Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Feel like I've reached the limit with MIL and can't do this anymore

57 replies

longlostauthor · 31/07/2023 19:31

I've posted before about my MIL - lots of classic issues, overbearing, pushy, demanding, messages DH multiple times a day and has constant criticisms and complaints about how we don't spend enough time with them (they live 5 hours away, we see them about 4/5 times a year until now).

She has done some appalling things to me/ us over the years but I won't go into them here. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but she has pushed me to the brink of thinking I need to separate from DH just to be away from her. For context, while my child was fighting for her life in hospital with meningitis she called my husband to complain she felt left out.

Recently, we have had our final DC and something has just shifted in my ability to tolerate the endless complaining and guilt tripping. My husband has been awful at enforcing any boundaries with her, but I can see how hard it is for him given how she brought him up to please her endlessly and basically exist to reflect well on her. He too has started to lose patience with her, but nowhere near where I am with it all.

Recently we agreed we would go and see them in the school holidays, the only time my husband is taking off this summer. But we have booked our own accommodation, not where she wanted us to stay (and had apparently booked without asking us), so she flipped and had an almighty meltdown about it. She sent endless messages to my husband saying she didn't know what she had to live for if we didn't stay where she wanted, and that all her friends talk about their grandchildren so the least we could do is do what she wants so she can tell them we are staying there (!?), it was just an unbelievable amount of messages all about how she felt, not a single thought about what might work for us, or why we would choose where we stay with a young family etc. And there were all the classic "if you loved me you would do as I wish", "we feel we hardly know the baby" (who they visited at 3 weeks old for 4 days and complained slept too much) etc etc, which I just find so manipulative and unfair.

Anyway, we have stood our ground but as the 'holiday' approaches I am honestly starting to feel like I just can't do this anymore. I feel like my willingness to put up with it all has just completely gone, and where I used to think of it as 'for my husband' now I just totally resent having to go and be treated so badly by someone who behaves so appallingly towards us most of the time. My children also dislike the time we spend with them as it is all so tense and so loaded with pressure on them - "dance for granny!" "poor Granny never sees you!". I also know that whatever we do won't be enough anyway and will end with her in a grump about some perceived sleight.

What do I do? I don't want to make things harder for my husband, do I just go and grin and bear it once more? Do I set some boundaries with my DH before we go - for example I am already upset about the amount of driving they are planning while we are up there. It's at least 5 hours to get there and apparently, there is a day out planned each day with about 2 hours driving each way to each place. It's just all too much with three kids and a baby.

I have lost all perspective at this stage, I just feel totally done with her. Any words of wisdom? I only ever wanted everything to be nice between us, but it's been 15 years now and it clearly hasn't worked!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2023 19:44

I have lost all perspective at this stage, I just feel totally done with her.

I don't think you've lost perspective at all. I think you are finally seeing everything with eyes wide open, and you are simply not willing to allow her toxicity to be a part of your life anymore. Well done. Epiphanies like this often come with getting older. You realise that how you feels matters, and that you are not responsible for how other people react to you making boundaries.

Your mother-in-law is a fucking nightmare and I think you should refuse to visit her at all. She brings nothing positive to your life or your children's lives, and she has no one else to blame but herself.

I don't want to make things harder for my husband

Your husband has been making things harder for you for 15 fucking years. He has refused to deal with his mother, even when she's behaved appallingly. He's lucky you're still with him, honestly.

Knnniggets · 31/07/2023 20:01

With this type of person, the more you accommodate and the more you do, the more you will be criticised and the mote tantrums you will have to endure. If your DH is unwilling or unable to put a brake on it, it may be time for you to step in. Explain to your DH the many ways she has been awful and that you wont be holding back anymore. Explain that you have x days of annual leave and you will not spend it with someone who makes things so unpleasant. Then if it is needed, let rip at her and disengage. Anything to do with her is his job. Don’t respond to messages, don’t pick up calls and be unavailable for visits. No more holidays ever again. It sounds like you’re well and truly done.

if that causes a big fall out with your DH then divorce is on the cards.

Original poster
longlostauthor · 31/07/2023 20:07

Thank you for the replies. They make me feel better in lots of ways but really scared too. I don’t think my husband will be able to handle me finally really putting my foot down. I think he will see it as me being unreasonable and unkind. He is used to tolerating his mum and putting up with her behaviours. He thinks it’s just the way she is and it’s normal to kind of hate someone but try and make them happy.

I can’t see how to handle it without seriously upsetting him and jeopardising our entire marriage. Which part of my me thinks she would also love! And if we did separate she would have far greater access to my children unsupervised which is something I’m terrified of as she can be incredibly nasty, manipulative and incompetent (won’t use car seats etc , took my daughter’s glasses off her because she said they made her look ‘special needs’).

I just wish my husband would stop trying to make it all okay because I can finally see it will never work she will always do this to us and I’m not willing to live with it anymore.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudsblusky · 31/07/2023 20:09

It’s probably time to sit down with DH and have a conversation.
2 hours driving a day with a small baby is too much. So you and baby don’t go. Maybe you go to one of them. DH and kids can go. But you are having time in the holiday accommodation with your baby. That’s ok.
I felt similar after DS 2 was born. We were making almost weekly trips back with DC1. It was expected. Even tho we were the ones with a tiny baby. So we explained. Saw them a lot less. It was fine.

