I've posted before about my MIL - lots of classic issues, overbearing, pushy, demanding, messages DH multiple times a day and has constant criticisms and complaints about how we don't spend enough time with them (they live 5 hours away, we see them about 4/5 times a year until now).
She has done some appalling things to me/ us over the years but I won't go into them here. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but she has pushed me to the brink of thinking I need to separate from DH just to be away from her. For context, while my child was fighting for her life in hospital with meningitis she called my husband to complain she felt left out.
Recently, we have had our final DC and something has just shifted in my ability to tolerate the endless complaining and guilt tripping. My husband has been awful at enforcing any boundaries with her, but I can see how hard it is for him given how she brought him up to please her endlessly and basically exist to reflect well on her. He too has started to lose patience with her, but nowhere near where I am with it all.
Recently we agreed we would go and see them in the school holidays, the only time my husband is taking off this summer. But we have booked our own accommodation, not where she wanted us to stay (and had apparently booked without asking us), so she flipped and had an almighty meltdown about it. She sent endless messages to my husband saying she didn't know what she had to live for if we didn't stay where she wanted, and that all her friends talk about their grandchildren so the least we could do is do what she wants so she can tell them we are staying there (!?), it was just an unbelievable amount of messages all about how she felt, not a single thought about what might work for us, or why we would choose where we stay with a young family etc. And there were all the classic "if you loved me you would do as I wish", "we feel we hardly know the baby" (who they visited at 3 weeks old for 4 days and complained slept too much) etc etc, which I just find so manipulative and unfair.
Anyway, we have stood our ground but as the 'holiday' approaches I am honestly starting to feel like I just can't do this anymore. I feel like my willingness to put up with it all has just completely gone, and where I used to think of it as 'for my husband' now I just totally resent having to go and be treated so badly by someone who behaves so appallingly towards us most of the time. My children also dislike the time we spend with them as it is all so tense and so loaded with pressure on them - "dance for granny!" "poor Granny never sees you!". I also know that whatever we do won't be enough anyway and will end with her in a grump about some perceived sleight.
What do I do? I don't want to make things harder for my husband, do I just go and grin and bear it once more? Do I set some boundaries with my DH before we go - for example I am already upset about the amount of driving they are planning while we are up there. It's at least 5 hours to get there and apparently, there is a day out planned each day with about 2 hours driving each way to each place. It's just all too much with three kids and a baby.
I have lost all perspective at this stage, I just feel totally done with her. Any words of wisdom? I only ever wanted everything to be nice between us, but it's been 15 years now and it clearly hasn't worked!