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Original poster

The idea of multigenerational living

57 replies

RoloThough · 05/08/2023 16:20

I think it’s a really good idea if it works for your family. Was having this chat with my mum earlier. They’re mortgage free & have a lovely big 4 bed detached forever home in a desirable area. We rent a 2 bed home. They have got, by their own admission, too much space and we could do with more space as we want to start a family soon. If we were to move in with my parents and pay all of their utility bills and food shopping, we would still be better off than we are now and they wouldn’t have to pay a penny.

I can really see why multiple generations stay in the same house and I in many ways wish it was feasible to move back in with them. As it stands, it’s not- main reason being we have different lifestyles, it’s hard to negotiate use of a kitchen for cooking (they like very particular food) & DH is a shift worker so him getting home or getting up at 4am and bumping around would disrupt their sleep.

I wonder if with rising costs more people will turn to living with relatives and this will become more normalised again? I know in some cultures it is already what most families do but you can easily see the positives to it i guess especially if the house you’re all living in accommodates different people

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
YellowReadingLamp · 05/08/2023 16:24

It was part of the reason my marriage broke down.

I lived abroad where expectation was that you lived with your in-laws.

I couldn't ever fully relax. Felt like my every action was being judged. I did not conform with some cultural "norms" in so much as I did not hero worship my husband and act like some sort of slave to him. I worked full time and earned significantly more than him.

Now that I'm back in the UK I couldn't ever live with my parents either.

I'm autistic and my personal space means too much to me. I live with partner and kids and that's fine but I couldn't handle anyone else moving in.

RandomMess · 05/08/2023 16:26

I think it will become more normal in that adult kids will live with their parents and save up until they are much older before moving out.

It's hard coping with your DC partners moving in. Was very pleased when they moved out, still more DC to move out yet.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 05/08/2023 16:27

What happens if their home has to be sold for care costs?

Who gets to do the care if they can be looked after at home? (actually, I think I already know the answer to this one).

What happens about inheritances? could get complicated if GPs die and house has to be sold for probate.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
Caspianberg · 05/08/2023 16:28

It’s very common where I live. Houses are designed better for it though. Ie with have a Ds, our house can easily be used for he later on has his own entrance, living space, kitchen etc and 2 separate bedrooms and bathroom. The house can be opened up to live together, or you just close a few doors for separate living.

Most people living together have for example grandparents live on one floor, parents and children another. Each with separate everything. Then there’s a communal living space or door opening going on when together

SwedishEdith · 05/08/2023 16:29

Which family do you live with? Your parents or your partner's parents? What about siblings and then inheritance when parents die? Lots of houses near me have been overextended for multi generational living. Great for them for now but very difficult to sell when family dynamics change.

PinkPlantCase · 05/08/2023 16:39

I think there are merits to it. However I really don’t think I could live with my DM, we’d drive each other mad.

I do however still have a set of grandparents, they’re in their 90s. If one of them passes away I would ask if the remaining one wanted to move in with us. They absolutely adore our DC and I’d worry about the loneliness of them living alone. Especially now most of their friends have passed too. I think there’d be benefits for both parties. They might not want to, which would be fine too.

That’s quite a difference set up to the one your describing though, we have already established ourselves as a family unit with our own house and have our own way of doing things.

gaifren · 05/08/2023 17:01

The very thought of it makes me shudder. I've gone NC with my family in the past year. My ILs are OK but I'm happy to see them once a year as they live abroad. I like to have family life centered around my nuclear family and don't involve extended family very much. We're fortunate that we can afford a home large enough for our family's needs but it would feel intrusive to have anyone else coming to live here.

I can see how it might meet some needs financially but in a way it's not financially optimal because you lose out on multiple entitlements for private residence relief on your main home, stamp duty etc.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 05/08/2023 17:05

DM and us three children lived with DGPs after DF died. They had the room and we needed to move to the city so DM could find work. Living with DGF was great; with a toxic narcissistic witch of a GM who disliked me and made no secret of it (and made no secret of the fact that in old age she expected to be looked after by DM), not so much.

TeeBee · 05/08/2023 17:07

I'd rather boil my own eyes than live with either of my parents...and I hope my kids don't get any funny ideas either. I can kind of understand it when a family member gets old and they live in an annex but otherwise I couldn't make it work. I need my own space.

megletthesecond · 05/08/2023 17:11

I think it could work in a big enough house where everyone has their own social space as well as bedroom and plenty of bathrooms.
It would be miserable in a 3/4 bed house with one living room.

Sailingthissummer · 05/08/2023 17:31

We have a house that is designed for multigenerational living. I would say unless you are very close and get on extremely well it just doesn’t work. Basically the dynamics will often flick straight into whatever they were as you were growing up. No matter how adult and considered you are now: for most people it will be a massive strain only attempted in emergencies and at Christmas.

