Son and his GF on holiday

[MANT]

My son is 20yrs old at Uni his GF of 12 months She's not at Uni or working f/t but works several pt jobs with plenty of time on her hands. My professional role involves career advice so I've tried to help her / advice to no avail. I get that it's her life her choice. However she seems to spend half her time in my home waiting for my son in his room ( something I particularly dislike ). We are not at all wealthy but extended our mortgage to buy a second home abroad where we frequently holiday close to relatives My son expects that we should host his GF for say the entire holiday period. His GF however does NOT participate in any of the household chores ( shes also 20) wakes up very late yet expects to be served hand and foot...not even a thank you gift never offers to make dinner or buy own ingredients even we caught her arguing about spending money with my son. Last year I had words with both my son and his GF and my wife and although she agrees with me rarely says anything ( she's very non confrontational). This year we only allowed his GF to say for half the holiday in our holiday home...she hasn't changed. Next year I really don't want her to attend. She rarely helps but expects a hand and foot service . Anyway I often tell both my son and his GF how we are tired of serving everyone and WE all need to participate in the house .His GF works earns money. My question is should I ask her to contribute financially or not ? I'm really tired of watching this madam sponge off our family. My wife tells me to say nothing as she feels my son will soon break up with this girl. I really want to ask her to contribute and help in the house with my son or for both of them to find a hotel elsewhere. Even today they came down collected a sandwich my wife made for them no good morning nothing and of they went with my 15 year old ( that's why my wife made them all sandwiches). So what should I do / say to his freeloading GF? Say nothing and continue to act like doormats or tell em to get on their bikes...this is the Magic question?

Singling her out? She’s not his child, why should he treat her the same? She has a job and can pay her way.

Op is fully aware of his son’s shortcomings but why should he treat her equally to his own children? Plus he already said his other son pulls his weight.

Also if she was that intimated she wouldn’t be around their house all the time or go on holiday with them surely.

She could be a bit awkward and shy. My bet is that she senses that you don't like her. I don't think that I would expect her at 20 to cook you a meal or offer to pay for food. She's your son's GF and therefore technically part of the family. Unless you expect him to pay his own way, it's pretty mean to expect her to contribute towards meals. I would expect her to have basic manners and clear up after herself/say thank you. It seems mean spirited to expect your son and her to stay in a hotel. How would that honestly go down with your son. It's clear that you've taken a dislike to her because she's not good enough for your son due to her lack of career plans or her not being at Uni. However, it's non of your business what she does and not your job to push her into a career.

Do you mansplain to the young lady much? Maybe this is why she doesn't want to interact with a know it all? Mmm?

Yes he is - he is specifically singling her out - while he waits for his DC to finish the relationship - which may never happen.

You don't like her and I'm sure she knows. Do the other DC have guests? Do they help?

When you go to PIL do they make you do special jobs because you are not family?

It is very thinly vailed misogyny. That is why your DW is distancing herself from your behaviour. Because she can see it too. Show her this post? See what she says. I am sure she wants to maintain her relationship with your DS.

Jobs are fine just communicate and then follow through with everyone.

I don’t understand what she is doing in your main home when the son isn’t present.

she would probably much more tolerable on holiday if she wasn’t spending so much time in your home.

I am not sure how this is allowed to continue. Just say: "You can't stay here if you do not contribute financially and practically - and that goes for your GF too." That is what you think, so that is what you must say. And mean it. And follow through on it.

Being son's girlfriend does not make her"technically part of the family"!
She is a visitor in your house, and if she doesn't know how to behave, then someone needs to spell it out..." Sorry you can't stay for dinner tonight, but how about Friday?" or " I've cooked ,so you two are on washing up duty". If she knocks on the door and son isn't in " Sorry, we're on our way out, I don't know what time son will be back. " And don't invite her in.
Is it possible son is getting pushed into this relationship, if she's hanging around waiting when he's out or busy?
Explain to son what the boundaries are - she can stay for dinner twice a week only, you expect her to chip in with the tidying up afterwards, and she can't stay over every night/wait in his room when he's not there. Explain you can't afford to feed her constantly, and even if you could, you'd rather spend your money on other things. Tell him you expect her to be polite and civil, and if she comes on holiday with you, she needs to pay £x for food and bills and they need to do a fair share of chores, including cooking and cleaning. You need to be upfront, clear but polite about this.

I would not ask her for money because I think she will feel even more entitled to be waited on hand and foot!
It is making your life uncomfortable so I think it’s time you said to them both that they need to either go home (from holiday house) or go to a hotel. It’s different if they’re helping out, buying some food etc.
Your home, your rules!

If she’s not happy about how people speak to her, she can spend more time in her own house, rather than in the OP’s home or holiday house then!

Why is she spending so much time in your home? (Let alone your holiday home). You do not have to enable your DS to have his GF staying overnight in your home, presumably she has her own family home?
I also have a son the same age and he has never assumed a GF can sleep over.
Juat assert your boundaries ... tell your DS that it is no longer acceptable for the GF to spend so much time in your home, if you wanted to you could say 'one/two nights maximum' but certainly no hanging around when your DS is not at home.
So many parents just make it too cushy for their adult DC ... no wonder so many never leave home ... (awaits the usual comments about sky high rents etc ... yes, I know rents are high but it's not impossible to move out).

Tell us you don't like her without telling us you don't like her.

