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Original poster

Parents of teenagers who do chores, what's your secret?

68 replies

greenapple123 · 30/08/2023 14:23

Hello,

If you have teenagers who can do their chores, help out with cooking and generally help out with jobs around the house without being constantly reminded :) , can you share what you think helped them be that way please? I am especially interested in learning what they did as young kids - for e.g, did they have some chores when they were 5 or 6 and what kind of chores?

OP posts:

AvengedQuince · 30/08/2023 14:27

When I was doing housework he always helped. He just learnt it was unfair if there are two people and one is working and the other not.

Peony654 · 30/08/2023 14:29

Started as early as possible with smaller things like clearing toys. Always been expected. Framing it as doing a fair share.

AvengedQuince · 30/08/2023 14:34

Tidying up own toys sometime before age two. 'Helping' in the kitchen (not really a help at first but paid off later). I wash up he dries. Putting away his clothes when I put away mine, and so on.

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Enko · 30/08/2023 14:36

Expectation..

Far to often we do not place expectations on children to help. If they are expected to and its not an option then they will do so.

I used to make a list of chores for each person to do so they could cross one off they wanted to do. Also expected them to start cooking from age 12-13 12 they aided by 13 they were making.

Result are adults who went to uni able to cope with their stuff. Able to cook for themselves and who knew how to work a washing machine.

parietal · 30/08/2023 14:39

mine do their own laundry and load/unload the dishwasher and occasionally cook. age 12 and 15. they tidy things if told to but don't often do it spontaneously.

they didn't particularly do chores at a much younger age, but have always had to be helpful. DH and I both work long hours and both do chores equally, so I guess there has always been a requirement for everyone to pitch in.

BeyondMyWits · 30/08/2023 14:40

There was just always an expectation that everyone does stuff for "the house" . Why wouldn't they make their own bed, keep their own room tidy, clean their toothpaste spit off the sink? Set expectations early... help THEM to do THEIR chores... they are not helping you... language matters. We work, so everyone mucks in.

BodenCardiganNot · 30/08/2023 14:42

Like pps started from young childhood so that it was part of everyday family life. As they got older they did more.

SanRaz1 · 30/08/2023 14:43

hi,

yes they were given chores from age 5-6. Always asked to tidy their rooms, make their beds and tidy after themselves in general.

now my eldest is a teenager, he has his specific chores that he does without asking.

allocating specific jobs so that they know they have to do them helps to establish ownership. Otherwise if they don’t do them, they don’t get their treats

Bookchildtable · 30/08/2023 14:44

Started early, so clearing toys away, then putting washing in basket, helping (or hindering) with jobs. Just built up. By the time the eldest was 10 and youngest 5 I became disabled and the ability to realise the bin needs emptying or the pots need washing was already ingrained. There's a work ethic they have because it's always been the case you help. Routines also help eg Saturday we clean living areas, Sunday we clean bathrooms but also they are aware that the washing is needing doing. Last week I came home and dc1 had cut the garden hedges because they needed doing (I hadn't asked). Mine are 14-20 now and are mostly very helpful/capable.

trampoline123 · 30/08/2023 14:45

Mine are only 2 and 3 and they both get a cloth and 'help' me clean. Their Dad also helps do lots around the house and I hope these things combined will make them helpful when they are older.

Ohthatsabitshit · 30/08/2023 14:45

Mine have always helped. They do some things independently now but mostly I just allocate jobs as I see them. I don’t think anyone’s ever questioned it.

HelpMeGetThrough · 30/08/2023 14:46

Our teen does a fair amount.

Last time we took the eldest to University, we got back and he had changed beds, washed and dried the bedding, hoovered and made chocolate brownies.

He's just odd 🤣 we've never said we expect him to do certain things, he just does it

Keeping his room tidy? Yeah, right, that place is a health hazard!!

Chocolate brownies were cracking though!!!

doodleygirl · 30/08/2023 14:51

Like others, started young and it was just part of family life. As they got older through the teen years and young adult they just did their share as it was ingrained.

VeridicalVagabond · 30/08/2023 14:51

Probably luck, largely.

I think growing up as part of a very large family helped. She was raised by me, my mam, my gran, my aunties, my sisters... Etc. She grew up helping gran with the ironing, cooking dinner with her cousins, helping grandad with the animals, being expected to be part of the machine that keeps a massive family running. It was just expected that everyone contribute and she mercifully fell into line with little argument.

But still. Luck. I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop and the terrible teens to begin.

frazzledasarock · 30/08/2023 14:53

Mine had chores from really young. Laundry (sorting it, loading unloading the machine, sorting everyone’s laundry into piles and putting it in their rooms to fold away themselves, clearing the table, washing dishes/loading unloading the dishwasher, an expectation of clearing up after themselves, keeping their rooms tidy, we’d have a day on the weekend where we’d blitz the house, everyone had their own tasks.

if anyone moaned I pointed out we were a team and needed to work together to make life easy for all of us and live in a clean home.

nobody really argued or complained because we were all tidying and nobody was sitting around making the person doing chores feel upset.

