Parents of teenagers who do chores, what's your secret?

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Hello,

If you have teenagers who can do their chores, help out with cooking and generally help out with jobs around the house without being constantly reminded :) , can you share what you think helped them be that way please? I am especially interested in learning what they did as young kids - for e.g, did they have some chores when they were 5 or 6 and what kind of chores?

My dd (17yo) has set jobs for example putting the dishes away, hoovering upstairs.

The expectation is she does these jobs without me reminding her.

I also expect her to help with any other chores if I ask her to, occasionally she'll moan about this but generally she'll get on everything to it!

She also helps with dog walking.

Theses always been an expectation she'll help and there would be consequences if she didn't.

Mine are 11 and 12 do the following;
Help set the table, clear the table and rinse their dishes/put in dishwasher.
They can change their own beds though don't do it themselves very often to be fair, but they do make them most mornings.
One of mine likes hoovering and I have come home and found them hoovering downstairs without being asked!
They unpack their bags after school and put everything away, coats/shoes/lunch boxes.
They dust/hoover their own rooms and I will if they are not here and it needs doing.
They put their own washing away. If they use blankets/cushions, they are responsible for tidying them away.
If they spill anything (within reason) they are responsible for wiping it up, same with crumbs on floor/table. This also has the benefit that they are now more careful when eating.
They need to make sure their dirty washing is in the correct place.
If they are going away, I might help them with what they might need, but they find and pack it generally and they prefer this as then they know where things are.
One likes to help prepare and cook from time to time.
They will help with vvvv limited outside tasks under duress.
They feed/water and help clean out their pets.
I've only really been ramping up to this level for a couple of years and it may sound like a bootcamp, but most things are just little tasks that help me out, but they see me working and I just asked them to generally tidy up after themselves to help out. Somethings I ask them to do, something's they now do for themselves. Scouts also has made them more independent.

If their parent doesn’t expect them to do chores, set expectations, follow through with consequences, then most teens will do very little.

If he didn't do it there were consequences.

I largely let him manage his own time. I don't limit screen time for example, if he wants to play PlayStation all evening he can do, as long as chores and homework are done first. That has always been the rule.

Yeah always have helped a bit - we went through a stage of everyone doing some cleaning all together at the weekend - do need to be reminded but do get its part of living with people

I've not had to use explicit consequences as yet, more sort of 'lets put this away before we watch/do X' but they know that we won't be doing X until it is done 😃

I think it's useful not to be too dictatorial over chores.
Teens like to have some autonomy.

So, as long as their bedroom is not a health hazard, it doesn't have to be cleaned to your standard. Always think "why am I asking them to do this?".

If their chore is doing the hoovering, it's probably ok that they do it "sometime on Sunday" as opposed to insisting "it must be done now".

Threats or bribes depending on my mood

DS has always done age appropriate chores. At 15 he has set things but we all do a bit of everything and any hint of huffing is met with "we are a household and everyone chips in". It's non-negotiable. I also remind him that he needs to learn how to be an adult if he would like to be treated as one.

My 12 year old has chores that he has to do “for free “ (cleaning his own room, changing his bed)
And there are chores he can earn a little extra with (hoovering, buying extra groceries).

Start young with ‘helping’.

Mine range between 12 and 16 in age.

Generally I say - this needs doing before the TV/PS goes on, and I mean it!. Their desire for the TV or PS is so great that they can do a few chores and their homework in no time now. I have had the - it’ll take you less time to do the job, than argue with me about doing it, conversation enough times, that they don’t bother arguing now.

They are pretty good to be fair.

I explain it as teamwork.

They are more than capable of cooking, cleaning, recycling, putting bins out, cut grass, putting washing out, bringing washing in, load dishwasher, unload it, do an online food shop for a week etc . The only things they don’t help with is ironing and starting the washing machine off. I am not confident enough in them sorting clothing properly at this stage. Particularly my clothing😬.

It has taken along time to get here, but it’s worth it. I do feel I need to branch out a bit into changing lightbulbs, change a fuse, turn a stop cock off and very light diy. I’m not sure I’m ready for that quite yet, but I recognise the 16 yo could be learning a trade college, so possibly it’ll be ok. They done a fair bit a cubs and scouts.

My oldest now realises how little some other kids do, but realises that transitioning to uni will be easy in terms of keeping himself/room clean, fed and tidy.

It is life skills.

Agree with not calling them chores. Things that need doing by all the people who live in the house. Model good behaviour - both DH and I cook, empty bins, cut grass. All jump up after dinner and stack dishwasher/wipe table etc.

I often give options - would you rather empty the dishwasher or fold the washing? Then I do the other one (or pass it off to the child who's not there right now!) I don't worry about their rooms although the cleaner must be able to access once a fortnight so they never get too bad.