Start by making it clear that the GF is no longer welcome in the house when DS isn't at home. Totally weird for her to turn up and sit in his bedroom. DS may be relieved if you set this boundary.

Of course she's not part of the family!

If she participated and communicated and interacted then maybe. But she doesn't so she isn't!

And both of the lazy so-and-sos need to pull their fingers out and help!

And someone who's a bit awkward and shy doesn't hang around their boyfriend's home when he isn't there.

@Oioicaptain has hit the nail on the head with this:

”You need to be upfront, clear but polite about this.”

Put your big boys pants on and lay some strong boundaries.

She is not to stay in your boy’s room waiting for him when he is not there.

No more coming on holiday with you apart from one week of the duration.

I think you’ll be surprised how they might accept the rules. If your son kicks off, let him. Your house, home & family life, your rules.

Go on! Just do it!

I don't see misogyny

I see two rude, entitled kids who the OP and his wife have allowed to behave badly in their homes.

Explain to your son it's a family holiday and as his girlfriend doesn't participate or contribute in any way, there's no room for her. Tell him she drains energy from the room and you want a family break without her.

Communication is key, I would defiantly just sit them both down and set some boundaries on how you expect people to behave in your home and muck in with the chores

You have a wife and son issue.

You cannot expect the gf to change if they’re allowing and encouraging her behaviour.

Your wife should not be making her sandwiches and the gf should not be waiting in his room when he’s not there.

I think your wife is too worried about upsetting your son to make any changes or put her foot down.
So I would speak to your son and try and make him see how it’s not fair on you and your wife to feed and cater to another person.

If it doesn’t work then I would take a complete backseat and let your wife do whatever she wants for the girl.
She will tire of it soon enough and then it will be up to her to try and solve it.

I do think this is a good idea as you are not going to be able to relax when she is there.

Presumably if you tell DS she isn't welcome next year, he won't come either. So I guess that's your choice.

However they're all old enough to be told "you're cooking tomorrow" and if they don't, you take your wife out for dinner and leave them. If they want lunch or bfast it's self service, etc.
If DS isn't paying towards food then I wouldn't charge the gf personally but I don't think you can expect more of her than him.

This girl sounds just like my 20 year old daughter. She's very immature and needs to grow up.

@MANT There was a very similar thread on here quite a while ago but from a Mum. If anyone can find the link you may find it useful.

I am not clear on a couple of things, does the GF live with you or does she have her own home? How many nights is she staying over? If she has her own home, the poster I referred to made it clear the GF could only stay over x nights each week and in particular could not stay on a Sunday night.

You state she spends time in his room waiting for him. Can you clarify is he out of the house at uni and she is sat in his room? If so, it is reasonable to say she can only be in your home if he is there. Be reasonable, if he has popped out to the shops fine, but not hours on end.

Your DS is 20, if he was in halls or rented accommodation he would have to do his own washing, cleaning, buying food, making meals, washing up etc. It is not unreasonable to expect him to do some of this e.g. he does their washing, keeps his room tidy and possibly makes one or two evening meals for the family (you providing food is not unreasonable as he is a student) and does the washing up one or two nights.

WRT the holiday for next year. Once you are back home have a conversation with your DS and set out the behaviours you expect from him. Explain if there is not a consistent stepping up his GF will not be welcome on holiday next year, point out it’s you holiday too and him expecting you and your wife to wait on him is not acceptable.

I agree with @DelphiniumBlue.

A 20 year old girlfriend is most definitely not "technically part of the family". The home we re talking about here is the OPs and his wife's, and while it is still their DS family home, as a young adult he will be reasonably expected to make a contribution to the running of the home, both practical and financial (if he is in a position to do so, it doesn't sound like he is earning yet). He is not a baby, and the parents need to prepare him for adult life.

If this is true for him, then how much more is it true for the GF. She certainly does not acquire squatters rights by virtue of being the son's current interest. She needs to be mindful that she is a guest while she is in OP's home, she needs to fit in and to be sensitive to the fact that sometimes they want their space to themselves. She certainly doesn't get to be accommodated, fed and waited on ad infinitum.It is not a drop in centre.

OP, I agree you both need to address this issue via your son, he needs pulling up on this. Them both arriving, picking up food prepared for them and then departing without a word is the height of rudeness, and I would have called them out on it. You and your DW need to be on the same page.

YANBU, but do not underestimate your son's role in this. She is taking his lead, time to bring in some boundaries.

I think the only thing you can do is tell your son that she is his guest not yours.

From now on he must host her. It’s up to him how much help he wants from her.

You and your wife can step right back. Even your 15 year old can make his own sandwiches.

i have done a lot of hosting and entertaining. I have found the better you are at it and the more you do, some people just switch off and sit around like kings and queens expecting every thing to be done for them.

By expecting more of your son it’s possible the GF will pick up her game.
At this age they can be so self involved, hints just fall on deaf ears.

I’d start putting notices on the fridge, new house rules, and cooking rotas for joint meals.

Thank you for alot of rhe helpful advice which we will act on.I agree its my sons responsibility to host his GF and yes we have been far too accommodating. We came our of locwn he'd spent his Alevels and first year of Uni in and out of lockdown. My son is a very popular uni undergraduate really involved in sports at Uni and out of Unis his GF lives I another city but stops over alot and often waitszaround for him to turn up from his Uni and sports activities. She us very u busy which is exactly why I offered to help her She also doesn't nor have any friends ( sonmy son tells me).