Molehillminnie · 31/07/2023 20:10

Just do not go.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 31/07/2023 20:12

Can't get past you trail 4 dc 5 hours for that agro? Woman the fuck up op. She knows where you all live. Find a local (ish!) hotel she must book. Insist upon it.
And have a tantrum if she won't..

Mrsphilmiller · 31/07/2023 20:13

What she said 👆

Gettingbysomehow · 31/07/2023 20:17

I once rang up my MIL and td her she was an unbearable evil witch and really let rip after some years of her horrible behaviour. She never hassled me again. Try it.

LindorDoubleChoc · 31/07/2023 20:37

Well, what does your husband say when you discuss all this with him? What does he say about the proposed daily trips out involving hours of driving? what does he say about her comments about you not staying where she wants you to stay? what does he say about the endless messages he gets from her every day?

You know that the only people who can change this relationship are you and dh don't you? If you choose to have nothing more to do with them your marriage will probably end. If he doesn't detest them in the way you do then he'll have to make a straight choice which isn't fair and isn't easy.

Original poster
longlostauthor · 31/07/2023 20:43

He finds her awful. He is embarrassed by her. But he is also used to her. And he is scared of her I think. He thinks it’s in the realms of normal to be treated the way he is by her, which I find really sad for him.

OP posts:
RoyalImpatience · 31/07/2023 20:47

Poor op.

It's just awful.

I don't know what the solution is except, life does become easier when you do say, no more.

This is my line.

I'd go.... Be as neutral and placid as you can including spending lots of time in the accmd away from her with baby and any other child that doesn't want 2 hour trips. N

When you return tell dh you won't be going up again morning playing to her fiddle at all.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 31/07/2023 20:48

"You see the DC on the terms you are given or not at all."

RoyalImpatience · 31/07/2023 20:48

Op... What you are describing is an extremely common dynamically for so many men, mum's and dils.

Original poster
longlostauthor · 31/07/2023 20:50

@RoyalImpatience I think this is where I am at with it now. Stops me looking like I’m creating drama and gives me one last chance to see how it goes when I enforce my own boundaries.

OP posts:
Original poster
longlostauthor · 31/07/2023 20:51

RoyalImpatience · 31/07/2023 20:48

Op... What you are describing is an extremely common dynamically for so many men, mum's and dils.

I can’t imagine ever treating anyone the way she treats her son and grandchildren / me!

OP posts:
RoyalImpatience · 31/07/2023 20:53

This is the dynamic that causes issues, she can't be nice and he can't stand upto her

Original poster
longlostauthor · 31/07/2023 20:53

I have been very very clear with my husband I’m recent months that I am completely done with trying to appease her or putting up with things I have done until now. He does know where I am with it all. And he has changed recently towards putting up with less too. He is definitely getting sick of being with so little respect by her. He is a successful and lovely man, she tries to make him feel like a failure/ let down.

OP posts:
Original poster
longlostauthor · 31/07/2023 20:54

He is also pretty spineless unfortunately!

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 31/07/2023 20:56

I just wouldn’t bother.

tell your H to go and enjoy some pen on pen time with his mother and you’re staying home for the sake of your health.

your H needs to understand his life is worse upsetting you rather than his mother.

LizzieSiddal · 31/07/2023 21:00

Can you have a calm chat with DH and tell him you will only go if he agrees in certain boundaries-you will not be travelling for 4 hours each day in the car with the Dc, you will remove your Dc if she is nasty to them etc etc. If he won’t agree I wouldn’t go and I’d keep the Dc at home too. If he’s willing to let his Dc be with someone who is cruel to them and doesn’t go doesn’t care about safety then he is a shot father!

I do feel a bit for your H as my Dh was brought up by an extremely manipulative mother. It took years for my dh to finally start standing up to her. He did it by going to a counsellor and talking about their relationship. Your H needs to understand that her behaviour is not normal and if he won’t listen to you he may listen to a counsellor.

limemarmaladeisbetter · 31/07/2023 21:02

I think I'm a way because you've arranged to go then you could try...

I think if it was me I'd book an Airbnb half way, I mean you might lose a day with MIL (yay) but it would be much better for your baby.

Maybe on the way back too.

Definitely have some deal breakers set up with DH...

If X happens we're going home.

If I make this signal we're going back to the Airbnb

If the baby is overstimulated or kids wound up - you need to step in and say something

LizzieSiddal · 31/07/2023 21:05

Your H needs to definitely be onboard with protecting his children and standing up to her if she mistreats them. If he agrees to that, at least that would mean you won’t be on edge re the DC.

RoyalImpatience · 31/07/2023 21:08

Op same.. My dh is a beautiful wondeful man and all she and he sees are the faults and he's not rich enough etc.

That's what I would do, neutral, pleasant but keep to room, relax, make sire no child is forced, make sure dh does stuff alone with his parents. Come back and say not again.

RoyalImpatience · 31/07/2023 21:10

@LizzieSiddal

Great points esp to prep him before and also about counselor.

lordloveadog · 31/07/2023 21:22

Ask him 'if we don't do what she wants, but instead do what we know is best for our family, what is the worst she can do? Is that worse than making bad decisions for all of us?'

My DH was brought up to dance for his narcissistic parents. It took many years and a lot of grief, but his father now behaves himself and his mother is distanced.