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Original poster

Any social workers if possible?

52 replies

Ted10 · 10/08/2023 10:45

Quick background. My children are on a CIN plan after I reached out for help because my 16 year old have been aggressive/violent towards me . So as you will know that lead to the other children also being on the CIN plan.

So things have been/are being put in place.
One of the things we have is a family practitioner. The is absolutely lovely. Talks to use in a nice way . She's really mice with the kids . She sees my 16 year old separately he seems to like her . So no clashes in that way.

But I feel like im.being given the wrong support the focus is wrong. For me the problem is being able to approach my 16 year old without the fear of aggression and violence. Being able to leave 13 year old dd at home if she wants to without worry about her safety. But the family practitioner is focusing on stuff that's not needed . Although she's lovely. She talking to me like I'm a young mum of under 5s . And talking to me about . Routine What time do the kids go to bed, how do you sort meal times. Etc etc its just not the right help. There's just no point . I mean I wantnthe help and support definitely but the fucus is wrong.

I can't approach the social worker about it because she's awful . I'm.not saying that because I'm a difficult Clint. She's not approachble at all and let's us know we are below her and she's in charge. She doesn't listen or fully discuss things. I have met some lovely social workers. She's just not one of them. So basically I keep her at arms length.

So how to I get the right support.

OP posts:
Gettinagoldtoof · 10/08/2023 10:47

Have you tried non-violent resistance? Try and get on a programme, it helps with teens

Polik · 10/08/2023 10:52

You should get a new SW now you're on the CIN Plan. The assessment SW just does assessments, ususlly.

The focus of the CIN Plan is likely to be your parenting. Routine changes, deesculation techniques, approaches to resistance from the children - it's all about making thr home calmer and less aggressive. That way, your children are less aggressive.

Original poster
Ted10 · 10/08/2023 10:52

Gettinagoldtoof · 10/08/2023 10:47

Have you tried non-violent resistance? Try and get on a programme, it helps with teens

Ds CAMHS worker putting me on a course that's to do with violent teens . I for got what it's called though. I will look .

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

13 year olds 16 year olds
Original poster
Ted10 · 10/08/2023 10:54

Polik · 10/08/2023 10:52

You should get a new SW now you're on the CIN Plan. The assessment SW just does assessments, ususlly.

The focus of the CIN Plan is likely to be your parenting. Routine changes, deesculation techniques, approaches to resistance from the children - it's all about making thr home calmer and less aggressive. That way, your children are less aggressive.

No you have it totally wrong.

OP posts:
Polik · 10/08/2023 10:55

Ted10 · 10/08/2023 10:52

Ds CAMHS worker putting me on a course that's to do with violent teens . I for got what it's called though. I will look .

Show quote history

That will be the NVR course, it's run my CAMHS where I work.

Good course, it's highly recommended. It's about different parental approaches to challenge and resistance from the children.

Original poster
Ted10 · 10/08/2023 10:56

Polik · 10/08/2023 10:55

That will be the NVR course, it's run my CAMHS where I work.

Good course, it's highly recommended. It's about different parental approaches to challenge and resistance from the children.

Show quote history

It's not that

OP posts:
Silkierabbit · 10/08/2023 11:03

Not social work but if the aggression is mental health and / or autism related there's a Facebook group called Parenting Mental Health. They offer daily sessions to discuss things and a forum. There's lots of others in similar situations on there.

BrokenLink · 10/08/2023 11:04

It may take a little time for the family worker to figure out what help you need. Keep talking to her so she can figure it out. Getting the basic sleeping and eating routines might not seem like the right help, but it creates the right environment for everyone to function better. Children of any age behave badly when they are chronically tired and they are having ups and downs with their blood sugar. It's easy to feel "looked down on" because you need help. But in my experience, all parents sometimes need help and the ones that admit it and accept the help are the ones that do better.

watcherintherye · 10/08/2023 11:08

I think I’ve read your previous threads, op. Would your family practitioner be open to discussing how you’re struggling to see the relevance to your relationship with your 16 yr old, of some of the things she’s focussing on? Maybe they are relevant, but she’s not making the connection clear, or maybe she hasn’t got a handle on your situation yet, if you haven’t been seeing her very long?
Just say that you want to take her advice on board, but would like some guidance on how she sees it potentially improving your family dynamic.

