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Original poster

Help, 16-year-old DD have a nervous breakdown

90 replies

Untenable · 15/09/2023 21:05

I need to know how I can get through the weekend with DD who really is having a complete MH crisis.

DD has always been very anxious, she has had two lots of therapy with Camhs and a few sessions with private therapists which have been pretty useless. In brief, she is a total perfectionist, full of self hatred,. With ridiculously high standards for herself academically. Over the summer she seemed to be getting a bit better once GCSEs had finished, went on holiday with friends then family and had fun. Went to a couple of festivals and danced away. Then she came back and started sixth form. And it almost immediately went to pot. Day one: She was complaining about one A-level she was doing and that she didn’t think she was up to the task. (she got straight nines in her GCSEs). Day 2 complaints that she thought her teachers for another subject Weren’t good enough. Day 3 decided the third subject, she was doing, was not right for her she needed to drop it and sfundvsomething else.… Fast forward another weekend and every day she has been coming home from school and crying hysterically all evening saying can’t cope..

The school has been amazingly supportive, the head of Lower Sixth and her deputy have met with me and her dad twice this week, and with her once to try to help and are emailing constantly , she has been sitting in various A-level classes to try and find the third a level, but we’re beyond caring about that now – she simply seems to be disintegrating in front of our eyes, she somehow get through the day, and then gets home and has a meltdown. It can’t go on like this I pulled every strung in the book to get her an appointment with a really good psychologist, who I thought might actually help, sessions were meant to start on Monday. I’ve just had an email saying they have been postponed until Thursday. I’m not sure how she will cope until then, but again the psychologist may not be able to help.

She also has an appointment with our GP who I think they have to give her antidepressants, but that is not until the end of the month

really I need advice on how to get through the weekend with her. She is in absolutely no state to see a friend. All I can think of is dragging her out to things with me and making her sit in the cinema, go shopping, go for a meal et cetera, even if she is utterly miserable because she can’t just stay home and cry.. all she wants to do is work, if the school haven’t set anything, she will invent a task and sit at her computer, looking miserable and crying

It’s a devastating situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Untenable · 15/09/2023 21:43

Not going to think about a long time off school until she’s been properly assessed. Not discounting ithe idea, but it would break her heart. Normally she loves school and her friends

we had already agreed she’d have a gap year after school and delay starting uni

she lives the dog and he/her

OP posts:
vipersnest1 · 15/09/2023 21:44

OP, my DD (who has a significant disability, alongside being autistic) really struggled, to the point she dropped out of sixth form. (To give you an idea of her ability, she got 9s in English and English Lit at GCSE.)
She found her own way, developing an interest in accounting, and has now passed a level 2 BTEC, and is now on the way to being a fully qualified accountant - there were two and a half awful years in there, where she had to drop out of sixth form at school and also couldn't cope with going to a sixth form college. (Some days she would manage to get dressed but would then collapse into a crying ball in the hall).
She's still going strong, on her way to her next qualification.
I paid for her to see a private counsellor - it didn't really help. What did help, two years after my suggesting medication, was fluoxetine. It helped to stabilise her mood, and helped her to deal with stress and her emotions.
She doesn't need it any more. She has found a job that allows her to work from home, which she does well.
I would say don't try to force your DD to do anything. Offer her choices that are within your ability to do with her, but are also things where she doesn't feel she has to interact with anyone - cinema, beach, etc.
As someone who had experience of what you're going through, stay strong - and if you're struggling (I know I did), see your GP for advice about how to cope. Flowers

Lighttodark · 15/09/2023 21:45

Think @cherryassam advice is great. It could also be helpful for her to hear that it’s ok to feel like this / take a break and that you will figure it out together. You sound like a great mum. Wishing you and DD the best.

cherryassam · 15/09/2023 21:46

Sending lots of good wishes your way @Untenable.

If it gives you some hope, I had that horrendous breakdown at 19 - it had lots of similar roots, perfectionism, low self esteem, intense anxiety. Moved back in with my parents, was there for about 18 months. Got help through medication and therapy. Went back to university and finished successfully. Got a job I love and continue to love to this day. Married with a DH who helps me be well and who I am able to support. I have my ups and downs with my mental health but cope much better and am learning to cope better all the time. I know I was incredibly lucky to have parents who were there to catch me and keep me safe when I couldn’t do so myself and it sounds like your DD is lucky to be in the same position, even though she’s going through such a tough time at the moment.

