Feeling indifferent about everything. Is this a midlife crisis?

[zeddybrek]

From the outside it looks like I have a great life and guess that I do. Thankfully no money or health problems. DC both happy and I enjoy lots of time with them. A job I love, several holidays, friends, family, hobbies etc but deep down I have a voice that keeps telling me what's the point of it all. We're going to die anyway and who cares. The world is full of suffering and pain. This voice is getting louder and I don't know how to stop it and how to change the narrative. I did lose my Dad 2 years ago but this huge lack of care or indifference about everything has only recently become a thing. I am early 40's and generally in good health.

Sometimes I can only describe it as the highs aren't as high and the lows aren't as low. I feel sort of emotionally flat if that makes sense.

When the children go to bed, I browse on my phone, get ready for the next day etc. I don't watch TV as I forget almost everything I watch so what's the point. I have always found it hard to watch something unless I am really into. So I sit there sometimes wondering what the hell is the point of anything anymore. Just make the children happy, keep a clean home, go to work and carry on with the monotony of daily life.

Anyway point being this inner voice is bothering me. Has anyone else experienced this, is this what a mid life crisis is about? I am finding it slightly unsettling so thought I would acknowledge this voice and try to do something in case it becomes too loud and potentially an even bigger problem.

Sorry for the rambling post, I am finding it hard to explain this even to myself.

I do think HRT can be a life saver, and after seeing what my mum was like in meno I was always determined to take it (and do) but I also get annoyed of late by the constant focus on meno as the only problem for women. It's like, men are allowed a mid life crises, thoughts, fears, feelings...but women are just their hormones!
I think most of us in our mid 40s can relate to the feelings you are having OP, and I didn't ever follow the set path/goals that the PP mentioned, and I am less "meh" and more antsy and impatient, but that sense of dissatisfaction is there sometimes, especially when I feel so aware how how short life is and want to fit everything in.
I also agree that a parent dying can really shake you. I went to a funeral recently of an old friend and so many different people stood up and talked about how much this person had contributed-to the community, to political activity, and how much they have been involved in art projects, the environment and fundraising..it really made me think about the mark I want to make in my short time here. So in a sense my focus is much more outward directed now than when I had young DC, and I like that. We have more power than we know in middle age and should never feel invisible.

I don't think anyone has claimed HRT is a wonder drug for everyone but it's not wrong to say it is a wonder drug for some people. It certainly is for me. I didn't even think my menopause symptoms were that bad but the difference in things when I started HRT was amazing. I tried coming off it again after a few years as didn't want to be on it unnecessarily and the same symptoms returned.
I still have 'meh' days but I think that's normal and I'm happy knowing I have a lot less of them because of HRT

A few months ago I would definitely have said my low flat mood was due to peri, before that it was due to horrendous life events but now, I'm sure that it is me, my personality. Yes its a difficult age, yes there will be issues with out of wack hormones that probably play a part. But for me, I feel similarly to how I did as a teenager. I want to fast forward to a place where I have more freedom, less constraints, less people depending on me, more free time, free space to take up doing the things I want to pursue and I don't want to ask permission or give a time for my return to the nest. I am sick of family life really, bored now, done my bit and want my life shaped by new and exciting things. I want to stretch out my wings.....that's if my aches and pains will let me!

Ok, so I sound self indulgent, selfish and not very mother nature, but for me I feel like it is just a waiting game before the next stage of my life can start. And while I am waiting I resent wasting time and energy on projects and goals that will not align with the new me that will eventually be set free.

I want to paint, but what is the point, I did years ago, I don't currently have time or space. I want to study architectural history with an emphasis on slum clearance and a Marxist slant on the the social/economic shaping of physical space, I can't fit this in between work, shopping, taxi driving, counselling young adults and constant mini disruptions. I want to travel, but I am not up for compromising and won't leave my home to to be burnt to the ground in my absence. I don't want to load the dishwasher but I don't want to empty it because two young adult males fail to apply basic logic to the task........

