Being the ‘poor part’ of the family

[Swartzie]

Is anyone else the poor relations?

When I was growing up, my parents were the poor relations. All my wider family were richer and better educated.
My parents were both privately educated at boarding school, became left wing, and became state school teachers. I was sent to a state school.

When they went on skiing trips and over to Florence for a weekend, we waited all year for a beach holiday to spain. When they large detached houses with live in cleaners, we lived in a 3 bedroom terrace house. I never felt adequate.

We were the poor ones in the family. My cousins went to private schools, had holidays abroad and went to unit. Meanwhile, my sibling and I had free school meals , along with regular comments about that from our teachers ( not very pc back in the day), had to get school clothes with a council grant which involved the council man accompanying us to buy our clothing, including underwear - somewhat embarrassing at 12 years of age and a day out at our nearest seaside town was our holiday. And we lived in a council house, which also invited comments from people who should have known better.

That's what being the poorest in the family looked like to us.

Good on your parents, I say! It can’t have been easy rejecting their wealthy upbringing and follow their principles. I’d be so proud if they were mine.

I also think your version of 'poor' is actually quite privileged compared to many people. Surely you see that having 2 loving and hardworking parents and a decent lifestyle is lucky. Who are these awful people who think you are 'lesser' and why are you taking any notice of what they think. Wealth and a privileged education are not everything.

I speak as very much the poor relation in my family and I don't care. My dh and I are happy and hardworking. We may not afford the posh holidays and cars etc but we live within our means and we enjoy our life . You need perspective OP.

Oh, and not being allowed to apply for university because my mum needed me to go to work to contribute to the family finances.

@Caprisunny has said what I was going to say. It sounds like you resent your parents for making the choices that they did, and the subsequent impact on you.

However they had to make the right choices for their lives. It doesn't sound like you were neglected as a result, just not as privileged. Do your parents regret their choices or are they happy? We only have one life to live and shouldn't be unhappy just to fit in with other's expectations.

You now have your life to lead, and your own decisions to make, which will impact your DC.

Same! I don't think OP actually knows what being poor is. Two parents, both working in professional jobs, holidays abroad! Christ, that's middle class!

OP you really do need to work on your self esteem and stop comparing yourself to your better off relatives. Wealth is not a great indicator or 'worth' and you were NOT poor ffs!

Sounds like your parents enjoyed a wealthy upbringing and excellent education, then put ideology first and denied you the same childhood opportunities. A bit hypocritical, like most of the elite Left.

Maybe that motivated you to apply yourself and achieve on your own, so think of it as the silver lining - you are a high achiever and you worked hard for your success.
Though I wouldn’t blame you for being a bit bitter with your parents.

AndyPandyismyhero

My experience is similar whilst my cousins had their own bedrooms, money for clothes each week, school skiing trips and holidays abroad, our swimming pools and acres of garden.

But what we didn’t have in possessions and experiences we had independence determination and drive to do better and be better.

Cousins didn’t get qualifications, they didn’t need them to work for daddy - they don’t buy their own homes or save for cars -

My uncle was proud when I brought my first house, my siblings did the same. It was mine and I loved it.

We are close as a family because we had shared poverty and we learned to laugh and be practical, we also looked after our things as no money to replace them. I’m grateful we had free meals because otherwise we would have starved!!

No point looking back - we are enough!

We were also the poor ones as there were six of us and my cousins went to private school. My Aunt bought her DD a house outright as a wedding gift.

I have done well but compared to a couple of the friends I have just seen who are really very wealthy I don’t have much at all. You need to stop comparing or get some therapy.

My parents were teachers, we went on UK camping holidays and lived in a modest 3 bed house.... I was seen as the posh kid at school and was fully aware of how lucky I was.

Very few people have perfect childhoods, or escape their teenage years without a few scars or chips on their shoulders. I doubt your privileged relatives had no worries or issues. It seems unusual that you are still letting your parents (perfectly valid) choices define you into adulthood.

Are your relatives still intentionally making you feel 'less than'? If so, stop seeing them. As a child you don't have any control over who you spend your time with, but as an adult you can choose your own circle.

