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Original poster

Fed up of friend and her "mental helath"

66 replies

ciaoio · 25/08/2023 10:10

My friend is 37 and lives with her mum,she hasn't had a job and her mum suffers from agoraphobia.
My friend at college used to love going out,going on trips but now she barely leaves the house.
She goes to the corner shop daily and that's it.
She's basically turned into her mum.
I've tried over the years to help but she won't get therapy or take medication but is so bitter towards the world and me.
She's said and done some nasty things over the years.
I've met someone and we like to travel and go out and she hates it.
She's sent me lots of messages "living the high life,must be nice"
"Oh I see your on holiday AGAIN -if it wasn't for my mental health I would of had a million holidays by now"
She constantly posts quotes about people being awful and how she is a empath and nobody understands her pure heart
Etc etc
She never likes anything I post on Facebook regarding holidays etc
She used to love when I was single and unhappy but now I'm happy it's like she hates it
Every day I get bitter texts about someone
She hates seeing anyone happy
If we talk I'm scared to tell her anything positive incase it sets her off into a outburst

She has turned into her mum but won't change it.
What do I do?
I'm drained of the daily texts about her mental health
This has gone on for over 10 years now

OP posts:
knobkopf · 25/08/2023 12:01

I would put her on my restricted list on facebook immediately. Go to her profile and click on where it says friends, then to edit friends list and then click restricted list. This means she won't see anymore of your posts.

Then decide what you want to do about the rest of it. I'd have to phase her out. I couldn't cope with that. It's one thing to have mental health problems (which she obviously does) and many people won't/can't seek help but there is absolutely no need for her nastiest towards you. I can't believe you have put up with it for 10 years.
The very next time she says anything unpleasant I suggest you call her out on it and say you won't tolerate these unpleasant comments anymore. Say that you have tried to help her with her mental health but she won't help herself by seeking medical help and so unfortunately, you cannot help her any further.
And then I'd just ignore her. Block her if she starts to get abusive or aggressive in messages.

MariaAshley · 25/08/2023 12:09

Wow, you've put up with this shite for 10yrs?! 😳🏅

She's not your friend. She's a bitter, jealous, toxic mum-clone and she doesn't like you or anyone else. Block, delete and never visit her again. I'd go so far as to cross the street to avoid her.

This has nothing to do with her mental health and everything to do with the sort of person she is. Her and her mum probably sits around all day feeding off each other's negativity. She'll never, ever change until she moves out and gets away from the drip drip of bitterness spewing from her mum, who has probably been putting her down for years and telling her she's mentally ill so she doesn't move out and leave lonely mum on her own without a carer. I had a similar, but not quite so awful, friend and once I met her mum I could see exactly where the negativity came from.

I wasn't getting the bitchy texts but lengthy moaning phone calls about everything and a total refusal to take responsibility for her own life or make any changes. She was always nice to me, phone calls excepted, and happy for other's good news. Unfortunately it got worse over time, with the calls becoming more frequent and the drama over small things more ridiculous. After 15yrs of watching her life shrink smaller and smaller while she refused to do anything about it, I started to feel sick at the thought of the phone calls one day in the future when her mum dies. It was clear they were still joined by the cord! When I moved country I took the opportunity to end the friendship due to distance. The relief was immense and I wished I'd done it years before.

My friend made a comment once about how she didn't want to grow up, which I found really odd. She was 40 at the time! Is your frienemy maybe feeling the same OP?

116a · 25/08/2023 12:10

My auntie is like this. She's turned into a miserable old hag. She lashes out now and just hints and digs at every nice thing. She's never worked a day in her life, she sits indoors smokes 40 fags a day and her daughter my cousin is doing the exact same thing. I often got 'must be nice to drive a nice car let alone to drive at all' so I blocked her. It was driving me insane as she has no idea the struggle we'd had the last few years. I was diagnosed own cancer so had lots of time off work for surgeries and treatment and she still would say 'at least you've got a nice car / home' etc. we nearly lost everything due to going down to one income and she sits comfortably in a flat that's paid for with thousands of pounds of benefits.

