A message from an ‘ugly’ woman

[Over40Overdating]

I am, by all conventional standards, an ‘ugly’ woman.

I am not, and never have been, beautiful. Never pretty or attractive. On a good day with some good light, I could possibly pass for striking.

This awareness has crippled my self esteem for years, to the point of developing a phobia of mirrors and pictures. I have no pictures of me from 14 until recently.

Tonight, on my way home from work, 2 young women got on the trains opposite me and started discussing and laughing loudly about how deformed and ugly my face I was.

I didn’t challenge them because I am middle aged and knackered and didn’t fancy my chances with two very loud, much younger women, but I realised I don’t actually care.

For so long, someone calling me ugly or unattractive to my face would have been my worst nightmare but it happened and instead of the world ending, I’ve realised I no longer care about my face or how it’s viewed.

I don’t know if it’s age, peri menopause, life experience or being too tired to care, but for the first time in my life I feel like I am more than the sum of my facial features and very much like who I am regardless of what I look like.

I feel free. Like a giant weight I have been dragging around my whole life has suddenly dropped off. I wish I’d had this realisation decades ago! I wish I could tell younger me my wonky face doesn’t actually matter in the grand scheme of things. I have a life I am proud to have created and many things to celebrate and not a single one of them relied on me having a conventional looking face.

So fellow ‘ugly’ women, please come join me on a ‘DGAF’ thread.

Reassurance about your face ‘not being that bad really’ is banned.

Celebration of all the many other things you are than your physical appearance encouraged!

When one has no intelligent point to make, they turn to personal attacks.

Way to hold the high moral values ground!

See, I'm not gonna let you call Oneguy and me stupid. I'm tested so I don't internalise your insult, but Oneguy might. Hardworking immigrants often didn't have the time on their hands to get a fancy education and the middle class's superior air and sophisticated language can make them internalise the idea that they lack of intelligence. They don't, they are amongst the most intelligent peeps I've met in the UK. Having a challenging life brings on serious wisdom.

My dear, considering that my reasoning skills are at the 98th percentile, you have just proven to us that there is far worse than being ugly or stupid. Try being mean and vindicative like the individuals who prompted this post, running their mouth on the only substantiation of their distorted perspective.

A bon entendeur 👋

They were the full-on full hair and full make-up types. They are judging you by their standards and what do they look like without all their slap on? Seriously, don't bother about it.

An individual is a whole package. Facial features and body shapes are just parts of the deal. Age is the great leveler.As Judge Judy always says Beauty fades. Dumb is forever,😊

@Idontgiveashitanymore I think passport pics are the universal leveller - absolutely no one looks good or remotely like their real selves in them. I would not allow that to impact your self esteem if you can.

@Sumthingsweet not sure what point you are trying to make but you’ve clearly not understood the point or reason of my post.

And absolutely lol at looking for validation about being ugly via an online forum where no pics are posted, and also not to be cocky about myself.

@neelhtak I like that! Judge Judy knows what’s up.

Beauty is only skin deep which means in realty they are the ugly ones not you sweetheart and that will never change. So smile and laugh at their misfortune xx I'm not beautiful or attractive on the outside and I couldn't care less as I know I have more empathy that most of humanity tbh x

Everyone perceives beauty in different ways and you will be beautiful to somebody. Those girls actions/words say more about them than about you and it’s sounds like they are ugly beneath the surface. I’d much rather stick with the genuine/kind people than the classic beauties that care more about their looks than other people. I’ve always been told I’m pretty but could never see it/believe it and have always lacked self confidence but I do know I’m the first to help others in need and I much prefer that trait in a person. Keep smiling and hold your head up high because you are beautiful.

@Over40Overdating one thing is for sure, you are a million times more beautiful than those two nasty PoS sat opposite you. As Roald Dahl said, "Good thoughts will shine out of your face like sunbeams, and you will always look lovely" ....and I'm certain you do xx

What was the point of your post then ? You are asking for some sort of validation because what those ladies said prompted you to make a stand .

obviously your telling us you were called ugly and also think yourself unattractive , and there are no pictures we are going by what you are saying . Don’t listen to anyone’s opinions and air it to mumsnet . Just stand in your truth , all I’m saying

Over40Overdating one thing is for sure, you are a million times more beautiful than those two nasty PoS sat opposite you. As Roald Dahl said, "Good thoughts will shine out of your face like sunbeams, and you will always look lovely" ....and I'm certain you do xx

thats Nice love his stories

Same reason as you surprisedwithahorse

No, I'm not here to undermine OP by missing the point of her thread.

