07

Are you sure the parents aren't drug users? Not waking up through all of that sounds very suspect!

Agreed! HUGE indicator of drug users!!!!!

Original poster
Notaboutme1 · 23/09/2023 13:06

Just wanted to add they are not drug users . Dd has know her since thet were 11 from secondary school . Don't know the partner so well . He seems alright. I know he works nights

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

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NameandShame · 23/09/2023 13:09

I’m sure the people have already said this I’ve not read the whole thread, but the trouble is your daughter is basically going to go in there and cover up for them and make them look more competent than they are. I have been there and got the T-shirt with my brother’s girlfriend sent a Tesco’s delivery of food which just happened to arrive the day before social Services was inspecting the house for lack of food and of course she opens the cupboards and the cupboards were stocked full to the brim. 24 hours earlier, and there was no food in the house and all the money had gone on drugs.

anareen · 23/09/2023 13:18

Notaboutme1 · 23/09/2023 13:06

Just wanted to add they are not drug users . Dd has know her since thet were 11 from secondary school . Don't know the partner so well . He seems alright. I know he works nights

I honestly feel like you are both a bit naive to the situation. I am not trying to sound rude but what you have described is ALARMING and you are willing to have your family clean the house for them- they should be doing that themselves! To the extent that they haven't, you guys cleaning for them is just enabling the behavior. By cleaning you are not helping these children! The both of you need to make a report! If you want to help you wouldn't risk the children's welfare by basically looking the other way!

misssunshine4040 · 23/09/2023 13:21

This is horrible. They stayed with your DD and don't even bother to get up when they were told to?
Their kids are being seriously neglected and something awful may happen soon.
Sorry but I would not be cleaning the house as you are covering up the real issue to SS.

They can't/won't cope with these kids then there has to be another solution.

Original poster
Notaboutme1 · 23/09/2023 13:24

NameandShame · 23/09/2023 13:09

I’m sure the people have already said this I’ve not read the whole thread, but the trouble is your daughter is basically going to go in there and cover up for them and make them look more competent than they are. I have been there and got the T-shirt with my brother’s girlfriend sent a Tesco’s delivery of food which just happened to arrive the day before social Services was inspecting the house for lack of food and of course she opens the cupboards and the cupboards were stocked full to the brim. 24 hours earlier, and there was no food in the house and all the money had gone on drugs.

Drugs are not involved. Early help have apprently seen the place and are giving them the chance to sort it out. But I was also thinking the same as you as well. Wouldn't be so bad if it was just the house and they needed a kick start. But it runs deeper than that.

OP posts:
NameandShame · 23/09/2023 13:26

If you and your DD really want to get involved pick those kids up, take them to your house Phone social services on Monday. If Social Services or the parents want them back, they can apply through the correct channels to do so. Literally film everything. Including the state of the house SS return them to (which they will by the way, theyll be back with the parents by monday lunch whether the parents want them or not.

NameandShame · 23/09/2023 13:29

You are not helping by cleaning that house or making it toddler pRoof . Unfortunately if you don’t wanna go and get the kids to prevent an accident which is the only way you can do that. you’re gonna have to let an accident happen where professional Services getting involved i.e. accident in emergency or an ambulance.

YokoOnosBigHat · 23/09/2023 13:34

Sounds like maybe there's more it this. Depression? But I do wonder about drugs.

Original poster
Notaboutme1 · 23/09/2023 13:34

We are not in the position to remove the kids like that. As we have our own stuff going on. Dd also needs to keep her own children safe. We could contact the emergency social services though.

OP posts:
anareen · 23/09/2023 13:44

Notaboutme1 · 23/09/2023 13:34

We are not in the position to remove the kids like that. As we have our own stuff going on. Dd also needs to keep her own children safe. We could contact the emergency social services though.

Now you have gotten over your egocentric bias! Yay! Another member had a great idea of filming if possible. Document ANYTHING you can. The more proof the better! Please please please do right by these children and both of you call! If there is multiple reports of this it can bring more awareness for these babies!

Original poster
Notaboutme1 · 23/09/2023 13:56

anareen · 23/09/2023 13:44

Now you have gotten over your egocentric bias! Yay! Another member had a great idea of filming if possible. Document ANYTHING you can. The more proof the better! Please please please do right by these children and both of you call! If there is multiple reports of this it can bring more awareness for these babies!

Show quote history

What's egocentric bias mean?

Will take photos. Videos If possible. I'm not sure if I can report as I have not seen or Been there Irs just via what dd says . So she msy be the one who needs to do it. By the same token nothing to loose by me calling as well.

OP posts:
Facing40andfrazzled · 23/09/2023 13:59

are the parents of the couple capable of stepping in an removi g the children from what is a very unsafe environment. This is child neglect contact social services tell them everything do not help cover up the horrible living conditions …. I have been there with my sister and her partner and it only prolonged the neglect and psychological damage being inflicted on innocent children …. Once the children are safe then help the parents if they really want that help

KandieKaine · 23/09/2023 14:06

Do you think the parents have a drug addiction?

