A message from an ‘ugly’ woman

[Over40Overdating]

I am, by all conventional standards, an ‘ugly’ woman.

I am not, and never have been, beautiful. Never pretty or attractive. On a good day with some good light, I could possibly pass for striking.

This awareness has crippled my self esteem for years, to the point of developing a phobia of mirrors and pictures. I have no pictures of me from 14 until recently.

Tonight, on my way home from work, 2 young women got on the trains opposite me and started discussing and laughing loudly about how deformed and ugly my face I was.

I didn’t challenge them because I am middle aged and knackered and didn’t fancy my chances with two very loud, much younger women, but I realised I don’t actually care.

For so long, someone calling me ugly or unattractive to my face would have been my worst nightmare but it happened and instead of the world ending, I’ve realised I no longer care about my face or how it’s viewed.

I don’t know if it’s age, peri menopause, life experience or being too tired to care, but for the first time in my life I feel like I am more than the sum of my facial features and very much like who I am regardless of what I look like.

I feel free. Like a giant weight I have been dragging around my whole life has suddenly dropped off. I wish I’d had this realisation decades ago! I wish I could tell younger me my wonky face doesn’t actually matter in the grand scheme of things. I have a life I am proud to have created and many things to celebrate and not a single one of them relied on me having a conventional looking face.

So fellow ‘ugly’ women, please come join me on a ‘DGAF’ thread.

Reassurance about your face ‘not being that bad really’ is banned.

Celebration of all the many other things you are than your physical appearance encouraged!

Yes I agree. No way would my teen daughters treat another human being like that. Those girls were clearly brought (dragged) up to have absolutely no respect for other people.

Solidarity to others here!

I’m ugly, it’s awful. Im not at the point to embrace it yet. Been called all sorts in public - Quasimodo, men wishing they could swap my head, people wincing when they see me. I look like I’ve had a stroke (I sometimes wonder if I have). I do have a lovely figure though - though it’s harder to hang on to the older I get. I would often get stopped in the street, and then people would see my face and back off. I genuinely don’t know how I’ve hung on to my husband, and I worry I’d scare any baby I may have.

I do actually try and help myself, big fringe, wear big sunglasses as much as possible, hats etc. it’s so wearing though.

Older Mumsnetters might remember Marge Proops saying something very similar when Elizabeth Taylor was being criticised for the crimes of getting older and gaining weight.

@OldPear
If you have a lovely figure you are very lucky as that contributes massively to an attractive appearance, your husband also considers you attractive so I think you are probably under estimating yourself, don’t cover yourself up with hats and large sunglasses, walk with confidence and make the most of that beautiful figure.
I think most faces can be made to look attractive with a bit of make up and a lovely smile

I'm neither beautiful nor ugly, but my smile is awful. Cracks my face completely.

Good on you for no longer caring, I wish I too had the strength to not care what others think especially about my weight, but you give me hope that one day I can be the same

Maybe you should get a body cam so you could expose awful people like this for what they are. I am just entering the DGAF phase of my life over different issues but, like you, I find it quite liberating. Thanks very much for posting this and have a lovely life.

Women cannot win either way - unattractive they get horrible comments, attractive they get a different kind of judgemental comments and unwanted attention.

When I was a young woman I was fairly attractive (but mostly just slim so seen as attractive). I still got comments (usually from men) such as 'you're not as pretty as you think you are' (for literally just existing, having said absolutely nothing on the topic), 'you would be more attractive if you just did xyz' and even 'you look like a prostitute' (for wearing an almost identical outfit to my friends because that's what many teenagers going clubbing do).

I honestly think some people just love to bring women down a peg or two.

As for the 'at least you can get plastic surgery' comments 😮😥

Oh and recently a male acquaintance of my mum's recently randomly called her ugly and a slag, completely unprompted. She's an attractive woman (although overweight and middle aged) and in a committed monogamous relationship (not that I think anyone should be called a slag...)

