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Original poster

Toxic sibling has a SEN child

53 replies

KnightonHill · 03/09/2023 21:52

Hi, Im looking for advice pls. I dont like my sister, she is a narcissist and has a very bad temper. When I was growing up, it was all about her. My mum just panders to her. I moved away when I could. Mum and sister live in the same city.

Now my sister has a child with Autism. I love my niece. I want to support her, take her out. I found an amazing sensory place for children with Autism but my sister declined. I offered to take her swimming once a week, she declined that too. I thought it might give my sister a break. I am a Special Needs teacher. I have asked her how can I help, but I dont get a response.

How can I be a supportive caring aunt to my niece if I dont like her Mum?

People have warned me that my sister will get worse as her child gets older and the pressure increases on her. I know its incredibly difficult for her, thats why I want to help in any way I can.

OP posts:
TinyBuddhettes · 03/09/2023 22:03

Is it possible that your sister is also ND?

Original poster
KnightonHill · 03/09/2023 22:08

No. She is just a "difficult" personality. She quarrels with work colleagues, her in laws, my family. She is very prickly and blunt.

OP posts:
DavinaTheDreadful · 03/09/2023 22:08

As difficult as it is, you can't be the hands on auntie you would like to be if your sister doesn't want you to be.

Have you thought of inviting them both to one of the activities you've found for dniece? Would she be more likely to say yes to that?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families SEN
ApoodlecalledPenny · 03/09/2023 22:08

I’m not sure how to say this without offending, but you sound very intense about your niece - but it sounds like you don’t know her very well - and that you don’t have a lot of contact with your sister. Are you maybe projecting your own feelings on your niece - that you’d like to protect her from your sister like you felt you needing protecting from your sister as a child? This probably isn’t a very healthy dynamic.

it sounds like you have lovely, kind intentions, but if your sister wants to keep you at arms length from her daughter, then you can’t do much about it.

OneFrenchEgg · 03/09/2023 22:11

I imagine your sister is well aware of your cod psychology approach to her and wants to keep you away from her daughter? Interesting mum and sister are still in the same place despite your assessment of your mum's relationship with her. Nothing you can do - I wouldn't let you take my kid out if you had that opinion of me.

Cosycardigans · 03/09/2023 22:13

ApoodlecalledPenny · 03/09/2023 22:08

I’m not sure how to say this without offending, but you sound very intense about your niece - but it sounds like you don’t know her very well - and that you don’t have a lot of contact with your sister. Are you maybe projecting your own feelings on your niece - that you’d like to protect her from your sister like you felt you needing protecting from your sister as a child? This probably isn’t a very healthy dynamic.

it sounds like you have lovely, kind intentions, but if your sister wants to keep you at arms length from her daughter, then you can’t do much about it.

Intense? It's your niece, of course you want to take her out.

It's a difficult one, you can't force your sister to stop being a difficult person, but for now you could write letters and cards to your niece to let her know she's cared about? Otherwise you'll have to suck up your sister's personality and spend time with them together. Does your mum get to see your niece much? Maybe you could see her then?

Original poster
KnightonHill · 03/09/2023 22:17

My sister has no idea of how I feel. Everyone around us, cousins, my parents neighbours think we are the perfect family. I keep my feelings to myself. Even my own children dont knos how I feel about their aunty. My dislike for her has grown over the years. She was very cruel when we were young BUT I dont want to punish my niece because of this.

She is very close to my mum and I felt left out as a child. Even now my mum will speak to her for hours on the phone and with me, Im lucky if I get 2 mins. I feel my mum thinks my sister needs her more and she cant give both of us her time.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 03/09/2023 22:18

It sounds like your sister is well aware you don’t like her.

my sister thought she hid her contempt for me very well, but I knew.

Original poster
KnightonHill · 03/09/2023 22:23

@DavinaTheDreadful yes. I have invited her. I feel that even though I dont like her, I should still be supportive because its hard work with my niece.

@ApoodlecalledPenny I agree

@Cosycardigans I think you have hit the nail on the head. I need to ignore what I feel about my sister and try to build a relationship with my niece. Its going to be hard. I feel anxious just speaking to my sister on the phone because her temper is so erratic.

OP posts:
Original poster
KnightonHill · 03/09/2023 22:25

@YetMoreNewBeginnings She wanted to go on holiday with me....so I dont think she does know. I am her only sibling so she leans on me a lot for her own issues.

I try to ask how is dn, but then she will bring the conversation back to herself...

OP posts:
Namechangeforadvicepleaseandthankyou · 03/09/2023 22:31

I suspect your sister is ND

OneFrenchEgg · 03/09/2023 22:33

Namechangeforadvicepleaseandthankyou · 03/09/2023 22:31

I suspect your sister is ND

Based on what? Being described as a narcissist and bad tempered? What a horrible way to think about neurodiversity.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2023 22:38

How can I be a supportive caring aunt to my niece if I dont like her Mum?

That's really not the question here. If your sister doesn't want you involved in her daughter's life, then that's it, you're not involved. Right or wrong, your sister decides who has a place in her child's life, and to what capacity. Whether your sister is also ND is irrelevant.

