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Original poster

Do you think dating as teen is important?

56 replies

nosmallfeet · 07/08/2023 19:06

I started dating at 13 and had my first boyfriend at 14 my first serious long term boyfriend at 15 who I dated for almost 2 years then some other boyfriends and guys I was seeing informally.

I met my now husband at university when I was 18 and knew very quickly what an amazing catch he was due to my experience with guys and so knew we would stay together and we have. I used to feel like I wish I hadn't wasted my time with the other guys but really they all did serve to show me things I came to know I wouldn't want in a long term partner such as guys with controlling abusive behaviour, guys who were just unreliable and uncommitted, guys who felt they could do better or were paranoid that you would.

Sure I got hurt at times and had a bit of teen drama in my life but I was also young and it was easy to bounce back and at that age there are no shortage of interested guys as most people were not yet paired up.

Its true that I have never been single / not dating in my adult life but after I got together with my husband we still did long distance, and we both lived over seas separately for work and study so we have each lived alone and had our own lives prior to living together and marriage.

I knew other women who didn't date till university and a common pattern was to get serious with a guy stay with them for the whole of uni, move in after graduation. then over the next few years get fed up of them, feel like they were missing out or they got fed up with the boyfriend not proposing, still behaving like a student and they'd split up have some fun years but then struggle to actually find someone else to settle down or have kids with. Quite a few of them never did find a long term partner and aren't happy about that.

I don't know if this is true but I wonder if dating younger as a teen has a benefit of letting you get dating lots of guys out your system, trying out different relationships and people at that age finding what works, what you don't want and then being able to spot a good thing when you see it and holding on to it?

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 07/08/2023 19:11

With dating apps so many goalposts have changed that I can't see how what came before in this particular subject has much relevance to the here now and beyond.

Singleandproud · 07/08/2023 19:12

I think dating and being in a relationship teaches important skills. I do think having relationships early in puberty isn't wise though as children grow up too fast, I think 16+ is probably a good age. Old enough to have a job and to pay for your own dates etc.

I haven't dated really since I had DD at 22, I've lived on my own (well with DD) since then and definitely feel like I've missed out on learning skills I should probably have by now if I date in future. Things like men my age (mid 30s) are very much 'men' that can grow full (and graying) beards whereas when I was dating in my 20s they were still in the lanky boy phase with no chance of growing anything more than bum-fluff on their chins which is a bit weird.

frozendaisy · 07/08/2023 19:13

No one I know what wanted a long term partner and kids failed to achieve that. Regardless of their dating history getting there.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
Original poster
nosmallfeet · 07/08/2023 19:13

@frozendaisy I think it still stands because then you are meeting people before they get habituated to the apps and when their is the biggest available pool of men.

OP posts:
Beamur · 07/08/2023 19:13

Not every teen wants to date.
Not every teen (girl) wants to date boys.
I don't think you can generalise like this.

BCBird · 07/08/2023 19:13

I didn't dare till mid 40s🙈 think if I'd had sime experience before I would not have been so taken in with the charm. Oh well.

Original poster
nosmallfeet · 07/08/2023 19:15

Beamur · 07/08/2023 19:13

Not every teen wants to date.
Not every teen (girl) wants to date boys.
I don't think you can generalise like this.

It isn't about forcing anyone only about saying that their are advantages for doing so as well as drawbacks.

OP posts:
GalileoHumpkins · 07/08/2023 19:17

I started dating at 13 and had my first boyfriend at 14 my first serious long term boyfriend at 15 who I dated for almost 2 years then some other boyfriends and guys I was seeing informally
I think that's a lot for someone so young, did you feel like you had to be attached to a boyfriend at all times for some reason?
I didn't date seriously in my teens or twenties, I had no interest in it and certainly didn't want to commit to anyone.
You sound a bit smug and as though you pity women who haven't been able to snag a man.

Original poster
nosmallfeet · 07/08/2023 19:20

GalileoHumpkins · 07/08/2023 19:17

I started dating at 13 and had my first boyfriend at 14 my first serious long term boyfriend at 15 who I dated for almost 2 years then some other boyfriends and guys I was seeing informally
I think that's a lot for someone so young, did you feel like you had to be attached to a boyfriend at all times for some reason?
I didn't date seriously in my teens or twenties, I had no interest in it and certainly didn't want to commit to anyone.
You sound a bit smug and as though you pity women who haven't been able to snag a man.

No not really at first I was thrilled boys liked me but as I grew in confidence I went out with boys because I liked it and enjoyed being with them.

I'm not smug but just very happy with how things went and am just thinking that there are some advantages to dating young, getting experience and then being able to get the best guy for you from the largest available pool of men in your age group.

OP posts:
MyMachineAndMe · 07/08/2023 19:22

I didn't date until I was 17. I knew him for almost 4 years but it was one big use. The same pattern repeated itself several times for me before I spent some time on my own. I met dh online in my late 20s.

I'm not sure if experience is important or simply being strong enough to refuse to be treated with anything less than love and respect. In theory, a good upbringing and plenty of positive relationships with family and friends should be enough to help you forge a strong, healthy long-term partnership.

Original poster
nosmallfeet · 07/08/2023 19:25

MyMachineAndMe · 07/08/2023 19:22

I didn't date until I was 17. I knew him for almost 4 years but it was one big use. The same pattern repeated itself several times for me before I spent some time on my own. I met dh online in my late 20s.

I'm not sure if experience is important or simply being strong enough to refuse to be treated with anything less than love and respect. In theory, a good upbringing and plenty of positive relationships with family and friends should be enough to help you forge a strong, healthy long-term partnership.