@Over40Overdating
As someone has already said, those women sound like they were a couple of dragged up chavs with a lot of issues, no happy well brought up women would make comments like that, they are probably very unhappy with their lives and want to spread their bitterness to try and ensure everyone else is as unhappy as them.
You probably don’t fit their idea of beauty ( plastered in make up/ hair extensions / fake nails / fake tan etc etc) that Dosen’t mean you are not good looking.
Unfortunately they seem to have achieved in what they set out to do which was to make you feel low about yourself.
Instead of letting it get to you I would have personally turned it around in my head and would have felt sorry for them as only desperately unhappy people would have behaved and said the things they did.
Dont give be up. Take pride in your appearance and walk tall

Kathy Burke is a great read on this issue, especially her lambasting Helena Bonham Carter for whining about the problems of being ‘too pretty’ I’ve never loved a celebrity more.

They are total see you next Tuesdays. But what an amazing revelation. I am completely with you, I’ve reached a point too where someone telling me I am unattractive would mean absolutely nothing to me - in fact I would only be amused that they would think I might care about their opinion! It is a wonderful thing, when such judgments have no consequence for your self worth. Congratulations!!!!

@Over40Overdating the saddest thing about your post is that the 2 'ladies' were mouthing off about you and you speak with remarkable wisdom about the whole thing.
Indeed if they had been confident ( and decent) in themselves they would have behaved differently.
It took me a long time to be kinder to myself over my looks until I decided one day that I have no control over the gene pool! We have to play the cards we are given in life and all I can do is try to eat well, sleep, use face cream etc etc.
What I DO have control over is much more powerful and important, which is my brain and how I use it and behave to others.
Mother Nature is slightly late in bestowing the gift of wisdom on me by about 35 years but better late than never!!
Thank you for such an inspiring post.

BINGO and I claim the jackpot.

Omg what is wrong with them?! What a pair of ugly human beings. I honestly can't bear the thought of being near anyone that vile, they clearly have very low self esteem themselves that they felt the need to do that. Sounds like you're smashing life and I'm glad you don't care about them because what a waste of energy that would be.

I beat you to it, sorry.

I put money on it at 08:12 😂

🙄

Not quite sure who you are directing all that at?

I will say again, truthfully, I have never ever seen a person of either sex who I have considered or actively thought was 'ugly'.

Of course there are many people I wouldn't find attractive or perhaps elements of their appearance wouldn't appeal.

However for most people I don't even consider them on either basis, given they have no need to be attractive to me.

It's 💯 true that some of us do not consider anyone ugly.

Your bingo card is missing: 'I have a friend who is conventionally unattractive but she always looks really smart. Everyone can make the best of themselves by dressing well, having a good hair cut and wearing make-up'.

And if that were said, what's the issue with that?

She did not in any way imply that someone who did this was trying to look good for their age. She was talking solely about how she felt.

No idea what your point is.

I know she was talking about herself 🙄 I was commenting on that approach to herself, which she portrayed as either / or.

Because it make no difference if you really are ugly. No one gets past your face to your clothes.

A few pp have mentioned comments from their own mothers and it reminded me of something in my youth.

Im 60 now, but when I was about 23 and still living at home, I tried to make my best of my appearance. I'd wash and style my hair nicely, and put on a little make up. I always dressed in smart skirt suits for work (as we did in the day !)

One day a neighbour stopped to chat to my mum and said "I saw TicTac going off to work this morning and she looked so pretty". My mum stopped her there and said "no, not pretty". She grudgingly accepted I may have looked attractive (I don't think I did). I need never have known about this conversation, but my mum made sure to relay it to me, and what she'd replied. It hurt so much more to know your own mother didn't think of you as attractive.

As a side note, my DBro started going bald at 19, but he had such a great attitude about it. If any lads his age took the piss out of him, he'd say "Mate, I can cover this up with a wig. What are you going to do about your personality?" I always admired his quick wit.

Oh stop being an arse! What gives you the right to make stupid judgments about me? Really nasty.

My point was that makeup is not a mask for many, and they are entitled to this view.

No idea what your point is.

Well, that's not my problem. I can't make it any simpler. I wasn't the only one to notice, though, so I don't think it was that complicated.