If someone told you they had bipolar

[LemonDifficultLemon]

If an acquaintance, for example a parent at school, told you they had bipolar, how would it affect how you view them? Would you be happy for your children to go to their house as normal? Would you feel less comfortable around them? Looking for honest answers (even if blunt), rather than trying to spare feelings!

Interesting thread.

I have bipolar disorder. When I was first diagnosed I found it really difficult to get my head around and did tell a few people, but these days I don’t tell anyone. Not because I’m ashamed, but because it isn’t any of their business and unfortunately some people do judge. It’s fine to have boundaries and keep things private. The condition is hard enough to manage as it is without other people’s judgement, so give yourself a free pass on a few white lies when necessary.

I’m currently self-employed but I’ll be moving to employment next year, at which point I need to make a decision about what I disclose. I’m hopeful they’ll be supportive.

I'd probably feel less comfortable around them and less likely to want to get to know them better, because it likely lead to situations where they would be supervising my dc ( play dates etc). Or having them depend on me as a friend, because I wouldn't want the burden. It would be fine for general school run chats etc. I've known a few people with bipolar diagnosis and I wouldn't have wanted my dc to be around them at their worst. I have unipolar depression and history of self harm, suicide.

One of my closest friends told me that they are bipolar a few months ago. I was incredibly touched that they’d opened up to me. I don’t think I treat them any differently now, except that I now appreciate that the highs and lows are more than mood swings. I feel now I can ask ‘are you in a depressive phase’ or even say ‘I think you need to go to the GP urgently’ now, whereas before I’d probably avoid saying anything for fear of saying the wrong thing.

my children are older, so it’s hard to give an answer as to what I’d do in your shoes. When my friend is down they can’t be around people, so the situation wouldn’t really arise.

Thanks @Weatherwax13 that does help

@GoodOldEmmaNess Yes that’s exactly it - thank you for putting into words, helps me to sort my feelings in my head!

@Twoshoesnewshoes I'm so sorry that happened to you. I wonder if there’s a wariness from mentioning it because it might make others uncomfortable but then than feeds into feelings of shame, which is not helpful!

@mathanxiety yes I’ve been talking to my therapist about it, which led me to post this. Hopeful that I come to some sort of decision about that I feel positive about.

@lookingforMolly agree that there’a definitely more stigma around schizophrenia & schizoaffective disorders sadly. You say the reason you don’t tell people is because of the stigma and I think that’s what I’m struggling with - I want to contribute towards reducing stigma by normalising my diagnosis and also by not mentioning it I feel like I’m a part of the stigma, like it’s something to hide.

Personally I would stay friends with you but it would change how I socialise with you, for example I'd probably not want my kids being supervised alone by you. Medicated bipolar is fine, but unmedicated and out of control bipolar is not, and there's no real way to know when someone is just starting a severe episode unless you know them really well. So for a casual school run mum friend it would mean meeting up at the park where we both supervise the kids rather than my kids coming to yours for tea.

I've been burned before by trusting someone with bipolar who told me they were stable and medicated. Long story short, they were lying and not taking their meds so they did some very destructive and dangerous things that I wouldn't want my children to ever be exposed to. It was a very harrowing experience and whilst I know it's not their fault, I'm very relieved my children weren't there.

@IDriveMySupernova I think it would help me to see things from the perspective you describe - not telling people because it’s my business rather than because I’m ashamed (I’m not actually ashamed, just feel like that when it comes to ‘hiding’ it). Basically shifting from thinking if I don’t mention it it means I feel there’s something to hide to not mentioning it because it doesn’t need to be!

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest
I'm bipolar too!

My closest family confidant has bipolar. It makes absolute no difference to how i feel,about her or 'see' her whatsoever.

Why on earth would it.

I have worked in mental health earlier in my career so have seen all ends of the scale.

I very firmly believe in de-stigmatising mental health and would treat it similar to a physical condition. If you had an appointment with a cardiologist, would you specify or say hospital appointment? I would say latter to majority so would say same about this to majority.

With other parents, it would depend on the relationship but if it were someone you had got to know over time whilst children were friends, I imagine it would come out at some point. You are hiding nothing when you are well and only need to disclose if you were caring for a child when unwell (same applies with other physical conditions too). As a mother, I would be in awe of someone who disclosed it to me - that they are managing a complex condition whilst working and bringing up their children. I know too well it’s not easy

In your specific example yes it would make me think twice about leaving my child alone in their care until I had least got to know them very very well. I would be pleased they could trust me with that personal information and I would try to help and support if I could

Sorry if that's you!

I don't think I'd tell any aquaintences about support groups or therapy due to feeling vulnerable and not knowing how they'd use that info eg to gossip. That's me personally -not saying you shouldn't tell them.

I guess I see it like this: If I were having terrible marital problems, like if I found out my husband was having an affair or something, I wouldn’t tell people unless I was extremely close to them. If people commented that I wasn’t myself I’d say I wasn’t well and leave it at that, because my personal life is none of their business. If I was going to marriage counselling or to see a divorce lawyer and someone asked what I was up to, I’d just say I had a dental appointment or I was going to meet a friend. I don’t see bipolar (or any other health condition) as any different. Health issues are deeply personal and, unless I’m having a major, uncontrolled episode then it doesn’t concern anyone else.

It’s not our job to de-stigmatise mental illness. We’re not responsible for other people’s thoughts and feelings on the subject and it’s not down to us to change them. Their ignorance is on them; there’s a wealth of education out there on the subject. We just happen to have this condition, and our only responsibility is to try to keep ourselves well as best we can.