Original poster
Untenable · 15/09/2023 21:49

Thank you @cherryassam it is lovely to hear your story

going to sign off tonight to be with dd but I will update as I know ppl get invested and have been so kind

OP posts:
Original poster
Untenable · 15/09/2023 21:50

And plan of action is lots of walks, dancing with the wii and a jigsaw for the weekend

private gp on Monday and another meeting with school

i have to do my job but will make it work

OP posts:
Romiii · 15/09/2023 21:50

If she’s not set on doing her A levels in the school I’d pull her out, give her respite for a few months, then look into an apprenticeship qualification or online A levels.

Needmorelego · 15/09/2023 21:54

She doesn't need to do A-levels.
She doesn't need to be at school.
She DOESN'T legally have to be in education until 18 (even in England) despite people still churning out that it's "the law" (it isn't).
Take her out of school.
I hope she gets the help she needs 💐

cherryassam · 15/09/2023 21:54

That sounds like a great plan @Untenable- have you got someone who can provide you with some support too?

Haze193 · 15/09/2023 21:56

Hi OP, does your DD need to pick a 3rd A-level? If she is feeling really overwhelmed it might be best to stick with two a-levels- the reduced timetable might help. CBT is generally helpful for anxiety but the patient needs to be ready and motivated for change. Is there an in school mentor like person she can check in with?

Haze193 · 15/09/2023 21:56

Hi OP, does your DD need to pick a 3rd A-level? If she is feeling really overwhelmed it might be best to stick with two a-levels- the reduced timetable might help. CBT is generally helpful for anxiety but the patient needs to be ready and motivated for change. Is there an in school mentor like person she can check in with?

lanadelgrey · 15/09/2023 21:56

Good that you are sleeping with her, apparently regular normal breathing by a person who is not in distress helps regulate the breathing of someone who is. If she is in the sixth form if the school where she did her GCSEs then it will be easier for her possibly to pick up later on in the course as teachers will know her if and when she is better. She can be signed off sick as an adult is from work.
Go back to whatever childhood activities she enjoyed. Try to encourage her to stay downstairs with the family rather than retreat to her room, even if she is curled up on the sofa under a blanket all day. Small little things as and when. It will get better but not to a rigid timetable. And get some support for you so that you can help her. I think things like having a friend over and my DD hearing us chatting in the kitchen about other stuff was oddly calming

BHRK · 15/09/2023 21:56

Can I use say you sound like a lovely mum

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/09/2023 21:57

vipersnest1 · 15/09/2023 21:44

OP, my DD (who has a significant disability, alongside being autistic) really struggled, to the point she dropped out of sixth form. (To give you an idea of her ability, she got 9s in English and English Lit at GCSE.)
She found her own way, developing an interest in accounting, and has now passed a level 2 BTEC, and is now on the way to being a fully qualified accountant - there were two and a half awful years in there, where she had to drop out of sixth form at school and also couldn't cope with going to a sixth form college. (Some days she would manage to get dressed but would then collapse into a crying ball in the hall).
She's still going strong, on her way to her next qualification.
I paid for her to see a private counsellor - it didn't really help. What did help, two years after my suggesting medication, was fluoxetine. It helped to stabilise her mood, and helped her to deal with stress and her emotions.
She doesn't need it any more. She has found a job that allows her to work from home, which she does well.
I would say don't try to force your DD to do anything. Offer her choices that are within your ability to do with her, but are also things where she doesn't feel she has to interact with anyone - cinema, beach, etc.
As someone who had experience of what you're going through, stay strong - and if you're struggling (I know I did), see your GP for advice about how to cope. Flowers

Fluoxetine helped mine more than 3 rounds of therapy. I think intense anxiety needs more than therapy.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 15/09/2023 22:01

@cherryassam 's advice is excellent, because this is a crisis situation and you need to let her exist for this time. I also think treating them like little kids is a great idea just to get you through, lots of nurturing, lots of space, and don't feel you have to solve everything, practice saying 'mmm' a lot and don't get into arguments about next steps now, they will unfold. I know someone else's teen who has just gone through this and mine struggled in the pandemic, and there's a lot of pressure to perform in this age group and she sounds burned out and like some time out might be necessary for all of you.