Original poster
Notaboutme1 · 23/09/2023 14:06

anareen · 23/09/2023 13:44

Now you have gotten over your egocentric bias! Yay! Another member had a great idea of filming if possible. Document ANYTHING you can. The more proof the better! Please please please do right by these children and both of you call! If there is multiple reports of this it can bring more awareness for these babies!

Show quote history

Wow I just looked up what it means.

egocentric
/ˌɛɡə(ʊ)ˈsɛntrɪk,ˌiːɡə(ʊ)ˈsɛntrɪk/
adjective
thinking only of oneself, without regard for the feelings or desires of others; self-centred.
"egocentric loners with an overinflated sense.

Maybe you should nlt be so judgemental towards us. You do (not)know of our situation. You have absolutely no idea.

If we did not care, were selfish I would not have posted in the first place. And would have just let them get on with it . I have taken advice abd will follow that through

OP posts:
Freshair1 · 23/09/2023 14:09

This requires urgent call to SS or NSPCC.

oobladay · 23/09/2023 14:13

This is very serious OP. Absolutely sounding like the parents are struggling to keep their children safe and cared for. And ringing huge alarm bells for drug use. Or perhaps as you say mental health so poor they are unable to function but the result is the same regardless of reasons. These children are being hugely neglected.

The toddler could have seriously harmed the baby by dropping them - they're just a baby themselves! And though it's incredibly kind of you all to help - it's kind of defeating the purpose if the parents aren't also being proactive.

If the toddler does have Sen I can imagine this makes things incredibly challenging. But reading between the lines it sounds like there is a huge lack of boundaries and active parenting going on. If parents are just ignoring behaviour the children are never going to learn what they can and cannot do. It would be best for the children if your dd did report what she knows.

anareen · 23/09/2023 14:13

@Notaboutme1

It means someone who isn't looking beyond their own point of view pretty much.

You have good intentions but were struggling to acknowledge the severity of the issue at hand as many have been trying to get across 🙂 Everyone only wants what is best for these babies as you have come here for advice and made it known! I am glad you can possibly be a lifeline for these children 💜

Original poster
Notaboutme1 · 23/09/2023 14:22

oobladay · 23/09/2023 14:13

This is very serious OP. Absolutely sounding like the parents are struggling to keep their children safe and cared for. And ringing huge alarm bells for drug use. Or perhaps as you say mental health so poor they are unable to function but the result is the same regardless of reasons. These children are being hugely neglected.

The toddler could have seriously harmed the baby by dropping them - they're just a baby themselves! And though it's incredibly kind of you all to help - it's kind of defeating the purpose if the parents aren't also being proactive.

If the toddler does have Sen I can imagine this makes things incredibly challenging. But reading between the lines it sounds like there is a huge lack of boundaries and active parenting going on. If parents are just ignoring behaviour the children are never going to learn what they can and cannot do. It would be best for the children if your dd did report what she knows.

Yeah I get that. When dd dropped her kids of and told me some more stuff. My thoughts have changed since she told me more things. But image the thread before I knew other stuff.

OP posts:
AfterMum · 23/09/2023 14:46

I'd phone the police.

Loopyloooooo · 23/09/2023 15:03

Honestly? I don't think your DD going there to help really "helps" it's just masking things for social services. IMO the best thing she can do for those kids is to step back a bit and keep reporting to social services and nursery if the 3 year old is in nursery.

Also you need to phone social services yourself too (the emergency line) the more reports the better.

StrictlyJowita · 23/09/2023 16:03

My ds opens cupboard doors and I can assure you he is not hungry. Its a thing toddlers so. Thats why cupboard locks where created 🙄

Yes, that does sound like the same situation. 🙄 right back at you.

I can't see why I would have thought that these parents were probably not feeding their three year old.

Maybe their parenting is neglectful in all of the other areas other than food.

Probably they sleep through their baby crying but make a beef and barley stew for their three year olds dinner. He's probably not hungry at all. He's just a curious toddler.

Original poster
Notaboutme1 · 23/09/2023 16:19

StrictlyJowita · 23/09/2023 16:03

My ds opens cupboard doors and I can assure you he is not hungry. Its a thing toddlers so. Thats why cupboard locks where created 🙄

Yes, that does sound like the same situation. 🙄 right back at you.

I can't see why I would have thought that these parents were probably not feeding their three year old.

Maybe their parenting is neglectful in all of the other areas other than food.

Probably they sleep through their baby crying but make a beef and barley stew for their three year olds dinner. He's probably not hungry at all. He's just a curious toddler.

If it was to do with hunger I doubt the child would be rubbing food in the sofa. I did see the child earlier she's in no way under weight.

OP posts:
Ahhhhhbisto · 23/09/2023 16:20

Awful to say as it is coming from a good place but your DD is not helping by cleaning for them. This needs reporting asap. You have the children with you now...how are they?

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