Help, 16-year-old DD have a nervous breakdown

[Untenable]

I need to know how I can get through the weekend with DD who really is having a complete MH crisis.

DD has always been very anxious, she has had two lots of therapy with Camhs and a few sessions with private therapists which have been pretty useless. In brief, she is a total perfectionist, full of self hatred,. With ridiculously high standards for herself academically. Over the summer she seemed to be getting a bit better once GCSEs had finished, went on holiday with friends then family and had fun. Went to a couple of festivals and danced away. Then she came back and started sixth form. And it almost immediately went to pot. Day one: She was complaining about one A-level she was doing and that she didn’t think she was up to the task. (she got straight nines in her GCSEs). Day 2 complaints that she thought her teachers for another subject Weren’t good enough. Day 3 decided the third subject, she was doing, was not right for her she needed to drop it and sfundvsomething else.… Fast forward another weekend and every day she has been coming home from school and crying hysterically all evening saying can’t cope..

The school has been amazingly supportive, the head of Lower Sixth and her deputy have met with me and her dad twice this week, and with her once to try to help and are emailing constantly , she has been sitting in various A-level classes to try and find the third a level, but we’re beyond caring about that now – she simply seems to be disintegrating in front of our eyes, she somehow get through the day, and then gets home and has a meltdown. It can’t go on like this I pulled every strung in the book to get her an appointment with a really good psychologist, who I thought might actually help, sessions were meant to start on Monday. I’ve just had an email saying they have been postponed until Thursday. I’m not sure how she will cope until then, but again the psychologist may not be able to help.

She also has an appointment with our GP who I think they have to give her antidepressants, but that is not until the end of the month

really I need advice on how to get through the weekend with her. She is in absolutely no state to see a friend. All I can think of is dragging her out to things with me and making her sit in the cinema, go shopping, go for a meal et cetera, even if she is utterly miserable because she can’t just stay home and cry.. all she wants to do is work, if the school haven’t set anything, she will invent a task and sit at her computer, looking miserable and crying

It’s a devastating situation.

I think you need to allow her some say in what will help and what she's up to.

If anyone tried to drag me out to paddle board or do anything 'in my body' when I'm in burn out or depression I think I'd honestly end up snapping and punching them (and I'm neither violent nor do I condone violence but that's what would happen if they actually tried to push me in to something like that as I would I feel like I might die and I'd go into survival mode).

So speak to her gently - just about whether she'd like to do something outdoorsy to get out of her head or if she'd prefer relaxing.

Personally this is the kind of thing that helps me:

• Nutritious but comforting food

• Duvet day and movie or comforting TV series I've watched before and that makes me laugh

• Time with my animals

• Dog walks at a calm, relaxed pace taking the time to look around at nature

• Little or no demands of me including much in the way of making decisions

• Soft comforting clothes

• I resist self-care when burned out but always feel much better once I've showered/bathed so maybe running a calming aromatherapy bath

• Comforting things like hot chocolate, comforting music on

Even though I'm 41 I just want someone to stroke my hair and tell me everything's going to be okay.

A little bit is okay but avoid too much sugar, caffeine and junk food as the ingredients will fuel the anxiety.

Also, probably not relevant but I've just had COVID for the first time and it has sparked the most severe anxiety episode I've ever had for five weeks so worth being aware that viral illnesses can cause inflammation in the brain that spark these kind of burn outs.

I think you're right to avoid thinking about future diagnosis, what happens next or anything like that this weekend.

There's plenty of time for that and it won't do either of you any good to focus on those things right now.

Mainly it needs to be about calming her nervous system down.

If she's up for it some very gentle yoga videos or deep breathing relaxation or calming meditation would help.

Equally focusing on something like a very easy craft / colouring with soothing background music on can act like mindfulness.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Thanks about the advise about pip. I've
Literally just sent the initial letter to get the forms now we have the proper diagnosis.

If you want to Pm me I'm
Happy bounce ideas and experience with you as I dont want to derail the thread.

Actually I might pm you as I think my email
Linked to Mumsnet not longer works.

We have a similar story only our crises erupted over the GCSE mocks.

DD had seen the GP many times for anxiety, seen by school and SENCO many times. I'd even ask for her to be referred to a Paediatrician before she started school as I knew she was struggling.

Eventually been seen at a first appointment with Community Paediatric and they've said that she's showing some "significant ASD traits".

