Fed up of friend and her "mental helath"

[ciaoio]

My friend is 37 and lives with her mum,she hasn't had a job and her mum suffers from agoraphobia.
My friend at college used to love going out,going on trips but now she barely leaves the house.
She goes to the corner shop daily and that's it.
She's basically turned into her mum.
I've tried over the years to help but she won't get therapy or take medication but is so bitter towards the world and me.
She's said and done some nasty things over the years.
I've met someone and we like to travel and go out and she hates it.
She's sent me lots of messages "living the high life,must be nice"
"Oh I see your on holiday AGAIN -if it wasn't for my mental health I would of had a million holidays by now"
She constantly posts quotes about people being awful and how she is a empath and nobody understands her pure heart
Etc etc
She never likes anything I post on Facebook regarding holidays etc
She used to love when I was single and unhappy but now I'm happy it's like she hates it
Every day I get bitter texts about someone
She hates seeing anyone happy
If we talk I'm scared to tell her anything positive incase it sets her off into a outburst

She has turned into her mum but won't change it.
What do I do?
I'm drained of the daily texts about her mental health
This has gone on for over 10 years now

You sound like you've got such a wonderful heart to put up with this for so long, so be proud if this, but dont feel obliged to continue. I guess you've got 3 main choices.

1. keep the status quo. Carry on with the pattern of you moving on with your life, and her taking the shine off of anything good that you do. You will resent your friend and it could impact your mental health having someone who wants you brought to their low level of zest for life and self-esteem so close. If you choose this option (albeit by default of not choosing another) be aware and gloss over messages she sends so it doesn't leave you feeling guilty.

2. confront her. - is she likely to change? Make her understand how her negative thoughts and jealousy are causing you to feel guilty and embarrassed. Support her to seek help/ distance her from her mum?

3). Gradually respond less to negative texts and only to positive. Don't give into her crave for attention. If that means you drift apart, so be it

Whichever option you go for (or others), you sound such a wonderful and compassionate person. But remember, though compassion for others is important, compassion for yourself is just as important (more so). Do not feel guilty in whatever you do. And enjoy living your full, well-rounded and positive life without feeling the need to rescue others. I wish you so much happiness. :-)

She's so miserable and depressed about her own life that she's incapable of feeling happiness for others as their happiness just makes her reflect on the lack of this in her own life.

She's clearly unwell. No one is this self-destructive without serious issues.

I feel sorry for her. But that doesn't mean you are obliged to be her friend.

OP, do you still want this person in your life? If not, could you say something like:

"I'm sorry but I feel that we've drifted apart over the years and think it's best we go our separate ways. I hope that you get the support you need (GP, the mental health charity Mind) to get your life back on track, and wish you all the best."

I think you'll need to slow fade (read about 'grey rock') or just abruptly block next time she makes a petty comment.

If you explain it to her directly she'll milk and drag it out. Dramatic types do.

Next time she sends some bitter, unpleasant text, reply: "Do you feel better now?".

It intrigues me that people like the OP's friend manage to get through life with seemingly no pressures the rest of us have, you know like, er, getting a job to pay for stuff.

If I lost my job I'd get £84.80 JSA (which is taxed) and would have to show evidence of efforts to get a job every week. After 6 months I'd get £0.

Is "mental health" the new bad back?

I can't see how sitting at home being bored and not going anywhere or doing anything other than posting snide remarks on social media will make MH better.

I had a ‘friend’ like this, she would moan that every one of her friends (all much younger including myself as she refused to accept her own age and considered women her own age “old”) met someone and settled down and dropped her and I too would do this just like the others. She didn’t realise that it wasn’t that at all, I didn’t mind having a single or older friend, it was just that she was crushingly negative, stuck in the past, and always a downer. It was exhausting. She would often have highly successful first dates, but after a second date there was never a third. I’m pretty sure it’s because she was sparkly and witty and lovely on the first date which was there on occasion and was lovely, but the negativity would creep in on the second and they’d think no thanks. She just could not be positive, she was always negative and miserable and jealous of others who were happy or enjoying themselves. After a couple of years of this she rung me one day after I’d had a long day at work and without even asking how I was talked at me for an hour. I’d had a bunch of stuff happen and she didn’t ask even once how I was, how was X or Y, it was just the usual negative ‘me me me’. I just faded her out after that and moved on with my life. I know she’d have seen it as me doing what everyone else did but she was unable to see that she was the cause of this. She wouldn’t help herself, she wouldn’t change, and she resented everyone else their happiness and life was too short. I’m very careful now with that kind of thing, it’s draining and can really eat away at you. You’re worth more than that.

Same 😄 I've deleted people on social media for typing 'would of'.

She isn't your friend OP. Just stop responding to her, unfriend her and enjoy your life without her nasty comments. Maybe change your phone number too.

Honestly, I would cut the friendship.
This woman doesn't see you as a friend, has no desire to support you, be positive towards you or even be anything less than bitter and unpleasant towards you.

I understand that giving up part of life to look after parents can be incredibly difficult, and wearing, and isolating. But there are good people who do it and bear the responsibility without being persistently sour arseholes towards their friends.

Personally I wouldn't give her the ammunition of responding to her, outlining her actions, or anything that she can twist into yet another pity me tale, id bin her off social media, block her number, and continue your life.

My rule for mental illness is the same as my rule for physical illness-if you're honestly trying to get better I will give you all the help and sympathy I possibly can, but if you just want to complain I have no time for that.

I think I would start responding to her unkind messages with honest responses. If she doesn't start to realise that things need to change after that, then end the friendship.

Things like: "Yes I'm on holiday. I love going away. I'd be happy to go on holiday with you but I know you wouldn't want to."

"I'm sorry x but I'm not going to stop living my life because for other people and I'm sure you wouldn't want me to." Etc

I have a severe MH disability (bipolar) but have little tolerance for people who don't do everything evidence- based to help themselves, and won't keep trying different meds/ therapies with professionals until they find something that works.

I would say something that annoyed someone like that eventually, saying they should be doing stuff to help themselves, and they'd block me.

This! 😂😂

What do you do? You tell her straight that she doesn’t have to suffer and if she wants to “live the high life” too she can, she just needs to put the effort in and engage in therapy.

This is true.