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Original poster

Do you think dating as teen is important?

56 replies

nosmallfeet · 07/08/2023 19:06

I started dating at 13 and had my first boyfriend at 14 my first serious long term boyfriend at 15 who I dated for almost 2 years then some other boyfriends and guys I was seeing informally.

I met my now husband at university when I was 18 and knew very quickly what an amazing catch he was due to my experience with guys and so knew we would stay together and we have. I used to feel like I wish I hadn't wasted my time with the other guys but really they all did serve to show me things I came to know I wouldn't want in a long term partner such as guys with controlling abusive behaviour, guys who were just unreliable and uncommitted, guys who felt they could do better or were paranoid that you would.

Sure I got hurt at times and had a bit of teen drama in my life but I was also young and it was easy to bounce back and at that age there are no shortage of interested guys as most people were not yet paired up.

Its true that I have never been single / not dating in my adult life but after I got together with my husband we still did long distance, and we both lived over seas separately for work and study so we have each lived alone and had our own lives prior to living together and marriage.

I knew other women who didn't date till university and a common pattern was to get serious with a guy stay with them for the whole of uni, move in after graduation. then over the next few years get fed up of them, feel like they were missing out or they got fed up with the boyfriend not proposing, still behaving like a student and they'd split up have some fun years but then struggle to actually find someone else to settle down or have kids with. Quite a few of them never did find a long term partner and aren't happy about that.

I don't know if this is true but I wonder if dating younger as a teen has a benefit of letting you get dating lots of guys out your system, trying out different relationships and people at that age finding what works, what you don't want and then being able to spot a good thing when you see it and holding on to it?

OP posts:
abcdefghijklmnopandthatsit · 07/08/2023 20:58

The flip side is that, by having had a series of boyfriends but also been single for a lot of my 20s, I feel that being with DH is as active positive choice as I know that I can function perfectly well without a man in my life.

HundredMilesAnHour · 07/08/2023 21:02

neonjumper · 07/08/2023 19:55

I find your thinking very odd . At 13/14/15 children are still developing their personalities and developing a sense of self .

You sound like you only felt and still feel validated only if you have a partner. Putting other people down , whose relationships have not continued or have not followed your pattern, seems to be another way for you to validate your being in a continuous relationship.

Totally agree with this. I find the OP's attitude very concerning actually.

Duchessofspace · 07/08/2023 21:05

My eldest is 16+ and hasn’t been on a date - she is developing her own (strong) opinions and also reading a lot about boundaries and good relationships and how they work - I’m very proud of her doing this

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
SemperIdem · 07/08/2023 21:07

I don’t think it is particularly important, no.

I think it is very important that young people aren’t encouraged to get into overly serious relationships when they’re barely more than children, actually.

minipie · 07/08/2023 21:09

I had zero libido until probably 17 or 18 so dating in my earlier teens would have been pretty weird and for all the wrong reasons. (in fact my one younger teenage relationship was very limited and awkward for this reason).

I think perhaps what you really mean is “it’s a good idea to have dated a few people before picking your life partner” - I would agree there definitely are some benefits to that. On the other hand, if you find someone great early on, it would be ridiculous to ditch them purely to try out others.

DaisyWaldron · 07/08/2023 21:13

I can't think of a single person I knew when I was school-aged who I'd have wanted to date, so I'm glad I waited until I found someone I actually liked and was attracted to.

Original poster
nosmallfeet · 07/08/2023 21:18

Some posters are jumping to the conclusion that I only felt validated by having a man and being in a relationship which isn't the case at all. I wanted a partner and I wanted to be able to have lots of sex within a committed relationship, it isn't unusual to want those things, I'd say most people do. However my self worth did not come from having men like or want me (although they did and I admit that can be quite nice) or having a man. Yes I was in a committed relationship pretty young but it didn't stop me doing anything I wanted like getting my degree, my masters, studying and working abroad with and without my husband.

OP posts:
Original poster
nosmallfeet · 07/08/2023 21:20

DaisyWaldron · 07/08/2023 21:13

I can't think of a single person I knew when I was school-aged who I'd have wanted to date, so I'm glad I waited until I found someone I actually liked and was attracted to.

Well I did tend to date boys a few years older and only once from my school in general there the boys felt more like brothers than potential dates.

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 07/08/2023 21:30

It's a bit weird that you affirm the choice of a good partner based on your immature experiences from 13-18.

(Not a dig, but you and they were both young.)

I am 34, have been with my husband since I was 18. He's lovely.

And I didn't date any dodgy boys to "learn" how to recognize good behaviour. I didn't need negative experiences to identify a positive one.

I have a lot of a problem with the "kiss the frogs to find the prince" narrative, and this feels a lot like that.

Original poster
nosmallfeet · 07/08/2023 21:35

thecatsthecats · 07/08/2023 21:30

It's a bit weird that you affirm the choice of a good partner based on your immature experiences from 13-18.

(Not a dig, but you and they were both young.)

I am 34, have been with my husband since I was 18. He's lovely.

And I didn't date any dodgy boys to "learn" how to recognize good behaviour. I didn't need negative experiences to identify a positive one.

I have a lot of a problem with the "kiss the frogs to find the prince" narrative, and this feels a lot like that.

Well they weren't all frogs some of them were rather nice but perhaps not the best boyfriend material!