It wouldn't generally matter to me, one of my best friends has bi polar and she's the loveliest person ever. So I wouldn't feel less comfortable around someone who has this, obviously. I might in the back of my mind observe how you are / coping esp if the kids were coming over, but it's not a major issue, for the most part, I wouldn't have a problem with my children visiting.

I’d wonder why you were telling me if we were friendly acquaintances and then think nothing more of it unless you started to seem unwell at some point in the future in which case I might ask if you were okay.

I don’t have bipolar disorder but do have severe depression and have had a long admission under section and a lot of ECT, both of which carry a fair bit of stigma. I have to be honest, I didn’t even tell the school mums I was off work - I just dodged questions. I don’t know them well enough, I don’t trust them enough and I don’t want to talk about something which feels hugely personal and involves many very difficult experiences with them. In terms of stigma, it would be easier if those things weren’t stigmatised but I might well still keep it to myself because I value my privacy very highly.

@threecupsofteaminimum It’s good to hear you don’t feel any different about your friend. But when you say ‘why on earth would it’, my answer would be that in my experience it has mattered to people in my life. I’ve had friends distance themselves or cut contact altogether, family who were really embarrassed by it and never mention it, managers who’ve handled it really insensitively and changed how they interact with me at work. I don’t agree with any of that but based on these examples there must be multiple reasons why it would bother people! My condition is well managed and they’ve never seen me have an episode so they’re not basing it on my behaviour, just the label.

On a positive note, lots of people haven’t reacted like that and have been amazing because it’s not phased them - which I’m sure your friend appreciates a lot with you

Can anyone describe what it's like having bipolar, I know it's about having highs and lows but what it is like to experience it - to live with it day in day out. I know most sufferers are really nice people who would never hurt anyone and are usually sensitive in nature so they reflect that outwardly, but how do they cope, it sounds like punishment on top of punishment - such a shame when people suffer for no apparent reason.

I understand what you are saying and I share your concerns about the ongoing stigma surrounding significant mental illness. I personally think it is a very good thing to be open about our conditions and how we can be affected. It is only by letting the public see how it is for us/hear how it is for us that stigma can be broken down. It would be a brave thing to do and it just might help someone else to get a realistic handle on your illness.

Why do you include the bit about 'nice people who would never hurt anyone"? That strikes me as very odd.

My elderly Dad is bipolar and I wouldn’t mind a friend telling me that they have the same diagnosis as long as they didn’t lean on me the way he does! It’s v. hard coping with a parent who says they’re suicidal somedays and I just couldn’t cope with another person doing that.

You don’t sound as if you would do that, OP, in fact being open with a friend might encourage them to share any struggles they might have as well. I’m diagnosed with (had counseling and am medicated for) GAD. My close friends know this and are supportive.

My cousin has bipolar. He's a lovely person, but occasionally he stops taking his medication (as, under the influence of the condition, he starts believing he doesn't need it) and spirals downwards and ends up in a secure psychiatric unit. So that would make me feel wary of you looking after my kids alone. I'm sorry if that's awful and judgmental of me, but it is based on my personal experience of the condition. I think my cousin is quite a severe case though.

I would not think any less of the person, however I wouldn’t allow my children to be at the home of someone with a serious mental health condition without me there.

Hi, I have bipolar 2. So I have more lows than highs. For me, I always feel quite sad, tearful, worried, anxious and irritable. I am on meds but I don't feel they boost me much and my psych team always err on the side of caution and would rather you be low than high (although I haven't ever been truly full blown manic, just short spells of hypo mania), so my better times which are far and few between I feel energised, a bit impulsive (I will just spend money I don't have on rubbish I really don't need but at the time feels good), over talkative, paranoid, need less sleep and become slightly over interested/obsessed in my hobbies (baking, I'm trained in gel nails so I'd splurge on new kits then have very little interest when my mood changes).
My "mood swings" are quite predictable so I can almost feel them coming on like a storm cloud over my head they can brew for a few days/weeks and then just hit, and my family know my patterns now and can tell when I'm on a slope with worsening depression or when my moods elevated, I either become super unmotivated, sleepy, snappy, not wanting to talk much, appetite changes, or the opposite with elated moods. I spend most of the time beating myself up in my head as it's horrible to have little control over your emotions and not knowing when they can change drastically, it can be quite overwhelming and exhausting.

The medications are harsh though. Antipsychotic meds come with a lot of side effects, chopping and changing meds often I've probably been on every antidepressant that exists, trying to find the right combination for you is long winded and comes with a lot of risks and monitoring but I'm grateful for medicine.

Other than that, I am very well known in my area as a kind, caring, helpful and loving person. I have never ever committed crimes, done anything 'wrong' infact I am very timid and go above and beyond for anyone. I am a mum of 2 lovely little girls who are the absolute centre of my world, some days are a struggle for me I must admit but I actually am very much "normal" I just feel emotions very intensely and feel down/depressed a lot. I'm good at masking how I feel a lot of the time as I don't tell everyone I have bipolar due to the stigma that comes with it (although people I have got close to are in disbelief that I have it until I explain, "oh I'd never of thought you had bipolar!") - not many people truly understand the illness, lots are unaware there's 2 types and just assume you're a total nutcase which couldn't be any further from the truth. Obviously some cases of severe bipolar are harder to control/manage and symptoms are probably more obvious but the stigma needs to go. It's nice to see people interested/wanting to know more about it :)