Feel like I've reached the limit with MIL and can't do this anymore

[longlostauthor]

I've posted before about my MIL - lots of classic issues, overbearing, pushy, demanding, messages DH multiple times a day and has constant criticisms and complaints about how we don't spend enough time with them (they live 5 hours away, we see them about 4/5 times a year until now).

She has done some appalling things to me/ us over the years but I won't go into them here. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but she has pushed me to the brink of thinking I need to separate from DH just to be away from her. For context, while my child was fighting for her life in hospital with meningitis she called my husband to complain she felt left out.

Recently, we have had our final DC and something has just shifted in my ability to tolerate the endless complaining and guilt tripping. My husband has been awful at enforcing any boundaries with her, but I can see how hard it is for him given how she brought him up to please her endlessly and basically exist to reflect well on her. He too has started to lose patience with her, but nowhere near where I am with it all.

Recently we agreed we would go and see them in the school holidays, the only time my husband is taking off this summer. But we have booked our own accommodation, not where she wanted us to stay (and had apparently booked without asking us), so she flipped and had an almighty meltdown about it. She sent endless messages to my husband saying she didn't know what she had to live for if we didn't stay where she wanted, and that all her friends talk about their grandchildren so the least we could do is do what she wants so she can tell them we are staying there (!?), it was just an unbelievable amount of messages all about how she felt, not a single thought about what might work for us, or why we would choose where we stay with a young family etc. And there were all the classic "if you loved me you would do as I wish", "we feel we hardly know the baby" (who they visited at 3 weeks old for 4 days and complained slept too much) etc etc, which I just find so manipulative and unfair.

Anyway, we have stood our ground but as the 'holiday' approaches I am honestly starting to feel like I just can't do this anymore. I feel like my willingness to put up with it all has just completely gone, and where I used to think of it as 'for my husband' now I just totally resent having to go and be treated so badly by someone who behaves so appallingly towards us most of the time. My children also dislike the time we spend with them as it is all so tense and so loaded with pressure on them - "dance for granny!" "poor Granny never sees you!". I also know that whatever we do won't be enough anyway and will end with her in a grump about some perceived sleight.

What do I do? I don't want to make things harder for my husband, do I just go and grin and bear it once more? Do I set some boundaries with my DH before we go - for example I am already upset about the amount of driving they are planning while we are up there. It's at least 5 hours to get there and apparently, there is a day out planned each day with about 2 hours driving each way to each place. It's just all too much with three kids and a baby.

I have lost all perspective at this stage, I just feel totally done with her. Any words of wisdom? I only ever wanted everything to be nice between us, but it's been 15 years now and it clearly hasn't worked!

I don’t think my husband will be able to handle me finally really putting my foot down. I think he will see it as me being unreasonable and unkind.

If this is true, then your husband is just as toxic and manipulative as his mother is.

He knows exactly how horrible and abusive she is to you, yet you not seeing her any longer would actually jeopardise your marriage? What? Talk about a shocking lack of consideration and respect for you.

I have had issues with my MIL, although not to the extent of yours.

I found life got much easier once I refused to engage so, when she made an unreasonable demand I'd just say "No, sorry, that's not going to work but we can do..." Always got DH on side first and refused to budge even if he wavered.
Took time but it worked.
The sad thing is that she is now elderly and would like family who are close to her but she has pushed us all away over the years with her behaviour so we all do what is needed but she doesn't have the popping in for a cup of tea, going out for lunch, etc close relationships her friends have with their children and grandchildren

We had something similar over the course of our marriage. Myself & husbands step-sister were the ones that MIL really didn’t like & would say & do awful things to, always alone/privately so no witnesses etc, we didn’t even realise the other was treated so badly until a joint family holiday for her birthday where she slipped up & called her eldest son’s wife FDL & FIL admitted it was ‘jokingly’ what they called her which stood for favourite daughter in law.

Me & step-sister had a very very long chat & realised she was treating us both appallingly so we supported each other & spoke with our husbands. Anyway, long story short the only thing that helped was going to counselling & my husband really hearing the truth & I mean actually hearing it (with the councillor reiterating how appalling it was).

He was raised to be her ‘pleased’ & she always battled her boy to her could be the current favourite so neither wanted to rock the boat. Your husband sounds like he was raised similar to mine & counselling is the only thing that truly helped both of us without it turning into a ‘you just hate my mum’ argument. I’d honestly recommend it so much to help both your husband truly see what is his mother is doing & for you to get some real support & guidance on what to do in future if she says/does certain things. How to approach it, what to say, how to set boundaries etc etc. I have a far better relationship with her now she can’t play her games, knows there are consequences, I have my boundaries & don’t argue etc with her but more importantly he backs me up in a way he never really got before. Good luck 💕

My dh's relationship with his dm was estranged when we met. I encouraged him to make the effort. Until he seemed a different man with her in his /our life. When we had dc he put boundaries in place. She didn't like that and went nc.. Suited us just fine.. Been over 8 years.. He says the relief was immense.. The fake relationship was now over.

Relationship counselling. Get a therapist to spell it out to him how far removed from normal this is. Let him see that if things don't change you'll be getting divorced. How old are DC? At some point they'll be able to choose not to spend time with MIL. ExH forcing them to go knowing they'll be treated badly amounts to him being complicit in the abuse. She sounds like a narcissist.

Agree, counselling may be helpful for you both. Agreeing on some boundaries with a third party present may help in reinforcing them.

DC are all primary aged (apart from baby). My DH is very bad for trying to get them to please her like he always has. It is one of the things I can no longer stand at all. They have an awful time when with her as she is repeating the behaviour, trying to guilt trip them and implying they are disappointing because they don’t match her idea of what children should be (basically Enid blyton characters I think).