I was probably propelled by my libido into relationships before I really knew what to expect but having said that I really didn't take any shit, if some guy treated me badly then there was always someone else happy to take his place and I did a lot of dumping. I think the fact that even though my parents did give me a lot of freedom to date they were very present in my life and my Dad was a bit scary looking ( even though he's never harmed a fly) so I didn't get too much trouble.

OP posts:
rickaaaayyyy · 07/08/2023 19:29

GalileoHumpkins · 07/08/2023 19:17

I started dating at 13 and had my first boyfriend at 14 my first serious long term boyfriend at 15 who I dated for almost 2 years then some other boyfriends and guys I was seeing informally
I think that's a lot for someone so young, did you feel like you had to be attached to a boyfriend at all times for some reason?
I didn't date seriously in my teens or twenties, I had no interest in it and certainly didn't want to commit to anyone.
You sound a bit smug and as though you pity women who haven't been able to snag a man.

She doesn't sound smug at all? And pitiful? Wtf?

FWIW I started dating at 15, had a 2 year relationship with a girl, had a couple years off, dated another guy (who's a famous singer now 🤣) and met DH when I was 19.

I'm now 29, married, happy and wouldn't have it any other way. I didn't 'need' to have a relationship. I didn't have a relationship the whole time. I just had fun and did whatever I fancied (literally) at that age.

RantyAnty · 07/08/2023 19:33

I dated young, married young, widowed young.

Having a man is no longer the best all end all for a woman.

merryhouse · 07/08/2023 19:36

I married the second person I snogged.

Still here three decades later. I could see his good points despite not having had previous relationships.

Marblessolveeverything · 07/08/2023 19:40

I will be encouraging my teen and his cousin to take the time to know themselves. Build friendships, have adventures..I saw too many young girls date because they saw themselves as being not "grown up" unless part of a duo. I dated early, 14 and it was positive but I see a lot of young people isolated in couples now.

Original poster
nosmallfeet · 07/08/2023 19:41

"Having a man is no longer the best all end all for a woman."

@RantyAnty This is true but I personally wanted to be in a committed relationship with a man, I didn't let to stop me doing other things, doing a masters and working abroad but I enjoy being with a man, always have.

OP posts:
Original poster
nosmallfeet · 07/08/2023 19:44

Marblessolveeverything · 07/08/2023 19:40

I will be encouraging my teen and his cousin to take the time to know themselves. Build friendships, have adventures..I saw too many young girls date because they saw themselves as being not "grown up" unless part of a duo. I dated early, 14 and it was positive but I see a lot of young people isolated in couples now.

I can see this too, I used to think it had been a waste of time to date those other guys though at that age but I would have missed out on my DH if I hadn't done all that young though as I wouldn't have had it out of my system yet. I can also say that even though I've had a full life and met a lot of lovely men in my time I've never met one as good or who I have wanted to be with as much as DH.

OP posts:
neonjumper · 07/08/2023 19:55

I find your thinking very odd . At 13/14/15 children are still developing their personalities and developing a sense of self .

You sound like you only felt and still feel validated only if you have a partner. Putting other people down , whose relationships have not continued or have not followed your pattern, seems to be another way for you to validate your being in a continuous relationship.

EggOverEasy · 07/08/2023 19:57

Confirmation bias. I

People are different and want different things. There is something to be said for discovering who you and learning how to be happy being single before deciding to be in a long term relationship. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hiddenvoice · 07/08/2023 20:03

For me yes and no. I experienced what I thought was heart break as a teenager and I’m glad I went through it. It showed me who I could fall back on when I needed support. I didn’t start dating until I was about 15/ 16 though.
My dh didn’t start dating till he was 19. His reason for it was he didn’t feel ready. We went to school together so I know girls who liked him and who asked him out but he always politely declined. He felt like he didn’t miss out and didn’t want it as he was happy just hanging out with friends and felt like he wanted to leave that pressure to when he was mature enough for it.

I guess it depends on each person. If a teenager feels they need to date to feel happy then I’d suggest they don’t date and discover who they are as an individual first.

My dh and I have different relationship backgrounds, I was more experienced than him but it’s never really come up in our relationship. I don’t think people would have noticed based on either of our reactions if that makes any sense.

Bananasplitlady · 07/08/2023 20:08

I was glad DD did not date at 13, I don't think children dating is important. I don't think children should define themselves by who fancies them and I don't think there is anything more important than figuring out who you are, what you want and a bit about life without relying on a relationship to do so. I think some people need a relationship but I think that dependence on 'a man' or anyone else means you lose out in other areas, which people who settle down young are always at great pains to say is exactly what they wanted and they don't feel they lost out on any thing. Essentially, each to one's own, twas ever thus.

shivawn · 07/08/2023 20:13

My husband was my first boyfriend, we're together 15 years now and going strong.

SarahAndQuack · 07/08/2023 20:20

I don't think dating as a teen is important per se, but I do think teens shouldn't be banned from dating/exploring romantic relationships - that possibly is dangerous.

edwinbear · 07/08/2023 20:34

I don’t think it’s important for children to date, no. I started quite young, similar age to OP and was in and out of various ‘boyfriends’ and crushes over the years, but no way was I ready to settle down at 18. I met DH at 25, married at 29, the ‘available pool’ was ample big enough for me in my mid 20’s. I was too busy focusing on my education, establishing my career, having fun with my friends to focus on a bloke. Maybe if I’d met him at 18 I would have felt different, but I didn’t and it’s all worked out fine.

Simonjt · 07/08/2023 20:54

I would have liked to have had the opportunity to date as a teenager, as an adult it would be nice (and likely cringe) to look back on. It would also mean I didn’t make so much of a fool of myself when I first started dating at 25.