It feels like a waiting game and its hard to get excited about anything :)

This certainty describes me too. Lost most of my drive for anything. Struggling to care so much about my career, finding parenting ND teens exhausting and I've had enough of it! Would love to have time, energy and money to do more for myself or with DH but think by the time I can I'll have no interest in any of it.

Not thought to try HRT as feel it's probably normal but who knows.

Interesting thread. I started HRT yesterday because physical symptoms and disrupted sleep are causing me issues. Mentally I’ve been in a much better place over the last 2 years since changing jobs and taking up serious exercise again, but I can totally relate to the overwhelming sense of meh, flatness and hating my life. That was me 3 years ago. I also lost my last surviving parent 6 years ago. It casts a shadow and makes you question things. I’m finding this discussion reassuring and, dare I say it, hopeful.

I recommend reading Happy by Derren Brown. Some interesting stuff about expectations versus reality.

You may have anhedonia. I know I do.

www.amazon.co.uk/Feeling-Blah-Anhedonia-Joyless-Recapture/dp/180129237X

47. Very similar. Medical, so just see shit happening to people every single day, shit shit, like 5 women with cancer on a Tuesday, every Tuesday... That's my job. Yay. Always wondering what's coming for me/DH/parents. Didn't enjoy any phase of having kids, they're nice children, but every stage has just been hard/a logistical challenge, and "limiting". Their future seems dimmed, £££ to go to uni, planets burning, they don't know what they'd like to do. Mirtazipine got me out of rock bottom, but into joylessness. HRT may be helping a tiny bit, can't tell if it's just that it's summer. Want to punch anyone that discusses mindfulness, I know I should be grateful, I know it's appalling to not be grateful for health and financial security, that makes me feel bad about myself, I prefer to mentally check out. But I did start on Instagram and only ever post little things that make me happy or content. Like pictures of flowers in my garden. Or a fox. Or a seed that I've grown. It helps a bit.

Wow, this is exactly how I feel! I turned 50 this year and just that change of the first digit to a higher number was a bit of a reality check. I also lost my dad this year and yes, it really does make you aware of your own mortality and I totally get the "I'm next" feeling. I've also got a son who is thriving at university, got his first serious girlfriend, starting to plan his career etc and while that is great, it sort of hits it home even more that we soon will be unnecessary in his life, he is in effect replacing us in the world. Also he's only just starting on his life, whereas I'm finished with a lot of what he's planning, and there's just this feeling of being in the autumn of my life YSWIM! Or at least late summer!

However while I agree with everything you say, I do think that hormonal issues can have an impact on how you deal with those feelings. I've definitely noticed a pattern according to my hormones. At certain times of the month I am definitely more stable in my moods, don't overanalyse and overthink everything, I don't get anxious about every little detail, I don't think "what's the point, I'll be dead in a few years". I find more joy in little things. Then a week later it all hits again.

So personally I think it's a mixture of your actual stage of life, and your hormones making it worse. It's like adolescents experiencing teenage angst. As an adult you wonder why they're fretting over what seems trivial to us. But it's all explained by their hormones and the way this makes them able to deal with situations they find difficult or nerve-racking. So I don't see why the other end of it, losing your hormone levels, can't be accepted as reason for not dealing with that later stage of life well.

You sound like a burnt out nurse

I love this post too.
Also the PP who said less pressure more pleasure

I watched a costume drama the other day, and not that long ago I would have been identifying with the bright young thing dancing in the centre, catching the eye of the suitor, waiting for it to be me.
I realised I was actually the matrons on the edge: watching the action not partaking any more. I am 45

I think most people go through this at midlife. I suppose it's tempting to blame on menopause, but men get it too. Although I suppose men have hormones too, testosterone drops. My husband is as flat as me. We have to really focus on putting stuff in our diaries to try and alleviate it, but it's hard. My husband, never obsessed about his looks, is really struggling with the ageing process. I don't mean he is fighting it, more he sees the old man appearing and it troubles him. I don't mind the diminishing looks, I like the invisibility of not being seen, which says a lot for the society we live in. I do feel a disquiet about not be healthy.