Don't rule it out yet

Do you feel she may have been masking ASD or ADHD her whole life? This can be exhausting and often high achievers and perfectionist personalities struggle.
She may just not have the mental strength to face starting her A Levels.
If she isn't self harming or at any immediate risk in that way, I would just let her rest. Sofa and blanket perhaps a comfort film and stay around her pottering.
If you can chat perhaps reassure her that A Levels seem very daunting at first it is a whole new regime to get used to and she must go gentle on herself.
My DD had similar but was younger and we got through it. It's the most terrifying thing as a parent.

Sorry I didn't see the bit about you having looked into ASD etc.
Anyway medication heloed my DD hugely but we did have a rough ride from 14 onwards.
We stripped out all stressful things and like others have said almost treat like a younger child and gently do tasks together or potter to the shops. We even used to go for a drive.

Nothing wrong woth having a break before carrying on with A Levels if she decides it will help. Or perhaps she could just do one for now? Sometimes dropping out entirely can make things seem more terrifying if you are a high acheiver.

Hi OP, so sorry to hear DD is struggling.

Autistic girls mask…until they don’t. The female autism red flags are all in your initial post: ridiculously high standards, perfectionism, anxiety. At some point during teenage years, this becomes impossible to maintain and autistic girls break down.

Lots of good suggestions on this thread for self-care and decompression. Hopefully a diagnosis will allow her to be kind to herself, and give her a route forward.

Hope you had an okay night @Untenable. I was thinking about the food situation because I also remember barely being able to eat and I was so anxious that I didn’t feel any hunger. What helped me at that time was not being given options of what to eat but instead just having food put in front of me at regular intervals, always stuff that my mum knew I liked and found comforting.

Often my mum would sit with me and she’d be eating it and then offer me some from her plate and I’d feel able to give it a go. My brain perceived it as more safe because I was sharing it with her and I didn’t have to make any decisions about it rather than opening my mouth to let her feed me.

Obviously the stuff around food was something I later on dealt with through therapy, but as I said in my previous posts and others have said, don’t worry about doing anything you need to do to get through this crisis time. I remember being in a GP appointment with my mum and her saying she wasn’t sure if she was doing the right thing by treating me like a small child / being completely nurturing and soothing. The GP told her that it was the completely right thing to do to stabilise the crisis - thinking about it in medical terms, you wouldn’t be working on physio with a patient who was in the middle of having a stroke, even though they will need to have the physio to make a full recovery.

Sorry I posted before your updates this morning and last night.

I think the conflicting advice is coming from treating a NT person who is getting low, like paddle boarding to treating a young woman with ASD burnout.

If you can get her to come on a no pressure dog walk that's great but if she needs to sleep under a blanket all day, that's fine too.

I hope the family member is helpful today

Your parents sound amazing. I hope you are well now.

I saw in your recent update about rumination - I was also a massive ruminator, I found repetitive physical touch to be the best at soothing me.

I would lie on the sofa watching a film / tv (often Disney films or the same TV series on loops) with my head on my mum’s lap and she would stroke my hair or rub my back.

All of the things she got me doing were also very low demand on me - I wasn’t expected to do anything other than be with her, although I did find repetitive activities helpful here too. Chopping vegetables / pairing socks / ticking off shopping lists. Sometimes I was literally like a small child in that I would lay my head on her back whilst she cooked at the stove and just hold onto her.

I would take your DD’s lead - if anything you’re doing with her makes her lots more distressed, then it’s not the right thing for this crisis time in my experience.

@S910441 I am much better now - still have my ups and downs but am able to cope with them much better and my ability to cope is always increasing. A job I love, a DH I adore, happy home life, friends and family who bring me joy, volunteering that is meaningful.

My parents are amazing and were amazing. They truly saved my life and I think probably saved me from an awful lots of trauma that would have exacerbated everything further. It’s funny because they were not people who knew a lot about mental health - I asked my mum later how she knew what to do and she said it felt instinctual that she wanted to bring me back into her and keep me safe in that way. I think it was equally important that they were able to step back at the right time and allow me to deal with the underlying problems and build my own resiliency and coping skills. Therapy sessions where all three of us spoke to a therapist together were very useful for that renegotiation.

@MidnightOnceMore thank you for your kind words - yes I’m much better now. Still have ups and downs but much more able to cope.

How about radically open DBT which is being trialled now for perfectionism / over control? It's still very new I think but maybe worth a look.