Tell me it's ok to throw some of my late mums things away.

[Glitterbiscuits]

She died 20 years ago. I'm hanging on to things like her old address book and huge Christmas card list because it's her handwriting.
All I'm doing is leaving a problem for my own children aren't I?
I have thrown away photos that are not named. No one else to ask.

How do you know what to keep and what to throw away? I am not blessed with storage and have 3 DC of my own. I don't envy them the task of sorting my own stuff out. My old school books? Teenage diaries?

If I keep the birthday cards mum wrote to me what happens when I'm dead? She died before DC were born so they don't have any sentimental feelings for someone they never knew.

I wish Id never started having a clear out!

It must be so hard but your right it needs to be done. Could you take pictures of the items and put on a memory stick or something

We did with with DPILs who threw nothing away . Keep one or two things you especially like and otherwise photograph / scan things so you can look at them. It is absolutely OK to throw these things away. 😀

Yes, it’s ok to get rid of some of her things. Just keep a couple of cherished bits.
I’ve kept my mum’s hand written recipe books.

Why not take some photos and only keep the really sentimental stuff?

Yep throw it away, I threw my DMs stuff away, she hated clutter so would have approved

This is very difficult and I sympathise.

I think that you keep the things that mean something to you, but try to be realistic about what you actually "need" as it were. So personally, I wouldn't be keeping her address book just because it had her handwriting but I don't think it's weird that you want SOMETHING with her writing - so keep one thing (a letter, address book etc) and throw the rest away. I have a small recipe book with just a few recipes that I will always keep and that DD is already aware of and looking forward to being able to use to get "granny\s recipes" one day.

Personally, I threw a lot of things like old school books and photos of my OWN away years ago. I realised that when I looked through them they didn't generate any joy for me so I ditched them. I've kept a few photographs and the like, but everything else has gone.

Have you saw the jewellery that you can get engraved in your mums writing? Could that be an option... something to keep without taking up space?

https://www.inscripture.com/filter/handwriting-jewellery/?gc_id=20358731208&h_ad_id=424406301760&gclid=Cj0KCQjwzdOlBhCNARIsAPMwjbwLM4JLioBYRhUUognalxklj-kaWuIEKz-CLX6gBI6Iq1iemu8OtKIaAk6XEALw_wcB

Bless you! I've been there.

Things that helped me:
The Life Laundry lady would say "These are not YOUR memories" when pointing at a collection of something. They are not your life, you may safely let them go.
Marie Kondo suggests you hold an item and ask yourself how it makes you feel. If it's sadness or guilt or anger why would you keep it? On the other hand if it makes you smile and feel warm why not?
The mantras "Things are not memories" and "It's okay to let memories fade" helped me with my grandmother's death. I was worried that if I couldn't see the pattern of her carpet or a piece of her china I would forget all the things associated with them, those memories triggered by that association. I don't have to carry a burden of never forgetting a single moment.

Birthday cards are a source of guilt for me too. A very 20th century thing! I haven't been able to bin them yet. I know it's just habit though. My gran did it.

I have a glass box with sentimental items that remind me of dad. Things like watches, gifts I gave him, my favourite pics. I also have another small box with more photos and a couple of souvenirs from particularly nice days out.

Keep some photos.

chose a container a pretty box, a small case or whatever and decide you will keep this box with memories of your Mum. you can keep anything you want and get rid of anything you want but what you keep must fit inside this box ( all the photos cards jewellery letters fridge magnets, hankies, purse, pressed flowers etc etc) so if the lid won't close when you add a new thing something needs to be removed

Unless it is something actually useful, like a dining table a set of cutlery that you actually use daily a picture or mirror that is hung on the wall but not stored in an attic

We are doing this at the moment and taking photos of many items so we have the memory without the item.

I don't know if this helps, but there are two ways of looking at this in my experience. My brother and I cleared out our mum's house. She was a hoarder so there was a lot of it.