Original poster
KnightonHill · 03/09/2023 22:49

@Aquamarine1029 thats true.

However, my sister often tells me how hard it is, ( and she is 100% right) but when I offer to help with DN, she doesnt engage...

Thank you everyone. Your answers have given me a lot to think about.

OP posts:
Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 03/09/2023 23:17

I don’t need my family to take DC out, they have additional needs and so do I. I occasionally need a kind ear to listen about how sodding hard it can be but I would find it weird if my DSis was to offer to take DC to “help”. I’m perfectly capable of being a parent to my DC without outside input.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 03/09/2023 23:20

KnightonHill · 03/09/2023 22:25

@YetMoreNewBeginnings She wanted to go on holiday with me....so I dont think she does know. I am her only sibling so she leans on me a lot for her own issues.

I try to ask how is dn, but then she will bring the conversation back to herself...

She definitely doesn’t want you to have one-on-one time with your DN.

That might be because she doesn’t trust you. It might be because she doesn’t think you’d manage, or that your DN wouldn’t.

However, it may also be because she knows you don’t. I had a good relationship superficially with my sister, but I never let her take my kids out because I knew what she really felt and I didn’t trust her.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 03/09/2023 23:22

There is one well-meaning and kind relative of ours who offered often to have my DD4 to give us a break.

We had to very gently, but quite firmly say no because the activities she suggested were either not appropriate (either not in DD’s capability or things that would be a parents place) or would massively overstimulate DD and make it even harder when she returned therefore totally negating the break.

Could also be something along those lines

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/09/2023 23:37

Can I just ask a question about special-needs teaching? I know it's not to do with your thread. Do you have to do a specific PGCE or just one in primary or secondary and then specialise later? Thanks.

SpiderWillyDoesWhateverASpiderWillyDoes · 04/09/2023 00:27

KnightonHill · 03/09/2023 22:08

No. She is just a "difficult" personality. She quarrels with work colleagues, her in laws, my family. She is very prickly and blunt.

Doesn't sound like narcissistic personality disorder at all, but I get that she sounds toxic and difficult.

Did she say why she declined those things for her daughter? Maybe she is doing it to be spiteful to you because she is toxic or may be there is a benign reason for it such as her daughter already has sufficient support in place.

What do you mean by the pressure on your niece increasing as she grows older

DavinaTheDreadful · 04/09/2023 07:15

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/09/2023 23:37

Can I just ask a question about special-needs teaching? I know it's not to do with your thread. Do you have to do a specific PGCE or just one in primary or secondary and then specialise later? Thanks.

I think there are a few routes in.

I used to be an LSA working in the SEN unit of a mainstream school. You can start doing that without any qualifications (but an NVQ type qualification or working towards would help). You can then go on to do a PGCE specialising in SEN. You could also start as a TA in a school specifically for children with SEN.

Or you can get a PGCE, teach in a mainstream school and then work in the SEN unit.

The main thing is experience I think. There are definitely PGCEs available which are for teaching SEN, but I imaging they'd like to see some experience of working with students with SEN first.

Willmafrockfit · 04/09/2023 07:19

she wont want to be beholden to you, which is part of her whole personality.
just leave it.

RedHelenB · 04/09/2023 07:19

OneFrenchEgg · 03/09/2023 22:33

Based on what? Being described as a narcissist and bad tempered? What a horrible way to think about neurodiversity.

Show quote history

No based on autism having a genetic link and this from OP.

"She is just a "difficult" personality. She quarrels with work colleagues, her in laws, my family. She is very prickly and blunt"

MolkosTeenageAngst · 04/09/2023 07:27

Has your sister expressed she wants help or asked for help? Has she expressed the kind of help she needs?

Have you considered that taking your niece out may not be the kind of help she needs? Days out are the fun side of parenting (although I appreciate can be harder work with some children with SEN), it’s likely your sister is struggling more with the daily grind. Keeping on top of laundry, housework, dealing with night wakings and meltdowns, attending appointments and meetings, the loneliness and isolation from having a child on a different path to friends/ family etc.

Your offers of respite are kind, but it sounds like they’re not what your sister needs, If you want to help maybe you need to help in a different way, could you offer to clean the house for example whilst your sister takes her daughter out? Do you know of any local parent groups from your work you could point your sister towards? Can you help look over her EHCP ahead of annual reviews and ensure it adequately outlines your nieces needs and that provision/ outcomes are relevant? It might not be your sister doesn’t want or need help but you do need to find out what kind of help would actually be helpful before offering!

Yourebeingtooloud · 04/09/2023 07:33

RedHelenB · 04/09/2023 07:19

No based on autism having a genetic link and this from OP.

"She is just a "difficult" personality. She quarrels with work colleagues, her in laws, my family. She is very prickly and blunt"

Show quote history

This was my first thought too - OP I expect your sister may also be neurodiverse - if you think about that does it help to reframe the difficult relationship at all?

D1nopawus · 04/09/2023 07:34

As a special needs teacher I'm sure you know about genetic links and autism.

I think you need to stop judging your sister by your own standards.