Don't link pocket money to jobs. Regular pocket money helps teach how to handle money/prioritise spending while jobs around the house teaches other important life skills (which no-one pays grownups to do!)

It's just always been expected that they tidy up after themselves and pitch in. Not helping out has never been an option so they don't see it as one.

No secret here really. My teenagers weren't trained to help out when they were little, except to tidy their toys away when asked. We got them to start doing the washing and drying up together when they were pre-teens. When I went back to work full time we made a fsmily rota. They sometimes need a little reminder, but they do their tasks with no complaints.

Mine "helped" as toddlers but after that I placed no expectations of chores on a regular basis. This was because I was basically cinderella as a child and I didn’t want to repeat that. (Cooked tea every night and hoovered, did all my washing etc etc from the age of 10).

My approach was to teach them all the jobs that need doing, how to cook, shop and clean, They would willingly do something if asked, but they never had any obligation.

Result are adults who went to uni able to cope with their stuff. Able to cook for themselves and who knew how to work a washing machine.

Mine went to uni capable but without having ever done a huge list of chores.

My son's have left home now after buying their own homes but when they lived at home they helped out around the house. SON 1 - unloaded shopping after big shopping delivery. Checked food in the fridge was in date and anything out of date he throwns away. He emptied and cleaned out the kitchen rubbish bin 2 or 3 times a week. Stripped his own bed, washed bedding, dried on line and remade his bed from 12. Did his own laundry. Collected up dirty towels from all bathrooms on Saturday morning and put on a hot wash. SON 2 - did all sorting/recycling and got it out on the correct day in the correct bins and brought back after emptied. Cooked twice a week. Stripped his own bed and washed sheets every week and remade his bed from age 12. Did his own washing. Unloaded the dishwasher daily. Foster son strips his own bed each week and puts bedding in a basket and brings it down to wash. Tidied up shoes on the rack in the hall. He has taken over the collection of towels from all bathrooms Saturday morning and brings them down for washing. Carries groceries in shopping bags from the car on a midweek shop. Carries all used plates and cups out to the kitchen and puts next to the dishwasher. Puts food away. Foster son has learning disabilities but still has to learn how to take care of a house. He sometimes feeds the cats and dogs too under supervision.

All of this

One extra tip: don’t explain it to them as ‘helping’ you. Otherwise, there’s an assumption that it is your job and they are assisting. Say ‘let’s tidy up together’, or ‘we need to do the laundry now’ or whatever, so they are equal partners and have ownership of the task.

My teenager is unable to keep her room tidy (the war was lost long ago) but she's always wanted to help out. She cleans up after the cat, takes out the rubbish, goes to the shop for me, washes up and puts away, makes her own snacks, feeds said cat, changes her sheets and at a push might hoover if asked.

She can't see when the bathroom sink needs a quick gping over, nor is able to take her hair out of the shower plughole but I'm working on it.

I'm moving onto doing the laundry soon, though she can iron to a satisfactory standard. Her dad is teaching her to cook.

They've just always done them, obviously age-appropriate stuff, from when they were toddlers and could wipe the coffee table or put their dirty clothes in the linen basket at bedtime. We had a lovely magnet chart for their jobs and it just became a habit for them eventually (not that they never need a reminder). I think waiting until they were older would have been a mistake.

going against the grain, I did everything "right" - responsibilities from an early age, routine, framing it as mucking in and family pulling together etc, but I still battle with them over it.

IME lots of teens get a bit more selfish inward looking for a while in adolescence, and this has definitely played out in my house with them getting a fair bit lazier. They don't get let off the hook, but I have to ask pretty much every time, and often more than once to get stuff done. For example if I go to work and they're home, I have to Ieave a note with very detailed instructions of who needs to do what, even if yesterday's instructions and the day before's were identical. I stand firm, but it does require more nagging than I'd like.

Honestly? I pay them

My eldest is a young carer so he just sort of gets on with it.

The other one does limited chores in line with his asd. So basically does what i ask without complaint but wouldnt do anything without me asking. Just wouldnt think of it.

Mine have always done chores from a young age.
Tidying up toys, putting clothes in laundry bin, helping at the table are all things that very young children can do
Then it was putting their clean laundry away, helping with meals and baking and slowly more things are added.

We have tidying up sessions where everyone just does whatever asked of them so they'll hoover, put things away, clean windows, sweep the drive way and so on.

I've always told them that we live in the house together and we keep it clean together.

The one thing that really helped over the last few years is having a rule on weekends of no gaming til homework and chores are done.

I don't understand why you wouldn't get dcs to do stuff. Who wants to do it all or be the housemaid?

Absolutely this!