Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Help, 16-year-old DD have a nervous breakdown

90 replies

Untenable · 15/09/2023 21:05

I need to know how I can get through the weekend with DD who really is having a complete MH crisis.

DD has always been very anxious, she has had two lots of therapy with Camhs and a few sessions with private therapists which have been pretty useless. In brief, she is a total perfectionist, full of self hatred,. With ridiculously high standards for herself academically. Over the summer she seemed to be getting a bit better once GCSEs had finished, went on holiday with friends then family and had fun. Went to a couple of festivals and danced away. Then she came back and started sixth form. And it almost immediately went to pot. Day one: She was complaining about one A-level she was doing and that she didn’t think she was up to the task. (she got straight nines in her GCSEs). Day 2 complaints that she thought her teachers for another subject Weren’t good enough. Day 3 decided the third subject, she was doing, was not right for her she needed to drop it and sfundvsomething else.… Fast forward another weekend and every day she has been coming home from school and crying hysterically all evening saying can’t cope..

The school has been amazingly supportive, the head of Lower Sixth and her deputy have met with me and her dad twice this week, and with her once to try to help and are emailing constantly , she has been sitting in various A-level classes to try and find the third a level, but we’re beyond caring about that now – she simply seems to be disintegrating in front of our eyes, she somehow get through the day, and then gets home and has a meltdown. It can’t go on like this I pulled every strung in the book to get her an appointment with a really good psychologist, who I thought might actually help, sessions were meant to start on Monday. I’ve just had an email saying they have been postponed until Thursday. I’m not sure how she will cope until then, but again the psychologist may not be able to help.

She also has an appointment with our GP who I think they have to give her antidepressants, but that is not until the end of the month

really I need advice on how to get through the weekend with her. She is in absolutely no state to see a friend. All I can think of is dragging her out to things with me and making her sit in the cinema, go shopping, go for a meal et cetera, even if she is utterly miserable because she can’t just stay home and cry.. all she wants to do is work, if the school haven’t set anything, she will invent a task and sit at her computer, looking miserable and crying

It’s a devastating situation.

OP posts:

Tickledtrout · 15/09/2023 21:18

Sorry to hear that OP.
Am presuming the focus of camhs and the private psychologist has been CBT based to date? What strategies did they share with you and her to notice and reframe her bubbling anxiety? Could you revisit those with her this weekend - whatever has worked before ( exercise, relaxation, journaling, pet therapy etc).
Any other diagnoses?
There is no easy fix, sadly

FusionChefGeoff · 15/09/2023 21:19

Get her out and into nature. Walking / canoeing / stand up paddle boarding / walking along a beach / hiking...

Try to find mindful and / or physical activities that will distract - I'd say cinema isn't great as she'll just be obsessing whilst sat there.

Sounds naff but litter picking is good for this.

Bigger picture - do you model failure? Do you make mistakes / talk about making mistakes / how you coped / what you did? Try to bring that into the family.

Listening2023 · 15/09/2023 21:20

OK she needs a year out, she's mentally burned out. Obviously education is compulsory to age 18 but a GP can sign her off I'm sure. At her age sickness record means nothing. Can you whisk her away to some sort of retreat/caravan near a beach until Thursday?
Alternatively call 111 and select the crisis option.

Im so so sorry, poor poor girl 😔

Lighttodark · 15/09/2023 21:20

I’m not a professional but as an adult have been through something similar. What’s helped me is getting out of my head and in to my body - what that means practically is doing something physical - walks, yoga, bike rides etc in nature. Lots of greenery. Focus on breathing (search YouTube for guided breathwork for anxiety etc), guided meditation can also help. She needs to regulate her emotions before she can talk and reflect. I really hope she tries some of this and that it helps x

Original poster

Untenable · 15/09/2023 21:22

Thanks I know there’s no easy fix it’s literally how to get her through the days

they’ve suggested all this stuff - she can’t relax that’s the point. I think I will just have to drag her around on walks until she collapses. She is hardly eating

OP posts:

Lighttodark · 15/09/2023 21:22

Do all of the above with her. You could also try something creative like painting.

Listening2023 · 15/09/2023 21:23

Please call 111
Text SHOUT
Samaritans

Lighttodark · 15/09/2023 21:24

Will she let you be close? Hug her and do the deep breathing with her. Being active and out in nature will help with appetite. Liquids might be easier to down eg shakes and smoothies.

Sunandstorms · 15/09/2023 21:25

Just be warned your GP may well be very reluctant to prescribe an antidepressant as they aren’t licensed in children under 18 so in most areas are used with guidance from CAMHS only.

I think I would try to have as low key a weekend as possible with a real focus on self care - so some gentle exercise eg a walk somewhere beautiful, think about what she’s eating and maybe get her to do some cooking, perhaps a bit of crafting if she’s remotely into that - you could always pop to hobby craft with her and she could pick a kit or sort through photos from the summer and make a photo book, a nice bath with a face mask or something - so overall a bit of staying busy and doing positive stuff and trying to build self esteem. Is she sleeping? Regular bedtimes and if she can’t sleep maybe try some audiobooks or music.

good luck.