I gave her a piece of my mind and blocked her. She was a fan of sharing these empath bollocks on Facebook. She even counts how many people wish her happy birthday. It's bloody tragic. Let them be. They won't change.

Original poster
ciaoio · 25/08/2023 12:25

Thankyou I was worried people would think I was coming across as mean.
Honestly I've had my fair share of bad times,my mum died when I was 15.
I had years being a carer to my grandad with dementia which was so hard and now finally i have my life and am happy she's trying to make me feel bad about it
It would of been so easy for me to just lock myself away but I wanted a nice life
I'm sure her mum has made her this way or at least not helped
This is her normal

OP posts:
Cowlover89 · 25/08/2023 12:27

Cut the friendship

OriginalUsername2 · 25/08/2023 12:32

The test of a true friend is they’re happy for you to be happy. This isn’t a friend.

LoveStHelier · 25/08/2023 12:35

Ghost and block her. For your own sanity!

coffeeisthebest · 25/08/2023 12:43

I ended a friendship like this. She also thought she was 'right' in her distorted, bitter view of the world and that everyone else was just treating her badly. She then withdrew her child from school as she thought school were against her and this was the beginning of the end for me. Her poor child is growing up probably to end up just like your friend. My friend said she didn't need anyone in her life yet also wanted to speak to me constantly and got silently upset if I dared to view life differently and state my opinion. I was dealing with a lot of my own anxiety at the time and I decided our relationship was just miserable for us both so I walked away. I miss her child very much and I hope that she is ok.

Tara336 · 25/08/2023 12:48

I had a friend like this, she's out of my life now thankfully. When I was having a very tough time, she was great, full of care and sympathy and I thought how lucky I was to have such amazing support. Then when my life started getting back on track, I bought a new home, left exh etc suddenly she started drifting away. I couldn't understand what the problem was and she said it was her MH. I bought another home, with now DH and she drifted further and contact got even less. When I got engaged to DH she didn't congratulate me just said "why not just live together and not make another mistake?" Just before my wedding she blocked me on FB etc and I was fine with that but what I realised was she didn't like to see me happy, she much preferred it when she could feel "superior" to me. The better my life got the less she was interested. Some people are just worth avoiding, she was one of them.

I think honestly while I was struggling she kind of liked it, she would tell tales of how awful her DH was, how abusive, how her family wanted her to stay as he had money, how he said he would hide it all if she left, personally I think it was all a load of BS. The poor me act was a little wearing but I always tried to be supportive as she had been to me, but I realise now it was also little bragging about how awful to go on holiday with her DH, how awful she had nothing to do but decorate her home over and over (when I was having to move regularly as we were renting and landlords kept taking house back).

Be wise bin this "friend" off you'll feel better for it

CosyCoffee · 25/08/2023 13:01

OP I already posted up thread but wanted to add something. My shedding of my 'friend' came about after I'd managed to improve my self esteem and confidence and processed traumas in my past. I read and listened to a lot of podcasts and books around this and got into mindfulness. I realise now that my low self esteem attracted friends and partners like this, who treated me badly, because subconsciously I felt I deserved them. I'd met my 'friend' when I was having a very bad time at 13. I attracted other bad friends since who I have also managed to jettison.

This may not be at all relevant to your situation OP, but if it is, and you recognise what I'm describing, I urge you to start doing some work on your self esteem. You deserve supportive, kind, loving friends who only want the best for you. Flowers

Fallingthroughclouds · 25/08/2023 13:02

This isn't about her mental health. It's about her being unpleasant. She can be depressed as hell without be mean.

OhLookIveChangedMyNameAgain · 25/08/2023 13:08

When I saw your thread title I was expecting to be telling you that I thought you were being unreasonable, but bloody hell, no, she sounds like a nightmare. You need to distance yourself and move on with your life. I have MH illness , but I take my medication and actively helped make myself better.
Its awful of her to make you feel bad for enjoying your life. I agree with pp, it’s less about her MH and more about her character. She doesn’t sound pleasant at all.

gamerchick · 25/08/2023 13:10

If you're thinking about cutting her off. Would it hurt if you told her a few home truths about being a passenger in her own life and the only person who can change shit is her?

