Tell me it's ok to throw some of my late mums things away.

[Glitterbiscuits]

She died 20 years ago. I'm hanging on to things like her old address book and huge Christmas card list because it's her handwriting.
All I'm doing is leaving a problem for my own children aren't I?
I have thrown away photos that are not named. No one else to ask.

How do you know what to keep and what to throw away? I am not blessed with storage and have 3 DC of my own. I don't envy them the task of sorting my own stuff out. My old school books? Teenage diaries?

If I keep the birthday cards mum wrote to me what happens when I'm dead? She died before DC were born so they don't have any sentimental feelings for someone they never knew.

I wish Id never started having a clear out!

Take photos of them and then put in a box. Throw the box away you're keeping her memories but throwing away a box

Twelve years on, and I'm still learning to part with some of my late husband's things.
It's slightly different in that I live with them, rather than having accumulated then from a parent or having to clear a parent's house. So it's a gentle process. I'll be clearing a cupboard or tidying the garage, come across something and think 'that can go now'.

I am .. in much the same position.

Not looking forward to when Mum's partner passes away and I have to decide what to do with all her stuff which is still in the house he lives in right now!

But. Just be clear with yourself. How much space do you have? How much stuff? How much definitely has to go somewhere else? Do you have the money to pay for storage? Being honest with yourself, would you just be throwing money away on storage fees for so many decades until you die and the kids throw it all out, because they don't have time to go through it?

I think the key thing is, START.
What is in this box? Why should I keep it, or, not? Should I keep 1 and take photos of the rest?
What you keep, ORGANIZE AND LABEL.

Even if you go through a box and keep half, now you have more space, and what you kept, you now can put your hands on when you want, and your kids will know what it is if you pass away.

You can probably make more space by boarding the loft or whatever, but again, think - do I want to pay all that money? Or will I feel better if I donate and sort all of this stuff?

Some people will have spare cash but no time and loads of stress and, for them, paying for the boarding and sturdy lidded transparent boxes will be the least worst thing right now. There's no right answer.

It’s funny how different everyone is about keeping items of sentimental value. I Like to get rid of almost everything and I’ve never regretted it but my husband likes to hang on to things.
when my Dad died after a short illness my Mum and I got rid of all his stuff really quickly. We were at a bit of a loss after he died so we put our energy into sorting everything out. We found it comforting.
We kept a few things like his hat and photos but basically almost everything went to the tip or the charity shop. There are Lots of things that remind me of my Dad but they can be things like driving past his favourite pub or if I think of something that I’d like to ask him.

Yep time to let go. My dH's nan died ten years ago, FIL lives abroad. We have a ton of stuff shit in our loft that is too heavy for him to take home with him. It's just going to sit there gathering dust and taking up room until he dies and then we'll have to throw it out.

You keep what you think is important fir you. Not because it’s important (or not for others). And not because that’s what you ate ‘supposed’ - or not - to do.

If you want to keep cards from your mum because it’s her hand writing, do so. If you want to keep your teen diaries, keep them.
Don’t throw stuff away because your dcs wouldn’t be interested. It’s your life now. Live it the way that works for you.

And you can still review a few years down the line anyway.

@cocksstrideintheevening i think that’s different in that it’s stuff he can’t see or use. And it’s cluttering YOUR space rather than his.

I don’t think there is any time to let go.
People grieve in different ways.
People give sentimental value to stuff than others don’t.
We are all different.

How do you know what to keep and what to throw away?

How about the Kondo method? Does it bring joy to you? Is it helpful or important?

I have been slowly throwing things away the past 19 years. It does take a long time to let go of it all.

Jazz cassettes etc I hate jazz they are no use to me man nor beast as they were recorded from original cassettes so not even the ones you used to buy in the shops. Honestly it has taken years.

The other day it was personal jewellery that would have only been sold at a car boot. Nothing of value.

I still need to sort the photographs but I find that very upsetting. Am an only child and cannot bear to see photos of my parents even now it feels too traumatic. Stirs it all up. Not sure if this helps you op but I do understand.

Yes, it’s ok to throw things away but it’s ok to keep them too! As long as you’ve got room, you could have two boxes - one of stuff that is of value to you but you know won’t mean anything to your own kids. And another box of e.g. old family photos that you think would be passed down.

A colleague said one of the saddest things about clearing out her late parents' house was how little of their stuff she wanted. Looking at my (extant) parents' things, I can see what she meant.

I did a deep clean of my garage recently and went with the theory of if I die tomorrow would anyone care that I kept it
, bit morbid but it helped me clear loads.

Get a copy of The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning, it might help. Eight years for me, I found that sorting into keep and not sure and then boxing up the not sure items. After a while I couldn't remember what was in them, so they went.

Anything I had real trouble with, I got my sister to do, she is brutal and had no trouble!

You can take pictures of things, but you need to bear in mind that you have a digital legacy too. Group them together and save them to a folder that your kids can delete on your death.

Good luck, it is a hard thing to do.

I still have my DM’s ‘lucky silver horseshoe’ thing she carried at her wedding, just before WW2 in 1939. It’s in its box, with some of the very dried flowers that were attached. Dds will have to chuck it when I’m gone - I just can’t.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER I think that’s a lovely thing to keep, I have a silk evening stole of my Grandmothers and my Mums wedding tiara which I also wore when I got married. I also have the last birthday card my Mum sent me. MIL Mum died in 1979 and she still has loads of her stuff. But she has a really very cluttered house, her house will be a nightmare to clear out.

