Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I cannot parent anymore

88 replies

DueyCheatemAndHow · 30/08/2023 15:03

I'm at my absolute wits end. They are 4 and 2 and the demands, the changing goalposts, the absolute non stop talking, the arguments. I feel dizzy from having to talk so much. The 2 year olds tantrums are horrific. The 4 year old must have ADHD. He does not stop. Ever. Anything that happens requires me. He doesn't do anything and I mean ANYTHING alone. The park this morning ended with me telling them a story then pretending they were golf balls. Then the whole way home of him talking and asking about electric cars.

Nothing goes by without a question or a demand for an explanation, a negotiation, a battle

6 weeks of just me and them and honestly i feel like I've lost my soul.

OP posts:
Gnomegnomegnome · 30/08/2023 18:59

Two of mine were full on all of the time. They needed constant entertaining. Constant! I get it! I felt like I had nothing left in me but had to carry on.

Don’t be too quick to diagnose anything and pay no attention to the ‘professionals’ who tell you that your child’s behaviour is not normal just from one post on mumsnet.

Original poster
DueyCheatemAndHow · 30/08/2023 18:59

@Ohthatsabitshit that's a really lovely list but they wouldn't do it without me. It would be me looking with them. I'm not trying to be defeatist but I know what they r like.

I'm doing another test in a sec

OP posts:
itsamedicalmystery · 30/08/2023 19:08

A hyper and inquisitive child doesn't necessarily mean they have ADHD. My 4 year old never stopped. She was exhausting, all activities lasted 5 mins at most before she moved on to something else. Back then, ADHD wouldn't have even crossed my mind. The news was my saviour. She would sit and watch that, ask any necessary questions - which actually weren't many, and that would keep her quiet for a good hour or so. Then her brain would be full and she would fall asleep for the night.

Now at 14 she does not have ADHD. She's incredibly social, is aware of the world around her and still loves watching the news. Maybe it's just a phase - it really does get better.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Gahhhhereheisagain · 30/08/2023 19:08

@DueyCheatemAndHow I'm really really clear with mine about certain things (he is now 6) 'no I am not coming, I like to eat my breakfast sat in the kitchen, listening to the radio and then I will watch/ play, do'
At first he screamed
Then he shouted
Then he moaned
Then he sat watching me
And then after a few weeks he got it.
Now I eat my breakfast in peace for ten whole minutes. He sets a timer for me, cheeky wotsit. But I get my ten minutes.
It is relentless but he's probably bored and ready for school. When he starts, sign him up to every after school club going, really tire him out.

InvincibleInvisibility · 30/08/2023 19:09

Fingers crossed you get the result ypu want OP.

What saved me with my 2 ADHDers was going back to work. DS1 needed constant input. DS2 didn't. However DS2 was a brilliant playmate for DS1 which relieved us!

They are now 9 and nearly 12 and it is a lot easier. I have worked hard on making them independent and as they enjoy moving around they are quite helpful around the house.

toadasoda · 30/08/2023 19:13

OhamIreally · 30/08/2023 16:43

My DD has ADHD if she asks me the same thing I reply "asked and answered".

Show quote history

Yes was going to suggest this response too.

My DS was like that too and spent far too much time watching TV which he did by continually bouncing on the couch. He literally never stopped either and was diagnosed with ADHD. It's exhausting and 4 is a tough age anyhow parenting an energetic kid.

Do you have space for a trampoline? I really regretted not getting one earlier for DS, at least he can be zipped into it and safe for a while.

Maybe look up sensory activities, even if he doesn't have ADHD he may have high sensory needs. A sensory diet is where activities are spread throughout the day to keep a child regulated, so maybe a high intensity activity before a car journey. A private one off OT appointment may help.

Original poster
DueyCheatemAndHow · 30/08/2023 19:18

Yep we have a trampoline. He doesn't like going on it without me.

2nd test is definitely negative.

