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Original poster

Not giving Year 7 child a phone … but

93 replies

EnergyJaguar · 23/07/2023 07:37

They are able to contact friends via their iPad or via Teams.

Our school’s recommendation is not give phones until the kids are 13, many have them at year 6.

my DD is ok with this, she’s not asked for one. There are things she wants that she gets air up bottle, crocs. Whatever clothes she wants. Goes to hairdresser for hair cuts.

Some of her friends now wear make up, use tik tok and Instagram regularly I just want to keep her younger for longer but feeling a bit guilty about the phone situation: I’ll be dropping and picking at school due to distance of school and no buses.

OP posts:

supersonicginandtonic · 23/07/2023 09:32

My kids had phones in year 7, they can always contact me. I use the life 360 app so always know where they are. They use it for buses and their bank accounts. All social meet ups are on there. Their homework etc too.

Maireas · 23/07/2023 09:33

You're quite right, @Beezknees , it does have more of an impact on girls. It's really reassuring that so many parents on here are so clued up. Having seen only a fraction some of the online peer on peer abuse where I work, that's good news.

Houseplantmad · 23/07/2023 09:33

I applaud you OP. I’ve work in a school and recently have had to deal with a massive social media issue amongst girls - some of their parents didn’t know they were on social media! It was truly vile to see the sort of stuff kids are posting, and I’m no prude.
One student I worked with showed me an app that can hide many other apps on your phone so parents don’t know you’re on SM. They’re many steps ahead of us adults and those steps can taken them into some very unsavoury places and normalise these awful activities ie students I would think were perfectly nice girls streaming live fights, porn and just vile vile posts about each other or girls at other schools. Also so many derogatory comments about looks and body shapes.
It can’t not affect them and explains to me why there are so many SEMH issues with young teen girls in schools right now.

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hoophoophooray · 23/07/2023 09:35

Mine had had phones since Y7. We live rurally and they are on a bus to get to school. They have reasonably strict limits on them, but it allows them
so much independence to arrange meet-ups etc.

I do check them, and have regular chats about not sharing photos etc.

Having also worked in a law enforcement environment, the other thing I would strongly recommend you talk to them about is county lines and money laundering. Do NOT succumb to "can you just keep this bag/packet/phone for me for a couple of days" or "can I just borrow your bank card / send you some money / help me transfer some cash"

This can end up with you losing your bank account, and possibly end up with no access to banking if the financial institutions think you are involved in cleaning money, doesn't matter if you are 12, or getting involved in transporting drugs unwittingly. Police are getting marginally better as seeing young teens as victims rather than criminals for this kind of thing, but it's not a risk you want them to take.

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 23/07/2023 09:36

My kids got their first iPhones when they started year 7, all the kids had them. I don’t think it is the schools place to recommend the age pupils should get one, it is down to the parents to regulate and restrict use if that’s a concern.

Maireas · 23/07/2023 09:36

You're right, @Houseplantmad , I've seen stuff that has genuinely shocked me, and I'm not even on the Safeguarding team. It impacts so many children, in so many negative ways.

BrunchMonster · 23/07/2023 09:38

I think you'll find it hard to monitor whether her friends have phone and what their mums are doing about it, because simply the fact that she doesn't have a phone may end up changing how/who she ends up friends with and whether she makes any social arrangements, and whether you'll ever be in touch with their parents. Friendships change so much at secondary! Don't expect to know the parents of the friends particularly well. And if she is left out of arrangements, you probably won't even know about it, other than the fact that she isn't settling well or doesn't seem to have lots of friends.

I think it does depend on the school how much phones are used for social arrangements, though. But if they are, it could be really difficult to be without - depending on her personality, too. I don't mean that she'd be bullied for not having one or anything, but just simply accidentally left out of things/growing apart from not being as involved in stuff, in jokes, plans, comments etc. Obviously a really popular child might have other ways of staying 'in' with the group and people make sure they're invited to things, but others might just end up in the background - I suspect I would have been! It's the little every day interactions/comments/jokes etc, knowing what is going on and so on, that can be a big part of year 7 in some schools. And you don't necessarily know that she is missing it, more just a feeling of not settling or feeling quite part of things. Again it may depend whether she knows a lot of people there already or not.

I think a phone at the end of Year 6 or start of Year 7 can be quite a good time, as the children are so pleased to have one that they are quite happy for parents to have a lot of control over it and abide by the rules, and you can set it up as you mean to go on. Lots of apps can help you provide appropriate controls, and you can be strict about knowing the passwords and checking as needed. But teaching them how to use it and the potential dangers is a good thing to do when young, rather than waiting til their older and more tempted to explore things you might not want.

But for social things, I'd say a basic smart phone is more useful than a phone that only calls and texts. Nobody really does that for social reasons - that's just for safety to be able to call parents, which is fine and needed too of course, but it's not going to help socially.

Imdrivinginmygetawaycar · 23/07/2023 09:39

My second child is going to the same school as child 1. The entire class on Transfer Day (as far as she could see) had phones and they were swapping numbers so they could meet up in the summer. Its been lovely that she's been able to be part of the chat before school starts. (Mainly of pets and if they've got their ears pierced for the summer so far.)

I think the problem with a blanket "no" is that at some point you have to say yes and then they'll have to learn.

I'm quite pleased mine learnt about chain messages at the end of Yr 6 and we were able to teach her about safe texting/ that friends can take things in a different way to meant etc at 11. At 11 she's still listening to me and we've been able to do it together..

The eldest found they asked each other about homework on the WhatsApp group or on their friendship WhatsApp as well as arranging to meet up. She said you'd be limited socially in yr 7 without a phone.

I think its about teaching safe usage and training them. A bit like how they learn to cross roads- you don't just say "no roads til you're 14" you cross with them and then help them learn ...

