Toxic sibling has a SEN child

[KnightonHill]

Hi, Im looking for advice pls. I dont like my sister, she is a narcissist and has a very bad temper. When I was growing up, it was all about her. My mum just panders to her. I moved away when I could. Mum and sister live in the same city.

Now my sister has a child with Autism. I love my niece. I want to support her, take her out. I found an amazing sensory place for children with Autism but my sister declined. I offered to take her swimming once a week, she declined that too. I thought it might give my sister a break. I am a Special Needs teacher. I have asked her how can I help, but I dont get a response.

How can I be a supportive caring aunt to my niece if I dont like her Mum?

People have warned me that my sister will get worse as her child gets older and the pressure increases on her. I know its incredibly difficult for her, thats why I want to help in any way I can.

You need to let go of your saviour complex. Be very honest with yourself- is there a part of you that wants to rescue your niece from her mother?

You don’t say how old DN is. All you can do is leave the door open for your sister to access your support, and seek to build a relationship with your niece when she is older.

Ok for all the posters saying my sister knows I dont like her...that is not the case. She is clingy and always wants me to phone her for really long chats. I really didnt want to go away with her and made an excuse. Im sure she will ask again.

The issue is....I dont like her because she makes everything about herself. If I ask her how is my niece, she will change the subject and talk about herself.
When I am with her, I feel drained. The conversation is very toxic with hurtful comments. She crows over the fact that mum visits her, cooks for her. Mum hardly ever visits me, and when she does my husband always jokes with me that she has one eye on the clock and leaves as soon as she can.

I love my niece but I cant separate the two.
My sister would rather I lavish her with all my time but I would rather spend time with my niece.

I dont want to be a saviour.
Im not an expert by any means.

I feel guilty that I am not doing more formy niece especially because I know she needs a lot of care. Hope that makes sense.

A lot of you have commented I cant do any more, and I have come to realise this and Im not beating myself over about it anymore.

I actually agree with those saying you need to back off a little bit.

I think if you dislike your sister so strongly, you can't be a very involved aunt.

My dbro can be great but he also has some problems which make him hard work. I know my relationship with his dcs won't be that close as a result. I wouldn't go about engineering a strong relationship with them unless I had been heavily involved in their lives and then suddenly fell out with dbro.

All families are different obviously, but generally I'd not expect to have a strong bond with a niece whose parent (the one related to me at least) I strongly disliked and thought very badly of.