OP posts:
Lastchancechica · 30/08/2023 19:36

I think you are going to have to put your foot down. Re him doing stuff alone. Do it gradually but firmly. He CAN okay by himself, he would just prefer to join him. It’s okay to put boundaries in place op.

’Mummy is having some quiet time now ds, you have the choice to run laps around the garden or do some silent drawing at the table. It is quiet time now’

Introduce quiet time where he has options to run off steam safely elsewhere or play quietly. Be very firm if he interrupts, it is quiet time for an hour when the big hand reaches 2 we will have play time.

To every question you can not face answering just say what you do you think darling? What do you think we should do? Let him start problem solving. Deflection.

It’s very important to introduce this now so it’s not a shock in school.

He doesn’t set the agenda, you do.

coxesorangepippin · 30/08/2023 19:38

Yep we have a trampoline. He doesn't like going on it without me.

^
It's one person at a time on the trampoline, too dangerous with more than one person. Explain this to him

Lasttimehonest · 30/08/2023 19:44

Honestly, I think at that age it’s just hard. I have a 20 month old and a five year old..and they are NT, great kids, and I have a (most of the time) helpful DH. On hols at the moment and I’m exhausted and just can’t wait for them to start school and get back in routine. Don’t have any advice really just solidarity. I was traipsing round a play park with them all morning and it’s exhausting keeping up with the competing demands and the 5 year old is being particularly winey at the moment which makes the relationship with DH tense as we sometimes have different ways of parenting. However, this is interspersed with some really nice moments 😅. You need regular breaks..my 20 month old has been in nursery some of the hols as we pay for it anyway and DH and I take turns looking after the oldest as we work, and I use holiday clubs occasionally. I’m also an introvert so need time to recharge from them. 6 weeks full time would send me over the edge as well!

Glovesandscarf · 30/08/2023 19:47

DueyCheatemAndHow · 30/08/2023 15:06

Looking at other families on days out breaks my heart. They aren't constantly talking, setting boundaries, saying 'no don't touch that'. He cannot just be at all. I asked him to play in the garden for 5 minutes yesterday. He just pulled on the washing line then snapped it

You clearly haven’t seen my family on a day out then, cos this is exactly it, interspersed with bellowing for them to come back. My smallest explained the other day that he doesn’t like the quiet game, but it’s the only way to get a tiny bit of peace.

Ohthatsabitshit · 30/08/2023 19:48

It sounds like you are exhausted. I had a box on top of the fridge full of “activities”, that we pulled out when I needed a break. Just random shit like fuzzy felt/balloons/fake moustaches/feathers and straws/cars/magic sand/stickers. Amazon is your friend here but lots of the stuff was just fun because it was a surprise. I had a lot more children though so it was easier as they were like a ridiculously over enthusiastic crowd.

hiredandsqueak · 30/08/2023 20:01

Ohthatsabitshit · 30/08/2023 19:48

It sounds like you are exhausted. I had a box on top of the fridge full of “activities”, that we pulled out when I needed a break. Just random shit like fuzzy felt/balloons/fake moustaches/feathers and straws/cars/magic sand/stickers. Amazon is your friend here but lots of the stuff was just fun because it was a surprise. I had a lot more children though so it was easier as they were like a ridiculously over enthusiastic crowd.

Dd has a "cupboard of crap" that she raids to entertain dgs when she needs five minutes as well. I had four in six years and say to dd that the four of them together were easier than dgs and I'm sure it was because they entertained each other where dgs sees his dm and me and indeed anyone visiting as his playmate

jannier · 30/08/2023 20:03

Jamtartforme · 30/08/2023 16:37

Ideas like this are great in theory but then just create yet more work. I would have to empty one of the plastic tubs (used to store bottles etc currently) fill it up, change DC into clothes I don’t mind if she wrecks them, send them outside. They would probably pay attention for all of 5/10 minutes before wanting to do something else, leaving me with a pile of soggy toys to dry, a tub to rinse out and clothes needing to be changed. Probably a few arguments along the way as she would want to dunk her soft toys in, or something belonging to me, or wouldn’t keep still while I was drying her off…

Show quote history

Why dress them in good clothes at home? Do you not let your children do messy play...loads of pand water and pick mud, stones and leaves keeps most happy for ages....

