Any social workers if possible?

[Ted10]

Quick background. My children are on a CIN plan after I reached out for help because my 16 year old have been aggressive/violent towards me . So as you will know that lead to the other children also being on the CIN plan.

So things have been/are being put in place.
One of the things we have is a family practitioner. The is absolutely lovely. Talks to use in a nice way . She's really mice with the kids . She sees my 16 year old separately he seems to like her . So no clashes in that way.

But I feel like im.being given the wrong support the focus is wrong. For me the problem is being able to approach my 16 year old without the fear of aggression and violence. Being able to leave 13 year old dd at home if she wants to without worry about her safety. But the family practitioner is focusing on stuff that's not needed . Although she's lovely. She talking to me like I'm a young mum of under 5s . And talking to me about . Routine What time do the kids go to bed, how do you sort meal times. Etc etc its just not the right help. There's just no point . I mean I wantnthe help and support definitely but the fucus is wrong.

I can't approach the social worker about it because she's awful . I'm.not saying that because I'm a difficult Clint. She's not approachble at all and let's us know we are below her and she's in charge. She doesn't listen or fully discuss things. I have met some lovely social workers. She's just not one of them. So basically I keep her at arms length.

So how to I get the right support.

I not u *

Is this the same social worker you’ve been dealing with all along?
It’s a pity you can’t have the same one as your adult dd. Might be helpful as you’re all the same family. Didn’t you say your ds16 stayed with your dd at one time, so there’s a link there?

Yeah you have that right. It is a shame. Because they have bedn lovely. But think it needs to be separate because that SW is for Dd. I think it becomes to complicated and could make things difficult.

Yes, that makes sense. Shame you can’t get one who’s got more empathy.

I think that you should not be quickly jumping to the assumption that things like routine, sleep and meals aren't relevent to parenting a 16yo, I think they are relevent.

Your 16yo exists within the system of the family. I absolutely understand the desire for the professionals to "fix" the member of the family that seems to be causing the difficulty, but that isn't really how change happens. Things that happen across the whole family effect the members. Things like well established routines can be hugely helpful.

Parenting is hard, and the reality is that some children are harder to parent than others. Offering advice about how to improve things does not mean anyone is criticising you or trying to put you down.

I have 6 children 2 are now adults. There is only 1 that is difficult due to his aggression and DV. They needs to be helped . Not what time I make tea or the kids go to bed. That's madness .

So it got to 8.40 and social worker messaged asked for update in DD. I said sorry she's home. She got distracted playing in the pool etc. I said she's welcome to give her a ring . She asked for her number. I said no she can ring dd via my number and go in another room . She asked for DD number again. But then she called my number. Dd spoke to her in a different room.

She told dd she wants to talk to her about DS. And passed a message to me to make another appointment. Why didn't she just talk to dd on the phone. I'm going to tell her no. But I will say she can ring dd or video call her.

Also when she was here she spoke to my 2 younger ds . 7 and 8. 8 year old has autism. Anyway. She asked if they feel safe or not safe with older Ds here. On a scale of 0-10
0 being not safe at all. And 10 feel totally save . They did not understand the question just kept saying different numbers . Then she said to 7 year old I think you said 5 is that what you mean. So how can that work they never understood. Maybe she should be using face emotions.

Just for information. This week its been: DS CAMHS, DS family practitioner. Me: family practitioner. All of us social worker. Then last one tomorrow which is for adult Dd. Dd one is separate from ds situation to be fair . But that's 4/5 professionals in less than a week.

You may have more visits than normal currently because the children are off school. When in school, many of these meetings where the SW wants to talk to the children for direct work happen in school time and away from the home.

Also, if the CIN Plan had only just started there will be lots of support that needs to start, which all involve visits too. It will settle down, just give it time.

Nope because Sw does not see my kids in school.

Support is already in place, ie family practitioner, CAMHS. The course i agreed to do. Is September, Ds DV is about 14 week wait now.

With the CIN plan its self social worker had already said about the every 20 days. Manager did to. Sw was here yesterday. Its every 20 working days . So it should be in September next. But I agreed it can be end of August so she can see kids before they go back in September.

But think it needs to be separate because that SW is for Dd. I think it becomes to complicated and could make things difficult.

Am I right in thinking your DDs social worker is for adult disabilities? If so it’s a different area of work than children and families so she couldn’t do both.

In terms of family support, workers will often start with family routines because most families they work with struggle with routine and getting that in place is a relatively easy place to start while they get to know the whole family better. If you feel your routines are ok, speak to her and explain that, and ask if she thinks there are areas there to work on and why she thinks that.

