Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Feeling indifferent about everything. Is this a midlife crisis?

70 replies

zeddybrek · 07/08/2023 22:08

From the outside it looks like I have a great life and guess that I do. Thankfully no money or health problems. DC both happy and I enjoy lots of time with them. A job I love, several holidays, friends, family, hobbies etc but deep down I have a voice that keeps telling me what's the point of it all. We're going to die anyway and who cares. The world is full of suffering and pain. This voice is getting louder and I don't know how to stop it and how to change the narrative. I did lose my Dad 2 years ago but this huge lack of care or indifference about everything has only recently become a thing. I am early 40's and generally in good health.

Sometimes I can only describe it as the highs aren't as high and the lows aren't as low. I feel sort of emotionally flat if that makes sense.

When the children go to bed, I browse on my phone, get ready for the next day etc. I don't watch TV as I forget almost everything I watch so what's the point. I have always found it hard to watch something unless I am really into. So I sit there sometimes wondering what the hell is the point of anything anymore. Just make the children happy, keep a clean home, go to work and carry on with the monotony of daily life.

Anyway point being this inner voice is bothering me. Has anyone else experienced this, is this what a mid life crisis is about? I am finding it slightly unsettling so thought I would acknowledge this voice and try to do something in case it becomes too loud and potentially an even bigger problem.

Sorry for the rambling post, I am finding it hard to explain this even to myself.

OP posts:
MrsMorrisey · 08/08/2023 02:57

DizzyRascal · 08/08/2023 00:20

Oh FGS. Not everything can be solved with HRT for women between the ages of 38 and 60! ( And I'm on it).
OP it's what is known as the Human Condition. Often, when everything is " in place" and you have everything you thought you would need, a sort of nihilistic boredom sets in. Humans thrive best with challenge, genuine ups and downs, change, mental challenge. We also need purpose and meaning in our lives. That can be different things to different people. For me it is finding some activity where I can make a positive difference to the world, and shaking up the status quo in some way, whether by trying new things or pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Have a think about how to find some deeper meaning to your life, and practice gratitude, since it's only the comfortable state of your life that allows you to be bored.

Yes. What she said.
Just do something. Change your mind set.

Toomuchrubbishonnetflix · 08/08/2023 06:32

Enter a full Ironman?! That will give you a focus.

woodenfreckle · 08/08/2023 06:46

TodaysNameIsZig · 08/08/2023 00:31

I had this after lockdown. I think because of menopause and some joint problems. No other worries at all and very unlike me. My menopause symptoms weren't too bad but I thought I'd try HRT - thank goodness I did. It's a miracle drug. I don't know why my joint issues cleared up but that plus the HRT meant I felt like my old self again. I sleep well again, I'm motivated to do things and Im happy.

Exactly my story.

Nitgel · 08/08/2023 06:46

I lost my dad this year too and feel the same as op. Been on hrt 3 years so isn't that. Life is just chugging along.

JobChangeSoonPlease · 08/08/2023 06:54

At 44 I felt the same. I stopped cooking and doing much around the house. Totally MEH feeling about everything. Followed by insomnia and night sweats.
That's when it rang a bell and I started HRT.
Good as new in around 3-4 months.

sheepdreams · 08/08/2023 06:54

Poochypaws

just as Poochypaws explained. Could not agree more.

User1800 · 08/08/2023 07:00

I was feeling like that on a low dose of HRT - have upped it from 50-75 Estrogel patch and bizarrely am now struggling with what feels like being flooded with emotions, am more touchy but highs are higher and it’s increased my libido - I’m hoping things will settle down a bit as the weeks go on

DaisyThistle · 08/08/2023 07:13

I like a PP's point that not everything can be solved by HRT and that this is actually a natural phase of being human. I have felt this at times. Far too often recently. I have never taken HRT - something about it really puts me off. I'd rather work through this stuff myself. I find journalling helpful. When you get that 'what's the point?' voice - tell yourself the point, in writing. The point is to love and care for your children while they need you. The point is not that you die anyway, but that you live first! Life is a gift. You don't get to do it perfectly and you don't get to do everything you intended and you let yourself down sometimes, but you also get moments of intense joy and purpose.

