Don't want my daughter making First Communion, ex partner does.

[Upcyclerookie]

Literally this, what do we do , flip a coin?

@Upcyclerookie do you want her to go to catholic high school? The kids here that do it are either a)actually from religious families or b) wanting to go to the Catholic high school.
So only about half of year 3 do it.

Your ex may well change his mind if he realises that he has to take her to mass recently… the church attached to our school does preparation through the school but they also expect the child and at least one parent/guardian to be regulars at mass for a while beforehand.

The non religious families that do it the kids just seem to view it as an excuse for cake and fancy clothes (especially the girls).

They usually do it in year 3 and they must attend mass every single week and go to all the weekly classes and do the homework. For a year. At least one parent must attend the parents' classes too.
If he is happy to do all that let him get on with it.
As pp have said, it is often a pathway to a grammar school. IMO they children are too young to understand it all and it is very much something for the parents/families.

You have to be baptised in order to make your FHC. So if you weren't baptised you wouldn't have been able to take part, whether you wanted to or not.

In DDs year, a child was actually Baptised in order to make his Communion.

I think 6 is too young to understand for any child.

that said I think I would go with the idea of him being the one who does all the leg work for it. I think by agreeing to baptism and catholic school you have already agreed to bring her up in that faith until such point as she can make her own decision.

Have to say, I agree with this.

Its a meaningless pointless ceremony to you, but has some meaning to him, even if social/ traditional.

So I’d just do it.

I find the whole thing a bit creepy and a waste of time. The kids don’t have a clue what they are doing really.

However if you think she would enjoy getting dressed up and having a bit of a fuss made over her, I’d maybe go along with it. I suppose it’s tradition and a bit of an excuse for a celebration.

They usually do it in year 3 and they must attend mass every single week and go to all the weekly classes and do the homework. For a year. At least one parent must attend the parents' classes too

nope. My children did it in year 4 with school. No mass, no homework and no parents meeting needed…

Slightly different, but my DH was adamant that my DC should be christened because "it mattered" to him. I said OK go ahead - I'll leave it to you to organise it.

Aaaaand it never happened.

I don't think you can say the children don't know what they are doing. It is normal where I am to take First Holy Communion at 7 or 8 and mine could certainly understand at that age.

Gosh. Times have changed. Doing it through school sounds much less time consuming. The priest used to take a register at every mass and if anyone didn't attend once over the weekend it was NOTED...
I still have the homework books and the text book for the parents.

My DH is Catholic and our children were allowed to choose whether to do FC or not. DD didn’t and has no interest in church; DS (just 15) did, probably because he had friends doing it. It was a big celebration and I think he enjoyed it, tbh.

So I’m kind of on the fence. If she’ll be the only one opting out, it may be more comfortable for her to do it. It doesn’t mean that she’ll need to go on to be confirmed, many teenagers don’t.

Just read your updates. Tbh if you have gone down the baptism and catholic school route it’s a bit much to start objecting to what that means. You’ve agreed that she’s been brought up in a Catholic environment. You are going to make life difficult by now objecting to Catholic things.

Having children engage in religious rituals they do not understand is immoral. Truthfully, none of those 6 year olds is ready to engage with religion at a high enough level to understand what they are being asked to do.

you should do the right thing and veto this.

Are the rest of her class actually doing it? I went to a catholic school and maybe 7 out of our class of 35 did their holy communion. It wasn't a big deal for the actual school as they do it on a sunday. The only reason we knew was because they wore the fancy clothes in the next weeks assembly.
If she isn't interested and you don't practice is there much of a point of getting her to do it? Unless she particularly enjoys church related things or dressing up?

If he wasn't your ex, would you still be objecting?

I'm really not asking that just to be a bitch.

It just seems like you went along with the baptism and schooling, but FHC is beyond the pale - why is that? If the only thing that's changed is that he's now your ex, are you refusing to stick it to him, rather than for the sake of real principle?

If not, why draw the line here?

i would be inclined to let her. My dad is atheist, my mum is RC they agreed we would be brought up RC, and when we were 16 we could make the decision for ourselves. My sibling and I confirmed our faith at 18, my other sibling didn’t. This worked well for the three of us and no one felt obligated to continue the faith.
Your DD is not contractually bound to the church if she does this. If you don’t think she will even really understand what is going on what difference would it make.

Clearly different in different places, my experience is more like @endofthelinefinally with attending mass and doing extra stuff at school.

I am Catholic and one of the criteria for first communion is that the person is aware of the meaning of the sacrament. At this point you said she doesn't. I had to meet with the priest to discuss my understanding.

Depends on how much prep they’re doing in school and what % of the class are proceeding with FHC. I wouldn’t want her to be on her own in sitting out any instruction given through the school. She may not be bothered now but in years to come she may well find herself left out of conversations or reminiscences with her classmates. I would also be checking to make sure skipping it wouldn’t hinder her chances at proceeding with her year group to an RC secondary, particularly if it’s over subscribed. Here in NI RC schools are generally every good and if I’d chosen an RC schooling I wouldn’t want to hinder her chances at getting in.

Even if the instruction is given outside school hours I do think it’s a good time to say to your ex, “Ok, but I’m not facilitating the classes so let me know what nights you’ll be taking her”.

I’m no fan of the RC church but imho the time to make your stand on this was at the christening and/or start of primary school stage, not now.

I thought first holy communion was a lot older than 6? It seems quite young, especially for a child who has developmental delays.

Having said that, I am the least religious person but I don't really see the problem, in theory, with letting her do it as part of the school process. She's at a catholic school, is technically catholic, and this is just the next step in that. And arguably there's a cultural element to it beyond the religious, which, as she's at a catholic school, is appropriate and relevant. Just like I had plenty of jewish friends at school who weren't particularly religious but still had a bar mitzvah and just like DH and I got married in a church linked to his family's "official" religion even though neither of us is religious.

There was a man, some years ago, who was appalled that his parents had had him christened. He launched a huge campaign about it and wanted the record of the event removed because he was a staunch atheist. It was pointed out to him that, as he was an atheist, it was all pointless as he had been promised
to a god he didn't remotely believe existed. So having a record, of something that he didn't feel was real, removed was totally unnecessary. You have had your daughter christened and she is experiencing religious things every day at a Carholic school. If she is confirmed into something that matters to your ex and means nothing to you it makes no difference at all. When she is older she can make her own choices to keep up with, or reject, the teachings of the Catholic Church.I dare say if you believe in confession then your confession before a priest matters. I am an atheist. I taught in church schools for 20 years. I am neither christened nor confirmed. They didn't care. I didn't care. I went through the motions. Your daughter can do the same, or she can find joy and hope I it.

Explain to her in very, very simple terms what it means, and let her decide.

"Christians believe that Jesus died so that we could be friends with God. The bread and wine is a picture that helps them remember this. Is this something you want to do or not?"

Personally, I would.
In a catholic school the whole class will be taking their holy communion and your child will be the only one to miss out.
When I did it It just felt like an opportunity to wear a pretty dress and have a party with my class. I'm not religious as an adult, I don't think it makes much difference to anything else in your life.

If she's baptised RC and at an RC school, it's a bit ridiculous now to stop your DD from making her 1st Holy communion. You're committed now, so this is not a hill to die on OP.

My dd went to a Christian school, she couldn’t even handle going to church with school. I never got her christened, she has autism and I wouldn’t want to put her through anything she couldn’t consent to due to her lack of understanding. I live in an area where all schools are church schools but there is no pressure to take part in any of the religious ceremonies.

I agree with you OP, you need to do what’s best for your dd and not just go along with ‘what’s expected of her’.