As she said very clearly, she hoped to inspire and support women in similar situations by sharing the point of peace that she has managed to reach. She doesn't care about validation any more and that was the whole point.

Literally every other person on the thread has understood that, even if there has been disagreement among the resulting discussion. It's not hard.

I always liked the poll finding that people voted to have Victoria Wood as their ideal next door neighbour, and not some twatty, full-of-themselves celebrity. Ultimately, most half-decent people just want to be around others who are funny, intelligent, insightful and don't take themselves too seriously. It may be a tired old truism, but you will be remembered for who you are, not what you look like. The people who don't perceive or value those qualities in others aren't worth a fucking second of your time, frankly.

I'm not totally ugly but definitely not pretty, and make zero effort to make myself look better either because idngaf.

I am confident and expressive and have never had a problem getting boyfriends, in fact the opposite.

I do absolutely hate photos though, I am hugely unphotogenic, partly due to the fact that I can't smile showing my teeth. Rarely look in the mirror but don't mind seeing myself on teams etc.

I'm sorry you had that experience op, honestly not giving a fuck is liberating. Onwards and upwards

I'm not good looking either, big nose, weak chin, crooked teeth, but have a good sense of humour and a nice smile and I'm fun. It honestly doesn't bother me - luckily my DH thinks I'm lovely. I only see myself in the mirror twice a day when I clean my teeth, and the rest of the time, I just see people reacting to me being funny and nice to them.

None of the people that I admire or love are perfect looking.

Victoria Wood had a lovely face. That wasn't why she was so successful, of course, but she was not ugly by any stretch of the imagination.

I don't think VW was unattractive either, but she did struggle with her weight , had an eating disorder and had self esteem issues which came across in her writing. Her parents were very critical of her by all accounts. The accounts of her childhood are quite sad.

Not good at this as I've never given a fuck and have in my 20's? told people not to look if they don't like what they see. Reclaim yourselves ladies. I despair when I see all the stupid beauty ads and quite honestly if you want Ru Paul's Drag Race, anyone can be 'beautiful' if they want to waste their time slapping on make to look like someone else.

Life is too short for all that malarkey :)

Ah, there’s the Dahl quote about lovely thoughts. Unfortunately for those of us who have actually been labelled ugly, it just makes us feel as though we don’t have enough lovely thoughts to make our faces lovely - so not only are we ugly but it’s our own fault we’re ugly for not being lovely enough inside.

I know that’s not how he meant it, but it bothers me the way it’s quoted as an inviolable truth without considering how it makes people who have actually been told they’re unattractive feel.

That's literally the opposite of what happened!! The OP didn't make a stand - she didn't give a shit. That's the whole point - you can actually choose not to give a shit, although it might take a bit of work, and it does us all good to be reminded of that every so often.

What made you think she was seeking validation?

Please, please, please try to remember that whenever someone has been a shit to you, it's not because of how you look. It's actually nothing to do with you at all. It's because they are a shit. That's it. You could look like Sophie Turner, they'll still be a shit. It'll just manifest a different way around you.

I am extremely in agreement on this with Surprisedwithahorse:

I remember having watched Elephant Man (David Lynch) quite a long time ago and being struck during the last scene by Joseph Merrick's beauty (played by John Hurt), the tearing pain that inhabited him made me think that had I known him, I probably would have fallen madly in love with him, feeling like he could understand like no other the searing pain of my loneliness:

Someone's emotion, if intense enough (joy, pain, contemplation, doubt etc) can be read all over the person's face: I can appreciate someone's aesthetics, however, never confuse that with beauty:
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder: What does that mean? That beauty is invisible to the eye, it is perceived by the heart: Had the beholder a heart of gold, they would see the person's soul on their face when animated by an emotion rather than their physical features:
We do not all see the same things: I do not validate any generalization that so-called "ugly" people would be more beautiful inside, or that attractive individuals wouldn't be as beautiful inside: One's life story is not defined by their appearance unless their appearance is genuinely shocking enough to most to have defined that person's life, which is Joseph Merrick's case: