Fed up of friend and her "mental helath"

[ciaoio]

My friend is 37 and lives with her mum,she hasn't had a job and her mum suffers from agoraphobia.
My friend at college used to love going out,going on trips but now she barely leaves the house.
She goes to the corner shop daily and that's it.
She's basically turned into her mum.
I've tried over the years to help but she won't get therapy or take medication but is so bitter towards the world and me.
She's said and done some nasty things over the years.
I've met someone and we like to travel and go out and she hates it.
She's sent me lots of messages "living the high life,must be nice"
"Oh I see your on holiday AGAIN -if it wasn't for my mental health I would of had a million holidays by now"
She constantly posts quotes about people being awful and how she is a empath and nobody understands her pure heart
Etc etc
She never likes anything I post on Facebook regarding holidays etc
She used to love when I was single and unhappy but now I'm happy it's like she hates it
Every day I get bitter texts about someone
She hates seeing anyone happy
If we talk I'm scared to tell her anything positive incase it sets her off into a outburst

She has turned into her mum but won't change it.
What do I do?
I'm drained of the daily texts about her mental health
This has gone on for over 10 years now

It would be a kindness to give the gift of feedback on her massively unhelpful thinking patterns.

Then bin her.

Maybe it's time to cut the friendship. You don't owe her anything and it doesn't sound like you are getting much pleasure out of being friends with her. Eventually she will bring you down too . But her mental health isn't your fault and you need to put your own first.

Sounds like she's just jealous?
You & her aren't compatible as friends anymore, you don't need the negativity. Just fizzle it out.

Well she wouldn’t be my friend that’s for sure. Self indulgent madam.

I had a friend exactly like this. Notice I said HAD, cutting her out my life is one of the best decisions I ever made. Free yourself from her negativity OP, you'll feel a weight lift!

You have mental health too. And I'm sure part of safeguarding ALL of our mental health is choosing who to be around and having boundaries.

There is no friendship, op, and you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I would end the relationship and tell her exactly why.

It sounds like you’ve done what you could to try and help her. Have you considered cutting contact? She’s unwell but if she refuses help, there’s not much you can do. Don’t let her drag you down.

Easy solution, end the friendship. Having friends should bring you joy, and not suck the life out of you!

The first thing I'd do is adjust your settings on Facebook. Place her in the acquaintance category and set holiday posts and days out to friends except acquaintances. She will never see your happy posts again and you wont have to deal with comments.

I'd consider ending the friendship. She doesn't want to socialise and has made no attempt to get help.

She isn't happy, she isn't happy that you're happy. She wants to see you miserable by the sound of it.

I'd just start ignoring the texts and if she questions it say you have run out of things to say to the same old stuff you hear daily.

Take it from there.

Don’t respond to every text. Just respond once a day.

Don’t let her make you feel guilty about having a normal life.

if you feel generous, try sending her details of organisations that can help her, encourage visits to the gp again. If this fails,maybe be blunt and say to her that if she wants a holiday, she needs to contact xyz to get therapy, and if she doesn’t try, then you don’t to hear her moaning. Then withdraw gradually.

You’re not responsible for her. Give yourself permission to withdraw from this friendship.

She's abusive, it's makes her happy to see someone as miserable as she is. Bin her.

I could deal with the mental health stuff, the misery, and the constant whining, but the fact she uses "would of" is stepping across my line in the sand.

I would text her saying:
It is clear from your mesages that my current lifestyle is having a detrimental effect on your mental health, therefore i think its best we go our seperate ways. All the best.

Hate people using their mental health to make people feel shit.

I agree you can't continue this friendship, it is not helping either of you, you're the dumping ground for her pain. But this is just a cycle round and round, your dynamic only works when you conceal any joy and occupy her misery with her, and no way out of her pain will ever be found down that road.

If you were feeling generous you might try to have one last attempt to help before you go.
Compassion isn't always about validating someone's unhealthy choices, sometimes it includes constructive feedback. No judgement but no enablement either.

So, letting her know that you're sure it is hard to be the way she is, and her mum's influence must have been a powerful factor.. but the road to a better life is not to hate others but to work out how to get out of the situation and slowly take healing steps, with help if you can find it.
To always pull down a friend, who is one of the few who has always stuck by her, by complaining when they have something nice, is self sabotage at its finest.

She’s hiding behind her mental health frankly. If she’s envious of others she needs to figure out how she can get there too and not just meekly accept that this is her lot.

I agree that it would be a kindness to give her your reasons and pov and then back away. Mental health issues are so difficult and complex but it ultimately comes down to the person themselves. No one can change their mind set for them.

...... "I'm sorry you're so unhappy and that everything I say and do. makes you feel worse. Let's cool it for a while and reconnect when you're feeling more positive about your life and friendships. Wishing you all the best" .....

Agree i would just ignore the bitter messages they are sent to get a recaction

I could have written this myself about my friend. Feeling like you can't say anything positive as the pity party will start. Yet you're never allowed to mention anything you're annoyed or upset by because they have it way worse than you. Everyone will say to walk away, but it's hard when you have known them a long time.

You're not her friend so stop associating with her. It is unhealthy for you to prolong this relationship as you do not like or respect her. What she does is her affair, what you do is yours. I think once you're posting like this about someone it's a sign you need to let the relationship go.

Block her

Some people are radiators. They give out warmth, interest, positivity, even if they're not necessarily feeling it.

Some people are drains. They suck all the joy out of the world, complaining, moaning, bringing everyone down.

Sadly, she has been a victim of her mum's drain tendencies and doesnt do anything to turn herself round.

You don't want this to happen to you in turn.

I'd send a frank message saying you're concerned about her, she's obviously aware she has mental health issues and needs qualified help. Suggest she go to a GP, maybe seek some therapy. If she is clinically depressed there may be help there. Stress it's important she does some self care.

But it looks like she may be very difficult to help in her situation. She has to want to get out of it instead of wallowing in and moaning about it, blaming it and resenting you your life. It's obviously having a negative effect on you and you don't need it.

Incidentally, she isn't a friend - she's an acquaintance. There's a difference. Stop resenting that she doesn't like your stuff on Facebook. Stop looking at and responding to her messages. Maybe check in every so often - and repeat your message, refusing to be drawn down her drain.

Parky04 · Today 10:18
Easy solution, end the friendship. Having friends should bring you joy, and not suck the life out of you”

This.

She's not a friend, she's a bad habit.

She gives nothing back and just dumps her toxic emotions on you. She's not going to respond to any positive suggestions on improving her quality of life. It has to come from her, and she's too deep in, too long to make any major changes in the near future. And what incentive does she have to change when she can use you as a dump to validate how rotten she feels.

Friendships can continue through poor mental health, but sometimes you do get someone who will not stop until they've pulled you down.

Walk away and block.
You could send a parting message if that makes you feel better, but whatever you do will be the worst from her mindset anyway. She doesn't care about your feelings do don't damage yourself by worrying about hers any more.

Honestly, cut her off. Either slow fade or block.

I'm saying that as someone diagnosed with several mental health issues (bipolar II, GAD and OCD).

I work full time, have a mortgage etc with difficulty but I try to have as normal a life as possible. I go to therapy and I tried a lot of medications in the past. As a result, I've been in remission for years.

If she doesn't want to actively try to get better, don't let her drag you down. Misery loves company.