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 30/08/2023 20:25

Sending lots of solidarity and sympathy OP :) long time SAHM to 5 and 3 year old and I’m mentally frazzled. My 5 year old doesn’t play with toys on her own or with her sister. At home she enjoys crafts (requiring 1-1 with me) watches TV and other than that pretty much refuses any type of play including games, puzzles, barbies etc. behaves wonderfully when out and plays well with friends but at home it’s like having a grumpy pre-teen on my sofa. Always coming up with crazy craft ideas too. If the TV is off, she always needs me, I’m so drained! She won’t even play in the garden despite play stuff etc. or go to the loo by herself. I’ve been wondering for a while if she has ADHD

usernother · 30/08/2023 20:29

Sounds entirely normal to me for those ages. One of my children and one of my grandchildren were exactly the same with regards to the constant talking and questions. It will get easier as they get older. Hang on in there.

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 30/08/2023 20:33

It’s comforting to hear other people have had similar experiences, sometimes I feel like people don’t understand how hard it is parenting a very demanding child post-baby/ toddler years when everyone says it gets so much easier!. I would have loved a 3rd but I really don’t think I can cope with that due to the high needs of my first

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 30/08/2023 20:35

(And my second is the complete opposite, will play happily by herself for long periods of time and generally a lot less demanding, and less obsessed with the TV too, will watch for a bit and then move on to something else)

Hyppogriff · 30/08/2023 20:38

I also could have written your post- mine are 4 and 2 - eldest is 5 in September and starting school next week !! His behaviour last couple of weeks has been so challenging I also felt today like I was having some out of body experience and just wanted to be beamed up somewhere !!!

Ohthatsabitshit · 30/08/2023 20:38

I agree @hiredandsqueak it is very different with more and not always harder.

@DueyCheatemAndHow I think you need to find a way of creating some space for your own needs. Some of the things you do CAN be done by small children and some can be done in parallel. You CAN think of other things for some of it. It won’t hurt them if you give yourself a little break. Hide and seek and don’t search too fast in an emergency! They need their mum happy not burnt out.

Do that test again day after tomorrow.

Lastchancechica · 30/08/2023 20:42

You need a break op. Full stop.

fearfuloffluff · 30/08/2023 20:45

The other thing that helped me was toy box rotation - put some toys out of reach in a box, then switch them round. Kids are much keener to play with toys when they're more of a novelty and it helps with messiness

Micemice · 30/08/2023 20:45

I hear you!! Cannot even pee in peace on any given day,won’t go out and play together - I have to be there and doing things with them or they literally hang off my feet. Set them a challenge-90secs-2 mins and back at my feet. This summer I actually said many many times, stop saying mummy, stop shouting mum, stop touching mummy , stop asking me questions , said we are having no questions no asking for mummy / no touching mummy for next 30 mins. And if they did I didn’t answer And said no talking to mummy. I tried to coincide this with tv show and snacks in front of them in hope they’d stop shouting my name or demanding me for 20 mins. Sounds harsh but I was living those same out of body moments you talk of!!!

Peekaboooooo · 30/08/2023 20:57

I can totally relate to you OP. My son is 4 (being assessed for adhd) and my daughter is just 2. It is absolutely mental most days! They've been kept pretty bust during the hols but it has also been draining. Ds starts school next week so I'm wondering if that will change things. Is your 4yo during to start school?

Oh and dd's terrible twos tantrums are horrendous! The rage!

So you're not alone. Hope things improve for you.

Peekaboooooo · 30/08/2023 21:03

Due to start school that should say