Not giving Year 7 child a phone … but

[EnergyJaguar]

They are able to contact friends via their iPad or via Teams.

Our school’s recommendation is not give phones until the kids are 13, many have them at year 6.

my DD is ok with this, she’s not asked for one. There are things she wants that she gets air up bottle, crocs. Whatever clothes she wants. Goes to hairdresser for hair cuts.

Some of her friends now wear make up, use tik tok and Instagram regularly I just want to keep her younger for longer but feeling a bit guilty about the phone situation: I’ll be dropping and picking at school due to distance of school and no buses.

I can't see anything wrong with your situation. My dc is going into year 7 in September. He has a phone, but he's only got a few numbers and is not in the class WhatsApp group and has no social media at all, nor do I plan on letting him anytime soon. I like that we can track his phone if he goes to the park, so we know where he is.

You'll only lose her to her phone if you let it happen. My 10YO has a phone. There is no Insta/Social Media, Tiktok, or anything else on it. There are certain times of the day he has it and certain times he does not.

I will probably sound quite blunt when I say this, but the issue here is not the phone. The issue is that you are portraying yourself as a parent who does not say no. Your child has anything and everything they ask for. My kids don't because they have ridiculously expensive taste and I don't have that kind of money. With phones you need iron tight boundaries and to be able to say No more than yes with them. I do let a lot of things slide other MN wouldn't. But phones is not one of those things.

My Y7 son has a phone but we have removed the app store and safari and youtube app. This is what a lot of our friends have done. So it functions as a phone and not a portable ipad. He has the whatsapp app, the bus app, duolingo app (!) and one little game. Can't google things (needs to use the family ipad in the kitchen for that) or watch youtube (same)

He barely bothers with it, sends the odd message and we haven't "lost" him to it like some of his peers. If he goes into town we can contact him. It's the best of both worlds.

Is it high school or primary schools reccomendation regarding no phone?

Dd is just finishing year, she has a phone using it for her bus ticket etc getting to school. Our main reason for deciding to get her a phone in year 6 (half way through) was to keep in touch with friends as they were all going to different schools. Also as dd would be traveling by bus.

Dd does use her phone in some lessons - kerboodle, and a few other sites directed by teachers. She also gets all homework online. As her email is linked to her phone, she gets a notification any time a teacher sets homework or communicates with the class. This means she manages her homework better. (We didn't set the email up on her phone initially so we know it has helped).

She also uses WhatsApp to organise meet ups with friends etc. Which could be difficult to do on ipad eg if they change meeting place or someone is running late etc.

The only thing is are you happy for her to be out and about on her own without a phone? I understand you have to drive her to school but she needs to build independence by walking to her friends’ houses and things like that.

You can always get her a brick.

(you don’t have to give her everything she wants the second she wants it you know)

I work in the criminal justice system, mainly with sex offence cases, DH works in youth justice/psych services.
Keep her without a phone, especially a smart phone, for as long as possible.
The school aren't saying this for fun.

You're being a good parent. The longer she manages without a phone, the better. She will be more independent, confident and resilient and her concentration levels will be better. Schools ban phones for good reasons.
So many threads on here with people having significant parenting problems - make sure you continue to have firm boundaries.

I teach secondary and all but a few have them but that doesn't mean you therefore should. What I would advocate is using something like the Google family app. My kids' phones are linked to mine. I can lock / unlock them, put on downtime, app time limits, block apps set the age rating of what they can download etc. You don't need to physically remove the phone at night or worry about them creeping downstairs for it or anything. They can cause problems but I think it's a mistake to try and pretend they don't exist ..most of modern life assumes phone ownership and they need to learn how to navigate usage.

@BibbleandSqwauk - that family app sounds like a good idea. You're allowing usage, but controlling it.

My Y7 DS got a phone in year 6. We use Google family link to control the phone. It allows you as the parent to block any apps, put time limits on apps, time limit on the whole phone (so you can set it to lock/unlock at particular times) and you can stop them downloading apps without permission. We do not permit whatsapp and I wouldn't permit it till 13/14 regardless. I don't think its at all suitable for children, the ability to send videos/photos and the group nature - far too easy to get carried away picking on someone. He has 30 mins access per weekday, 1.5 hours at weekends, between 3.30-7pm weekdays and 8am-8pm weekends. He isn't allowed to have it in his room overnight and he can't take it to school. It is possible to give them a phone and be strict, but it is hard and they don't like it! He's used to it now though, and I'm so glad we didn't give in on whatsapp as there have been all sorts of problems in his year group from that. I've said he can use my phone and number for whatsapp if he wants.

Trust me, she will be going out. Having your mum hang around would be the height of embarrassment in secondary. My dd had a phone for this reason.

We are doing the same.

If I had my time again with dd she wouldn't get a phone until she was 13/14yo. They're too young at 11, let them be kids 🤷‍♀️

@BMIwoes - good strategy. If your child moans, fine. You're saving them (and you) from serious problems later on.

Ds1 got one in year 7. It was so he could keep in contact with friends from primary (we moved continents just before year 7 poor lad).

Its been really good. He can facetime his friends without going via our phones (which was how he did it before).

His school puts all homework online and he can access that, plus his school emails so receives alerts when more work has been added.

He can see his timetable (its a 2 weekly timetable and changes annoyingly frequently).

He can ring me if he leaves school early (happens frequently unfortunately, see above point!)

He can arrange to see his new friends (we don't know the parents as we ve just moved here).

And he can go round to his new friends houses and I can ring him to tell him to come home for dinner 😊

The worst bit is WhatsApp and the groups created by his schoolfriends. He has left the group several times but keeps getting added again so he's now muted it.

However whatsapp is essential for him for organising his group schoolwork (yup in year 7 he had various presentations to work on at home in groups of 2, 4 and once 7😡).

We know his code and I check his phone most days. It is never in his bedroom. He has time limits on screen. He doesn't just idly scroll.

The only thing we re changing for year 8 is reducing his 4G allowance as he barely uses it. He almost only uses our home wifi.

DS had one from Year 6. We live in a not so nice area and I felt better about him having one as he walked to school alone. As a lone working parent I couldn't always be around. Quite frankly I don't give a stuff what school recommend, they don't get a say in it.

It's an individual choice. If your DD isn't bothered and doesn't need one for safety reasons then don't get her one.

I second this. When you do give your child a phone you need to have a a serious conversation with them about the importance of not sharing personal photos/films and what to do if they receive them. You don’t want your child to be that kid that everyone has shared footage of or worse.

School do get a say in it. What impacts young people, their education and their mental health is very much their responsibility.

That point is has arrived. Things really change at secondary. I cant understate that.

I would get her a brick (they are still available!) for safety if you arent ready for a smartphone. Something she can at least call and text you and her friends on.

@WasJuliaRight - I've had parents in tears, genuinely decent people horrified about what their children have got up to and involved in. It impacts girls worse than boys according to research. Certainly some, not all, of the vile stuff is targetted at girls.

They don't really. They can make recommendations but they can't enforce anything.

At DS's school they had to hand phones in at the start of school and got them back at the end which I was happy with. They don't need them during the school day.

I think we're at cross purposes, that's exactly what I'm saying! If they have them on silent in their bags all day we're fine with that. It doesn't stop everything, but makes for a better school day.

Ds didn’t get a phone until he was almost 13. It was a good decision and meant that he seems less obsessive about his phone now than some of his friends. He was also mature enough to talk through risks and precautions in general terms without having to have long lists of rules for every occasion.

He doesn’t do social media at all and has to ‘request’ apps before installing them. I have never said no as he only has a few and they are mainly all sport-related!

Even though I can theoretically track his location, I rarely do and have told him he needs to text me when he gets safely to a friend’s house, or if he’s running late, etc. I also know his passcode (and he knows that I could check his phone anytime and without warning) but, again, I rarely do.

For what it’s worth, I am pretty sure he would have been fine with a phone earlier too and would probably have given him one if he had been commuting by public transport.

I do think it's more of an issue for girls. I have a DS so was probably a bit more relaxed than if I'd had a girl. The bullying, sharing photos and stuff seems to affect girls more.

With boys you need to have conversations about not just sharing photos but not to ask for photos either and consent. I'd be mortified if DS pressured a girl for photos.

Yes that's fair. I wanted DS to have one purely for the walk to and from school.