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A message from an ‘ugly’ woman

532 replies

Over40Overdating · 13/09/2023 23:57

I am, by all conventional standards, an ‘ugly’ woman.

I am not, and never have been, beautiful. Never pretty or attractive. On a good day with some good light, I could possibly pass for striking.

This awareness has crippled my self esteem for years, to the point of developing a phobia of mirrors and pictures. I have no pictures of me from 14 until recently.

Tonight, on my way home from work, 2 young women got on the trains opposite me and started discussing and laughing loudly about how deformed and ugly my face I was.

I didn’t challenge them because I am middle aged and knackered and didn’t fancy my chances with two very loud, much younger women, but I realised I don’t actually care.

For so long, someone calling me ugly or unattractive to my face would have been my worst nightmare but it happened and instead of the world ending, I’ve realised I no longer care about my face or how it’s viewed.

I don’t know if it’s age, peri menopause, life experience or being too tired to care, but for the first time in my life I feel like I am more than the sum of my facial features and very much like who I am regardless of what I look like.

I feel free. Like a giant weight I have been dragging around my whole life has suddenly dropped off. I wish I’d had this realisation decades ago! I wish I could tell younger me my wonky face doesn’t actually matter in the grand scheme of things. I have a life I am proud to have created and many things to celebrate and not a single one of them relied on me having a conventional looking face.

So fellow ‘ugly’ women, please come join me on a ‘DGAF’ thread.

Reassurance about your face ‘not being that bad really’ is banned.

Celebration of all the many other things you are than your physical appearance encouraged!

OP posts:
SurprisedWithAHorse · 14/09/2023 13:42

OnAFrolicOfMyOwn · 14/09/2023 13:33

I put money on it at 08:12 😂

Show quote history

Bugger!

<<hands over a fiver and scowls>>

EarringsandLipstick · 14/09/2023 13:48

Because it make no difference if you really are ugly. No one gets past your face to your clothes.

I'm really really sorry that some posters view themselves as ugly. I appreciate OP & others are reclaiming the word, and using it as 'ugly' and that's different again.

I cannot disagree more with this.

I have never, ever seen an ugly person. I can't ever imagine thinking someone was ugly. I'm sad at the awful self-flagellation happening here with some posters.

I absolutely do believe that self-care, including clothes, hair & accessories that an individual feels good wearing / having, can make someone feel & look attractive

Yes, it's cliched & can be irritating, but it's true for all that, that our beauty inside, including our own self-esteem is what ensures we present that way externally.

I know a lot on this thread disagree; how do you account for me in my 40s never having seen an ugly person?

Elly46 · 14/09/2023 13:49

I wasn’t expecting to read that, if they really were talking about you then they’re vile.
I at age 47, get what you mean and it is rather liberating and refreshing to feel that way.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Menopause Women's health
EarringsandLipstick · 14/09/2023 13:50

Well, that's not my problem. I can't make it any simpler. I wasn't the only one to notice, though, so I don't think it was that complicated
That's fine. Neither was my point. Happy for you to have a different viewpoint, no idea why you feel the need to be so snippy.

Rufusroo · 14/09/2023 13:50

I too shy away from mirrors, photos, reflections in shop windows and consider myself deeply unattractive. My mother was too but everybody, myself included, loved her dearly - she was such a lovely, lovely person! Looking back at old photos of me as a teen - I see that I was, briefly, fairly attractive although I had severe acne that nothing would shift. I think that is what started my self-hatred of my looks. However, I’ve had a good life. Been married for 43 years, two children and two grandchildren. Now in my late 60s I feel fat, tired and frumpy but I feel loved and valued by my family and my two genuinely beautiful granddaughters are always happy to see me.
I think us ‘fugly’ people become nicer, better people because we have to try harder!

EmpressSoleil · 14/09/2023 13:50

It's not about 'ugliness'; it's all about 'self-esteem

This is what gets to me more than anything. You can have tons of self esteem but that doesn't stop people making nasty comments. It doesn't change what you see when you look in the mirror. It has nothing to do with self esteem. It's patronising to say we would all be absolutely fine if just our self esteem was high enough.

And all this faux "oh I have never seen an ugly person". Come on. We all have.

I didn't start out thinking I was ugly. I was perfectly fine and happy. But comments and criticisms etc kept on coming from all angles. So then yes, I felt ugly! Who wouldn't? I'm in my 50's now and look back on pics in my 20's/30's and I still think there was nothing really wrong with me! Yes, I'm no raving beauty, I was maybe a bit below average. But I wasn't as ugly as I was made to feel. That's on other people. It has zero to do with how I feel about myself.

I don't bother now. I've put on weight, let my hair go to grey. I'm not someone who enjoys all these beauty treatments and such like anyway. So why the hell should I make all the effort for a society that still criticised me when I did try? That just used to make me feel worse. I'm happier now than I've ever been. No, I'm not going to get any compliments, but I never did. Now I just do things that please me.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 14/09/2023 13:50

I know a lot on this thread disagree; how do you account for me in my 40s never having seen an ugly person?