OP posts:
Kazzyhoward · 07/08/2023 21:41

I didn't need to date loads of boys to "weed out" the bad ones. It was always blindingly obvious to me who were the ones to avoid for lots of different reasons. I was VERY picky before I went out with anyone. If I did go on a date, it already meant they'd "passed" my stringent selection criteria which was mostly based on personality, respectfulness, behaviour, etc rather than whether I superficially fancied them or not. I didn't kiss any frogs. I didn't kiss many boys at all really. Just two, actually, and I've been with the second one for 36 years now! I just didn't want the hassle and drama of lots of boyfriends, all that breaking up, being messed around, etc. I saw how it was with my school friends who were into doing lots of dating. I just preferred to concentrate on studying and getting the best grades possible in exams to look towards a successful future, and I chose potential boyfriends by the same criteria.

Original poster
nosmallfeet · 07/08/2023 21:49

Kazzyhoward · 07/08/2023 21:41

I didn't need to date loads of boys to "weed out" the bad ones. It was always blindingly obvious to me who were the ones to avoid for lots of different reasons. I was VERY picky before I went out with anyone. If I did go on a date, it already meant they'd "passed" my stringent selection criteria which was mostly based on personality, respectfulness, behaviour, etc rather than whether I superficially fancied them or not. I didn't kiss any frogs. I didn't kiss many boys at all really. Just two, actually, and I've been with the second one for 36 years now! I just didn't want the hassle and drama of lots of boyfriends, all that breaking up, being messed around, etc. I saw how it was with my school friends who were into doing lots of dating. I just preferred to concentrate on studying and getting the best grades possible in exams to look towards a successful future, and I chose potential boyfriends by the same criteria.

I suppose I might not have needed to kiss to many frogs if I had waited but the truth is I did enjoy much of it and I'm glad I got it out of my system before I met my DH. I don't think there was a lot of drama just a normal teenage amount and my "love life" never really affected my studies or grades in any way but that came easy to me.

OP posts:
Oblomov23 · 07/08/2023 21:50

That is quite young. No, I don't think it's necessary. But a few boyfriends late teens, early 20's., probably helps, to atleast have some relationship experience.

Saying that I knew what I was looking for from the off! And ds1 had a girlfriend for A'level's and is now more aware of what he wants. So if you are emotionally astute you may well know from an early age and may not need to date loads of wastrels.

strawberrymullercorner · 07/08/2023 21:57

You think your dating experience age 13 to 18 made sure you picked the right man at 18 to marry? Okay then.

Original poster
nosmallfeet · 07/08/2023 21:59

strawberrymullercorner · 07/08/2023 21:57

You think your dating experience age 13 to 18 made sure you picked the right man at 18 to marry? Okay then.

I just posted as counterpoint to the common narrative that its better to stay single and focus on yourself, studies and not date. I'm not saying doing that is wrong only that there are positives about dating in your teens too,

OP posts:
LucyGru · 07/08/2023 22:03

One of my teenage daughters doesn't date because, as she puts it, teenage boys are pretty unsophisticated compared to teenage girls, and guys in their 20s who want to date schoolgirls are dodgy. Who does that leave?

My other daughter is gay.

strawberrymullercorner · 07/08/2023 22:07

In answer to your question, I don't think 13 year old children should be dating, no.

gogomoto · 07/08/2023 22:10

My eldest wasn't ready, she dated her first boyfriend at 20, dsd wasn't ready, she was 21 when she dated for the first time, youngest dd was up to no good behind my back I've since discovered, all that "studying" wasn't for GCSEs! It's when they are ready

continentallentil · 07/08/2023 22:10

I don’t think dating as a teen gives any experience of proper relationships, you are both just kids.

But yes I think it’s a good idea to date different people before you marry.

How old are you OP?

WandaWonder · 07/08/2023 22:15

I was in my early 20s when I had my first bf I was not ready till then, I am now long term married but met my now husband in the same year

I don't think there is a must at any time

DaisyWaldron · 08/08/2023 05:46

nosmallfeet · 07/08/2023 21:20

Well I did tend to date boys a few years older and only once from my school in general there the boys felt more like brothers than potential dates.

Show quote history

So you think it's not only a good idea for very young teenagers to date boys, but also to date boys a few years older than them in order to have good relationships?

And your implication in response to my post is that you think it's better for a teenage girl to date someone she isn't attracted to than to be single.

This obviously worked out for you, but as the responses show, it wouldn't for lots of other people. It's like someone saying that girls should marry one of the boys they went to school with if she has a happy marriage to a boy from her primary school class. Your positive experience is someone else's terrible relationship because we're all different.

AlmostTotallyFake · 08/08/2023 06:20

You sound oddly self congratulatory OP.

Augustus40 · 08/08/2023 07:47

I think it is very unhealthy to be constantly in relationships.

PretendUsername · 08/08/2023 07:59

You talk about boys lining up to date you and having no shortage of boys interested. You do understand not everyone is an attractive teenager right? I had the most horrendous acne and weight issues, I don't even recognise photographs of myself as a teenager. These options are only available to somewhat attractive teens, not the awkwardly ugly ones. I was very much interested in dating as a teen but it took until my 20s to find anyone who took an interest in me. This whole thread seems bizarre, you seem to have very little awareness for the teenage experience of your peers! This lack of self awareness is quite typical for the popular/pretty kid at school but they've usually grown out of it by adulthood. Honestly you're a bit cringe. 🤦‍♀️

EBearhug · 08/08/2023 08:08

It's not always a choice. No one ever wanted to go out with me, and as much as I felt I was the only one, I'm fairly sure I wasn't.

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