Being the ‘poor part’ of the family

[Swartzie]

Is anyone else the poor relations?

When I was growing up, my parents were the poor relations. All my wider family were richer and better educated.
My parents were both privately educated at boarding school, became left wing, and became state school teachers. I was sent to a state school.

When they went on skiing trips and over to Florence for a weekend, we waited all year for a beach holiday to spain. When they large detached houses with live in cleaners, we lived in a 3 bedroom terrace house. I never felt adequate.

What impact does this have on your life now - do you mean you still feel inadequate?

Am sorry you feel that way but your version of poor is my rich!

How do you live now? You saw both and sound intelligent enough to plan and have options?

I had left wing hippy parents (ND and bipolar) who never put kids first/ unstable. Anyway I decided to do whatever i could to become wealthy and avoid poverty as a result.

What did you action?

You weren't poor. You had two parents who were working professionals bringing home a decent wage.

From many, many people's perspective, your life with your parents looks like two meaningful, secure, well-paid jobs with good pensions and long holidays, a good home, and a lovely family life. You know what they say about comparison and joy.

You're an adult now anyway. If you want skiing and weekends in Florence, what have you done to get it?

I was poor. My dad used to go out hunting so we could eat. Our holiday was 1 day a year going to the beach and having chips. All my clothes were hand me downs. My glasses were taped together, shoes were coloured in with felt tip, super glued, or duct taped together. I remember vividly winning a bar of chocolate at a friends party when i was very young and being estatic.

@Fandaisy I'm sorry about your upbringing but do you feel your parents chose to not put their child first/be stable because of their conditions because I don't the bipolar/ND gave them much choice .I get it was shite for you
(I had a functioning alcohol parent probably masking nd and domestic/emotional abuse thrown in to my upbringing) I don't think either of them did it with intent or awareness really .

Op We are the poor relations now even more so ... What a riot and me and my husband work our arses off ! Who cares eh ?

After I got married and had 2 DC we were the poor ones in my family. Whenever I met up with my sisters, one of them would offer to pay for me to go to lunch. I think they took their turns to treat me. I couldn't afford to buy my DC much at Xmas and my parents would buy and wrap things to top up their stockings. I went back to Uni got a professional job divorced exh for cheating remarried a man who had a very good career and started a business with him that took off, now suddenly I'm the rich sister and it's lovely to be able to treat my other sisters to meals and holidays at our holiday home. I've never forgotten how they paid so I could join in and they never left me out.

It's all relative. I didn't go abroad until I was an adult. My parents weren't professionals or even have full time work. To me you would have been rich.

The trick is to focus on changing what you didn't like. You are the adult now, you are in charge and can do things your way.

Now I have a decent home in a lovely area, that I'm not ashamed of. My son is at independent school and has travelled abroad. My life is completely different to that of my dm.

Your life is your choice.

You lost me when you say you're the poor family and at the same time said your parents were both privately educated. Not my definition of poor. People who come from wealth are rarely left "poor" and usually have inheritance and hand-outs in life. I think what you mean is you lead a middle-class life and not a wealthy one.

I am assuming you wish that your parents would have made different career choices so your family unit would have been better off, like your relations?

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do as a child to change the way your parents choose to live. They chose not to pursue wealth so you would be on 'equal' footing with your weider family.

However that does not mean you cannot choose to pursue a more wealthier lifestyle than they did and get yourself the material rewards that come with that.

You weren't poor, you just weren't as wealthy as the rest of your family. I didn't go on an annual holiday to Spain or skiing trips but would never say I was poor growing up!
PP is right, your parents made different choices but you still had an okay upbringing financially, I mean , no idea about the rest of it. The contrast must be what is making you feel inadequate rather than the reality.

I never said we were poor. I said we were poorer than the rest of the family.

At school it meant I was viewed by others as being snobby because I liked things that wealthier people liked. I never really fitted in because people viewed me as being ‘posh’, but then my own family and others viewed me as ‘lesser’.

In my own life, it has meant that I’ve worked extremely hard to make a decent amount of money.

Hopefully as an adult you've got this in to some kind of perspective and I would hope you are more well rounded than some of your relatives. It is hard to feel you dont belong but it sounds like you are making a good life for yourself.

How were the less educated? They just chose paths that didn't pay as much but still not poor. This is an odd thread.

Less educated because they did not go to Cambridge like wider family. They went to polytechnics.

I think you should be proud to have parents who are both teachers. And who are sensible enough to have sent you to state school.

Just google the effects of boarding school, or look at some of the threads here. The grass isn’t always greener.

There will always be people more wealthy than you. Pretty much all my family and friends have bigger nicer houses than us but so what. I'm so proud we have a mortgage. I grew up with parents on benefits and I didn't go abroad until I was 29. We lived in council/housing association properties. They did their best and I don't feel hard done by.

You've pretty much described my family set up, I very much hope my DC aren't growing up to see themselves as inadequate!

We've always taught them that whilst plenty of people have more than us, even more have less, and actually we're extremely fortunate to own a home (in which they both have their own, albeit small, bedrooms), to be able afford an annual holiday, and nice Christmases and birthdays. They seem to get it and appreciate what they have.

Well we had different conundrum.
One mums side the wealthiest people sent dc too boardinghouse school whilst they travelled world with work.
The poorest member lived abroad and was able to enjoy a higher standard of living in a very beautiful place.
One dad's side fhe richest ones had large family home, huge and holiday house in lanzerote and never went anywhere else..

They would never ever be interested in Florence or anything cultural at all.

Gosh, you sound so unbelievably materialistic. And if I’m honest, a little vacuous.

Op have you spoken to people from oxbridge?
I know about few and they are indeed very bright.

But they were bright today begin with, they didn't be come bright because they went to oxbridge.
Secondly they are not infallible by any means.

Every family is always going to have some one who is the poorest.

Even if all millionaires someone will have slightly less.

To be honest, it sounds like you value wealth and possessions over anything else and you made yourself feel inadequate. Because your parents didn’t have as much as the rest of their family.

Also sounds like you resent your parents for making choices that left them with less spare money. You aren’t entitled to a wealthy upbringing because the rest of the family have it.

Yes, I went to Cambridge…