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Original poster

Son and his GF on holiday

78 replies

MANT · 27/08/2023 13:16

My son is 20yrs old at Uni his GF of 12 months She's not at Uni or working f/t but works several pt jobs with plenty of time on her hands. My professional role involves career advice so I've tried to help her / advice to no avail. I get that it's her life her choice. However she seems to spend half her time in my home waiting for my son in his room ( something I particularly dislike ). We are not at all wealthy but extended our mortgage to buy a second home abroad where we frequently holiday close to relatives My son expects that we should host his GF for say the entire holiday period. His GF however does NOT participate in any of the household chores ( shes also 20) wakes up very late yet expects to be served hand and foot...not even a thank you gift never offers to make dinner or buy own ingredients even we caught her arguing about spending money with my son. Last year I had words with both my son and his GF and my wife and although she agrees with me rarely says anything ( she's very non confrontational). This year we only allowed his GF to say for half the holiday in our holiday home...she hasn't changed. Next year I really don't want her to attend. She rarely helps but expects a hand and foot service . Anyway I often tell both my son and his GF how we are tired of serving everyone and WE all need to participate in the house .His GF works earns money. My question is should I ask her to contribute financially or not ? I'm really tired of watching this madam sponge off our family. My wife tells me to say nothing as she feels my son will soon break up with this girl. I really want to ask her to contribute and help in the house with my son or for both of them to find a hotel elsewhere. Even today they came down collected a sandwich my wife made for them no good morning nothing and of they went with my 15 year old ( that's why my wife made them all sandwiches). So what should I do / say to his freeloading GF? Say nothing and continue to act like doormats or tell em to get on their bikes...this is the Magic question?

OP posts:
Mrspimplepopper · 27/08/2023 13:35

Does your son make dinner for everyone and do household chores and the like? Maybe your sons gf feels uncomfortable in your home thus 'hides' In his room

Luckingfovely · 27/08/2023 13:42

Just. Say. No.

If she doesn't help or contribute, she's not allowed in your home or your holiday house.

Set the ground rules of what you expect and stick to them.

Irishstout · 27/08/2023 13:42

If it's how your son behaves with you then it sounds like his GF is just going with that. You've said they ccae down and collected sandwiches without a word, yes it's the GF you're upset with no DS.

I would have a chat with both of them about what they could do to help in the household and see if things improve.

And the GF's career isn't anything to do with you. Not everyone wants a 'career' and maybe she's happy doing what she's doing. You can leave the door open if she wants your professional advice but you can't force it on her

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Families
Dontcallmescarface · 27/08/2023 13:58

His GF however does NOT participate in any of the household chores ( shes also 20) wakes up very late yet expects to be served hand and foot...not even a thank you gift never offers to make dinner or buy own ingredients

And your son...what did he do to help? Or doesn't that matter because he has a penis so not obliged to help in any way, shape or form.

ellyo · 27/08/2023 14:03

It doesn't sound like you've asked much of her. I mean, preferably you wouldn't need to because she'd be doing it proactively, but if she's not it seems a bit extreme to jump to uninviting her rather than try to communicate with her and your son.

Why don't you just communicate with them and set some clear expectations?

MassiveOvaryaction · 27/08/2023 14:25

I woul hazard a guess that ds is golden child who can do no wrong, and chores/meal prep is the realm of the wimmins only.

Original poster
MANT · 27/08/2023 15:14

We've definitely told my son to help out and always direct this to him not his GF although yes she does follow suit .The suggestion that it's gender orientated is very missandrist and incorrect. His behaviour isn't ideal and he knows it because we discuss it with him. He's no golden child we certainly did raise him to help but its clearly not worked.I'm a man who works full time and always cleans cooks and does the laundry with my wife on a very regular basis ...not a one off ( yes no big deal) but I'm stating this due to some of the misandrist comments. I would never let my wife (or daughter if we had one) be solely responsible for household chores. I really can't explain his behaviour. My other sons do help. It life its not ideal . We will continue to discuss and I do think if it continues a simple no will have to do.

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 27/08/2023 15:21

Your son's the issue here. He may be lazier than his brothers but it's obvious neither of you has been pulling him up enough on this.

Are you the only one bothered by this op? Does your wife pander to him or is she also frustrated? You need to agree on a joint line. Personally, with a bone idle person like this, there's no way I'd be letting him come on holiday in the first place.

Original poster
MANT · 27/08/2023 15:37

We do but as you state more pulling up is needed . We're both bothered we've discussed it several times. I agree with you.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 27/08/2023 15:41

Tell them neither are invited on holiday because their behaviour and contribution to the house they use is so disrespectful they will ruin the break for everyone else.

Stillcantbebothered · 27/08/2023 15:49

Mrspimplepopper · 27/08/2023 13:35

Does your son make dinner for everyone and do household chores and the like? Maybe your sons gf feels uncomfortable in your home thus 'hides' In his room

Then she should stay in her house. Really she is shy so camps at her bfs parents house and hides in the room all day and that makes sense to you?

FireflyJar · 27/08/2023 16:11

MANT · 27/08/2023 15:14

We've definitely told my son to help out and always direct this to him not his GF although yes she does follow suit .The suggestion that it's gender orientated is very missandrist and incorrect. His behaviour isn't ideal and he knows it because we discuss it with him. He's no golden child we certainly did raise him to help but its clearly not worked.I'm a man who works full time and always cleans cooks and does the laundry with my wife on a very regular basis ...not a one off ( yes no big deal) but I'm stating this due to some of the misandrist comments. I would never let my wife (or daughter if we had one) be solely responsible for household chores. I really can't explain his behaviour. My other sons do help. It life its not ideal . We will continue to discuss and I do think if it continues a simple no will have to do.