I do however see that adult children might well ‘stay on’ and ground rules gradually adapted to accommodate everyone comfortably. Especially if the adult children are working, independent and drive.

dontgobaconmyheart · 05/08/2023 18:03

I think the reality of it rarely works as well as the idea seems like it will (and for an idea that appears to have so many benefits on the face of it)

I know of several people who've done it and seen an awful lot of fallings out where there were none before, particularly if it involves a partner also living with an in-law - some of them so serious that there is no longer contact even.

I have a few friends who've had to live with their parents for financial reasons who get on fine while they're single but even then I don't think it's fantastic for relations when generations often have such different expectations of cleanliness, noise levels, comings and goings, dinnertimes etc.

ShreddiesGirl · 05/08/2023 18:04

Our marriage wouldn't survive living with either side of our families.

jotunn · 05/08/2023 18:11

We do. My parents moved in with us during covid and we have a big enough house to have plenty of space for everyone (rambly farmhouse) so we each have office / bedrooms/ bathroom / living rooms.

Kitchen is shared but DM is immobile so DH or I cook what we want to eat and parents either eat it or get a takeaway.

DPs own their own house but can't live in it anymore as it was a townhouse type thing so that is let out. At the moment mum is fine with dad and a cater doing her personal care and DH our DCs and I doing the housekeeping / maintenance/ chitchat stuff which we'd be doing anyway. If she needs more care, she has a very good pension and dps would sell their house if necessary. I don't think dad will stay living with us after mum passes, he'll buy a tiny flat somewhere near his hobby and we'll probably see him for lunch every now and then. Bills are split 2/3 me and DH 1/3 DPs.

Enough space and being very clear about finances and boundaries is absolutely crucial.

Ponderingwindow · 05/08/2023 18:20

Often multigenerational living comes with the cultural expectation of female service to the family. Unless that expectation is thoroughly broken and a more egalitarian model of family labor becomes the norm, I don’t think we should be encouraging this model.

Marblessolveeverything · 05/08/2023 18:24

Not for me, late 40s here. Love my family but I want privacy for me and partner it simply isn't really possible in shared space. I can do a long weekend etc but by the third day I want to not be "on", and neither does he. We both know it would kill our sex life as well so it's a nope for us.

Happy to help out family but not live together.

studentgrant · 05/08/2023 18:25

I'm sure there are adaptations that can be made to larger homes to make it doable for all sides.

JustaChristian · 05/08/2023 18:29

No, it is not very nice unless your parents keep very very quiet and leave you get on with it in their own house. I am coming from a culture where many people live parents and grand parents but the educated do not and the educated when buying a new house, factor in a granny flat or options for adult elderly care because not many care homes around.

Beamur · 05/08/2023 18:36

My Mum used to stay 2 nights a week without any issues. I think if our house was a bit bigger we could have made it work, but I think you do need to be able to have some privacy to relax apart.
She was a naturally tidy person too, so I would come home to a clean kitchen and all the ironing done 😁

frazzledasarock · 05/08/2023 18:36

I come from a culture where kids live with their families ie sons and their families do. My uncles all loved with their parents, four families, the younger two shared a kitchen but it was split into two so each had their own kitchen but shared the kitchen space.

older two uncles had their own kitchen added to their living space.

each family had their own self contained flat within the housing area, they shared communal spaces like the terrace and main living room. And each brother took turns cooking for their parents, everyone was on hand to help out with eachother if needed.

in theory.

in reality, they all hated eachother and it was a hotbed of bitching and resentment against one another, with families keeping score as to how much each contributed or had spent on them by their parents, how much their parents took care of the others kids etc.

by the time the families split the household the brothers weren’t on good terms at all.

doesn’t work in my experience. Could work for one family living with their parents, but not more.

romdowa · 05/08/2023 18:37

We tried it with my inlaws but it didn't work. Adult bil made it very difficult and it was like we where All children again and he'd run off and tell mammy tales , then mammy would back him up 😳

gogomoto · 05/08/2023 18:42

I struggle self catering on holiday for a week with my dp's - so fussy and disapproving of my love of eating out! Just spent a week with them which was ok but both need our own space ! No o don't think it works for most people unless one of you is willing to be subservient

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 05/08/2023 18:46

I love my parents and we've always got on really well, but they would drive me absolutely dotty if I lived with them. They suggested it once, to both dsis and me, separately. We both swallowed our 'Hell no!' reactions and politely declined!

Happysunshineyellow · 05/08/2023 18:47

We do it. It works brilliantly for us. We are scottish so it isnt cultural but my mum grew up with her parents and grandparents, so did I and now so does my little ones.

Yes there are things you need to navigate and you have to approach it all with good faith and radical transparency. There are times I would rather my own place but I can see there is no better way to raise kids as they get four adults who adore them. Lots of my family live locally and all pop in so its a very communal way of living.

cptartapp · 05/08/2023 18:47

Sounds like hell. With family often expected to become carers for elderly parents and all the constraints and stresses that entails for years on end.
Every friend i know (female) with 'caring responsibilities' for elders, even when not living with them, is on antidepressants.
I hope I'd be unselfish enough to let my busy adult DC in their prime live their own lives with their own family free of the burden of my ageing self.