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Original poster

Son and his GF on holiday

78 replies

MANT · 27/08/2023 13:16

My son is 20yrs old at Uni his GF of 12 months She's not at Uni or working f/t but works several pt jobs with plenty of time on her hands. My professional role involves career advice so I've tried to help her / advice to no avail. I get that it's her life her choice. However she seems to spend half her time in my home waiting for my son in his room ( something I particularly dislike ). We are not at all wealthy but extended our mortgage to buy a second home abroad where we frequently holiday close to relatives My son expects that we should host his GF for say the entire holiday period. His GF however does NOT participate in any of the household chores ( shes also 20) wakes up very late yet expects to be served hand and foot...not even a thank you gift never offers to make dinner or buy own ingredients even we caught her arguing about spending money with my son. Last year I had words with both my son and his GF and my wife and although she agrees with me rarely says anything ( she's very non confrontational). This year we only allowed his GF to say for half the holiday in our holiday home...she hasn't changed. Next year I really don't want her to attend. She rarely helps but expects a hand and foot service . Anyway I often tell both my son and his GF how we are tired of serving everyone and WE all need to participate in the house .His GF works earns money. My question is should I ask her to contribute financially or not ? I'm really tired of watching this madam sponge off our family. My wife tells me to say nothing as she feels my son will soon break up with this girl. I really want to ask her to contribute and help in the house with my son or for both of them to find a hotel elsewhere. Even today they came down collected a sandwich my wife made for them no good morning nothing and of they went with my 15 year old ( that's why my wife made them all sandwiches). So what should I do / say to his freeloading GF? Say nothing and continue to act like doormats or tell em to get on their bikes...this is the Magic question?

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 27/08/2023 20:31

Yeah that would drive me bananas as well!
But you need to tread a careful line here ban her completely and its more likely to go the otherway of her saying to your son see they don't like me etc and if he cares enough for her then he's more likely to start avoiding you guys!

The middle ground might be next year if they are still together then sit down with everyone at the start and draw up a rota with them all. No you shouldn't have to and yes it is disrespectful her current behaviour but it's probably the middle ground which doesn't force your son out.

LucifersPain · 27/08/2023 21:09

OP, I think you sound like a mean tight-arsed condescending dick to be honest. She is a guest and you think it’s appropriate to ask her to do chores and buy food? Sorry, if it was my child’s BF or GF I would never be so ghastly.

She is not a fuckin lodger - but it sounds like you want her to behave like one.

You really sound like a “this is my house, so my rules” kind of arse. Well actually it’s your son’s home as much as yours, he should be allowed to have his partner there without you thinking they are a sponge imho.

PerspiringElizabeth · 27/08/2023 21:16

I'm really tired of watching this madam sponge off our family.

Bloody hell, aren’t you a peach… perplexes me that you edited your OP but didn’t think to remove that line… wow. You sound like a sour little penny pinching misery tbh.

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Families
Acornsoup · 27/08/2023 21:24

It's speaks volumes that the DW will not get involved.

Hawkins0090 · 27/08/2023 21:28

I guess there's two options, keep fighting each battle and potentially push your son away from you, or wait keep the peace and if the relationship goes nuclear, then in theory you'll have peace with your son ? @MANT

Oioicaptain · 27/08/2023 21:29

But they have been dating for 12 months and she is around a lot so she is more than a visitor, esp hanging out at the house etc. If their relationship continues then at some point she could well end up within the family. My in-laws were very welcoming and treated me like family when I started dating their son at 18. It certainly made things easier and paved the way for a better relationship when we married and had children. If you're going to just treat her as a visitor, then it's also awkward for your son. I can't help but notice that the OP doesn't seem to genuinely want advice in any respect. He only wishes to listen to those who confirm his view point and diminishes those who disagree with him.

Ragwort · 27/08/2023 21:34

Lucifer very odd attitude to say 'it's the son's home as much as your's', yes of course it's his home but he clearly doesn't have the responsibility of the mortgage, upkeep, cleaning, shopping, cooking, maintenance etc etc and can't just assume that he can invite someone else to live there with him? Hmm. It's the family home not some student house share that you can invite any GF/BF back to share your bed ....

Acornsoup · 27/08/2023 21:36

He's looking for agreement that's she's a lazy madam, not good enough, and corrupting his DS. She sounds like a normal 20yo to me, following BF lead in his own home.

HamBone · 27/08/2023 21:45

So she lives in another city but visits your DS regularly ( and presumably stays for several days then)?

They need to start dividing their time between both their homes and certainly not expect you/your wife to regularly cook and clean for them. Different scenario, but my DD (18) recently stayed with a relative for 10 days and she’d bought ingredients and cooked a couple of meals for them as a thank-you.

They both sound entitled and it’ll continue if you don’t say something now.

hot2trotter · 27/08/2023 21:46

I think she's just copying what your son does tbh - he's setting that example to her. I also think she knows you don't like her (or approve of her only working part time, by the looks of it).
That being said, I wouldn't have her in my home sat upstairs waiting when my son isn't here. Bit weird that.

Original poster
MANT · 27/08/2023 22:18

I do take on constructive advice and that includes advice that informs me to act in a different manner. Yes ofcourse we all like to hear folk with similar takes and attitudes to our own The rude responses I have ignored... clearly from ignorant posters who can but only throw verbal abuse against something they disagree with.To those I say you need to improve your communication skills. To the rest thank you

OP posts:
FlatWhiteExtraHot · 28/08/2023 05:38

Coming on a site mostly comprised of women and telling us we are misogynistic and ignorant and mansplaining to us doesn’t really help your cause very much.

If you speak to your possible future DIL with the same attitude you’re displaying here, you will alienate both her and your son.

strawberry2017 · 28/08/2023 06:54

If you were a mum posting about a daughtersBF you would be getting more support.
She is living there she needs to contribute.
I would never dream of behaving like this in someone's house who was gracious enough to let me stay so much.
Stop doing so much for both of them. Have a conversation with them both and say If things don't change then she can no longer stay next summer.

Cattlepillar · 28/08/2023 07:01

Just tell them to help. You have to be really specific, like they're toddlers. When you're on holiday say "right, DS and gf, you're cooking tonight" or "right, we cooked so DS and gf you tidy up". It's not hard. If they refuse then don't invite them back. Not the same situation but my BIL has a very lazy gf. Long story short they're not welcome to stay at our house anymore. Whether they'll be welcome back at BIL's parents remains to be seen...

Cattlepillar · 28/08/2023 07:03

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 28/08/2023 05:38

Coming on a site mostly comprised of women and telling us we are misogynistic and ignorant and mansplaining to us doesn’t really help your cause very much.

If you speak to your possible future DIL with the same attitude you’re displaying here, you will alienate both her and your son.

100% this. There's really no need to shove the fact that you're a man into everything (including your username!) either.

Nelliedeancomesclean · 28/08/2023 07:21

This is a ridiculous situation.

OP, as others have said, you need to put on your big-boy pants and set some ground rules.

If DS isn't there she doesn't come in, she comes back later.

I don't understand why she is waiting for him in his room? Doesn't he tell her when he'll be home? She's not a GF she's a limpet with abandonment issues IMO.

Your DS should be graduating soon. What will she do if he gets a job working away from home? Does she plan to follow him all over the UK like a groupie?

He's an adult at an age when he should be planning his working future and getting a foothold in a career. He doesn't need this 'hanger-on' holding him back.

Time for a serious talk with him methinks.

Redebs · 28/08/2023 07:29

This is a time limited situation and I think you need to just go with it for a while.

Very soon your son will be moving out and you won't be seeing much of him. At the moment, he is in a halfway situation of being at home, but also being with his girlfriend. It's quite common for young people to be at their most frustrating during this period; it's almost a necessary step to be as annoying as they can, so that by the time he leaves, it's a relief as well as a loss.

Your job is not to judge them or give life and career advice. This is going to make things worse. You are allowed to be grumpy, but keep the comments to yourself; don't expect money or contributions to your household right now. She is a guest in your son's eyes. While she may be about as welcome as a cat's gift of a dead bird, the fact that your son is comfortable bringing her into the family, shows that he is secure and confident with you.

Family holidays for you are no longer parents and kids. Very soon the dynamics will change drastically and you will be free to holiday without your children.

And you will miss him.

Autieangel · 28/08/2023 07:39

I wouldn't want his girlfriend there when he's not there. She doesn't need to be in your house. With regard to chores I'd give him a number and suggest he and gf do them together.

Moveoverdarlin · 28/08/2023 07:48

Think you just need to be more direct, so with the sandwich incident you or your wife should have said ‘Right you two, I’ve made DS15 a quick sandwich, Jack (lazy son) there’s bread and ham there so you make you and Emily (lazy girlfriend) some lunch please, don’t think I’m waiting on you two lumps day and night this holiday ha ha, you’ll run me ragged.’

The next day ‘Ooh Emily, can you do me a favour and run down to the shop for me and get some lunch bits? I’ll do a list, you lot are eating us out of house and home.’ If she has the audacity to ask for money, there is your opportunity to say ‘well I thought you wouldn’t mind getting it, as it’s costing us a fortune to keep us all going here and at home. Me and Mum have genuinely thought about asking for a little bit of rent so spending £50 at the supermarket on holiday seems like a good deal in return for a free holiday with all good and drink included.

At age 20 some kids have no idea what it costs or the work involved for caring for a family, I think you need to be blunt in a more ‘come on you lazy bastards, your turn, type way.’

ghostofchristmasfuture · 28/08/2023 07:49

Lol I wouldn't expect a 20 year old to cook my dinner, judging from the awful food my friends and I would cook at that age.

crossstitchingnana · 28/08/2023 07:51

Our dd's bf waits in her bedroom for her when she's not here, but we have known him for years and get on well with him. He is respectful and helps out, big time. Lovely lad. My dd does help, but not as much as she knows she can get away with doing less (I think most kids do!!) He seems to care about ingratiating himself and is keen to be liked.

Nelliedeancomesclean · 28/08/2023 07:51

How old is this limpet girlfriend? Did I miss that?

FoodFann · 28/08/2023 08:58

I’d give them a couple of months notice to get on their bikes. They can go and find their own little bedsit or something.

Original poster
MANT · 28/08/2023 09:23

Lots of good advice which again I thank you for.
Next year things will definitely change and we will set very clear guidelines. We are welcoming parents never rude to his GF but its got too far. I definitely think we allowed this to develop as a result of the pandemic and the lockdowns which happened as our eldest son entered his sixth form.

My username has nothing to do with my gender

Thank you

OP posts:
Bellyblueboy · 28/08/2023 10:07

At the end of the day it’s your home (both homes are) and you need to be clear on house rules.

of this madam and your little prince come on holiday they do their fair share of the cooking and cleaning. They are adults. So rota meals. Amounts all adults on holiday. Explain you need a contribution for groceries from all adults.

when it’s your home decide what level
of hospitality you are willing to offer. Let’s say on evening meal a week. And she can only visit when your son is home. If they have snacks they clean up after themselves.

do they not spent time at her parents? I wonder is there a thread here where some poor parent is also complaining about your son😂. They both need to grow up.

be clear - house rules are the answer.

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