It’s also worth thinking about what you would find helpful from her. Unfortunately no one can stop your son being violent over night, there are many different causes of violence in children each cause needs a different approach and strategy (and you’ll/they will need to figure out what he needs and what might work). So she needs to get to know him, and what’s driving his violent behaviour and looking at the routines in the house allows her to observe him, and the wider family and so get a sense of what he might need.

It’s not about blaming you for his behaviour but understanding what his triggers are, and how to approach them.

I would speak to social work about the number of visits you have in a week because someone there every day is very restricting and if, for example, you were working it just wouldn’t be manageable. They should be able to coordinate eg social worker comes at the same time as the family support worker. Why does your adult DDs worker need to come to your house, does she live with you?

No adult Dd has a sw for her child . But her sw or/and support worker sometimes comes here . Partly because my grandson is here often or sleeps over . And I'm her support system. Grandson has special needs so it's sometimes helpful to have joint type meetings.

Yes will definitely speak to the family practitioner. think possibly I was over thinking a bit. The social worker is not approachble and find it very hard to approach her and I think maybe I was over thinking because of that . And yes definitely talk to her about what feel could help.

Things changed a bit this morning. Well Kind of. I got a message of Sw this morning. Which I felt was demanding and basically pushing it a bit to much. I messaged the manager my concerns/worries
She called me . We had a discussion. She did not agree with some stuff I was saying and I did not agree with her either . But some stuff we did some stuff it was just about understanding. It was an OK discussion. Anyway without my asking manager said things are going well. She agreed sometimes there can be to much input. And she's closing the CIN plan fir my younger 3. But keeping a CIN plan for 16 tear old DS. Which means sw is still coming here. Which is a bum. But can't have it always .

That sounds like a good outcome and that you can now avoid going over things which don't need input and focus on the child who does need it. I hope that things work out for you and your family.

I don’t have advice, but been in the same boat! I wanted support for my son who has adhd and was violent and just out of control. They put way more focus on me and my other children than him, and they actually didn’t help with us in the slightest so in the end I told them to bog off and have had support from a youth intervention police officer, she is great. Can you access one where you are?

I think you need to be conscious that you have a complex family dynamic and whilst you know all the inns and outs, they don’t.

You have 6 children, 1 with SEN and 1 with aggression issues. You also have a grandson with SEN who regularly stays over and you are your DDs supports network. On top of which at least child (and you) have been the victim of and exposed to DV. That is a v complex set of circumstances to unpick and yes I’m sure it seems like box checking. It’s sounds like an v hectic environment. Are you also convinced you’re also the best judge of a situation all the time. There’s an element the support workers don’t know your family like you do, but similarly you are too close to it to see.

I get what your saying. But the social worker was making things worse and more stressful. I was dealing with all the stuff you say above then the social worker on top. There's still support in place it's just its more focused towards my son. (Younger kids were removed from CIN plan this morning)

I'm sorry they were not helpful to you. This is often what people don't understand. People just automatically think the sw is right they are there to support the children. When actually it turns out theres no support . But people often don't believe that is the case. They are much to ridged in their ways.

I'm glad you have found better support though. I can't do as you have as ds has nkt committed any type of crime or anti social stuff. Also my son is a policeman so I'm not sure if it flags things for him

Yes hopefully it will be better. And we can focus on the actual issues . Rather that treading around them

Well hope it all works out and everyone gets the support they need. It sounds like you need some respite tbh.

Hopefully it will work out. Respite won't happen. Would be nice to have a little alone time though 🤣

You don't seem to see the connection between good routine, relationship and child violence though. If your home is disorganised, if you struggle and don't communicate well then the poor relationship with him will be exacerbated

What's the age difference between the eldest and the youngest? Does your 16 year old have counselling. Is his dad the same as any of the others and guessing he is affected by lots of things.

I keep on saying over and over social services have said there are no concerns over the younger children. And they have no concerns from me. There gor the things you point out are not valid .

The children who still live at home oldest 16 youngest 7

Yes ds is under CAMHS, plus still had the family practitioner for him. Also waiting list for Dv course for him.

‘I’m not doing it’ = disengaging

I had family practitioner here yesterday. Sw today . Tomorrow got adult dd support worker here. . Plus sw wants to return today ... im not doing it

How about we ad the full paragraph of what I actually said .

Up date: CIN plan has been closed for the younger children.