If it wasn’t far too outing I would post screen shots of the last batch of messages - I reread them yesterday after posting and they really are just unbelievable

You can give u a idea.
How everything, you fancy choler not to open and let's firm I, song answer phoned pr email

😂😂 You. Can. Choose. Not to open this once stuff and let them in.

Tell your husband how unattractive his spinelessness is, and him allowing you to be abused and his kids manipulated and shamed (eg the glasses incident) is not acceptable. It’s a dealbreaker. He needs to source therapy and do extensive work on himself if the marriage is to continue. He does not get to inflict his toxic relatives dynamics on to you and your kids.

Obviously forward her messages to your husband, then block her. If she asks if she’s been blocked, he tells her of course, due to your abusive messages. You have choices about what behaviour you allow other people to do to you.

She sounds vile but tbh I think your DH is worse. How can you still love/fancy him when he is a spineless little boy who prefers to keep his mother happy than you?

I would strongly recommend you having a look at the Stately Homes threads on the relationships board here! Lots of people who are having similar issues with toxic parents and how they cope/manage. Your husband is in FOG fear, obligation and guilt drive his reactions to her. He needs to accept that he can react differently and that he wants to see things change and can cope with the fallout from it.

I avoid my fil for reasons including him being a racist, sexist bastard who literally cannot open his mouth without saying something directly or indirectly offensive to me. He also is also a total Scrooge (forgets his wallet a lot) and lives in utter filth because he says he can’t afford a cleaner, despite having 10s of thousands in his current account. He stays with us for a weekend a couple of times a year - I make myself very scarce. Yes he’s noticed and yes he’s mentioned it to dp. But I don’t give a fuck to be honest and I have zero guilt. We have a toddler and a baby and I’ll allow him to have a bit of time with them but other than that they don’t see him much (he tried to give my 6 week old baby some tea when he first met her?)

I guess what I’m trying to say is, do not feel bad whatsoever for reducing contact with mil to the bare minimum. It’s her attitude that’s done this, not you.

Your husband’s refusal to set boundaries with his mother is what jeopardizing the marriage.

You’re raising the issue is not jeopardizing the marriage.

You may just want agree that he goes by himself to see his parents. There’s no reason or need for you to go.

The general consensus on the relationship board is to read the books by Susan Forward - toxic parents (for dh) and toxic in laws (for you).

Your MIL sounds exactly like my own mother so I know the type well. Blackmailing, guilting, playing the victim, no awareness of anyones elses thoughts or problems or needs. Absolutely vicious when you try to enforce boundries. Thinks nothing of lying and spreading untruths about you to get what they want. They are supposed to be your family and your support system but actually they are the most dangerous person in your life.

You are utterly not wrong to object to any of this especially as it is impacting your children.

Your MIL is unlikely to stop. She won't believe she has any issues at all. She fully believes you are all the problem. Trouble is it does not matter how much you do to make her happy, it will never ever be enough. If you are the perfect DIL for 100 days then on day 101 you refuse her something minor you will be the devil incarnate.

I am not coming down on the side of your husband. However I would say that your husband will be utterly brainwashed and terrified of her even if he does not realise it. Trying to stand up to her will cause him great anxiety.

I think you have to speak to your husband and say it's time to take a break from her and concentrate on your own family. You will have to explain that your marriage depends on it and that you will support him. If your husband can do this, the fallout from the MIL will be huge so you will need to be able to support him, afford therapy for him and probably have a bit of a rocky time till it blows over. Don't underestimate how awful this period will be.
Expect the worst from your MIL. Expect lies to be told, expect your names to be mud, don't be surprised if you get a visit from social/police etc as she has told them you must be having a nervous breakdown as she can't think why you have cut her out (you must be mentally ill!)

Your husband does not want to be the way he is unable to stand up to her. Standing up to her will cause him huge anxiety. I mean HUGE as he will know that she will lash back with everything she has to get him back under control.

Some women truly should not be mothers. You will likely find that she had a neglectful and or abusive childhood herself (not an excuse obviously)

You have my complete sympathy. It's an awful situation but if your husband will not take a stand you will have to accept it or leave him (or move house with husband far away...not joking)

thank you so very much for all the input, it has been so helpful and clarifying. I really appreciate it

@Poochypaws excellent post

Your MIL comes across having all the traits of a narcissistic mother.

• Your DC in hospital - she made it all about her
• Your holiday accommodation - she made it all about her
• When she sees your DC - she makes it all about her

Everything is about her feelings and needs, with no consideration for anyone else's. Sadly.

Unfortunately, your MIL will never apologise nor self reflect nor admit to anything, and most importantly- they will never change. They have a disordered way of thinking and are incapable of change. So stop trying to make it so.

The link above has some good pointers how to deal with narcissistic people and also how to support your DH.

Also, if you search posts from AtillaThemeerkat, she has lots of good advice and insights.

You haven’t lost perspective OP! Your perspective is bang on, finally. Cut her off, and if that means leaving DH, then so be it.

I just sent my DH a message spelling out clearly my expectations / boundaries for the upcoming trip and explained if they can’t be met/ kept I won’t be going. He said it is all fine and he will communicate it to them. I have said I will support him through any backlash. This is huge progress for us (know that might sound a bit pathetic), but this thread has really helped me stand up for myself a bit and be clear about things. Thanks again. Wonder how it’ll go down…!

Ultimately your dh needs to remember who he made vows to op... Maybe a quiet reminder in a calm tone?

I'd be letting dh know that this trip is now to see how much he can stand by you and his children in the face of her awfulness. And that if you can't see him working to protect you all, it will mean that the problem changes from "you and her" to "you and him".