Parents of teenagers who do chores, what's your secret?

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Hello,

If you have teenagers who can do their chores, help out with cooking and generally help out with jobs around the house without being constantly reminded :) , can you share what you think helped them be that way please? I am especially interested in learning what they did as young kids - for e.g, did they have some chores when they were 5 or 6 and what kind of chores?

I don’t ask my teens to do any “chores” beyond keeping their rooms decent and occasionally taking rubbish out to bin etc. Their “job” is school and college, which I expect them to make maximum efforts in. I make it quite clear that that is their contribution to our family and that slacking off is taking advantage of me and all I do for them - single Mum, no support whatsoever - and do they really want to be that person?

They know their way round the washing machine etc and dd got a Merit in her catering GCSE so she is well able to put a meal together if she wants to and sometimes does but I don’t expect it. They’ll have their own homes to run as adults so I don’t expect them to run ours now. My Mum pretty much used me as a skivvy, I came home from school and cleaned the house, prepared dinner vegetables etc, every single day. Weekends found me changing beds and cleaning toilets and bathrooms - from age 7 onwards. I did more housework than her and resented her very much for it. Probably why I won’t demand same from my kids.

We don’t call them chores, they don’t have a specific set of things to do or times they have to do things. We have a long family ‘to do’ list and there are lots of things on there that they can’t do, but are still added because it’s important they know that we are doing them too. I think if we’d made a list just for them to do, they might have felt hard done by. When they need something, eg something buying or picking up or dropping off somewhere, they have to put it on the list so they realise they are adding to our list every time they make a request, and their own conscience motivates them to cross something off the list if they add to it!

For example, it might say
Renew car insurance
Make dentists appointment (C)
Sort bedroom drawer
Ring HMRC about child benefit
Change bed for weekend guests
Food shop
Pick up S from club 9.30pm
Whites wash
Dinner

They can’t do the car insurance, the HMRC, the driving, or the full food shop but they can change the bed, sort the bedroom drawer, put a wash on and start dinner.

If it just had dinner, beds, shopping, washing, they’d think we were making them do all the jobs and not doing any ourselves (and they recognise that picking them up, taking them about, making appointments for them, doing their admin, is a job too that is being done for them)

I started DD young with helping with jobs, but was also worried she’d think domestic labour should automatically fall to women, so maybe didn’t make her do as much cleaning up after herself as I should’ve. We still do a thing called Power Hour where everyone puts their headphones in and we all just get stuff done around the house for one hour. It’s only an hour so never feels like a big effort really.

Start ASAP, it's no good waiting until they are tweens. It's about responsibility, fairness, contributing and learning that sometimes you just have to suck it up and do things you don't like/want to do. This goes hand in hand with teaching manners.

I have a bad cup of tea motto, I believe there are people out there who will deliberately make you a bad cup of tea so you never ask them again. I turn that on its head and if they do a chore not to standard, they will continue to do it every time until it’s beyond amazing.

You start as soon as they can walk. You run your family like a community where all members contribute. Everyone gives and everyone takes.
And you're lucky in the kid lottery!

Started from as early age as possible. Did not frame it as them helping me out, it was always portrayed as some jobs only older kids/adults can and some jobs everyone should do. Never offered treats or rewards in exchange.

Don't call them chores. It makes it more of a task than it is. Dts are far from perfect but at 12 they help set / clear the table, cook a couple of times a week, make cups of tea, sort their own breakfast / lunch, laundry doesn't get washed if it doesn't go in the basket and they put their own away.

I can't be bothered to get involved with their rooms, if they want to live in a tip that's up to them but no food, no drinks apart from water in a drinks bottle blanket rule.

Every couple of weeks they'll do a Sunday 'reset' and sort it out, usually when they realise they don't have any clothes.

We started at a very young age explaining to DD that everyone is in a family so it’s important to help out around the house. We don’t have strict rules and assigned chores but she is asked to help with tidying, kitchen cleaning, and even gardening. She is actually really good at organising drawers and such and if I ask her she will reorganize any area. Her room is her job and soon we will start with laundry. It’s important to me that she doesn’t see me doing everything. Her dad does laundry and cleans regularly.

And under no circumstances pay for normal everyday contributions to the running of a household!!

Agree with most comments. The language I’ve always used and still use is “before we do x, we must do y” and we do it together as “it makes things quicker.

example - before we can sit on the sofa, we must clean up our plates. If you want to go to that sleepover, your room must be spotless.

Also if we are guests at close friends or families homes we help out (put away the toys etc)

Start when they are tiny, if they can walk they can put their toys away (of a fashion!)
Mine have stripped and made their beds for years. They hoover, wash up and wipe up because they have been told from being very small that I am not their slave.
I definitely don't just close their bedroom doors and let them live in squalor, I check the rooms are being kept clean. It is an expectation that their rooms are kept to the same standards as the rest of the house.
Definitely don't wait until they are teenagers and expect them to muck in, it has to start when they are little.

Lots of great advice here that I won't repeat – but one thing we do that I haven't seen mentioned yet, is that we thank each other for doing things.

DP and I acknowledge the things the other has done, and DSS sees that – and we thank him when he does things, too.

It might seem unnecessary - why would you say thank you for doing the basics? - but it helps to create an atmosphere of appreciation and pleasure in contributing to the house as a team.

We never set tasks, to make them a chore as such. The teenagers will do things as and when asked of them, such as dishwasher, handing washing out, lawn mowing, cooking.

They often choose to cook (for all).

I handed over responsibility for their own rooms and bathrooms years ago, so if the didn't clean them themselves or wash their bedding, it wouldn't get done.

We've always insisted that we are a family and sometimes we all need to muck in and get stuff done. I don't ask an unreasonable amount from DS aged 13, but when I do ask, he does it pretty cheerfully. I don't nag - I say "Stick a timer on for half an hour please and then.. pop the recycling out/unload the dishwasher/bring the laundry in" etc. The fact that I always give him a half an hour's grace means he doesn't have to drop something he's really interested in that exact second. I'm also pretty matter of fact and expect him to get on with it.

We don't have much truck with whiney non-compliance. We've always said he earns his own standard of living through kindness and effort and is given lots of rewards, praise and attention for behaving to the standard we like. If he's unkind or thoughtless he gets half an hour's weeding as a consequence. He normally comes in cheerful - bit of fresh air and reflection is a wonderful thing. I'm an older Mum though, 44 when I had him. I know I'm firm in comparison to many, many parents I know. I have a happy, successful lad though, so it works for us.

Just was never an option..

When young I held the Wi-Fi password (that lasted till midlife teens ) after that as we both worked they never thought any other way ..

Not made your lunch ?
Then no lunch !

Not washed your clothes ... ?
Then the ones you want to wear are not available...

And so on.. by 14 they were trained . And at Uni it served them well . They met kids who didn't know how to operate a dishwasher or washing machine nor could they cook on a budget.. they are kind enough to thank me for no mollycoddling..

Good role models. My dc are still very young but help with whatever is asked. My dd sees both dh and I doing everything equally so to him there isn't defined chores. I also think he doesn't even realise there's an option to not do it lol. We all pitch in so to him that's normal.

Mine started helping from toddlers stage. Encouraged to help put toys away, dusting. As they got older helping to cooking, clear tables and in the teen years were expected to wash their clothes own clothes. Everyone chips in and does their bit.