Original poster

Untenable · 15/09/2023 21:25

Sorry missed a couple more replies

i will get her outdoors as much as possible

I have no faith in 111

OP posts:

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/09/2023 21:25

Sounds like ASD burnout to me.

My Dd was identical. Passed 9 GCSE. Couldn’t settle in any A level class, swapped between 4 or 5. Meltdowns at the end of the day, more and more stressed. Became an EBSA in March. Recovering at the moment.

GentlemanJay · 15/09/2023 21:27

If she needs time out then get her out of college.

Education isn't a race.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/09/2023 21:28

Anxiety is often the first symptom ASD girls present with. Then they are diagnosed as anxious.But the bigger picture will emerge.

ana101012 · 15/09/2023 21:29

Does music help her? I sometimes suffer panic attacks and find putting headphones on and music as loud as I can get it calms me- I just lay down with my headphones on eyes closed and it calms me and helps me get out of my own head, not even calming music just anything I like. It might not work but may be worth a try. I hope she's okay, also make sure you're looking after yourself x

Original poster

Untenable · 15/09/2023 21:30

Appreciate all your suggestions

will buy a big jigsaw tomorrow and go on long dog walks

OP posts:

cherryassam · 15/09/2023 21:31

I’m coming from this from a different perspective in that I was your DD, although I had my breakdown when I was 19.

You are in crisis mode at the moment so in my mind, it’s not the right moment to try and think about how to solve the big problems, you just need to get through each day as it comes.

How my parents got me through when I was similarly inconsolable was:

my mother treated me like I was a small child again - where she went, I went. If she was cooking dinner, I was cooking dinner. If she was folding laundry, I was folding laundry. If she went to the supermarket, I went to the supermarket and so on. I realise that might not be possible if your DD is still fighting things in a way, but I had got to a point where I was completely unable to occupy myself and was actually happy to just follow blindly.
my mother slept in the same room as me, so that she could be there straight away when I woke up in a panic
my father took over all of my life admin - he had my email password, dealt with my job at the time, dealt with my university, made appointments for me, took me to appointments
They let me sleep as long as I wanted whenever I wanted

I am trying to think of other things that helped in that short crisis time, will ask my mother and see what she says

That basically kept me alive until I was properly medicated and in therapy, then they could step back and we stared actually dealing with the underlying problems.

justanothermummma · 15/09/2023 21:32

I would suggest looking into a qualified psychotherapist who uses Transactional Analysis in therapy sessions. It really helps to unpick anxieties, manage expectations and understand what her needs are and give her the appropriate tools to express those needs.

There is something called the Racket System which breaks life down into a script.

As an example, her current 'script' in life means that when she gets anxious, she withdraws and this cycle is continuous. However, using various tools from understanding Transactional Analysis you learn to 'rewrite' your script and break that cycle.

It's honestly life-changing. If I knew about this at 16 I would have saved a decade of trauma, sadness and feeling lost.

Lots of love OP.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/09/2023 21:34

A private pyschiatrist dealing with under 18 will be able to prescribe medication.

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 15/09/2023 21:36

Is there any possibility of asd ??

Aside from that has she got visual organisational tools ? Notebooks to keep her thoughts down? Explain to her that her mental health is paramount to school so that's where the perfect work needs to begin on her mental health. Sorry you're in this situation and even more sorry for her poor heart and mind

Reugny · 15/09/2023 21:38

and go on long dog walks

How does she get on with the dog?

If she and the dog get on with each other encourage her to sit close to the dog and pet them.

In fact encourage the dog to be with her at all times.

That way if you do as @cherryassam says if you need to say go to the loo or have a shower there is a calming living presence with her at all times.

WhisperingHi · 15/09/2023 21:38

If your daughter won't panic, I would request time out for her. Would anyone be home with her if she had a month or two off school? Could you home school/can she teach herself?

I'm not qualified in any way but I think drugs will be a big part of the answer here. Something to prop her up through a very stressful time for her. It's so hard being in her shoes, she will struggle to switch off.

Does she have any clue what she wants to do after school? I would highly recommend she has time working before going to university. Education and assessment seems to be a trigger for her. She may benefit from being in "real life".

cherryassam · 15/09/2023 21:39

@Reugny yes great suggestion. I forgot but our family cat at the time was a real source of comfort. She slept in my bed with me and provided a properly calming presence.

Original poster

Untenable · 15/09/2023 21:40

Thanks all especially @cherryassam . Forms of useful therapy are great to hear about but probably for another day. Short term she will sleep with me and - as you say - just be a baby

i may take her to a private gp on Monday and try to get a referral to a private psychiatrist. It will be £££ but needs must.

OP posts:

HerMammy · 15/09/2023 21:40

Obviously education is compulsory to age 18 only in England and tbf nothing is done if you're not. This is constantly trotted out in here.
OP let her take time out, A levels can wait.

pompomdaisy · 15/09/2023 21:40

She doesn't have to do A levels there's lots of different routes and alternatives to university. My DD had to stop school. Her burn out left us with no choice but to reevaluate what was important. Doing more exams like a conveyor belt isn't the answer.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread