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Original poster

The idea of multigenerational living

57 replies

RoloThough · 05/08/2023 16:20

I think it’s a really good idea if it works for your family. Was having this chat with my mum earlier. They’re mortgage free & have a lovely big 4 bed detached forever home in a desirable area. We rent a 2 bed home. They have got, by their own admission, too much space and we could do with more space as we want to start a family soon. If we were to move in with my parents and pay all of their utility bills and food shopping, we would still be better off than we are now and they wouldn’t have to pay a penny.

I can really see why multiple generations stay in the same house and I in many ways wish it was feasible to move back in with them. As it stands, it’s not- main reason being we have different lifestyles, it’s hard to negotiate use of a kitchen for cooking (they like very particular food) & DH is a shift worker so him getting home or getting up at 4am and bumping around would disrupt their sleep.

I wonder if with rising costs more people will turn to living with relatives and this will become more normalised again? I know in some cultures it is already what most families do but you can easily see the positives to it i guess especially if the house you’re all living in accommodates different people

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
orangeblosssom · 05/08/2023 18:48

I visited a family in Norway where the multigenerational way of living worked because there were 3 houses in a plot of land.
One house for the grandparents, one house for guests and one house for themselves with the kids.

NewNovember · 05/08/2023 18:52

I have a 7 bed house and would love any of my dc ,future spouses and DGC to live here however I wouldn't have wanted to live with my parents even though I love them so I imagine they will feel the same.

TellMeTheDate · 05/08/2023 18:53

With a VERY large house and nice people who respect one another’s differences, it could work well.

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Scottishflower65 · 05/08/2023 18:54

Worked mostly fine for me over past 25 years with my parents and my children (one adult child still living at home). Totally separate living arrangements with own door access, almost like two big flats, though with one common garden room and common utility room. I may have more adult children and maybe a grandchild or two moving in at some point too so they can save more for house deposit. My DH and I cover about 80% of the bills. Cook for my parents a few times a week. Mostly harmonious thanks to the separate living arrangements and ground rules in place from the start.

LizBennet · 05/08/2023 18:57

We’ve had to move in with FIL at the moment. He’s mortgage free in a house literally twice the size of ours, and he is pretty much bedridden at the moment, one of the downstairs sitting rooms has been converted into a bedroom for him.
My little boy is disabled too though so it’s getting hard work, FIL is more taxing to look after imho 😑

Ponderingwindow · 05/08/2023 19:05

@LizBennet
so are you doing the bulk of the care for fil or is his actual child stepping up and being the primary caregiver?

I’m guessing your answer will be that you are the primary caregiver for your shared disabled child so you are more available to care for FIL.

I’m not trying to put you on the spot. Your individual family decisions obviously make sense for you. They aren’t made on a vacuum though. This the kind of cultural expectation that worries me about multigenerational living. Women defaulting to caregiver. Women always being the person to put family above career. Women never really retiring because they will always be expected to serve, even in old age.

Turefu · 05/08/2023 19:08

I was living with my DInlaws straight after wedding. It was ok, not great, but ok. 3bed semi. Saved us some money, we helped parents, they were old and disable. They were lovely people though. It lasted three years until they died. I wouldn’t recommend it though. It’s hard sometimes. Perhaps in the large accommodation , when both generations have their own space it’s different.

caringcarer · 05/08/2023 19:09

I think it's unfair to anyone to have to live with in-laws. The spontaneity will be less in your relationship. Your partner might like your parents but not want to see them everyday.

PimpMyFridge · 05/08/2023 19:11

I could do next door, but not same house. 🤣

FourTeaFallOut · 05/08/2023 19:12

That's a Hell No from me. My pil are visiting on holiday and, lovely as they are, I've taken to counting down the hours until they leave.

caringcarer · 05/08/2023 19:17

I've got a 7 bedroom holiday home in France and we used to go for 6 weeks in the summer with an open invitation to my DC and siblings and their DC. My sister would come for a week with a friend. They would leave then my dnephew would come for a 4 or 5 day visit with his wife and 2 DC. They would leave then my DD, SiL and 2 dgc would come for a week. They'd go and another of my sister's would come with my niece. My sister stayed a week then left my niece with us until the end of the holiday. My first sister would come for a further 4 or 5 days. Everyone got on well and we all shared the breakfast making. We tended to eat out once a day as on holiday. We did a grocery shop each week for picnic food for the beach. It was lovely because we don't get to see family that often and because we all knew it was only for a week.

TorrentiallyWretched · 05/08/2023 19:19

I’ve talked to my DC about this, they could have a floor in the house, own bedroom, office, sitting room and bathroom should they wish to stay here.

Missingmyusername · 05/08/2023 19:20

Lord no! Not unless it was some kind of maisonette, annexe type building. I also would not want to be a full time carer.

POWL01 · 05/08/2023 19:27

It can work as long as you're in the right property/location that works for everyone. Our house has myself and DH, our 2 kids and my parents. It works because it's a big property/garden, everyone has defined spaces for themselves and the shared areas are big enough they can easily accommodate everyone. We all have what we need close by. It took a lot to make this happen though but when it does it's brilliant tbh.

tictactoe1234 · 05/08/2023 19:27

It would be a no from me

TempsPerdu · 05/08/2023 19:28

No way could I do this; my parents and I can barely make it through an evening out without the situation exploding into an argument. We disagree on literally everything, I find their (very frequently and firmly expressed) views on most things positively offensive, and DP and DM don’t get on at the best of times. The only reason we still have some semblance of a relationship is that we have sufficient independence and distance between us to mitigate for our lack of common ground - living in close proximity would be a recipe for disaster.

TomatoSandwiches · 05/08/2023 19:30

My dream is to have separate living quarters for my own family, there's no way in hell I would ever live with my parents or inlaws and they are lovely people, but no, just no.

Zipps · 05/08/2023 19:30

This is the stuff of nightmares. I couldn't wait to leave home and my dc left in their early twenties despite all relationships between the generations being very strong. No way could I have lived with DH's parents. No matter how big the house.
We are all independent and different, not clones of each other. We have dogs, noisy motorbikes, lots of parties and friends over, some have cats and are more introvert.
Definitely screams of women in the middle generation aged group trying to bend over backwards to make sure everyone is happy and doing the majority of caring on tap to the point of having no life and ending up exhausted. No chance.

Neverseenbefore · 05/08/2023 19:34

My grown-up DDs live at home with DH and me.

JuneWind · 05/08/2023 19:37

Really strongly a no from me. I like DH’s family, but couldn’t in a million years live with them. And I suspect the feeling would be reciprocal from him so I’d never suggest it (not that I’d want to live with my parents again either).

I value my privacy and independence too much, and I believe my marriage would definitely suffer if we had to live with either set of parents.

hattie43 · 05/08/2023 19:42

I wouldn't live in the same house but I think separate living on the same plot is the way to go .

elliejjtiny · 05/08/2023 19:42

Absolutely not. We were forced to I this for 7 months. 4 months after we moved out I am still recovering

MintJulia · 05/08/2023 19:43

The thing is, OP, even if it would be good for you to go and live with your parents, it almost certainly won't be so nice for your DH. They aren't his parents and it would be quite rare to have it work in harmony. He would never really have his own home, and always be there as your +1.

I could never have lived with my mum as an adult. She felt the need to demand what time I would be home, couldn't understand that a modern job involves travelling and meetings and no routine, and she could not resist judging/interfering in everything from choice of car to food, to clothes to holidays, to parenting.

I could manage a weekend at her house but no more.

Would my ds live with me? Interesting question. He's only 15 so I don't know yet. I hope not. He would not be living his best life.

strawberriesarenot · 05/08/2023 19:44

Adult dcs without partners living at home while training/saving, yes, that would be possible.

Silvered · 05/08/2023 19:50

This would be ideal for us. My DF is a widower and lonely (lives far away so I can't pop round every week). He's extremely laid back and easy going, gets on with everyone, independent and low maintenance. The dream would be somewhere with a granny annexe so he could carry on living independently, but join us for company and a chat.

Sadly not possible as we can't afford anywhere like that, but it would be wonderful if we could.