Shopper727 · 23/07/2023 09:39

School aren’t her parent though. You know if you feel she needs one and you can tell her when she can use it. My son goes to high school in aug he has a phone my 13 year old has a phone I don’t know what difference it makes that they need to wait until they are 13?

if she’s not bothered then don’t get one but if she asks about one or you feel having one would be helpful if she’s travelling a distance to school then you can think again later on? In the meantime you can make sure she knows how to be safe online etc make sure she can tell you if any issues with other kids

Imdrivinginmygetawaycar · 23/07/2023 09:40

Ah @BrunchMonster we cross posted but said exactly the same thing 😊

Original poster

EnergyJaguar · 23/07/2023 09:41

Thanks for the responses. I really appreciate the advice on how you’ve managed phone access etc. DH and I will have a chat about it. He’s easy going and like I said DD hasn’t asked for a phone, the school have said 13 but have talked at transition about what we need to talk about with kids if we do give one in year 7.

like I said she’s grounded (her headteacher’s words) she’s an avid reader at the moment I don’t want her to lose that. But she has an iPad that we manage well it’s mainly for watching Disney/Netflix etc.

ill look into the apps too,

OP posts:

Original poster

EnergyJaguar · 23/07/2023 09:42

They have teams to liaise with each other on Honework - their teachers are good and do respond out of hours

OP posts:

Original poster

EnergyJaguar · 23/07/2023 09:42

(I know this from SIL).

OP posts:

Maireas · 23/07/2023 09:43

Not really crossing a road, @Imdrivinginmygetawaycar , more like navigating the Wild West. Anyway, there are lots of excellent strategies upthread for phone management and all the parents on here sound really clued up. School rules will be one thing, outside of school there can only be recommendations.

Imdrivinginmygetawaycar · 23/07/2023 09:44

We use life360 which is brilliant and basically a stalker app (occasionally makes me worry about controlling partners who use it) but it means I can tell when my child has got on a bus and where she is. In yr 7 it becomes normal (around here at least) to arrange your own meet ups and I quite like the reassurance with the app.

We also use a family link one (or the iPhone equivalent for the other child) which means we shut down apps before bedtime and limit time on tiktok to a few minutes.

Inastatus · 23/07/2023 09:45

Year 7 is generally the norm for a phone where we are. They start going out more, getting the bus into town etc and communicating/making arrangements via WhatsApp groups. You can still monitor her usage and restrict access to apps you don’t want her to use. However if she’s not asking for one yet then you don’t have a problem.

Maireas · 23/07/2023 09:45

She sounds like an intelligent and responsible girl, OP, and you're obviously good parents. Play it by ear and make a judgement, but use some of the great advice from other parents on here.

Imdrivinginmygetawaycar · 23/07/2023 09:46

(Separate point but as an ex teacher I don't think it's "good" when teachers respond out of hours..)

In yr 7+ there is very little need for parents to contact teachers. If the children aren't sure on homework/need to let a teacher know they won't be in etc they do that themselves from their own teams account...

XelaM · 23/07/2023 09:46

Completely agree with @Imdrivinginmygetawaycar and @BrunchMonster . It's very limiting socially not to have a smart phone for Year 7. And all the horror stories about what kids share on social media hasn't been my experience at all. Mine mostly chats about meet-ups/homework/horses/general chit chat. There's no porn or violence being shared among her friendship groups.

Maireas · 23/07/2023 09:48

@Imdrivinginmygetawaycar is right, they don't really need the homework apps or to contact teachers out of hours. The homework will be on a platform like Satchel One and there is a space for messaging which the teacher can pick up.

Imdrivinginmygetawaycar · 23/07/2023 09:50

And at 11 they are still willing to navigate it with you.

If you wait til 13 (!?) They hopefully will already be independent and it will be harder to navigate.

Genuinely how do you think they will they arrange meeting up with friends at the weekend? Plans change all the time as people have phones and can change them. It's common here to hear "oh we were going to go down the beach but now we are going to Xs house." Or "were now meeting at 1 nor 10 as Xs mum is busy in the morning" etc.

I dont think any of this would be possible without a smart phone and a child would get left out.

hoophoophooray · 23/07/2023 09:50

EnergyJaguar · 23/07/2023 09:42

They have teams to liaise with each other on Honework - their teachers are good and do respond out of hours

Teams is fine for teachers, but be mindful that many teens won't bother to have it on their phones. Just something to keep an eye on if she's supposed to be working in a group, that she's not being left out because the others have set up a WhatsApp group. It's not a reason to let her have WhatsApp if you don't want her to, but do be aware of so you can ask the school to help insist that collaboration is done in Teams

Imdrivinginmygetawaycar · 23/07/2023 09:52

We aren't big on younger kids having phones but with both ours we started last term of Yr 6 or just before so they could get used to sending crazy photos etc before they started senior school with lots of people they didn't know.

Imdrivinginmygetawaycar · 23/07/2023 09:56

And like a pp said its all the little things.

"Is it week A or B"
"Does anyone have a spare pe top I can borrow"
"Is the history due in tomorrow or next week"
"When's the chemistry test??"
"I wasn't here p1 what did I miss?"

As well as the social meet ups.

Original poster

EnergyJaguar · 23/07/2023 09:56

Thanks everyone we may try and navigate term 1 or the half term then look at October half term my DH said: least then we have some time to work it out too! And time to see how Seniors operates and how she’s finding it not having a phone etc.

I don’t want to be too controlling (I had very controlling parents as did my DH!) so it’s good to get perspective on here and also to see how others monitor/parent their kids with phones: thanks again for your input on the apps you use. Life 360 is very stalkerish!

OP posts:

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