How do you say 'no' without feeling awkward

[magicalkitty]

I find it very hard in certain situations to say 'no' when I don't want to do something. For example if a friend suggests something I'm really not keen on. So I'll end up just doing it anyway to avoid the awkwardness.

What's the secret to being assertive but not feeling awkward about it? I am fine saying no when it's close family members or partners, but find it harder with those a degree removed.

The trick is to say no anyway and learn a way to tolerate the awkwardness. What's the worst that could happen? I've been a lot clearer with boundaries in recent years. Stated we won't stay at anyone else's home nor they at ours, it's too intrusive and the other way round mean none of us sleep. My sister (who's the main one pestering for sleepovers) has accepted it. She tried to push for us all staying together in an air B and B recently, another no. In my immediate family we need our own space.

Issue recently in DDS friendship group. She's going to a festival with 2 other mates. No offer from other parents to chip in with lifts to/from so I made a WhatsApp group and was explicit we'd give a lift one way only. If the other parents can't help out then we all chip in for a mini bus that another parent arranges. Was polite but blunt and clear with my language. I didn't really care if the other parents got the huff. It was sorted immediately. Boundaries are the bed rock of society and once you practice applying them it becomes easier and easier.

I just say NO.

Never had a problem saying it.

Unless someone has a gun to your head, what can anyone say?

I just say no-it hasn’t affected any friendships I wanted to make/keep.

Q-do you fancy doing to see X band/go to X restaurant/see X film?
A-no thanks, that’s not really my thing but thanks for asking.

If I want to see them but not do X, I’ll suggest something else.

I find the awkwardness of saying no comes from what is unspoken.

A - would you like to come to this thing with me could mean:

1 I would like to go to this thing and I’m looking for someone to go with as I don’t want to go on my own.

2 I would like to go to this thing, I think you would too, I’m doing a nice thing for you

3 I’d like to spend time with you/get to know you better, here’s a suggestion.

If it’s 1 then you can just say it’s not your thing knowing that they’ll ask someone else.

If it’s 2 they can be a bit surprised or offended that you don’t want to do it. Either they don’t know you as well as they thought (you don’t want to do the thing) or worse, you just don’t want to do it with them.

If it’s 3 then they’re not that wedded to the thing itself but would like to do something with you.

Safest answer for all scenarios is. I’m sorry, that’s not really my kind of thing but I’d love to get together with you. Do you fancy meeting for [alternative thing]?

Unless you don’t particularly want to see them or they get stuck on scenario 2 and persist in being offended. I’ve had real problems with both of these

‘No, not for me thanks’ job done.

I invited an acquaintance to a get-together at my house, and she replied "thanks but that's really not my thing." I was stunned and impressed. To think of the myriad awkwardnesses and discomforts I could have avoided in life if I'd had the gumption to say that.

I don't get this at all.

To me that's a perfectly reasonable/normal thing to say.

Why would you need any 'gumption' to Tuen down an invite that you don't wish to go to?

In real life, it always seems so much more complicated than 'it's not my thing' or 'no, not for me.' Most social situations that come my way are very much my thing, but sometimes I'm invited to an event I would love by someone I find exhausting in such settings, yet okay to have lunch with on their own. Or the ones who pull on your heartstrings have had a run of bad luck, and it seems only humane to agree to something they want to do, which you might enjoy but would rather have a weekend at home. I find it a minefield.

I just No, but thanks for asking, smile and start talking about something else immediately

This is a completely normal response!

I'm honest so I endeavour to give a response that is truthful.

I say things like;
"Have to say, I don't fancy that but you should go if you do."
"I'm not into (whatever) I'm afraid, so I'll say no."
"That's a no thanks from me, not my scene."

If it's a really good friend I'll simply say, "Absolutely NOT."

An example, and please, I don't mean any offence to anyone when I say this...I have had a fair few invites to ten pin bowling in my time and I just hate those places. They are hot as the fires of hell, the shoes are bloody awful, they always reek of old fat and fried food (which makes me gip), and I'm sorry, but bowling is just not that fun. I don't want to waste my free time in a bowling alley.
"Do you want to come ten pin bowling?"
"Ooh no I'm not a fan of bowling, thanks for asking though."

I invited an acquaintance to a get-together at my house, and she replied "thanks but that's really not my thing." I was stunned and impressed. To think of the myriad awkwardnesses and discomforts I could have avoided in life if I'd had the gumption to say that.

I think that one is difficult. Because a “no” could be interpreted as I don’t want to come because I don’t like you. Especially if you have said yes to get togethers at other’s houses.

A tough one for me was:

Can I invite myself to a meal you’ve arranged for some mutual friends that I’ve heard about? I won’t be offended if you say no.

Oh, er, actually no.

Person is then offended!

I think it’s normal to feel awkward about it.

But assertive people have got into dealing with the awkward feeling because they no it’s temporary.

It’s a really important skill to build or you end up being a doormat. With practice the feeling gets less.

(I am not suggesting there aren’t some people who don’t feel discomfort, but it’s not typical.)

If it's clearly something I don't want to do, then "Thanks for the invite but it's not for me. I hope you have a lovely time though".

If it's a vague invite and not clear what's involved ("are you free X day?") then my go-to is "I'm not sure, I'll need to check. Why?"

You should value your own time more. That's what it's about for me. I guard my free time jealously and there are lots things I have lined up to spend it on, including making time for dear friends. I am 47 and find myself past the point of wanting to establish myself in a social sense. I have three children to consider and a few good long term friends but otherwise prefer to pursue my own interests. If I fancy it, I'll say yes. If I don't, I politely decline.

"That doesn't really suit me. What about xyz instead if that works for you?"

I love this. It's an excellent response.

Sometimes it's OK to say yes to something you don't particularly want to do.

Exactly this. I will just say ‘Sorry, that’s my idea of pure hell — but do you fancy seeing X next weekend?’

I am terrible at saying no also. But I seem to have friends who have zero problem saying it! I’m sure I chose them for a reason. They tend to say things like “Nah, not my thing, what about…?” But then, I don’t really ask much of anyone because of my people-pleaseryness.

I once overheard my friend being asked to babysit (a babysitting exchange where they would each sit for each other’s kids on different nights). She replied, “Yeah I get why that would work but I don’t want to. It’s a good idea though. For someone else!” the other person just replied “fair enough!” And they all moved on with their day. I was impressed at my friend’s polite bluntness!

I was taught in an assertiveness course to think of what you are saying yes to. So you arent saying no to the thing you dont want to do, but yes to a much needed lie in or yes to reading that book.

It doesnt help much with the wording of the no but ig reminds me that id i am saying yes to others i am still sahing no but to me, and im important to.

Forgot to add following on from my reply: whereas I was also once asked to do this babysitting exchange thing and - even though I didn’t want to and don’t need it because I have family close by - I ended up saying yes, then making an excuse every time to get out of it.

I still don’t do the thing I can’t say no to, I just go a very messy way around not doing it rather than saying “No thanks” in the first place.

So being assertive and saying “not for me, what about…?” Is something I need to practice too!

I actually learnt from a friend who is so assertive but so nice about it. Instead of saying no, she will open with some compliment but then a firm position on where she stands. So she would say something like this 'I'm looking so forward to seeing you later today, sorry I can't do earlier but please let me know if you are still keen to meet later or we can reschedule if that works better for you.'