The only time I felt anything approaching joy recently was a high speed rib trip, with all the twisty turny acrobatics out at sea. I have done these rib trips before but not for a while, always find them exhilarating, but this time I realised that it was the only time in months when I felt truly alive. It didn't last long once I was back on land, the greyness appeared quickly. Maybe I need to try extreme sports!

I know I should be grateful for what I have (and don't have) but it's hard. My mum died when I was 13, my dad died when I was in my late 20s. I passed the age my mum died a long time ago, and I coming up to the age when he died. It gives you pause for thought. I do have this feeling of what's the point in anything, we are all going to die. It's the nothing to strive for and the realisation that this is it.

Some days are better than others. Isn't there this graph that shows that life is a U shape. The high points are your young and older points, the low in the middle. At some point I hope to shift out of the midlife slump mode into a more accepting, older stage.

I also recognise this feeling, for me, things that i used to enjoy seem boring and i often find people irritating. Feel tired, don't sleep very well. My dad died a few years ago, and I can see decline in my mum's health and think I am going to be the same. Might look into HRT after reading these posts. I am 49.
Equally I agree with Poochy Paws post about it being another part of life.

would lime to add - fee flat and bored been on hrt for two years, still flat emotional and bored, been a single mum for a long long time one grown up child left home one still here, always trying to make ends meet, worried about future, bored bored bored; lost lust for life, have a stressful job, and exhaused by the weekend any advice and help?

Perimenopause.

HRT can get you out of this meh phase..

This really resonated with me. Thank you for spelling it out.

I’m so glad for this post as I don’t feel so alone with my feelings. I’m 45 and been on HRT for two months. I listen to work colleagues saying they are doing this, that and the other at the weekend and I kind of feel “meh”. I realise how very lucky I am, I have got a lovely, kind, caring, supportive husband, a few friends, good health and no financial worries but I feel like I’m staring down the barrel of a gun: alls to look forward to is aging, deteriorating body/looks and these things that my colleagues say they are doing at the weekend just make me feel “same old same old”. When I meet friends in bars for “bottomless brunches”, it just feels like this is a young persons game - I want to talk to people in a quieter environment, really connect with genuine people I can trust, and who are interesting. These “girlie” weekends sounds like a bitch fest nightmare (from some of the stuff they tell me) and for younger women who can get over hangovers a lot better. I realise I am majorly projecting here and most people enjoy the drinking weekends etc.

I used to really love working out caused I would be bathed in a wonderful endorphin glow afterwards but it’s been so long now since I have even had an endorphin high from exercise.

i wake up nearly every morning thinking OMG we’re nearly in such and such month, time is just flying by and it won’t be long before I’m 50.
I just don’t know how to give myself joy any more.

I have totally waffled on now lol 😂 I just wanted say that I hear you and I feel the same. I don’t know what would make me feel joy any more.

My husband and I have just been talking about both of us feeling the same way, early 40s, parenting an active toddler without any family help, working full time, we are just exhausted. Hard work and no play it’s the quickest road to depression, although we are not depressed in the real sense, just tired.
Try to find some time to just be OP, without the pressure to “do”, I find that helpful. Hugs xx

I feel you OP, I'll be 40 later this year and feel like this lately. I'm not in perimenopause (I don't think), just fed up with life and don't know what to do.

My father died a few months ago after a long horrible battle with dementia. I helped to care for him for the last few years, which upended my career (not that I miss it). Instead of going back to what I was doing before I'm just stuck in the part time role I've had for a while because I have no energy to do anything else - I'm just coasting along, wondering what the point is of anything. I want a better life that I'm happy with, but don't know how to get there, and don't have the money to make any radical changes. So I just plod along..

I have a strong urge to pack up a rucksack with some essentials and just head off into the wilderness and not come back, explore the world like I did in my 20's, but I know if I left my elderly mother would struggle. I am dreading the next few years with her needing more support. So I feel a bit stuck.

I have some great friends, but they are all moving on with their lives - new houses, moving away, getting married. I'm happy for them but feel disconnected somehow compared to a few years ago. I think Covid and lockdowns didn't help, I have never really got back to how I felt before.