It might hit home. I'd expect a kick up the arse from a close friend if I really needed one.

truthhurts23 · 25/08/2023 13:13

coming from someone who struggles with mental health , bin her
its not an excuse to lash out or be unkind to others, she sounds like shes having a rough time but that is not your responsibility
if she asks why you dont talk to her tell her the truth

Isolated17 · 25/08/2023 13:14

CosyCoffee · 25/08/2023 13:01

OP I already posted up thread but wanted to add something. My shedding of my 'friend' came about after I'd managed to improve my self esteem and confidence and processed traumas in my past. I read and listened to a lot of podcasts and books around this and got into mindfulness. I realise now that my low self esteem attracted friends and partners like this, who treated me badly, because subconsciously I felt I deserved them. I'd met my 'friend' when I was having a very bad time at 13. I attracted other bad friends since who I have also managed to jettison.

This may not be at all relevant to your situation OP, but if it is, and you recognise what I'm describing, I urge you to start doing some work on your self esteem. You deserve supportive, kind, loving friends who only want the best for you. Flowers

Similarly, I lost several friends after I started going to therapy and my boundaries improved. She said that's normal.

I mean 5 - 10 people, including some I thought were close.

Another factor is my salary rapidly increased. I'd gone from being low paid to high paid. I didn't brag about it, but once people realised I'd progressed in career the little digs started. I'd walk away from spending time with a friend thinking "Wait... do they hate me now?"

FictionalCharacter · 25/08/2023 13:18

Toadsnotfrogs · 25/08/2023 10:14

It would be a kindness to give the gift of feedback on her massively unhelpful thinking patterns.

Then bin her.

This sums it up. You can suggest that she does something to help herself. But she's not a friend to you and your life will be improved if you drop her.

Proudgypsy · 25/08/2023 13:22

Fuck that. Just stop responding.

iDontBelieveAnyOfYou · 25/08/2023 13:23

You sound delightful. I think she'd be happier without you in her life.

CosyCoffee · 25/08/2023 13:28

iDontBelieveAnyOfYou · 25/08/2023 13:23

You sound delightful. I think she'd be happier without you in her life.

Uh-oh I think OP's 'friend' has found the thread!

Cornettoninja · 25/08/2023 13:29

@coffeeisthebest that poor child, you were in an impossible situation though. Here’s hoping she has a specular period of rebellion against her mother.

I think she'd be happier without you in her life

Thats win win then isn’t it? OP is happier and her friend is happier.

MH issues aren’t a licence for expecting people to put up with harmful bullshit without limits.

Pudmyboy · 25/08/2023 13:43

Askingforadvice78 · 25/08/2023 10:17

You have mental health too. And I'm sure part of safeguarding ALL of our mental health is choosing who to be around and having boundaries.

This is an excellent post!

Usernamen · 25/08/2023 13:46

I’m sorry but how have you let this go on for 10 YEARS?

I have a one strike policy on this kind of toxic, bringing-others-down behaviour. No way would I continuously tolerate it.

Time to cut the friendship.

Peony654 · 25/08/2023 13:58

She's not a friend. Either be upfront with her and cut the friendship, or just stop replying/interacting with her. I presume you don't see her in person if she doesn't leave the house. I'm very pro supporting friends but they need to be trying to helpful themselves first.

Isheabastard · 25/08/2023 14:08

If you don’t want to block her or give her your honest feedback, I’d be tempted to reply to her texts with ‘helpful’ quotes. Mostly the trite ones all over the internet. Or books like Live Laugh Love (or is it Prayer). Or suggest she do the 3 things she’s grateful for Every Day.

Some of these can be really useful if you actively want to get better, but she obviously doesn’t.

She obviously has mental health issues, but you can’t help her if she won’t help herself.

Magnoliainbloom · 25/08/2023 14:13

You sound like a very kind, empathetic, and giving person who doesn’t have boundaries. You shouldn’t feel guilt. Time to cut the cord and devote your energy to yourself and the people who appreciate you.

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