I had a similar feeling earlier this year going on a bucket list holiday which I just quite enjoyed. I felt like a fraud. It was supposed to be so exciting and everyone kept asking about it. I just felt that it was very nice, but not that rush of joy I'd had last time I'd done something similar. That flatness stayed until I took on a new slightly nerve wracking work project that went well and I got a buzz of deep happiness from it, proving that buzz is still possible, but maybe from different sources.

If the triathlon no longer appeals, why not do something very different with your body? Instead of pushing it - connect with it - yoga or dance or wild hikes in nature at a pace where you can enjoy the changing light, the glimpse of a hare in a field, the ripening blackberries. Less pressure, more pleasure.

Heatherbell1978 · 08/08/2023 07:36

DizzyRascal · 08/08/2023 00:20

Oh FGS. Not everything can be solved with HRT for women between the ages of 38 and 60! ( And I'm on it).
OP it's what is known as the Human Condition. Often, when everything is " in place" and you have everything you thought you would need, a sort of nihilistic boredom sets in. Humans thrive best with challenge, genuine ups and downs, change, mental challenge. We also need purpose and meaning in our lives. That can be different things to different people. For me it is finding some activity where I can make a positive difference to the world, and shaking up the status quo in some way, whether by trying new things or pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Have a think about how to find some deeper meaning to your life, and practice gratitude, since it's only the comfortable state of your life that allows you to be bored.

Good perspective. In my case I genuinely have symptoms (insomnia and anxiety mainly) that merit trying HRT - which so far isn't the silver bullet I'd hoped for. But I relate to what you're saying here. I feel like I'm always looking for some kind of project to fill a void.

Heatherbell1978 · 08/08/2023 07:38

Those who describe HRT as a miracle drug - which one are you on? I'm 4 months in to Elleste Duet 2mg and it's had no impact on me whatsoever...

Ragwort · 08/08/2023 07:49

Agree with Dizzy ... and I'm well passed menopause age - had no effect on me anyway. Life does get very 'samey' after a while .. yes of course I know I'm lucky not to have health or money worries but I no longer feel much 'excitement' about anything else. Reading some of the threads on here about new babies, Christmas, holidays, home extensions or whatever my reaction is 'so what' ... I enjoy my volunteering and agree that just practicing quiet gratitude is the best way to get through life. Smile

StarPotential · 08/08/2023 07:59

I was drawn to your title as I feel the same. Weirdly, I lost my father two years ago too. I don’t think my life recovered after lockdown tbh so that didn’t help. Not sure about the hrt debate tbh although I have been on it some time myself. I do agree with the op who said it’s the natural order of things as we get older.

I am personally not looking for the buzz but I am older than you op. I am doing the opposite - keeping things simple and not putting pressure on myself rushing about everywhere trying to do everything.

ssd · 08/08/2023 08:00

You aren't a nobody and a nothing @Poochypaws...there's lots of women who will read your post and totally agree with you. I'm one of them.

ssd · 08/08/2023 08:02

I also dont think stating hrt is a wonder drug, helps anyone. For everyone who tries it theres someone else it hasn't helped. Its worth trying but dont expect miracles.

lking12 · 08/08/2023 08:14

dont have any solutions but sometimes I just hear Peggy Lee singing ‘is that all there is’?

But I would still be devastated tomorrow if I was diagnosed with a life limiting illness say!

I feel quite trapped by young children, finances etc.
If I do feel a bit low I remind myself if the basics here;
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/guides-tools-and-activities/five-steps-to-mental-wellbeing/

nhs.uk

5 steps to mental wellbeing

Read about 5 steps you can take to improve your mental health and wellbeing.

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/guides-tools-and-activities/five-steps-to-mental-wellbeing/

Zolf · 08/08/2023 08:44

I'm almost 40 and feel exactly the same. No kids (by choice) so I don't have that 'next step' either. I remember feeling hopeful and excited about the future, and a few years ago realising that I didn't feel like that anymore. PPs have put it beautifully - we've been there, got the t-shirt and are no longer the bright shiny 18 year old with the world at our feet. I don't think the general crappness of the world at the moment helps either.