Reetnice · 15/09/2023 22:05

Research Ashwagandha and also magnesium glycinate. Specifically the glycinate as there’s loads of variations. I’ve always refused medication for my anxiety, purely because I worry I’d never get off them. I discovered Ashwagandha and magnesium glycinate and it changed my life. obviously do your own research/make your own judgements on it first, but in my case it worked miracles x

AltheaVestr1t · 15/09/2023 22:06

Private psychiatrist consultation. Expensive but very fast and you will get far better care from an hour with a specialist consultant than you will get from 10 minutes with a GP. It sounds like she could do with a short course of medication and a number of weeks off to help her get out of crisis and then ongoing medication to control her anxiety. All the things that you already have planned will be very helpful - walks, pets, sleeping in her bed. Remove all demands and let her rest. Lots of reassurance - this will feel like the end of the world for your DD, but she will heal and she isn't missing a thing that she can't make up later. Far better this happen now when you can take care of her and teach her how she can take care of herself than if she had gone away to uni and was trying to weather it alone. Good luck to both of you - you sound like a lovely family.

hiredandsqueak · 15/09/2023 22:07

Is it autistic burnout? You mention anxiety and perfectionism which is pretty common in autistic females. Things that helped my daughter the dog who sat with her and on her for hours. Needlefelting something about the rhythm and repetition soothed her. Simple boardgames we played blockus and boggle. She also started medication sertraline, it's not a miracle cure but it takes an edge off. It's been a long hard road. I wouldn't say she is recovered but she is better than she was.

DreamTheMoors · 15/09/2023 22:15

I was your daughter. She’s very fortunate to have such a caring mum.

When I was overwhelmed and in tears, my mother told me to “stop it” and my dad told me to “dry up.” It wasn’t so easy - as you know.

Get your daughter out into the fresh air. Insist on walks and exercise. Do you have a dog? Dog walks every day. Outdoor activities - picnics, adventures, anything to take her mind off school and her troubles.
Keep her busy. Wear her out.

Sending love to you both.

Tonightsthenight91 · 15/09/2023 22:16

Sympathy to you both OP. Is she a Virgo by any chance? (There’s a reason why I’m asking before anyone piles on)

Killingmytime · 15/09/2023 22:24

She sounds like me at 16/17. Full breakdown. I had Therapy and was put on high dose antidepressants.
i wish i’d just dropped out of college and went to work full time ( as ironically i coped much better with my m/h at work
as i just seemed to zone out). I didn’t do well at college for this and other reasons, and dropped out of uni after my m/h got worse.
education is not always everything.
i had great gcse’s, also hated failing at anything! Your m/h is more important.
i’m now in a great paid job and my m/h is the best it’s ever been.

Original poster
Untenable · 15/09/2023 22:27

if anyone can recommend a private paediatric psychiatrist in London to ask to be referred to, I’d be very grateful

I hear all the stuff about taking a break from school, but I honestly don’t know what dd would do instead, she adores her friends and likes schoolwork – it’s not that she has been crammed into a system that doesn’t suit her. She is very very academic, probably too academic. We have told her since the dawn of time to not work so hard, but that is the only thing she seems to enjoy doing and knows how to do The school is putting absolutely no pressure on her to choose a third a level and said take as long as she likes. but I think the uncertainty is driving her bonkers.

I’m going to bed now and will report back in the next day or so. Thanks again everyone

OP posts:
MotherOfUnicorns4 · 15/09/2023 22:30

Your daughter sounds like she needs an appointment with a psychiatrist before seeing the psychologist. There could be something underlying like ASD and a psychiatrist will diagnose, give the correct medication and pathway.

Clymene · 15/09/2023 22:32

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter's MH. I don't have any suggestions but just wanted to warn you that a private good psych is probably 2-3 months wait. Just to help manage your expectations.

Are you and your husband both working full time? Can you take some time out?

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 15/09/2023 22:35

Sounds like
My dd

Anxiety at school but got through GCSEs decent grades

A levels. Changed mind twice

Got to dec and then suffered horrendous stomach pain ( anxiety)
Attendance got worse and worse.

Dropped out at Easter.

Now Diagnosed with autism

On anti Deps and doing much better. Not going back to the school. Working on the future
In another way.

I have a happier child now.