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Original poster

How do you say 'no' without feeling awkward

54 replies

magicalkitty · 16/08/2023 12:11

I find it very hard in certain situations to say 'no' when I don't want to do something. For example if a friend suggests something I'm really not keen on. So I'll end up just doing it anyway to avoid the awkwardness.

What's the secret to being assertive but not feeling awkward about it? I am fine saying no when it's close family members or partners, but find it harder with those a degree removed.

OP posts:
SisterhoodWhatever · 16/08/2023 12:18

Not worrying if people will like you, that’s it really.

Thats what makes people do things they don’t want to, especially women the culture of being nice.

TreesWelliesKnees · 16/08/2023 12:23

I know people always say 'no is a complete sentence', etc, but I find it helps to soften it a bit. I might say 'hmm, I'm not sure that's really my thing. How about x instead?'. I also over egg my own tiredness sometimes to get out of things!

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/08/2023 12:25

People actually appreciate it when you’re clear and honest. “Sorry Kate, I’m sure you’ll love it but I really don’t like musical theatre at all and wouldn’t enjoy this. Let me know when you’re free to go for a coffee or a drink, though!” I’ve never once been upset by a friend saying something along those lines and never once had anyone upset at me because I did. Good people respect good boundaries and are just assured to know where they stand.

dudsville · 16/08/2023 12:28

Practice it, in time you'll gain confidence. Confidence comes from being familiar with the new behaviour and trusting you know yourself well enough to have your own back. Start now and you'll be confident sooner than if you didn't!

Bluevelvetsofa · 16/08/2023 12:30

We’ve actually said something similar to the above, when asked to go and see a comedian I’d never heard of and am not generally a fan of stand up anyway. Just a simple ‘No thanks, it’s not our thing, but I’m sure you’ll love it.’

Lottapianos · 16/08/2023 12:34

You could buy yourself a bit of thinking time by saying that you'll check your diary / calendar and get back to them, or even just that you'll have a think and let them know. Then you can text later with something like 'thanks for inviting me. I won't be able to make it but hope you have a great time!'. Don't make an excuse or give any details about why you can't make it

As others said, it all gets easier with practice, and it does wonders for your self esteem to be able to be politely assertive

MoonsHaunted · 16/08/2023 12:34

I think being honest is the best way, otherwise it can go wrong. Like if you say you’re busy that day they might suggest a different day and then you’re stuck!

As pp just say “Not my thing” etc depending on what applies.

GreyCarpet · 16/08/2023 12:34

True friends won't be offended.

I play in a band. Virtually none of my non music friends have been to any of my gigs because they don't like the genre. One has been once because she really wanted to see me play and one came with his wife and left part way through because she hated it 😁 I'm not offended when people say they don't want to come.

If you're not comfortable saying no directly, tell them you'll check your diary and then invent a prior arrangement.

Fofftwenty21 · 16/08/2023 12:48

Something that can help is just not saying Yes.

A bit like parents when you are little and they say "we'll see"

Hmindr68 · 16/08/2023 12:58

Tricky isn’t it.

Some people are also really shit at being told “no”. I ended up really snapping (quite embarrassingly, I felt awful for ruining the “mood” at a party) when someone offered me an alcoholic drink and I said no. They just Would. Not. Stop.

Someone I know recently invited me to something I didn’t want to go to. They are SO SHIT at being told no. So I said yes, made a big show of getting my phone out to put it into my calendar etc. Knowing full well I wasn’t going to go. I just didn’t answer the phone when they rang a few days before the event.

dontgobaconmyheart · 16/08/2023 13:01

For me it's more about accepting that it might always realistically feel awkward to me to say no in certain situations (particularly as I know I am or have been a people pleaser growing up) and just accept that it will not come naturally.

Ultimately the priority for me is still saying no if I need to, and so I do so as politely as I can without feeling I need to go over the top with justifications or resorting to dishonesty and excuses to get out of it which isn't how I want to be and leaves room for a fall out if you get sprung. I would probably say things like "Thanks for thinking of me but that doesn't sound like it would be for me, hope you enjoy yourselves though" or "Thanks for the invite but I've earmarked that weekend for a day at home reading and relaxing, I've had a busy week"

Obviously it depends on the circumstances and there are some in which I think people should make effort to do things they may not fancy but are ultimately fine - if someone needs support or it's a birthday or important event then I would just go and be a friend. Those scenarios aside I'm generally fine with saying no and people rarely take meaningful offence, if they do then that still doesn't mean it's wrong to do it.

AffIt · 16/08/2023 13:06

I tend to just smile and say 'no thank you'.

The smile softens the blow a little, but I'm also always very careful not insert a 'sorry' at the start of the sentence (unless of course I am genuinely sorry).

If pressed, I then say 'no, not my thing / not for me'.