Original poster
zeddybrek · 08/08/2023 09:02

Thank you everyone for your replies, I am really very grateful. It has provided context and avenues to explore. Natural order of life, practicing quiet gratitude, and just life and accepting it as well as learning about HRT. I just don't know enough about this topic. No one really prepares us for the different stages of life so I really appreciate everyones views and experiences.

OP posts:
Original poster
zeddybrek · 08/08/2023 09:04

@Zolf thanks for replying and yes it does seem that way. I remember a time when I would hear a song I liked and and lyrics would just wow me. That doesn't seem to happen much either which is a shame. It's those small changes that add up.

OP posts:
Original poster
zeddybrek · 08/08/2023 09:05

@lking12 will definitely have a look at the link, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
zeddybrek · 08/08/2023 09:07

@StarPotential sorry for your loss x I like how you put it, the natural order of life. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
zeddybrek · 08/08/2023 09:09

@DizzyRascal I loved your post thank you. I think the things I have been doing may be viewed as challenging but aren't necessarily for me. I don't mean to sound like I'm showing off but that might be it. Thank you for providing a different perspective, just what I need.

OP posts:
Original poster
zeddybrek · 08/08/2023 09:11

@Toomuchrubbishonnetflix I love your username and can't agree more! A full Ironman would really push me, maybe that is what I need. A few other have suggested getting out of my comfort zone. Adding it to the to the list. Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
zeddybrek · 08/08/2023 09:14

@Poochypaws yes this is me and my kids have just started becoming more independent. Up to that point you have just described me. Thank you for your detailed post. We are here for a good time .... That will stay with me.

OP posts:
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 08/08/2023 09:18

i had a bad dose of this after dm died. I’d been caring for her to a degree. It took a few months but I had a real mood crash too - loss of sense of purpose, kids didnt need me any more, dh adores me but could manage perfectly well without me, job pointless, flat mood, wouldnt throw myself under a bus but couldn’t see the point of getting out of the way of one if I happened to step in front of it.

HRT fixed it - GP diagnosed the problem and recommended upping my HRT, not ADs. And prescribed testosterone when I asked for that too.

Ohwellpetunia · 08/08/2023 09:19

Poochypaws · 08/08/2023 01:51

Yes I think from young up to about mid forties we have 'next stage' normal goals that most humans end up doing.

So when you're in your twenties your looking for the one to marry with all that entails and trying to build your career. Everything is fresh and exciting and you're bursting with energy.

Next you're moving in together, maybe getting married which is alot of excitement and highs. You talk alot about the future and the goals you have together.

Next you are pregnant and everyone is fussing over you. The excitement of the new baby and all the new things you have to learn. Maybe a big promotion at work as you scale the ladder and become the boss. Maybe a move to your dream house that you've been saving so hard for.

Once you get to the next stage - kids no longer need you as much, career has stalled a bit or no longer holds the same enthusiasm and well you're just a tiny bit bored with your other half. Nothing is really 'wrong' as such but you're not sure what the next stage is. Life feels a bit directionless.

I think this is entirely normal around mid to late forties. When your parent dies you suddenly realise 'you're next' in your family and that you might only have another X years left. Death always makes you very aware of your own mortality. Suddenly it feels like you are wasting the time you have been given instead of making it count. You start to feel dissatisfied.

Between realising the bigger picture of this and there not being any natural next step goals I think you feel a bit lost, pointless and like you say 'I'll be dead soon so what's the point of most of it'

Someone I once knew said 'we're not here for a long time, we're here for a good time' and I like that. It says we are tiny insignificant dots so don't worry just try to find whatever bits of happiness and contentment you can.

For me as I am past that stage and older than you it's my pets who live in the moment and find joy in everyday. It's growing plants, fruit and veg and nurturing them. I have more appreciation of things I used to have no interest in at all such as world events and cultures, nature, weather, history. I've dabbled with some crafts. I support some charities. I certainly have days of nostalgia when I think of younger me striding out to my fancy car to go to my big job wearing my designer suits running my own team. The world felt at my finger tips and now I am a nobody and a nothing. I'm grey, I'm overweight, I'm exhausted, I'm invisible. However with age comes a quiet acceptance of the whole 'time to live, time to die, time to sow, time to pluck up what was planted, a time to laugh, a time to mourn.....

I hope you find your way. Hugs

I love this post