We both took the things that meant something to us. We both had a box of treasure and the intention was that everything else would go to charity, for sale, the recycling centre. My brother has inherited the hoarding gene and decided he couldn't part with things so he took EVERYTHING else, right down to garden pots and clothes. There was so much of it that he had to hire a storage unit which he now pays for monthly.

In the 10 years since mum died I have used all the things I took - things like her favourite Christmas plate come out every year. I have framed a few important pieces which I see daily and enjoy and have one small drawer of cards and lovely things that I get out and enjoy when I want to think of mum. My brother has never been to the unit full of stuff. I bet he's not even sure what's in it.

I’m so sorry you are living with losing your precious mother, op.

It is absolutely ok to keep the most special things and let go of others. You could make a memory box for the special possessions and an album of photos of those things you won’t keep to go into it.

I know you know this, but maybe it would help to remind yourself that you will always treasure her, however much of the material collection you keep

Agree that a memory box for a selection of the most precious items might help ease the guilt about throwing other things away.

You could also read about Swedish Death Cleaning

https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/home/organizing/a43826147/swedish-death-cleaning/

It's not as grim as it sounds, but all about freeing the DC from having to sort through a lifetime of crap treasured memories when you go by getting rid of unnecessary items in advance.

It’s ok to throw some of your late mum’s things away.

She’s not in those physical artefacts, and she won’t be further away when you get rid of some of them.

could you have a piece of nice jewellery made with her handwriting engraved on?

I'd say do it gradually. If you've kept it for 20yrs it's got emotional significance. Getting rid means you're going to have to feel the emotions. Too much at once you'll be overwhelmed and either unable to continue or else you'll hoard other stuff as a replacement to soothe your feelings.

Take photos of the things you get rid of!
put them in their own album

Id photograph things. You could always put pictures into one of those photo books (but then you leave behind the photo book I suppose 😆).

Buy a nice box, Home Sense have some, and keep only what will fit in it. You only need one card with her hand writing in, not all of them. Be ruthless.

I was just came here to suggest the same thing. I have a silver heart with Love Mum x on it, copied from a note she sent me with some photos she took on my wedding day. Unusually, the photos weren't blurry and had everybody's head in view 😂 God, I miss my mum so much ❤️

One more thought @Glitterbiscuits , when DH & I downsized we had to ( out of necessity ) throw a lot away - we didn't have the room for it. But have I missed it - not a jot. I have kept one of DS's paintings from Junior school & one Mother's Day card. Other stuff DH took photos and stored them not sure if a memory stick or the cloud

If you have children then I would say - when DH and his siblings cleared out their parents' house they took a few things each but most of it I could hear them saying - why on earth have they kept this. It took them almost a week to go through stuff & then a couple of chaps who did house clearance and it wasn't a great experience & cost £thousands .

I now throw things away more regularly because I do not want my DS to have to go through that. I throw my parents' Birthday / Christmas cards away after they have been up for a while ( unless particularly lovely & I can recycle them for gift tags )

I think previous posters' idea of a memory box and keeping a few things of your mother's ( ie handwriting ) is a good idea. The jewellery thing with her hand writing on it I had not heard of but lovely idea.

When I was throwing things away - I started slowly but once I got going it felt very liberating & speeded up

Wish you well

Yes, it's perfectly fine to throw these things away. Please do so and have a clear-cut yourself, for the sake of your children.

One of my last two remaining grandparents died four years ago. It took three years (covid didn't help) for my parents to go through everything and get it sold/charity shopped/ taken to the tip. It ruined the beginning of their retirement and they've promised they won't do the same to me and my brother.

My mum died 10 years ago and like you I've kept some random things including several years of diaries , address book , ornaments and even things that she had kept for sentimental reasons.
I kept them until last year and having a sort out. I offered some items on marketplace for free ( 1960s Christmas decorations / 70s ornaments ) and had my hand bit off for them .
I also found a place / foundation that wanted diaries to keep for future social history so off they went.
Once you get going you can often find people / places that will love those items.
As others have said take a photo for your own memory and send it off for another adventure.