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Original poster

Bereavement cards - yes or no?

68 replies

Wahwahwahwahwah · 23/07/2023 07:03

I'm just wondering on people's take on them really. DH has recently sent one to one of his parents friends (well a friend of the family really) who very sadly recently lost his wife to cancer. In-laws were sure he'd appreciate one so of course we sent one BUT when my mum died (I was 20 at the time) I HATED getting them. It felt like another little thing to stress about. I didn't want to put them out like Christmas cards because it's obviously not something to be celebrated but then I felt guilty opening and then chucking them straight away. I did like people sending me a text or calling and people sending flowers to the funeral of course - not to me though. So I wondered what other people's thoughts were. Do most people appreciate or dread things like cards and flowers when a loved one dies? It would be good to know what to do for the best in future. Thank you

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 23/07/2023 07:06

I think it’s a nice gesture - shows genuine thought and concern but doesn’t intrude in the way that, say, a phone call does. You can open a card and read it at your convenience and there’s no expectation of a reply (as there probably is with a text message, honestly). Nothing wrong with reading and chucking out either if that’s how you feel about it, though.

PermanentTemporary · 23/07/2023 07:07

I think this is personal and you should do what feels right for the person you are sending them to,.or from the heart for you.

Personally, i was brought up always to write a letter when someone died. When dh died I found that I loved getting pretty cards of flowers or nature. I could put them up and feel as if someone was thinking of me without having to read them. So now I send cards. But I can see of course there will be bereavements, and people, where that's wrong.

I also loved visits and texts and biscuits and flowers and all the kindness that was shown to us at that time. There was almost nobody who 'got it wrong' and even if a couple of people did say something a bit crass, they were trying their best.

Roselilly36 · 23/07/2023 07:15

I always send them. So the person knows I am thinking of them, they can chose when they want to open them a call can sometimes be at a bad moment.

Hugasauras · 23/07/2023 07:18

My mum just died of cancer and I've really appreciated the cards and flowers. It's nice to feel like either Mum or I mean enough to people for them to take the time and effort to do it. My stepdad has received lots of cards and has them on display, and I know he finds comfort in reading them and it's made him feel not so alone.

AbsoIutelyLovely · 23/07/2023 07:19

Well it’s actually very hurtful when people don’t bother. Always send them. I keep mine in a box.

Hugasauras · 23/07/2023 07:20

And I suppose it's just personal, as I really wouldn't have liked people calling at all. I didn't really want to be put on the spot to talk about it or have to rehash it all multiple times. Texts are less intrusive but I do feel a bit guilty I haven't replied to a couple.

Original poster
Wahwahwahwahwah · 23/07/2023 07:26

This is really interesting. I wonder if age has anything to do with it? Maybe being younger like I was makes a difference? I get what you're saying about calling. I didn't answer quite often but I would leave it to answerphone and text back to say thanks for calling.

I'm not sure "always send them" is right though? Surely it depends on the person? Like I said I hated it.

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 23/07/2023 07:27

I think cards are nice, especially if they have something personal about the person in them. They can be looked at when ready unlike texts which sit on your phone demanding attention.

FFSwhatisthis · 23/07/2023 07:28

@Hugasauras

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum x

@Wahwahwahwahwah I'm sorry to hear about your Mum too. Maybe it's a generational thing? I'm 54 & very much appreciated cards & keep them
in a box, I appreciated them as they arrived & they were lovely to re read through after the funeral when things weren't so busy.

your DH did the right thing, people of his family friends generation would appreciate it (I guess there's the odd person who wouldn't, but they'd be very much an outlier).

Original poster
Wahwahwahwahwah · 23/07/2023 07:28

@Hugasauras you like receiving flowers?
I only have about 2 or 3 vases in the whole house so any more than that and they'd get chucked and I'd feel really bad 😬

OP posts:
AbsoIutelyLovely · 23/07/2023 07:29

Well I think for most people it’s comforting.
of course nobody likes getting them but it’s an acknowledgment of your loss.

Better to err on the side of thoughtfulness and good manners.

Original poster
Wahwahwahwahwah · 23/07/2023 07:30

Yes sorry for your loss @Hugasauras I should have said that before.
I think it might be generational. I guess if you're used to using cards in general, like say thank you cards, it would feel more natural maybe?

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 23/07/2023 07:31

I wouldn't send a card- I always write a letter. But I was so touched by the cards I got-I think you should always send something. I try to remember to get in contact again after about 6-8 weeks as well. But I'm half Irish, half Italian. We take death seriously!

Original poster
Wahwahwahwahwah · 23/07/2023 07:32

Yeah a letter I'd have liked I think. It was the obligation to "display" the cards that was the problem for me.
Maybe if in doubt a letter is good?

OP posts:
Hugasauras · 23/07/2023 07:32

Wahwahwahwahwah · 23/07/2023 07:28

@Hugasauras you like receiving flowers?
I only have about 2 or 3 vases in the whole house so any more than that and they'd get chucked and I'd feel really bad 😬

We did run out of vases! But used glasses and things and DD1 (4) got to have the very expensive bouquet from work in her bedroom, which she was very excited about. My mum really loved flowers and we often used to send each other them, so it felt kind of nice to have them in the house.

I think there should definitely be some sort of unspoken agreement to stagger flowers though. It would be nice to have them over a period of six weeks instead of lots in the same week Grin

MintJulia · 23/07/2023 07:41

A card is a nice gesture but I think it's what people write that counts. All sorts of people sent cards when my dm died, talking about times dm had been funny or kind. It was lovely, and genuinely helped.

AnnaNims · 23/07/2023 07:41

I quite liked getting cards when my parents died -the ones in which people wrote something personal were appreciated.

I didn’t display them though. Just left them in a pile in our study.

Loved getting flowers. The more the better.

araresight · 23/07/2023 07:59

When my mum died we really appreciated all the cards and flowers. We didn't put them up on display as that felt too weird but we kept them and I still have them in a nice folder along with the order of service for her funeral.

I personally don't like 'in sympathy' cards though as they all feel a bit syrupy and insincere to me. So if I'm sending a bereavement card I look for a nice blank one, with just picture of flowers or a field on the front and then inside I write a personal message. Everyone is different but in general unless I know the person wouldn't want one, I send a card.

ThisIsACoolUserName · 23/07/2023 07:59

I'd appreciate a card if it were me.
We just had to write one for someone who has lost their child in tragic circumstances. Wording it wasn't easy. It's just something to show they're in your thoughts. I very much doubt it's going to be 'displayed' like other types of card though 😔

Dustyblue · 23/07/2023 08:05

OP I'm with you on the flowers. I never send flowers, because they die and become slimy and fill up your green bin- it's another bloody chore.

I get you on the cards, as you say, it's not like it's Xmas or something. But I do still send them, although a letter in an envelope instead actually sounds nice.

I go by the idea that it's better to reach out and say something than nothing at all, but it is tricky.

AbsoIutelyLovely · 23/07/2023 08:15

Wahwahwahwahwah · 23/07/2023 07:32

Yeah a letter I'd have liked I think. It was the obligation to "display" the cards that was the problem for me.
Maybe if in doubt a letter is good?

Nobody displays them. The go in the sadmin box. I was so grateful for each one I received for my mum

My brother in law didn’t get in touch with me at all and I find that hard to forgive as she was friendly and kind to him

ThaTrìCaitAgam · 23/07/2023 08:18

My ex husband died at 48 recently. We have two teenagers together. It was sudden. The children and I are grieving, it hurts so much.

We received lots of cards and flowers, all were read with attention. Some were really supporting, DC read those multiple times. Flowers were displayed and taken care for. We have a beautiful box where we keep the cards and memories of the funeral in. Without all of this it would’ve felt very lonely.

Enko · 23/07/2023 08:20

I liked the cards when my mother died (I was in my early.40s) I appreciated the flowers but when u had 4 bunches in one go it felt a bit like a funeral in my.livingroom. I didn't like that.

I send a card personally as that was what I got the most comfort from. Calls could be hard as I was grieving and organising going back to my native country l didn't always want that intrusion. Cards let me know people where there and thinking of me and cared. That meant a lot.

Rosecoffeecup · 23/07/2023 08:22

I always send a card, if the recipient doesn't want to display it or even read it then they don't have to. I'd never send a text, feels very impersonal.

ApolloandDaphne · 23/07/2023 08:26

When our DD died l liked getting the cards. What I really did not like at all were all the flowers that were were sent. I still can't smell lilies without being transported to that horribly sad time. I've had to ask restaurants to move us away from displays containing them because they are unbearable to me.