I think you know exactly the kind of looks being referred to and are pretending that you don't.

EarringsandLipstick · 14/09/2023 13:52

Now in my late 60s I feel fat, tired and frumpy

I'm anticipating being shot down for this but I genuinely mean it straightforwardly & not with any agenda - why wouldn't you want to do something about those things? For you - not anyone else.

(Maybe the answer is you have tried but can't, don't feel you need to answer me if my question is annoying or not something you want to reply to(

Lightbluegreen · 14/09/2023 13:54

Maddy70 · 14/09/2023 01:42

Can all these "ugly " people just stop , Some of the most attractive people I have ever met I have never even noticed their physical appearance. They have been so charismatic ,,funny, warm, honest, just general people I want to be around these people are keepers. ( probably one of them. But comfortable with my shortcomings. )

No. More "everyone is beautiful in their own way" CRAP. How about you stop, and actually respect OPs request?

EarringsandLipstick · 14/09/2023 13:55

You can have tons of self esteem but that doesn't stop people making nasty comments.

It often does though. Not always of course. But our self-esteem is often exactly what prevents others being mean to us, about anything. Not about looks but I used to wonder why I was treated badly a lot. It was a 'them' issue but also 'my' issue of low self-esteem & somehow projecting I 'deserved' mistreatment.

And all this faux "oh I have never seen an ugly person". Come on. We all have
No. It's not faux. I have not ever seen or thought of someone as ugly. Why does that surprise you?

I'm really sorry you had such a tough time & people made you feel like that. 💐

frumpalertt · 14/09/2023 13:57

WTAF! I cannot believe they did that to you, I am absolutely enraged on your behalf. I know you are brilliantly insouciant about this but I am wishing a plague of a thousand zits on both of them.

I used to be very pretty when younger, but years of being unwell have taken their toll! I think when I am off some of my medication some of my old appearance may return, but I will always be more battered and weatherbeaten. I don't care, I'm just mentioning it because physical attractiveness is not fixed and noone can be complacent.

MonkeyChiselTree · 14/09/2023 13:58

I think this a really inspiring message thank you for sharing. I've always tried to think of ugliness is a 'them' problem rather than a 'me' problem because, unless I seek out a mirror, I can spend an entire day without looking in the mirror. Whereas everyone that's not me sees my face all the time. So they're welcome to have a problem with it but as long as it works, I'm trying to not be fussed what people think of it.

Squirrelsnut · 14/09/2023 13:58

I hope those two women remember what they did when they are older and cringe with shame. Idiots!

EarringsandLipstick · 14/09/2023 13:58

SurprisedWithAHorse · 14/09/2023 13:50

I know a lot on this thread disagree; how do you account for me in my 40s never having seen an ugly person?

I think you know exactly the kind of looks being referred to and are pretending that you don't.

Look I don't think you believe me (that's ok!) but I promise I'm being sincere.

Perhaps it's because I was bullied, had an abusive marriage & have been treated hugely hurtfully - not about my looks.

Maybe I simply do not look at people based on their appearance & judge. I simply cannot even imagine considering anyone 'ugly'. Even where I might fleetingly consider someone's appearance, nearly immediately I think beyond that. Not consciously, I just ...do!

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 14/09/2023 13:59

Over40Overdating · 13/09/2023 23:57

I am, by all conventional standards, an ‘ugly’ woman.

I am not, and never have been, beautiful. Never pretty or attractive. On a good day with some good light, I could possibly pass for striking.

This awareness has crippled my self esteem for years, to the point of developing a phobia of mirrors and pictures. I have no pictures of me from 14 until recently.

Tonight, on my way home from work, 2 young women got on the trains opposite me and started discussing and laughing loudly about how deformed and ugly my face I was.

I didn’t challenge them because I am middle aged and knackered and didn’t fancy my chances with two very loud, much younger women, but I realised I don’t actually care.

For so long, someone calling me ugly or unattractive to my face would have been my worst nightmare but it happened and instead of the world ending, I’ve realised I no longer care about my face or how it’s viewed.

I don’t know if it’s age, peri menopause, life experience or being too tired to care, but for the first time in my life I feel like I am more than the sum of my facial features and very much like who I am regardless of what I look like.

I feel free. Like a giant weight I have been dragging around my whole life has suddenly dropped off. I wish I’d had this realisation decades ago! I wish I could tell younger me my wonky face doesn’t actually matter in the grand scheme of things. I have a life I am proud to have created and many things to celebrate and not a single one of them relied on me having a conventional looking face.

So fellow ‘ugly’ women, please come join me on a ‘DGAF’ thread.

Reassurance about your face ‘not being that bad really’ is banned.

Celebration of all the many other things you are than your physical appearance encouraged!

It is such a joy when you just stop giving a shit how you look. I do NOT care any more. I sometimes feel a little guilty for my partner's sake, but for myself - just couldn't GAF. So freeing.