I'm 21 years on from losing my dad and 17 from losing mum, and still have piles of their stuff. It's been a huge drain on my life, my energy, my ability to have a nice and neat home.

Lately, now that I am upward of 60 and have no kids, and only one sibling who also is childfree and lives at great distance, I have been facing the fact that either strangers or distant young cousins will be clearing out this place if I die prematurely. The thought of anyone seeing my loft and garage is mortifying. It's not hoarder level but there is a lot of sentimental ephemera that would have zero meaning to others.

That notion is forcing me to start throwing things away. This past weekend I pitched all of the paperwork and "grief counseling" type materials from my mom's final illness. Also went through a box and found momentos from a boyfriend of nearly 40 years ago; why on earth? Pitched. Some other scraps and things from my teens and 20s.

I do find, along with others, that taking photographs helps part with the physical items. I would keep the address book, handbag, jewelry, cards. The idea to purchase or repurpose a box or container and make that the limit is a good one.

Good luck. It's not easy.

Keep what you want to keep if you have the space ❤️ If it’s in one box or two when your kids die they can make their own choice about what they want. You don’t need to make that choice for them - what you want matters too.

For photos, cards, letters etc. Scan them and save onto Dropbox or equivalent. And get the photos made into one of those personal photo books so you have lots of memories condensed into smaller space. Plus digital stuff on the cloud means you can replace it should you ever lose or damage the book.

For small (non-valuable) objects and trinkets arrange them together in a box frame and hang on the wall. My Mum was in the forces so have some of her old cap badges and the stitched badges from her old uniform in one.

For slightly larger objects. Allow yourself one decent sized storage box that can go on top of a wardrobe somewhere. Choose the most important treasures and, as others have mentioned, if it doesn't bring you joy then get rid of it. I kept my Mum's Christmas baubles and tree fairy because I was incredibly sentimental about them. I kept a couple of ornaments, a teddy bear, Mum and Dad's wedding album and a sewing box.

If there's a lot of stuff, maybe have a second box with stuff you are uncertain about. Review that box after a year. Anything you don't miss, doesn't spark joy, haven't thought about in a year can be parted with at that point.

It was a difficult process that left me wracked with guilt at the time. But I can honestly say that, 5 years on, I don't miss any of the stuff I parted with. Had I kept it all, I would have just had a different source of stress from all the clutter.

I think the idea of a decent sized storage box for the sentimental stuff then anything practical is good.

Definitely keep something of the handwriting. My mum is the polar opposite of a hoarder and my dads stuff was largely boxed up and donated or stored in the garage before the funeral.

I hunted high and low for the notebooks he had from night school in Sydney where he learned to be a cocktail barman (he was £10 Pom 😁) but never found them. Happily I did manage to unearth a diary from a holiday to NZ on a ship when he was out there.

Otherwise I have the last remaining spoon from a set of cutlery he brought back with him, a watch, lots of books and art materials, and a couple of rugby shirts that I’m going to turn into a teddy bear now I’ve taken up sewing. Also a bottle of his aftershave.

When my sister and I had to do it, we adopted a twofold approach.

Was the thing in question important to Mum and Dad? If yes it was kept, if it was just 'their stuff' to them, it went.

Was it important to us and our memories of them? Yes, it was kept, no it went.

Unsurprisingly there was a lot of overlap between the two groups. But I believe that we hit the right balance, and we both look at the things we have (my sister has some, I have some) and smile. Maybe they're in a drawer and we're looking through it for something else when we see it. That memory comes flooding back and that's how we both like it. We neither of us has a specific box.

I watched a documentary recently about clutter etc, you know the type! They advise to keep 5 things of a deceased parent that mean something to you or evoke memories and that by keeping just 5, will mean much more and be treasured than if you kept say 20.
I haven't lost my Mum yet, but it definitely got me thinking and it's something I will do when the time comes.

Keep anything you want. I would hate for my mum to throw anything away that means something to her just because I will need to decide what to do with it one day. Definitely things with your mum's writing on! Even though they don't know your mum they know the feeling of having a mum and one day will know the feeling of mourning one.

I'm of the age now where losses start building up and so do the drifts of stuff. Have you lost someone else recently? Whats making this a worry now?

I'd agree with not worrying about the children either way. If you really want to keep a thing, then do.

Make sure you're really keeping it for yourself and not 'for them' though.

I like the idea of the handwriting jewellery. Better to have one thing with my mum's writing saying 'my dear Permanent' (my mum was quite formal in letters) than a massive Christmas card list of people you haven't seen in donkey's years or never knew!

Cards... honestly, chuck them.

I'm proud of myself. After a long time it's reducing. I've got some jewellery, a cabinet, most of all some of the trashy books we both loved. I do feel you don't have to do it all in one go. But after 20 years, yes a lot if it could be weighing you down rather than steadying you.

I had to clear a house recently of a much loved relative. I kept 4 things which were small but really special (to me) and they are now in use in our house. One side plate (our side plates are all mismatched and I didn’t especially love the set but it’s really nostalgic), a photo in a frame now in my office, a pillowcase and their bunch of keys. Okay the keys now have no use but they’re like my little piece of treasure 😂 the key doesn’t work now as I’ve had the locks changed but it’s symbolic for me. Oh, also took a couple of rose clippings from the garden.
I keep very few things myself as I’m a bit of a minimalist - not really but I don’t like accumulating ‘stuff’.
I know what you mean about the handwriting, keep one thing with her handwriting and declutter the rest. It’s not feasible to keep absolutely everything.

sorry if it’s already been said, I heard a suggestion which was to take pictures of them before so you can keep that instead x