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Original poster

Toxic sibling has a SEN child

53 replies

KnightonHill · 03/09/2023 21:52

Hi, Im looking for advice pls. I dont like my sister, she is a narcissist and has a very bad temper. When I was growing up, it was all about her. My mum just panders to her. I moved away when I could. Mum and sister live in the same city.

Now my sister has a child with Autism. I love my niece. I want to support her, take her out. I found an amazing sensory place for children with Autism but my sister declined. I offered to take her swimming once a week, she declined that too. I thought it might give my sister a break. I am a Special Needs teacher. I have asked her how can I help, but I dont get a response.

How can I be a supportive caring aunt to my niece if I dont like her Mum?

People have warned me that my sister will get worse as her child gets older and the pressure increases on her. I know its incredibly difficult for her, thats why I want to help in any way I can.

OP posts:
Yourebeingtooloud · 04/09/2023 07:35

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/09/2023 23:37

Can I just ask a question about special-needs teaching? I know it's not to do with your thread. Do you have to do a specific PGCE or just one in primary or secondary and then specialise later? Thanks.

You can choose either route. It is possible to do.a mainstream pgce then choose to work in special schools later. There are also some SEND pgces which include majority of placements in special schools but also some mainstream. They are very competitive so most people have Lsa experience in special school first.

Kernackered · 04/09/2023 07:43

Not the point I know, but she sounds like my relative who I now realise has borderline personality disorder. I'm watching carefully to see what kind of parent she turns out to be. It's an incredibly difficult personality to live with and has also affected me enormously over the years

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 04/09/2023 07:45

Your ability to have a relationship with neices/nephews are entirely in the hands of their parents.
There is nowt you can do in this situation.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families SEN
WhatNoRaisins · 04/09/2023 07:48

OP in life you need to just try help where you can and if your sister doesn't want you to be involved then you can't help here however relevant your skills are. I'd be trying to find something else that I could be a positive influence on.

PosterBoy · 04/09/2023 07:58

It often has a genetic component. Your sister has a lifetime history of misunderstanding other people, being blunt, seemingly self-interested. Yup - sounds like undiagnosed autism to me. Because it was never picked up, she has lived a lifetime of being misunderstood by others (the apparent self centredness, for example).

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much though. It was rare for girls to be diagnosed in the past.
She may find she wants to ask for an assessment once she has reflected on her daughter's behaviour. You may want to reflect on your own thoughts and behaviours through that light as well. Often, family members display traits even if not on the spectrum themselves.

It can make for prickly family relationships - just a personal observation

JenniferBarkley · 04/09/2023 08:15

You're not close so I think it's reasonable not to want her daughter spending loads of time one on one with her.

I also wonder (and I may be way off base here), if there's an element of you coming across as a bit of a know it all wrt autism because of your job, whereas of course your sister is the one who knows her DD best. She may be wary of that introducing a conflict or an extra source of frustration for her as a parent.

x2boys · 04/09/2023 08:20

Namechangeforadvicepleaseandthankyou · 03/09/2023 22:31

I suspect your sister is ND

Another armchair diagnosis based on fuck all🙄🙄

x2boys · 04/09/2023 08:24

Can people stop.diagnosing autism ,its quite possible the Ops sister just has a very different personality to the Op.and doesn't want her daughter going out on her own with the Op.
My son has severe autism and my sister was a teacher for many years she thinks she knows ,a.lot about autism in reality she knows very little .

MisschiefMaker · 04/09/2023 08:27

OP why do you think your DS doesn't want your help? You won't be able to resolve this until you figure out the answer to that.

doroda · 04/09/2023 08:29

Your niece having autism and whether your sister is a narcissist or ND or anything else is all quite irrelevant here.

You don't get on with her, and so can't really expect to form a relationship with her children. She will know you don't like her and that most likely goes both ways. She doesn't want/need your support, you can't force it.

BestZebbie · 04/09/2023 08:39

Her DD may actively not want to break her usual routine to go out alone with a person who isn't part of her close household. Especially for something like swimming (a vulnerable, sensory nightmare!) or a class (lots of demands). Her mum might just be acting as as buffer on request.

Willmafrockfit · 04/09/2023 08:42

why would she even allow it?
you dont like each other
you cant be her dd saviour

Sarfar45 · 04/09/2023 08:46

If your sister doesn't want you to be involved there's not much you can do really.
If she wanted help from you I'm sure she would accept it. There's obviously a reason either you are choosing something which isn't the best activity for your niece or she just doesn't feel comfortable with you looking after her.
You can keep offering but otherwise there's not much you can do really.

itsmyp4rty · 04/09/2023 08:56

x2boys · 04/09/2023 08:20

Another armchair diagnosis based on fuck all🙄🙄

Show quote history

And on what basis are you ruling out her being ND? I loathe this typical MN response, especially when there is clearly a possible genetic link.