Original poster

greenapple123 · 30/08/2023 14:56

Thanks everyone for sharing. Hoping to learn from your experience.

I see some threads here about teenagers and young adults who don't do any jobs around the house, and it worries me.

OP posts:

PinotPony · 30/08/2023 14:56

I think I instilled a work ethic in them. They both had paper rounds and got up early in all weathers. At 16 they got part time jobs.

I think that has helped them to realise that you have to do things you don't particularly want to do. Including household chores.

ToussaintTheChef · 30/08/2023 14:56

Mine have both been raised the same way. Tidying toys away with me from toddlerhood, making their own beds from 3, putting plates in the dishwasher, own clothes away, stripping own beds from primary age.

ultimately it is personality. Eldest is an Angel, just does whatever she sees is needed as it suits. Youngest is a lazy wotsit, leaves her clothes wherever they come off, wouldn’t consider doing anything around the house, ever. Bedroom always a mess, plate left on the dining table every mealtime etc.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 30/08/2023 14:57

Respect.

I have never assigned particular chores to my dd or nagged her to help. But I treat her with respect and ask that she treats me with respect in return. She can see that she lives in the house and contributes to any mess, so she recognises that it's fair for her to chip in and do her bit.

I also encouraged her to take responsibility for her own laundry (clothes, sheets etc) and to learn how to cook etc from an early age, telling her (truthfully!) that it was important for her to learn this stuff from an early age because I had found it a bit of a shock to the system when I first left find.

But fundamentally, I believe that mutual respect, compassion and understanding is the key. Everything else flows from that.

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 30/08/2023 15:00

Not calling them chores. Just talking about everyone having to pull their weight in the family. Sometimes we will sit down and divvy up the tasks that need to be done (usually after a busy period so there are a few tasks). Everyone picks things they don’t mind as much - daughter will always pick to cut the grass, son doesn’t mind the vacuuming, Dh will do the bathrooms and I’ll do laundry and clean kitchen.

Everyone has to cook at least once a week (they get to pick the meal they want to cook) and someone who hasn’t cooked has to turn around the dishwasher.

Uterusbegone · 30/08/2023 15:12

Start early with age appropriate tasks and make it a non negotiable 'everyone that lives here is responsible for doing their part' rather than 'this is mums job and you are just helping her' (this goes for husbands too!)

Honestly people that have no expectations of their kids when it comes to the household, and do everything for them their whole lives are just doing them a disservice - imagine what a shock to the system it is going from doing nothing to doing everything when you move out. It's a much easier transition when you are already used to doing some of it

UsingChangeofName · 30/08/2023 15:17

I'm not sure about without being constantly reminded - I think that goes hand in hand with being a teen.
However, I agree with most - start young, and all adults in the house lead by example. It is just 'normal' to never leave the table empty handed or whatever.

Then, give them a bit of autonomy - so, mine cooked meals from secondary school age.... it was a question of saying 'there are five of us living here, so if everyone cooks one evening meal a week, we'll have fewer nights when someone has to do a 2nd night. <-- Is just stated as fact.
Then "I'll put a list on the fridge of what we've got (with BBE dates) and list of days and everyone needs to sign up to which meal they are doing <--- their choice of which day, and what they want to cook.
etc
Also, letting them see everyone has a job they are doing. So, if one is cooking, another comes and lays the table and gets everyone a drink. Another person empties / loads the dishwasher.
Plenty of "I'll go and get the washing out, if one of you can wash those bits that don't go in the dishwasher" type things said.

redskytonights · 30/08/2023 15:18

Starting young so they were fun. Once they were old enough not to find them fun, it was acknowledged that chores were boring but necessary and helped the house run more smoothly.

When they were older, we went with our expectations but also sought their input. So it wasn't just us telling them what to do but them acknowledging that it was fair (e.g.) if they cooked once a week or washed their own bedding and towels.
Some of this was also linked to what we did for them - so we pointed out that hoovering once a week was cheap compared to the price of paying for taxis as compared to having us drive them about.

I think the children that refuse to help as teens are often ones that have been babied in their younger years.
It surprises me how little some parents seem to think their children are capable of.

unfor · 30/08/2023 15:19

This is great advice and I wish I'd followed it. My teen - although delightful and highly capable in many respects - is extremely reluctant to do chores and would happily be waited on hand and foot if I let him. Almost all the other teens I know are the same. Hats off to the parents on this thread for bucking the trend!

Katmai · 30/08/2023 15:24

You get them 'helping' right from the moment they can walk. A toddler can have great fun with a duster. Once they get a bit older and understand the concept of 'Tidy Up Time' from nursery or pre-school then you start doing it at home as well. You do make a bit of a rod for your own back for a few years, but it pays off in the end.

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