Unortunately coincides with a general decline in my health and wellbeing - as I advance towards 40 I get achier, more prone to strange pains and tiredness and things that genuinely impact on my ability to live my life - and that I give a great big fuck about :(

Caerulea · 14/09/2023 14:05

I have body dysmorphia so my angle is slightly different (I technically understand I'm not grotesque but it's what I see in the mirror).

However! I hit my 40's & suddenly couldn't give a fuck about my dysmorphia. It's still there, I still have a very warped image of myself but I just couldn't GAF anymore. Gained weight from being perpetually slender - couldn't GAF. Make-up? Couldn't GAF.

I do think it's an age thing, I think it's behind all us middle-aged women suddenly being very loud about our rights. The realisation you gave up so much trying to be acceptable to (invariably) men.

And now it's fuck all that & those cunty little girls on the train will hit that themselves at some point & it's going to hit them haaaaard.

Be you, be fabulously & I'm so pleased to see a fellow adult woman finding peace in her skin. No matter what it looks like.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 14/09/2023 14:06

EarringsandLipstick · 14/09/2023 13:58

Look I don't think you believe me (that's ok!) but I promise I'm being sincere.

Perhaps it's because I was bullied, had an abusive marriage & have been treated hugely hurtfully - not about my looks.

Maybe I simply do not look at people based on their appearance & judge. I simply cannot even imagine considering anyone 'ugly'. Even where I might fleetingly consider someone's appearance, nearly immediately I think beyond that. Not consciously, I just ...do!

Show quote history

Ok, you've never, ever, not once, seen a person and found them aesthetically displeasing. Never ever ever not once in 40+ years. OK.

But do you expect us to believe that you've never ever ever not once seen a person who you realised fell very far away from what's usually considered attractive, and could grasp that most people would notice that?

I used to have your approach, nobody's ugly etc etc, but I've come to realise that it's not really true or helpful. It's certainly true that people are worth far more than how they look. But it isn't helpful to pretend that the opposite of beautiful actually objectively does not exist. It actually creates stigma around it, like when you tell someone they're not fat when what you mean is that they're not ugly or worthless.

We aren't talking about what you personally find pleasing or not, so the fact that you've never ever not once seen someone you consider to be ugly is kind of beside the point. I really don't believe that you truly have no concept of what we're talking about.

Itslosenotloose · 14/09/2023 14:08

Those two are ugly on the inside love. It’s as simple as that.

Lightbluegreen · 14/09/2023 14:09

Bored1000 · 14/09/2023 11:27

I think Helena Rubinstein once said that there are ugly woman, only lazy women.

I personally think this is true.

Most women I see that might be considered ugly just make no effort with their appearance, and just let themselves go.I myself would be considered average but putting a bit of effort in makes a huge difference to the may I look and feel about myself and also the way others treat me,
If you look like you respect and value yourself others ( for the most part) will treat you the same.

I don’t mean this to be offensive, more words of encouragement

Gosh, how could being accused of being lazy possibly be offensive?

Bloody hell. I may be ugly but at least I have some self awareness.

Lightbluegreen · 14/09/2023 14:11

@EarringsandLipstick

Yes, dear, you are just a better person all round. Oh, and better presented because you just make more of an effort.

🙄

Honestly, have you no idea how patronising your posts sound?

readbooksdrinktea · 14/09/2023 14:12

Over40Overdating · 14/09/2023 02:02

@Phillipson if you can’t imagine total strangers making derogatory comments about your appearance then I’m glad for you, but I can assure if you are not conventionally attractive or thin or able bodied or otherwise different from the crowd, strangers are very comfortable making comments and thinking they are perfectly right to do so.

And they don't whisper about it either. Thank you for this thread, OP. I'm sorry that happened to you on the train, I really am.

coxesorangepippin · 14/09/2023 14:17

Got to say there are some cracking comments on here, very witty

coxesorangepippin · 14/09/2023 14:18

Maybe I simply do not look at people based on their appearance & judge. I simply cannot even imagine considering anyone 'ugly

^^

Disingenuous and devalues what people say

callmeblondee · 14/09/2023 14:18

Im fat with huge bags under my eyes that just won't shift. I also have facial hair that I have to now shave off but at the end of the day you can see (or I can feel) the prickly regrowth. I used to diet like crazy swing up and down 5 stone on a regular, I would get laser on my facial hair (didnt work) and buy all sorts of creams for the eye bags, but now I DGAF, not one. I also feel happier! I am now single and recently have resigned myself to being alone forever and there is a lovely calmness about that. I like my life, I have a full and interesting life. I wake up content with who I am - that is perfect in my eyes!

ilovesushi · 14/09/2023 14:22

I bet you are not ugly at all. The way our faces are arranged or our bodies are shaped is not what makes us beautiful or ugly. My dad had life saving surgeries which completely changed his face and also required an amputation. After a while we didn't even see it the difference. We just saw the beautiful person that we loved. Conventional symmetrical features are overrated. Glad you are finding peace. Sorry you had to meet with such rudeness.