When ds was diagnosed with ASD the paediatrician said 'well it's come from somewhere' and looked me and DH up and down. ASD can also look extremely like narcissism - it's just the motivation behind the behaviour that is completely and utterly different. On top of that people with ASD have a high comorbidity for personality disorders due to the traumatic childhood experiences they often have due to being autistic.

JaneyGee · 04/09/2023 09:08

OneFrenchEgg · 03/09/2023 22:33

Based on what? Being described as a narcissist and bad tempered? What a horrible way to think about neurodiversity.

Show quote history

Just because someone is 'neurodiverse', that doesn't make them pleasant to be around. The OP said her sister was very cruel to her when she was young. Narcissists generally are. They're spiteful, jealous, unkind and totally lacking in empathy. I have one in my own family. She once threw a tantrum because everyone was talking about a child with cancer instead of her. The rest of us were standing arround feeling sad, and trying to think of ways we could help, while she sat in the corner and sulked because she wasn't the centre of attention! Vile.

Original poster
KnightonHill · 04/09/2023 09:13

@MolkosTeenageAngst Thanks for your reply. She loves cleaning, its her hobby. I have offered to help with appointments, EHCP...

OP posts:
MyGardensAMess · 04/09/2023 09:24

Any chance you come across to her as playing 'expert' when it comes to her daughter, and that puts her off? It would put me off if someone thought they knew my child and what they need better than me, whatever their professional qualifications. Not saying you're doing that, just an idea. I'm sure your sister knows how you view her. It doesn't really sound like she wants involvement in any way.

JenniferBarkley · 04/09/2023 09:29

KnightonHill · 04/09/2023 09:13

@MolkosTeenageAngst Thanks for your reply. She loves cleaning, its her hobby. I have offered to help with appointments, EHCP...

Those are very much the parent's domain though OP. I wouldn't want anyone else involved in stuff like that for my DC, especially as there will be aspects that should remain private and are for the DC to choose to disclose, not the parent.

If you're going to offer to help, do so as a sister and aunt, not as an expert.

x2boys · 04/09/2023 09:33

itsmyp4rty · 04/09/2023 08:56

And on what basis are you ruling out her being ND? I loathe this typical MN response, especially when there is clearly a possible genetic link.

When ds was diagnosed with ASD the paediatrician said 'well it's come from somewhere' and looked me and DH up and down. ASD can also look extremely like narcissism - it's just the motivation behind the behaviour that is completely and utterly different. On top of that people with ASD have a high comorbidity for personality disorders due to the traumatic childhood experiences they often have due to being autistic.

Show quote history

And I loathe how people casually throw out autism and narcissism " diagnoses" based in very little it minimises it and its not helpful
A genetic link.doesn't always mean what you sem.to.think it means my son ,s autism has a genetic link.as has an underlying rare chromosome disorder thought to be the cause of his autism however its de novo.

x2boys · 04/09/2023 09:34

Always mean*

flexigirl · 04/09/2023 09:40

I would love to have a sister like you . My child is profoundly disabled, sister doesn't even acknowledge her, let alone offer support in any form . I think you should try ask your sister what you can do to support her

BodegaSushi · 04/09/2023 09:42

Namechangeforadvicepleaseandthankyou · 03/09/2023 22:31

I suspect your sister is ND

🙄

Nowthenhere · 04/09/2023 10:16

You will not be the hero that saves the niece from her mum or gets the treatment she needs.

Even if you achieve what you're setting up; alternative education for her, your efforts will be forgotten.

Your mum and your sister's relationship is unhealthy which will possibly get more emeshed as your mum ages.

Get on with your own life. You can be the independent woman you are and whilst your mum and sister are unlikely to notice unless they feel threatened, you have a duty to yourself to just enjoy your life.

Bottom line, your niece is not your responsibility and your words are falling on deaf ears.

OneFrenchEgg · 04/09/2023 17:41

Everyone being so disingenuous and oh there's a genetic link - here is the information you are using to diagnosis Asc and personality disorders:

I dont like my sister, she is a narcissist and has a very bad temper.
When I was growing up, it was all about her.
My mum just panders to her.
my sister has a child with Autism.
I am a Special Needs teacher.
I have asked her how can I help, but I dont get a response.
I dont like her Mum
She is just a "difficult" personality.
She quarrels with work colleagues, her in laws, my family.
She is very prickly and blunt.
She was very cruel when we were young
I feel anxious just speaking to my sister on the phone because her temper is so erratic

I'm not sure any of that is anything other than a stretch to stereotypes of one possible facet of autism.
Thank god no one noticed the reference to cleaning or she'd be diagnosed with OCD as well.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/09/2023 17:46

In fairness, you don't like your sister, and she knows that. You feel your mother panders to her, and you moved away from them as soon as you could.

Why would you think she wants you looking after her child? I wouldn't want my child spending time with someone who openly dislikes me.