It works, because you're not giving people an 'in'.

Ladyoftheknight · 16/08/2023 13:10

This may be controversial, but if it's someone i don't know/don't anything to I do lie sometimes to get out of things.

For example, a friend of a friend who I don't see that often anyway asked if I wanted to come to her birthday party. I said I had another event I'd already agreed to that day.

An invite to a hen do I knew I wouldn't enjoy (Because of the venue/type of activity). I said I had a work event that day and couldn't get out of.

Sometimes telling someone that it's not your thing pushes them away, same as if you say you wouldn't enjoy it. So a harmless lie helps detach you from the situation.

notacooldad · 16/08/2023 13:15

You could buy yourself a bit of thinking time by saying that you'll check your diary / calendar and get back to them, or even just that you'll have a think and let them know.
To me, that’s just dragging it out and not doing anyone any favours. A friend could have asked someone else in the Tim you are pretending to check when you know dam well you’re re not going.

We all say to each other the truth, which ie either we can’t make something for whatever reason or it’s not our kind off thing. It really isn’t a big deal to say no.

cero · 16/08/2023 13:19

I find this really difficult too. I'm quite avoidant when my mood is low (I have a bipolar diagnosis) and a recovering people-pleaser, so I feel doubly compelled to say yes to everything in case I have a nice time, and it helps. Recently I turned down an offer to a gig that involved a lot of travel and an overnight stay plus expensive entry, and my friend has complained to all and sundry that I've let him down. He demanded to know why too. I do quite like the artist but not enough to justify the expense and hassle, so I told a lie that I couldn't arrange a house sitter for those dates and suggested other mutual friends who would be more enthusiastic.

BoohooWoohoo · 16/08/2023 13:22

I think it helps if the other person has said no to you in the past because it evens things up.

If I asked you and I later discovered that you did it out of politeness then I'd assume that we weren't very close because you couldn't tell me that it wasn't your kind of thing. I'd feel worse if you'd done it multiple times and spend time wondering if I was unapproachable.

Beetlewings · 16/08/2023 13:23

Have a list of stock phrases.
'no. I won't be doing that'
'no that's not possible.'
'No, and I'm happy with my decision.' Although
I just say 'no' and wait for the other person to speak

HeritageBlooms · 16/08/2023 13:27

Fofftwenty21 · 16/08/2023 12:48

Something that can help is just not saying Yes.

A bit like parents when you are little and they say "we'll see"

this! I love this T-shirt

How do you say 'no' without feeling awkward
Lottapianos · 16/08/2023 13:30

'To me, that’s just dragging it out and not doing anyone any favours'

Well, I mean reply by the end of that day, not a week later or anything

'Have a list of stock phrases.
'no. I won't be doing that'
'no that's not possible.'
'No, and I'm happy with my decision.''

Depends on the context of course, but they all sound pretty brutal. I would use those with someone who was trying to railroad me into something and didn't seem to be taking no for an answer. I wouldn't use them with anyone I had a decent relationship with

ladyvivienne · 16/08/2023 13:34

Following with interest.

Currently getting bombarded with requests for my kids to sleepover. i don't see the need. It's a friend 10 mins away. Why are other adults so desperate for my children to sleep at their house?!

I stupidly said they couldn't because we had a commitment the following morning so now they're asking what day do we not have a commitment so they can stay - I'm such an idiot!

Boxofsockss · 16/08/2023 13:37

Honestly, you just need to be prepared for people to take a dislike to you unfortunately. I find I’m a very assertive person and have no problem with making my feelings known and I now have a very small circle of friends. Wouldn’t have it any other way.

ShippingNews · 16/08/2023 13:42

Make sure that the first word you say is "no".

" No I'm afraid not"
" No, that doesn't work for me"
"No I can't ".

Once you've said no, you can continue to reinforce that it isn't going to happen.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 16/08/2023 13:43

"No, thank you" should suffice, surely. Perhaps offer an alternative or a additional suggestion for another time if you like the company but not the activity or destination on offer?

As long as you don't disparage the intention, a simple "Sorry, but no thank you" will be perfect.

jay55 · 16/08/2023 13:43

Every No is easier than the last.

Once you realise the world doesn't end, they just flow out.

Cherrysoup · 16/08/2023 13:49

Never display enthusiasm, so you’re asked to do something (let’s say go to a gig).

Friend: ‘X are playing at the Arena on Saturday. Nobody else wants to go. Will you come? I can’t go otherwise.’
You: (take a breath, don’t smile) ‘I don’t like X, sorry’
Friend: ‘Oh, please, or I can’t go’
You: ‘I’m sure you’ll find someone. I don’t want to go.’

This takes practice. I just did something similar and it was really difficult but I’m sick of doing stuff I don’t want to do in order to keep people happy.