Original poster
Ted10 · 10/08/2023 11:14

I don't think anyone is getting it at all. Why do so many people mlt kidyem to the person with the problems who indicate what help they Need. Ie professional: what help do you feel you need . Clint: xyz ok. Let's work in that.

Clint ds was very aggressive today. Professional : least kids really was done by 5.

And blaming the parent in a round about way for child violence. Ie it must be their parenting . Although everything else is fine with the other kids no concerns raised etc.

Sorry if I'm coming across not very well
But I have asked for help regarding my son /the aggressive side of stuff. Not when I should give my kids tea .

I will only be replying to posts that actually answer what I have asked

OP posts:
Original poster
Ted10 · 10/08/2023 11:16

watcherintherye · 10/08/2023 11:08

I think I’ve read your previous threads, op. Would your family practitioner be open to discussing how you’re struggling to see the relevance to your relationship with your 16 yr old, of some of the things she’s focussing on? Maybe they are relevant, but she’s not making the connection clear, or maybe she hasn’t got a handle on your situation yet, if you haven’t been seeing her very long?
Just say that you want to take her advice on board, but would like some guidance on how she sees it potentially improving your family dynamic.

Yeah maybe I'm over thinking. And Need to be a bit blunt . Maybe I should just say what I said in my op and just see what she says. She seems approachble . So maybe I should just say it.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 10/08/2023 11:17

I imagine in the experience of the family practitioner, getting things into a stable and predictable routine DOES help de-escalate violence. But if you're not convinced it will help, discuss that with her.

Rainallnight · 10/08/2023 11:18

Polik · 10/08/2023 10:52

You should get a new SW now you're on the CIN Plan. The assessment SW just does assessments, ususlly.

The focus of the CIN Plan is likely to be your parenting. Routine changes, deesculation techniques, approaches to resistance from the children - it's all about making thr home calmer and less aggressive. That way, your children are less aggressive.

That’s incredibly unfair and unhelpful. Some kids are violent and aggressive for other reasons.

Lkahsvtv · 10/08/2023 11:19

I’d ask the social worker if they have a “who is in charge” type course as that’s the kind of support they should be giving.
when you have child in need plan reviews that’s your opportunity to say that you aren’t getting what you need and say in front of school etc too

Fraaahnces · 10/08/2023 11:24

I think if you have a good relationship with her, you should be able to tell her. “Look, we’re not talking about toddlers or little kids that will go to bed because I put them there. He’s 16, big even for an adult man and bloody terrifying. While it’s great to chat, talking about bedtime routines isn’t helpful at all.”

Hyposensitive · 10/08/2023 11:26

Unfortunately I think that they often try and find things they can fix (even if they are not broken) when the real problem is complex.

When I tried to get help for one of my children, it became all about the rest of us even though we were all fine. My child who needed the help still hasn't had any help, but they get to go away with their boxes ticked feeling like they helped in some way (with things that didn't change but were fine in the beginning!) there was a lot of parental blame, condescending advice, and pointless hoop jumping, but no actual help for my child who needed it. It was a massive waste of time and resources, and I won't be asking for help again, I've learned the hard way that the services are just not there for children who display violent and challenging behaviour.

Original poster
Ted10 · 10/08/2023 11:26

Lkahsvtv · 10/08/2023 11:19

I’d ask the social worker if they have a “who is in charge” type course as that’s the kind of support they should be giving.
when you have child in need plan reviews that’s your opportunity to say that you aren’t getting what you need and say in front of school etc too

School are not involved. As no concerns over younger kids. It's a long time till review. And in mean time . Its pointless support . I might just do as another poster said uo thread and approach the family practitioner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ted10 · 10/08/2023 11:43

Hyposensitive · 10/08/2023 11:26

Unfortunately I think that they often try and find things they can fix (even if they are not broken) when the real problem is complex.

