Bereavement cards - yes or no?

[Wahwahwahwahwah]

I'm just wondering on people's take on them really. DH has recently sent one to one of his parents friends (well a friend of the family really) who very sadly recently lost his wife to cancer. In-laws were sure he'd appreciate one so of course we sent one BUT when my mum died (I was 20 at the time) I HATED getting them. It felt like another little thing to stress about. I didn't want to put them out like Christmas cards because it's obviously not something to be celebrated but then I felt guilty opening and then chucking them straight away. I did like people sending me a text or calling and people sending flowers to the funeral of course - not to me though. So I wondered what other people's thoughts were. Do most people appreciate or dread things like cards and flowers when a loved one dies? It would be good to know what to do for the best in future. Thank you

I always send them & try to include a memory / anecdote of the deceased.

When DH died I liked the cards but the flowers were harder, I didn't have enough vases but there was also the thing of them dying and having to dispose of them which just felt like a reminder of why they'd been sent in the first place.

A relative recently lost her DH. She liked receiving cards, she could look at them whenever she felt like it, but the many bouquets of flowers were a pain. It was a job she had to do when all she wanted was to grieve. She ended up putting lots in the bin as it was overwhelming, and then had the added problem of feeling guilty.
She was most grateful of heat up food and easy puddings, as she still had a child to feed.

I’m in my forties and was hurt when very close friends didn’t give me a bereavement card when my parents passed away (when I had delivered the same to them, and flowers, when their parents had died). This thread is helpful for me to see that it’s not an ingrained thing, I guess it reflects how I was brought up and what I thought was the norm.

I lost someone close to me recently. I appreciated that people took the time to send cards. I hated them when my dad died though.

On flowers, I'm not a fan of receiving multiple bouquets of white lilies as they scream 'funeral flowers' to me, but I do like something with a bit of colour a bit further on after the funeral.

ApolloandDaphne · Today 08:26

When our DD died l liked getting the cards. What I really did not like at all were all the flowers that were were sent. I still can't smell lilies without being transported to that horribly sad time. I've had to ask restaurants to move us away from displays containing them because they are unbearable to me

Oh god yes! I feel the same about lillies now. Absolutely bloody hate them.

Those of you saying you were hurt not to receive a card - would you still have felt like that if you'd have received a letter instead? I'm wondering if a letter is universal?

How about if you got an email letter with photos and stuff? I actually think this would be what I'd like the best but I wonder if I'm unusual?

My Mum died in May and I was so touched by the cards I received, I have kept them and will look back on them at a later date.

I always send a card and try to write something I can remember of their loved one just to personalise it a little.

I send them - it's just what our family have always done. Obviously if I knew op that you didn't like cards in advance then I wouldn't, but I'm not sure how many of your friends or family knew that? No issue with you disposing of them though.

So I'll always send them unless there's a reason not to.

When my father died I appreciated getting cards, especially ones with a personal memory.
Someone sent me flowers on the day of the funeral which I thought was a lovely idea, because as previously pointed out, you get so many straight all together just after the person has died.

I really appreciated the cards and letters I received after my DF died very much indeed. Some of the cards were very thoughtfully chosen eg. Of places or paintings he liked. I did put them on the mantelpiece for a while as it was a reminder that other people were thinking of me. It was also useful when visitors came to the house who did not know eg. A plumber and a neighbour. It was a way of letting them know that I was grieving without me having to tell them.

The important thing is the words inside them. You don’t have to display them. I am sure many people don’t and I don’t think that is strange. There is no obligation.

The important thing about cards is that you are being sent kind thoughts without any obligation to reply. With texts and emails I always feel I have to reply. Cards are also physical objects which you can keep and return to. I have a box with all the sadmin relating to my dad and now and then I might go through it. In years to come my children might too. This wouldn’t happen with texts or emails.

I most important thing about cards and letters is that they represent the physical efforts of people who care about you. They went to a shop to buy it. They found a pen to write it, found a stamp to put on it and walked to the post box. Above all it is something they have touched. That cannot be replicated with an email or text.

I hated them but equally felt the need to send one. I think it honestly depends on the individual. I particularly hated cut flowers alongside the card as then I had to try and keep them alive and when they inevitably died I was surrounded by dead things again.

When my son died I opened the first dozen or so cards as they arrived, read them and put them to the side. The rest got put to the side unopened until I was ready, over a year later.

But I like to read the cards, read the memories people have of my son.

I got lots of texts and Facebook messages as well, and over time I took screenshots of them so I have them in a folder on my phone.

My son travelled, and died in Australia, so reading messages from people he met of all nationalities and hearing stories that I didn't know about was and still is a huge comfort to me.

I also got sent hundreds of photos and videos.

I don't think there's any right or wrong way to show you're thinking of the bereaved family, and there's no right or wrong way to treat the messages received.

It's interesting to read different attitudes and reactions. Cards I like because they are a tangible acknowledgement of your bereavement and that people are thinking of you. An email would be weird to me - what am I supposed to do with it? Print it? That would feel like something I needed to do, and it would also feel impersonal. I'd rather the person sent me a note in a card or a letter with the photos.

I know a lot of people feel overwhelmed receiving lots of flowers, but I feel they are beautiful and, like life itself, don't last forever. If you receive more than you can cope with, you can always take a photo and pass them on to someone else who will enjoy them.

My dad recently died and mum got dozens. She found them very comforting, especially when the sender had taken time to write a wee message giving a memory about Dad - "thinking of that lovely evening we had watching the cricket and drinking mojitos" or similar. Brought her focus back to the nice memories of Dad. Not so much the twee little poems.

Loads of flowers. It's a lovely gesture from people but yes, she ran out of vases too. She preferred the growing plants rather than cut flowers. One friend sent a pack of cakes and biscuits and that went down very well, when someone dies there are lots of people coming to the house and she liked being able to offer them a "nice" biscuit with their cup of tea.

I liked getting cards or flowers. I am going to try to make sure I always send a card or at least speak to someone when they experience loss because I have noted colleagues who didn’t even acknowledge a family death to me, and I judge them for it a bit. They are not horrible people but probably embarrassed.

Definitely cards, not texts or emails as I'd feel I was supposed to reply to the latter or keep them and they'd seem either too informal or formal and both intrusive. Cards would help me feel the bereavement was acknowledged and that people cared.

For us when my mom passed 18 months ago,the cards & messages we received really were a comfort, a few people called very select few, friends of my dad who were very close to my mom also. We are in Ireland so the cards were mass cards,where your loved one is remembered in a mass(very symbolic of my mom who was a practicing Catholic) & then the messages left on the website that relays funeral arrangements etc were lovely to have,our undertaker printed them all out & bound them in a book to keep,it was nice to read all the lovely things people felt about my mom. We always send a mass card on the death of someone we know & hopefully it lets them know we are thinking of them

I think a card or a letter is appropriate- I don’t really see any difference between them. People don’t generally display the cards in my experience- you don’t have to display it just because it’s a card.

I wouldn’t send an email, personally, and I wouldn’t send photos of the deceased so soon after their death, although that’s a lovely thing to do later on.

@WeAreTheHeroes that's interesting that you think an email is weird. It wouldn't occur to me to print it, no, but I'd probably open a file in my emails called "mum" or something and save everything there. Cards (or even letters although I'd rather that) feel like another lot of stuff that has to be sorted through. Do you keep them? I'm not sure i'd want to because I'd rather keep stuff that was actually hers and I have limited space, but then with personal memories I wouldn't want to throw them away either. I do think maybe it's generational though. Maybe I'll send cards to older people and emails with photos etc to younger ones? Videos would be my absolute fave I think, like a PP said.
And people who send cards without a personal memory - for me at least - I just would rather not receive at all. It's a bit of a minefield isn't it?
I think most people are at least on agreement that they do want acknowledgement though.

I usually send a card. I don't want the person to feel that they have to reply to me, which they might do if I sent a text or letter.

I send them, they might be too much for the bereaved person very close to the death/ funeral, but in a few weeks,months or years afterwards, when the grieving has reached a different level they are very special things to look at, read, have a little smile or a cry over, then put away for the next time you need a bit of support.

Also for younger children or teens who might for example, have dimming memories of a grandparent ( or for that matter a parent) they are a way of being reminded of that persons life and the people whose lives they made a difference to.

Cards can be nice to look back on later as you don’t really take in what people have said, the memory shared etc at the time.

I never send flowers without a vase though. I remember my Nana stressing out when my grandad died that she didn’t have enough vases to put the flowers in.

She had a saying that nothing you do should give the bereaved person a job to do - so cards shouldn’t have questions or solicit replies, flowers shouldn’t need a vase to be found and anything else sent should be simple. I’ve tried to stick to that

Also they can be good for children as well. DS1 (technically DSS) has over the years looked at the cards DH and him received when his Mummy died. The messages brought him comfort and he liked seeing peoples messages.