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Original poster

Do I get grandparents a gift for looking after DC whilst we're at wedding?!

102 replies

lovetoscroll · 23/08/2023 07:08

My in laws are coming over this weekend, travelling about 4 hours to get here- by boat and car. They do very little with the grandchildren, unless we go to them- which with 3 children 5 and under is a bit of a faff, it's far easier for them to come here.
This weekend we're off to a wedding and all of my family are going. In laws have been asked for months (since January) to come over to mind the kids.
My parents by comparison have the kids 3 days a week for us, very hands on. I'd never usually buy them a present unless it was something out of the ordinary.
Do I need to get in laws a gift for coming over and if so what kind of thing would you get?!

OP posts:
PieonaBarm · 24/08/2023 07:08

Can you buy them a voucher for a restaurant at home so they could go out for lunch together? Always goes down well with my MIL

Batatahara · 24/08/2023 07:12

I think you should get them something - but I would make it something like buying in something that they like, e.g. my in laws like nice wine, I might get them a bottle of champagne, or a nice cake or something like that.

I would also get your parents something too - not every single day obviously but I would find some ways to show my appreciation - I found it knackering looking after under 5s, looking after three of them three days a week is a lot.

IHateFlies · 24/08/2023 07:14

I wouldn't buy them a gift. They've been asking for months to do this and they're family.
I would however, have food sorted for all the meals, leave nice food for them and some cash and flyers for a takeaway for just them to have after them kids are in bed.

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borntobequiet · 24/08/2023 08:08

IHateFlies · 24/08/2023 07:14

I wouldn't buy them a gift. They've been asking for months to do this and they're family.
I would however, have food sorted for all the meals, leave nice food for them and some cash and flyers for a takeaway for just them to have after them kids are in bed.

In laws have been asked for months (since January) to come over to mind the kids.

They’ve been asked (so it’s not a last minute request), not been asking.

It would be odd not to get them a token something or other to show appreciation. DS/DDIL almost always leave something nice for me when I look after the DGC (a three hour journey, but straightforward and not particularly expensive).

BIossomtoes · 24/08/2023 08:15

IHateFlies · 24/08/2023 07:14

I wouldn't buy them a gift. They've been asking for months to do this and they're family.
I would however, have food sorted for all the meals, leave nice food for them and some cash and flyers for a takeaway for just them to have after them kids are in bed.

They haven’t asked. They’ve been asked. Being family doesn’t change an eight hour round trip and three kids under five for 24 hours. It’s a big ask.

43ontherocksporfavor · 24/08/2023 08:19

Presumably your parents see you more often as they’re closer and not a 4 hr, including boat journey, away? How often do you expect them to do that? Perhaps a voucher for an afternoon tea?

Batatahara · 24/08/2023 08:23

It's understandable because you get so much from your parents but you don't sound very appreciative of what your in laws are doing.

Neither set of grandparents would do this for us, for different reasons. I would love to go to a wedding this year with DH and have the kids looked after... Sadly I will be going alone

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 24/08/2023 09:14

How about a Cook voucher? Their meals are v nice.

BCSurvivor · 24/08/2023 12:02

Off the subject of the gift, I'm quite surprised that you've asked your inlaws to look after 3 under 5's for a whole weekend when they've hardly spent any time with them in the past, due to living so far away.
And all credit to your inlaws for agreeing to it.

IHateFlies · 24/08/2023 12:04

Oops sorry misread. Yes, if you've been asking for months seems like they're doing you a favour so in that case, yes, get a gift.

Datafan55 · 24/08/2023 12:28

I'm unclear as to how hands on your ILs could be, not living down the road. This weekend is 1) a big favour and 2) a rare opportunity to be hands on that they're probably really looking forward to. The opportunity for them to be hands-on is only happening as all your family are away with you and you have 'had' to ask.

And about the different attitudes to grandparents. Kids might not notice it now, but when they have been exposed to it regularly for years, it will be becoming pretty engrained in their own attitudes in a few years time.

You have to see the two sets of parents as different - ie down the road, 4hours away - and appreciate what each can bring without comparing unfavourably. For example, to show not that it's a faff to go to theirs, but it's an adventure/mini holiday (if not, this will rub off on the kids and they'll start moaning about having to go). It will also be hard for your ILs to be away from their grandkids for months on end (also whilst hearing that they saw your parents numerous times a week). They're not resenting that the kids have a great relationship/time to spend with your parents, just wishing that they had more time too.

I really wish I didn't know all this from the pov of the more distant relative, because it is crap.

NerrSnerr · 24/08/2023 13:16

I would give them a gift. I'd also treat my parents periodically, take them out for a meal, if they join on a family day out pay for them, the odd bunch of flowers, chocolate etc.

Rewis · 24/08/2023 14:48

I don't think this is solely your responsibility. What does your partner think since it's their parents

Vinegar123 · 24/08/2023 15:52

Voucher for nice restaurant for 2

Doone21 · 26/08/2023 23:15

Definitely gift. Because they're travelling all that way.

LadyEloise1 · 27/08/2023 01:37

NerrSnerr · 24/08/2023 13:16

I would give them a gift. I'd also treat my parents periodically, take them out for a meal, if they join on a family day out pay for them, the odd bunch of flowers, chocolate etc.

I would too.

Sayitaintso33 · 27/08/2023 09:19

No need for a gift, but do be lovely and warm when you meet them.

crumpet · 27/08/2023 09:21

I’d send flowers for when they get back home.

BIossomtoes · 27/08/2023 10:09

Sayitaintso33 · 27/08/2023 09:19

No need for a gift, but do be lovely and warm when you meet them.

No need? An eight hour round trip and 24 hour care of three children under five and there’s no need? The bloody entitlement is incredible.

toomuchlaundry · 27/08/2023 10:15

@Sayitaintso33 wouldn’t that be a given anyway

What did you end up doing @lovetoscroll

LadyEloise1 · 27/08/2023 10:24

Sayitaintso33 · 27/08/2023 09:19

No need for a gift, but do be lovely and warm when you meet them.

As opposed to being rude and cold when they arrive after driving four hours to do you a big favour. 😮😮

SgtPercyTwentyman · 27/08/2023 10:50

No, I'd get them nothing. It's what you have to do. Grandparent here.

BIossomtoes · 27/08/2023 10:53

SgtPercyTwentyman · 27/08/2023 10:50

No, I'd get them nothing. It's what you have to do. Grandparent here.

Nobody has to do anything. Obviously you’re encouraging entitlement in your children.

Sayitaintso33 · 27/08/2023 11:07

BIossomtoes · 27/08/2023 10:53

Nobody has to do anything. Obviously you’re encouraging entitlement in your children.

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There is too much gift giving. It is wrong. It prices the poor out of everyday life.

Buying a gift doesn't prevent entitlement. It just means you have to pay a lit bit for it is . Easy if you are wealthy.

What in-laws need on MN, is not more gifts, but a friendly and warm welcome into normal family life.

SgtPercyTwentyman · 27/08/2023 18:19

BIossomtoes · 27/08/2023 10:53

Nobody has to do anything. Obviously you’re encouraging entitlement in your children.

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I will give you the benefit of the doubt as assume you are not as rude and unpleasant IRL as your comment here makes you appear.