When I tried to get help for one of my children, it became all about the rest of us even though we were all fine. My child who needed the help still hasn't had any help, but they get to go away with their boxes ticked feeling like they helped in some way (with things that didn't change but were fine in the beginning!) there was a lot of parental blame, condescending advice, and pointless hoop jumping, but no actual help for my child who needed it. It was a massive waste of time and resources, and I won't be asking for help again, I've learned the hard way that the services are just not there for children who display violent and challenging behaviour.

This is exactly how I feel. I'm sorry for what you have been through. It is very hard to get true help. As much as they do some fantastic work . Some do more harm than good . My adult Dd has a social worker. And she is lovely she's had a few and I can't fault them they are lovely.

I think some look to be helping. Because they don't actually know what to do or the answer themselves.

Also the social worker is automatically believed over the parent .

OP posts:
watcherintherye · 10/08/2023 11:48

I might just do as another poster said uo thread and approach the family practitioner.

Don’t forget to try and word it in such a way that demonstrates that you’re more than willing to take things on board, just a bit puzzled by the advice, which seems more relevant to younger children, and point out it really doesn’t work with the 16 year old. Otherwise you may be seen as ‘difficult’ or unwilling to engage with the ‘help’ that’s being offered at the moment. Try and be receptive, even if it’s through gritted teeth! Hoping you can eventually get the help you need, op.

Original poster
Ted10 · 10/08/2023 11:57

watcherintherye · 10/08/2023 11:48

I might just do as another poster said uo thread and approach the family practitioner.

Don’t forget to try and word it in such a way that demonstrates that you’re more than willing to take things on board, just a bit puzzled by the advice, which seems more relevant to younger children, and point out it really doesn’t work with the 16 year old. Otherwise you may be seen as ‘difficult’ or unwilling to engage with the ‘help’ that’s being offered at the moment. Try and be receptive, even if it’s through gritted teeth! Hoping you can eventually get the help you need, op.

Yes i will do. Its very frustrating because the help being offered is not helpful. I get what you mean by the being difficult thing . It's just madness. Because surely people feel good when they give help . So surely the person giving help would want to to be the right help . It's odd.

OP posts:
watcherintherye · 10/08/2023 12:16

So surely the person giving help would want to to be the right help . It's odd.

Yes, I think the poster above and you have nailed it, when you say they don’t really know the answer themselves and look for easy fixes which don’t need fixing.

Would be so much better if there was a bit more honesty - ‘we don’t really know what the answer is to this really hard situation, but we’ll do our damnedest to support you and work on it with you’ - rather than - ‘we’re the experts, here’s what you must do, regardless.’

Original poster
Ted10 · 10/08/2023 12:31

watcherintherye · 10/08/2023 12:16

So surely the person giving help would want to to be the right help . It's odd.

Yes, I think the poster above and you have nailed it, when you say they don’t really know the answer themselves and look for easy fixes which don’t need fixing.

Would be so much better if there was a bit more honesty - ‘we don’t really know what the answer is to this really hard situation, but we’ll do our damnedest to support you and work on it with you’ - rather than - ‘we’re the experts, here’s what you must do, regardless.’

Yes totally agree. I just find it really hard because they call it support . But its not. If the approach and attitude towards the family/parent is wrong it just does not work. As I said above dds social workers are lovely and they get good results. It's just much nicer to do things in a kinder way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ted10 · 10/08/2023 14:43

Sw just came. She saw everyone apart from my 13 year old . As she's been to a sleep over . Sw wants to come back again later . I'm not doing it.

I had family practitioner here yesterday. Sw today . Tomorrow got adult dd support worker here. . Plus sw wants to return today ... im not doing it .

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 10/08/2023 14:52

So whats your plan then? because if you disengage from SW its not going to make anything better.

Original poster
Ted10 · 10/08/2023 15:22

Soontobe60 · 10/08/2023 14:52

So whats your plan then? because if you disengage from SW its not going to make anything better.

Where did u say u was going to disengage?

I said she's Been today she's not coming twice in one day .

OP posts: