Bereavement cards - yes or no?

[Wahwahwahwahwah]

I'm just wondering on people's take on them really. DH has recently sent one to one of his parents friends (well a friend of the family really) who very sadly recently lost his wife to cancer. In-laws were sure he'd appreciate one so of course we sent one BUT when my mum died (I was 20 at the time) I HATED getting them. It felt like another little thing to stress about. I didn't want to put them out like Christmas cards because it's obviously not something to be celebrated but then I felt guilty opening and then chucking them straight away. I did like people sending me a text or calling and people sending flowers to the funeral of course - not to me though. So I wondered what other people's thoughts were. Do most people appreciate or dread things like cards and flowers when a loved one dies? It would be good to know what to do for the best in future. Thank you

The cards I got sent when my dh died gave me great comfort and still have them all now in a box

It showed how much he was loved and missed by friends and family

I was brought up to send a card and do it each time.

I was 33 when my dad died and I appreciated the cards, they are for me part of the ritual like the coffee afterwards (tradition in my German hometown). I liked reading them and knowing people thought of us and lots wrote more than just the odd sentence.

I wasn't do bothered about the cards, but the messages and letters that came with them, where people talked of their memories of my parent - those I really appreciated, and so I write (short) letters to friends who have been bereaved, because I appreciated receiving them.

But I am a letter writer by nature anyway, so people who know me would expect nothing less. Some people find writing hard at the best of times, so sending a card lets you know they're thinking about you, even if they're not comfortable with writing much more than their name..

Also, they can be read when things have died down a bit. One of the main things I remember about my parents' deaths is that there was so much admin to do between the deaths and the funerals in particular. The cards and letters could be sppreciated after things quietened down more.

*so bothered

I really appreciated the cards and flowers people sent me when my mum died, I found them very comforting.

I didn’t open them all at once, or as they arrived because it felt quite overwhelming but I put them to one side and opened them when I felt in the right headspace to read them.

I'm not sure what videos you would be expecting people to share- surely most people don't have videos of everybody they know? I could understand if the person who died was young and friends would have lots of photos/videos, but not people of older generations. I think people often send cards even if they didn't know the family well, for example if a neighbour dies, just to acknowledge their loss.

I always send them. The ones I have sent in the passed year were not received well. Infact one person got angry with me and said they were having a better day and it was ruined by receiving my card. I feel like maybe it’s something that people no longer like. I find people in their 80s ‘like’ receiving them though.

I received lots of cards and small gifts when I had a late miscarriage recently. It was nice to know people were thinking of me.

And people who send cards without a personal memory - for me at least - I just would rather not receive at all. It's a bit of a minefield isn't it?

I think it depends on the person you're sending to, and the person who has died.

I sent a card to a friend whose father had died even though I'd only met his father briefly once and didn't have any memories of him to share. It was really to say I was thinking of him and if he wanted to chat I was there — it was during lockdown so he didn't get to do the 'normal' grieving with his family and I was worried about him being on his own.

If I knew the person who'd died then of course I'd put memories in. Memorial websites can be good for this if you knew the person but not their family.

And people who send cards without a personal memory - for me at least - I just would rather not receive at all.

They’re as often sent as a “I’m so sorry for you that this person you loved has died” rather than “I’m so personally sorry that this person has died” (if you see what I mean and that doesn’t sound terribly crass). So people won’t always have a personal memory of the deceased to share - they’re just acknowledging your grief. In the same way that they would in, say, a text message. A card is just a more formal way of expressing the sentiment, I suppose.

Maybe if in doubt a letter is good?

if you’re a confident letter writer, with excellent skills of self expression and a lot to say about the deceased, then there is nothing better. But a card allows people to write a short sentence (“Thinking of you all”/“so sorry to hear the sad news” or whatever) that they feel confident is “appropriate”.

I totally agree, lots of my friends sent me flowers or cards when my mum died but most of them didn’t know her well enough to add a specific memory, they were acknowledging my grief and loss and I appreciated everyone who took the time to mark that in whatever way they chose to.

A parent from my child's class (we are loosely 'friends') gave me one with a proper message inside when a relative passed.

I was really touched by it - it felt personal but not as full on (I'm quite reserved) as someone asking me face to face how I was doing, etc.

After DH died, I appreciated the cards - but I didn't display them. I read them all, and put them into a pile.

I really didn't want them on the shelf.

To be honest, it's lovely to think of those bereaved, but, the problem is, that after the funeral people tend to drift away and ignore you.

A visit or phone call, a few weeks on, is also appreciated.🙂

I know people mean well but I don't like them at all. At a time when l am highly emotional each one sets me off crying again . I just get myself together and another one drops through the letterbox and off I go again. In a way they make me feel worse. After Dad died I just got DH to open them and tell me who they were from. A few weeks ago I came across some in the drawer that were sent when mum died (20 years ago). Spent the next hour in floods of tears.

I have a cousin who feels the same. Sadly her husband died very young with covid. She still has some unopened envelopes because it is still too painful to open them.

However, we are all different.

When my Dad died we really appreciated the cards and letters. Lots of people wrote about lovely memories they had a him which was a real comfort to read, we even managed to laugh at a few of the anecdotes. We didn’t display them, mum put them all in a nice basket on the sideboard so that family could read through them.

I do agree with flowers it can bring back bad memories with the smell afterward. As for cards, I think it is an age thing when you are younger you don't see the point or prefer texts or emails. I kept all the cards from my parents when I lost them and it was a great comfort to read them.
I did take the time when a favorite teacher of mine died to write a long letter to his wife sharing some wonderful memories I had of him not expecting a reply. about 6 months later she wrote to me and said my letter brought her great comfort

No I didn't really want communication from anyone at that time as I was dealing with death in my own way. What I did really appreciate was the comments on a social media site that was set up by someone he was fairly close to. The comments on the SM site, many from people I didn't even know were hugely helpful and and no time did I feel I need to communicate with any of those people. This was the perfect solution in my mind, people could pay their respects without me needing to interact with them.