Don’t be ridiculous. Parents aren’t obliged to provide the same level of wealth their parents or siblings have. Especially if it means making choices you aren’t comfortable with.

Parents aren’t obliged to provide private schooling because they attended it. Given that they attended private school, their opinions are based on their own experiences. If it’s something they fundamentally disagree with why should they still use the system? What if they felt it wasn’t helpful at all but damaging, they still should have pursued careers and lifestyles that allowed them to afford private schools, even though they thought it could be damaging to their children?

Op grew up more than comfortable. Op obviously did have an excellent education because she went to Cambridge. You don’t get into Cambridge on hard work alone.

Whilst I agree the left can by hypocritical, like all people. What could the parents have done to not be hypocritical? The have left leaning views and so decided to raise their family with those ideals?

It sounds like you are saying people can only have views that align with their parents and that fit with decisions that was made for them, not by them.

I think there just comes a time where, provided your parents loved you and did what they thought was best, you have to accept they just made a different decision than you would have.

Plus it's very easy to rose tint the option not taken. The reality is, it could have been better or worse - you just will never know.

So essentially you are saying you inherited the attitude of the wealthy from your wider family and have replicated that in your own life.

And now you are ashamed of your very middle class childhood.

I don't really understand what the problem is. Your parents ensured you had an education that got you into Cambridge, even if it wasn't private.

Do you feel they treated you badly in some way? Do you have imposter syndrome?

If this is what's filling your time and your worries then life seems pretty good.

We were the poor ones, because my parents were both eldest children who lost the breadwinner parent very young and were taken out of school at 12 and 13 by the surviving parent to bring in money in the kind of unskilled jobs that were available, and they never moved on. Their younger siblings were able to stay at school, eventually got good jobs and became prosperous.

We shared a tiny house with older relatives, an outdoor toilet, not enough food or space, parents both unemployed for long periods during recessions, everything secondhand, no spare money for anything, never able to invite friends over etc. It was miserable. And our parents tried to discourage us staying in education because it ‘wasn’t for the likes of us’.

My siblings and I dealt with it by achieving academically and getting the hell out.

So you had a perfectly comfortable childhood with a stable, loving family and an excellent (state) education that supported your choice of university ie. Cambridge.
I'm honestly struggling to understand what the issue is?
You may choose to live your life differently from your parents and strive for more material goals. That's your prerogative. But to be angry about the perfectly valid choices your parents made makes you seem really immature and rather shallow.

I was thinking exactly this. This is relative deprivation not real deprivation. You need to reframe how you think about it.

Yes my BILs both earn 6 figure salaries and my parents are Boomers who made shrewd investments so everyone has a lot more money than us. It is embarrassing tbh. But I don't see myself earning 6 figures anytime soon!

Sounds like OP might feel her UC parents actively raised her as MC - effectively cutting her out of the life and opportunities of the UC.
There is no way back into the UC for the OP and her children unless they marry up.

I know what you mean OP. My parents were similar to yours. Other side were very well off. There was a total disconnect between what we felt was normal expenditure. I guess I just got used to it. I never said anything, as we got on brilliantly. I just swallowed my tongue when they went on yet another fancy hotel break!

I also know exactly what you mean about being seen as ‘posh’ at school but not being!

This.

I get the whole relative poverty thing, but there does come a point where you need to pull yourself together.

What exactly is the issue Op?
Your childhood sound pretty idyllic compared to others ( including myself).

Eh?
No one in this scenario is "upper class". They're all professional middle class with differing levels of income.
What "advantages" has OP missed out on? She's had an oxbridge education! She may not have the financial handouts her cousins may get but she has not been disadvantaged by her upbringing.
The OP is moaning about holiday destinations not fundamentals like quality of educational opportunities.

Boo hoo

You had holidays in Spain every year? Sounds like your were doing ok to be honest. Probably a slightly above average upbringing. Comparison is the thief of joy, surely you know that the majority of people are not in the position your rich relatives were in? In fact, many aren’t as lucky as you were. Massive first world problem OP.

I’m well aware that most people didn’t have my upbringing. But we are not most people.