Edited

Yet your 'expects to be waited on hand and foot' remark is very patronising and misogynistic. How is she expecting this? Does she make demands on you? Maybe she's Frightened of asking where the Hoover* is to help?

*other vacuums are available

Original poster
MANT · 27/08/2023 16:16

I know right it's just odd we aren't nasty people we've told her to come down

OP posts:
Original poster
MANT · 27/08/2023 16:21

No its not at all ...you need to read the posts carefully we think this of both of them. It's just too easy to jump to incorrect/ unconstructive conclusions under the guise of misogyny rather than being a careful reader...isn't it just! Oh and yes she has asked " where is dinner" when we have stated there none as each will create their own snacks She def not shy at all.

OP posts:
FlatWhiteExtraHot · 27/08/2023 16:24

You blatantly dislike her, so why do you think she should interact with you? It sounds like you’ve made no effort whatsoever to get to know her, and you’re just biding your time until your son breaks up with her.

Farmageddon · 27/08/2023 16:29

Mrspimplepopper · 27/08/2023 13:35

Does your son make dinner for everyone and do household chores and the like? Maybe your sons gf feels uncomfortable in your home thus 'hides' In his room

Hang on, he's their son, it's his home, it's not weird if they treat him more favourably than her - a totally different scenario than a stranger staying over constantly and expecting the same treatment.

She is being rude by not appreciating their hospitality.

Dontcallmescarface · 27/08/2023 16:31

My professional role involves career advice so I've tried to help her / advice to no avail. I'll bet my last £ that she didn't ask for your advice before you gave it
I'm really tired of watching this madam sponge off our family
So what should I do / say to his freeloading GF?

3 reasons why the GF doesn't want to interact with you. Maybe if you changed your attitude towards her she might do the same.

Farmageddon · 27/08/2023 16:31

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 27/08/2023 16:24

You blatantly dislike her, so why do you think she should interact with you? It sounds like you’ve made no effort whatsoever to get to know her, and you’re just biding your time until your son breaks up with her.

This is ridiculous - she is staying in their house, it's on her to make the effort to interact with them. She's being rude by not at least attempting to help out. She's treating it like her own home, which it isn't.

OP you are getting really hostile replies here - probably because you are a man complaining about a young woman's behaviour and therefore on MN somehow you will always be in the wrong.

OhComeOnFFS · 27/08/2023 16:32

I wouldn't let her stay in the house if he's not there. That's just ridiculous. One of the great things about kids getting older is that you get the house to yourself. Why should she stay at yours?

If she was pleasant and helpful and paid her way I would still not want her there when my son wasn't, but I'd put up with it a lot better than the way it is now.

Original poster
MANT · 27/08/2023 16:34

Thanks for your inputs.

What's clear is that some responses are honest well thoughtout and constructive which I appreciate others are simply jumping on the misogynist bandwagon and not at all constructive. It did make me wonder what those responses would have been had I questioned my daighters ( had I had one) lazy boyfriend ...food for thought!

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 27/08/2023 16:34

The answer to next year should be no. A reasonable opportunity to contribute to normal things when sharing a house has been given.

Shinyandnew1 · 27/08/2023 16:37

How is she in the house when he’s not there-does she have a key? Can you tell her when she arrives that he’s not there and to come
back when he is. I wouldn’t let her in!

To be honest, I’d be sitting your son down without her being there and explaining how you feel. It’s not reasonable for her to be in your house when he’s not if you don’t like it so that needs to stop.

My son expects that we should host his GF for say the entire holiday period.

What did he actually say? I would have said-she can come for the weekend/a week, but she needs to pull we weight like everyone else or she won’t be invited again.

yet expects to be served hand and foot

Again-how? What does this actually look like? If someone asked me for a drink/snack, I’d tell them to help themselves from the kitchen. What is she actually saying?

Bansheed · 27/08/2023 16:37

Just say this year as there are more adults, the house is not free, that it is x per week and there will be a rota for preparing dinners/ lunch

Acornsoup · 27/08/2023 16:39

I bet she's intimidated by you OP. I sounds like they are trying to avoid you rather than they are being rude. Especially if you are huffing about this constantly. Instead of brooding I suggest you set some firm well communicated boundaries (this can be done in a positive way:

Nobody has a guest at the holiday home for more than 7 nights unless a contribution is made towards house keeping.
Set a rota for dinner and other chores - for Everyone.
If she is not contribution DS and GF could make dinner together every 5th night (you and DW could take turns the other days).
Everyone cleans their own room.
Everyone does their own laundry.

It's the singling her out that makes you look like a misogynist. Treat everyone the same. It will be good for your boys too.

Original poster
MANT · 27/08/2023 16:40

Farmageddon · 27/08/2023 16:31

This is ridiculous - she is staying in their house, it's on her to make the effort to interact with them. She's being rude by not at least attempting to help out. She's treating it like her own home, which it isn't.

OP you are getting really hostile replies here - probably because you are a man complaining about a young woman's behaviour and therefore on MN somehow you will always be in the wrong.

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Thank you for this Farmageddon ...you,ve hit the nail on the head. I 100% agree with your response.

OP posts:
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